My Son told me he is Gay - Page 4

Dakota Roberts · #46 Apr 5, '12, 7:52 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by onmyknees

My oldest son told me he was gay and had a boyfriend when he was 17 yrs. old. At first I was shocked and then I sat down with him and cried. I told him the tears were because I had to grieve who I thought he was and who he was now. He was very understanding and I told him that I would always love him unconditionally.

The next day I went and asked my very traditional priest what I should do about the practice. He said to tell my son that I would always love him but that I could not approve of the practice. I told him this and my son was again understanding. When I told my husband about our son ( he is not Catholic) he just said, "Well there isn't really anything we can do. He is the way he is." He and his boyfriend would be at our house but they never asked to stay overnight.

When he moved out of his college dorms, he and his boyfriend moved into an apartment. Again I went to my priest about helping him move in with his boyfriend. He said that of course we could help him move and that this is be called fraternal charity.

Yes, We are all called to love everyone.

My son has always been and is an outstanding person. He graduated with honors in the International Bacculaurate program from high school. He majored in Computer Science at the University and is now a computer Scientist and makes more money that we do!

Now he is with a very nice guy who is the same age as our son (26) for about two years and they are very happy. I do not worry about what to do because they practice homosexuality. I just pray for them. They are not Catholic and have never been. Sadly I was lapsed from the Church when I raised my boys.

They are always welcome at our home and are both comfortable in our house. There is no tension at all. We do many things together with family and friends throughout the year.
I am very happy that we get to see our son often.

I have to say that they have not found a gay gene yet. I believe my son may have been bullied into thinking he was gay. He was very shy until he was in high school. He did not want to play sports because he was too self-conscious. A good friend to him told me that the boys at grade school were being really awful to him.

It's good that he had the grace to never ask for him to stay they night and that he was understanding.

Homosexuality is not an act, homosexuality is the term society uses to described attraction to the same sex.

It is good that you have remained close, this will help facilitate him coming back to you (because in a way he never left).

Or it could be the result of hormonal inbalances in the womb, for example if a pregnant woman experiences severe stress during the first six weeks of pregnancy her chance of a gay son is sextupled (the chance of very feminine daughters also goes up substantially). So perhaps it isn't a gene that the homosexual would carry, perhaps the gene is with he mother (fetal development is a very complex process, it is quite possible certain genetic mutation could cause a higher chance). It is also quite possible that there is not in fact a single of homosexuality

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petersmate

Well that was the first question I asked in my original post what do you do. A priest I spoke to said he doesn't agree with courage because they are about changing people. So apparently courage thinks something can be done.

They don't as a national organisation, but a number of their local chapters do.

proliferanter · #47 Apr 5, '12, 8:17 pm

Love him. Make sure he knows how you feel and why. DO NOT under any circumstances let him and his "friend" stay together in your home overnight. In fact I would make a no kissing, hugging, affection rule in my home if I were you. Depending on the state you live in this could get more complicated and put more pressure on you if he decides that marriage is an option. Just stick to your guns. oh and last but certainly not least pray for him...

onmyknees · #48 Apr 6, '12, 2:27 pm

[quote=Dakota Roberts;9149913]It's good that he had the grace to never ask for him to stay they night and that he was understanding.

Homosexuality is not an act, homosexuality is the term society uses to described attraction to the same sex.

It is good that you have remained close, this will help facilitate him coming back to you (because in a way he never left).

Or it could be the result of hormonal inbalances in the womb, for example if a pregnant woman experiences severe stress during the first six weeks of pregnancy her chance of a gay son is sextupled (the chance of very feminine daughters also goes up substantially). So perhaps it isn't a gene that the homosexual would carry, perhaps the gene is with he mother (fetal development is a very complex process, it is quite possible certain genetic mutation could cause a higher chance). It is also quite possible that there is not in fact a single of homosexuality

Or it could be environmental. It doesn't really matter to me because he IS same sex attracted and I cannot change him. I love him unconditionally no matter what even if he chooses to marry this guy. Only God through prayers can do that. I heard a true story once of two men in a homosexual relationship for years who both decided they wanted to come back to the Church. They did and both are living a chaste life together.

onmyknees · #49 Apr 6, '12, 2:29 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petersmate

onmyknees thats what I been doing a lot more of since I got this news from my son on my knees praying,
I'm going to contemplate for a while what you've had to say pray to the Lord and see if there is anything that comes to me. There are some things you said that I'm not sure about.

Petersmate, May I ask what things are you not sure about?

Petersmate · #50 Apr 8, '12, 10:05 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by onmyknees

Petersmate, May I ask what things are you not sure about?

There are two issues that stand out that I'm still not quite coming to terms with, being born Gay and Fraternal Charity.
I'm certainly not going to over react to the situation. He is at home with me at the moment and he does go and stay at his homosexual friends place occaisionally. That bothers me but what can I do. I can't see myself helping him move in with his friend. Just as I would never help my daughter move in with her boyfriend. A sin is a sin.

Iheartcoffee · #51 Apr 8, '12, 1:43 pm

I have never actually used these counselors, but there is a telephone counseling company called Pastoral Solutions Institute that advertises in the Couple to Couple League magazine. They do telephone counseling and they may be able to help you with your son because they counsel in line with the Church. You can love your son dearly but you never have to accept his actions.

Jessup · #52 Apr 8, '12, 6:07 pm

It might just be a phase he's going through. Hopefully a quick one, what makes it hard is how much the "support " is pushed down your throat in the local schools these days.
Do you think its just a matter of him feeling inferior as a young man?
and not as an alpha male?
I hope you can get the support you need to help him emotionally so that he is not mastered by his issues.
God bless .

VeritasLuxMea · #53 Apr 8, '12, 8:59 pm

Applaud all those who have stepped forth to support you.

Also, to the rest of you, how painful do you think it was for this young man to admit it to his father? Can you even IMAGINE?

Lokabrenna · #54 Apr 8, '12, 9:41 pm

Hi Petersmate,

I've read lots of threads just like yours (not just on CAF, but in other places) and the best piece of advice I can give you is this: love your son, that's really all you can do.
Someone else has probably already said this (I haven't read all the posts) but the fact that your son is gay has absolutely nothing to do with how you have raised him. This isn't something you can change, and I know that might be hard to accept, but attempting to change him will only cause both of you pain.

I'm one of the luckier ones. My parents are a little confused about this "liking women" thing, but at least they haven't yelled at me or kicked me out of the house, that fate, unfortunately, is a very real possibility for my LGBT+ brothers and sisters. My parents also have a "no boyfriends/girlfriends" rule in their house, and that's perfectly fine with me. I'm not that interested in dating at the moment, I'm more interested in getting a job and moving out. Once I'm on my own, well, what I do in the privacy of my own home, as an adult woman with another consenting adult woman, is, quite frankly, none of my parents' business.

So, to repeat what I said, the only thing you can really do at this point (as I see it) is love your son. You're not the first parent who has had to go through this sort of thing, and I'm thinking it took a lot of courage for your son to tell you (especially knowing how traditional you are) that he is gay. It's definitely not a walk in the park.

Paul theApostle · #55 Apr 8, '12, 10:08 pm

We are all called by God to be chaste.Even practicing Christians fail to live up to this calling at times ,falling into various forms of impure sexual acts.

For those of us who know we must try to be chaste ,we continue to pray ,fast,deny ourselves,and live the Church life.

For those who dont try to live up to this calling,and are wallowing in all sorts of sexual sins,the Church prays for them,and we all are encouraged to pray the Rosary and other Devotions for the conversion of sinners and their salvation.

-------

Pray that God strengthens your faith,have hope and believe truly that your prayers are heard by God,and that he will answers them in His time.

All prayers for the conversion and salvation of others ,particularly sinners ,are heard by God,as we often pray with tears or with pain in our hearts for those who are going astray,and God will most definetely hear these prayers.

Pray about your sons anger against the church and religion.
Lord God please bring peace and love into this sons life.

Pray your son may learn the morality of the church,and the truths about our sexuality.

Have compassion on your son,and know that God desires the salvation of all of us,and persists to save us and bring us back onto the right path.

Have faith and believe and miracles are often the result of our faith.

Tell your boy you love him ,and know that he, like myself and so many other good people,also struggle with sexuality and of keeping oursleves pure until we may be married.

Lord ,look after this boy and hear our prayers for him.If it be your will for him to turn and live a more religous life ,with more control over his sexuality ,then please let your will be done.
Amen

Brofessor · #56 Apr 8, '12, 10:36 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by lax16

Petersmate - My prayers are with you!

One thing I would say is that whether he wanted a girlfriend or a boyfriend to sleep over the answer is still the same - NO.

Treat him with love and keep praying. You are in such a difficult position that, frankly, could happen to any of us.

I find with my teenagers and little one, I rarely watch EWTN because some of the shows are not necessarily meant for all to hear and so I choose to listen to Catholic radio when I am in my car, usually alone.

All you can do is treat him with love and respect and pray often.

As far as his boyfriend goes, treat him with respect and kindness. Welcome him into your home (perhaps take the initiative and invite him round to dinner sometime?). There isn't a problem with his staying with you, as long as he sleeps in a separate room and they don't have sex. Just make this clear with your son beforehand. Your house, your rules.

Petersmate · #57 Apr 9, '12, 3:49 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeritasLuxMea

Applaud all those who have stepped forth to support you.

Also, to the rest of you, how painful do you think it was for this young man to admit it to his father? Can you even IMAGINE?

Yes any support is very much appreciated.
And yes it was very difficult for both of us. When I look back he had been wanting to tell me for some time and he finally built up enough courage to tell me.

Petersmate · #58 Apr 9, '12, 3:55 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul theApostle

We are all called by God to be chaste.Even practicing Christians fail to live up to this calling at times ,falling into various forms of impure sexual acts.

For those of us who know we must try to be chaste ,we continue to pray ,fast,deny ourselves,and live the Church life.

For those who dont try to live up to this calling,and are wallowing in all sorts of sexual sins,the Church prays for them,and we all are encouraged to pray the Rosary and other Devotions for the conversion of sinners and their salvation.

Pray that God strengthens your faith,have hope and believe truly that your prayers are heard by God,and that he will answers them in His time.

All prayers for the conversion and salvation of others ,particularly sinners ,are heard by God,as we often pray with tears or with pain in our hearts for those who are going astray,and God will most definetely hear these prayers.

Pray about your sons anger against the church and religion.
Lord God please bring peace and love into this sons life.

Pray your son may learn the morality of the church,and the truths about our sexuality.

Have compassion on your son,and know that God desires the salvation of all of us,and persists to save us and bring us back onto the right path.

Have faith and believe and miracles are often the result of our faith.

Tell your boy you love him ,and know that he, like myself and so many other good people,also struggle with sexuality and of keeping oursleves pure until we may be married.

Lord ,look after this boy and hear our prayers for him.If it be your will for him to turn and live a more religous life ,with more control over his sexuality ,then please let your will be done.
Amen

Thanks Paul. A great post. That is exactly the kinds of prayers I pray. I have love and compassion for my son, but I'm not ok with his choices it seems such a conflict his choices and the Catholic faith wich I love and adore, theres something not right here.

Paul theApostle · #59 Apr 9, '12, 8:39 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petersmate

. I have love and compassion for my son, but I'm not ok with his choices it seems such a conflict his choices and the Catholic faith wich I love and adore, theres something not right here.

Getting support from your Priest/confessor about how to handle the situation would be good.

Ive never been a Parent with the responsibilties of raising children so im not too sure how to handle the situation.

Many of us are like wounded birds that remain on the ground unable to fly,with a broken or wounded wing perhaps.Usually we then nurse the bird, give it love and support and time to heal until it can fly again.

We cant just grab the bird and fling it high into the air hoping it will fly,it may come crashing down and be hurt even more.

None of us are perfect,we all fall short in different ways.
Someone could pick on each of us and find faults and ways that prove we are not living as true Christians/Catholics.

But in the case of Parents ,im aware they can help shape the children as they grow up and teach them about the faith and use discipline.

So do you use discipline with your son or let it slide? You probably can learn from what other parents have done in these situations and learn what to do from seeing your Preist as well.

With the bird we may put it in a box or cage until it heals and it may seem we are not showing love.But we are and will let it free eventually.
Maybe if we let it free to wander about the ground wounded ,it would be devoured by bigger birds or some cats..

When my own parents have been tough and have disciplined me ,it sure felt bitter and as though they were not showing love and were being harsh.
But i think my actions were wrong and out of control and i neeeded to be put in a little cage myself unitl i started to get back on track.

The other posters have said not to allow sleepovers so that is a kind of discipline.How much or whatever other discipline you may use,i hope you find the answers to and the right support for your family and relationship with your son.

God bless you Peter.

onmyknees · #60 Apr 9, '12, 11:38 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petersmate

There are two issues that stand out that I'm still not quite coming to terms with, being born Gay and Fraternal Charity.
I'm certainly not going to over react to the situation. He is at home with me at the moment and he does go and stay at his homosexual friends place occaisionally. That bothers me but what can I do. I can't see myself helping him move in with his friend. Just as I would never help my daughter move in with her boyfriend. A sin is a sin.

Anyone helping to move their son and his partner to move IS a loving act of charity. It is not condoning the homosexual act. It is definitely NOT a sin. We are called to love everyone right? Well, love is not just an emotion or feeling it is a loving act to do good.

When my priest said that helping my son to move in with his boyfriend was fraternal charity he was by no means condoning the homosexual acts, rather he was telling me that it is right and good to help my son and his partner to move into their apartment. Love is what everyone needs.

I do not believe my son was born gay. My dad, my siblings and I, as well as my husband, his siblings, and his mom were all EXTREMELY shy growing up. Besides being bullied at grade school, his father is a man who does not show very much emotion. He is a police officer and had to work in the evenings and weekends. My son did not get much time with him. So he would come to me when he needed to talk. We were very close. I have heard on EWTN about a theory about same sex attracted men being more attached to the opposite sex parent in the early years of their life. They have not found a gay gene.