Is it unresonable of me to want my husband to plan fun activities for the family?

[monicatholic]

we don't share their "attack life and beat it into submission" style.

b-b-b-b-b-b-ut is there any other way????



the best thing that ever happened to me (along with all the other best things) is that I married a man who's something like a Catholic cross between John Denver and Grasshopper (from Kung Fu.). The guy is so mellow. so zen.

i used to think he was lazy. stupid me. he's content.

[Mrs Sally]

Your dh is not forbidding you from planning outings, he's not refusing to go on outings, he's merely not that interested in planning them himself. Especially when the kids are younger, in most families I know the wife plans events. Sometimes it is because she is home and has a bit more time to research and schedule things, but often not.

Don't resent him for not planning, and don't refuse to plan yourself - then you'll just be upset that you never go anywhere! Go ahead a plan but keep dh's interests in mind (as you'd like him to do for you if he were planning) and remember that outings with a baby will be far different than things you did as a 10yo with your family, or that the two of you would do as a couple.

I suggest that you think of a few things you'd like to do (and that dd and dh would also enjoy) and come up with a few local, afternoon events, day trips, and then weekend or longer vacations. Remember that babies are not likely to enjoy day-long outings to an adult musem, and that she will need nap time. You'll probably prefer a slower pace also since you'll have a stoller, baby pack, or other stuff with you as well.

[TheRealJuliane]

Originally Posted by monicatholic

b-b-b-b-b-b-ut is there any other way????



the best thing that ever happened to me (along with all the other best things) is that I married a man who's something like a Catholic cross between John Denver and Grasshopper (from Kung Fu.). The guy is so mellow. so zen.

i used to think he was lazy. stupid me. he's content.

At your description of your husband. "A Catholic cross between John Denver and "Grasshopper" from Kung Fu."

Being content can be a good thing. Can also be a temptation to complacency, sloth.

Being active can be a good thing. Can also be a temptation to ambition for things other than God, for rewards such as money and fame.

I find it quite amusing how often God pairs up people who are opposites in this area of life.

[Pink_Lemonade]

My husband is the same way- he is perfectly content at home, does not have any real desire to travel, and isn't really an activity planner. It used to bother me a lot more when we were dating- all I wanted was for him to take initiative once in awhile, so I could sit back and not have to figure anything out. After talking to him about it, he gave it a try. But he always ended up choosing something we'd done before that I'd liked, when what I really wanted was something new.

I finally realized that I actually didn't mind planning things, because then we at least got to do them! It wasn't fair of me to expect him to read my mind, plan the way I would have planned, and then be disappointed when he picked the same old thing. Now, if there's something I want to do, I mention it to him and if our budget allows, we do it. I'm happy because we're doing something fun, and he's happy that he didn't have to figure out what I'd like to do. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care, it means that he understands you want to do fun things and knows that you're better at planning them. I think if he's a willing participant, let it go and just have fun with your family. And don't wear him out, or he might become less willing in the future.

[EasterJoy]

Originally Posted by Nanny PK

I am not married but I have four sisters who are so therefore I have four brothers-in-law so I have some insight. What I have observed is that men IN GENERAL are not planners - especially on a topic where they don't have a lot of experience such as planning trips, et cetera. They do better when you give them a task. As another poster said, include him int he decision: "Would you prefer the zoo or the beach?" And then once the destination is decided, why don't you say, "Why don't you find us a great place to go for dinner one night while we're there."

Well, there are a few male "planners" out there, let's just say that!! Some of them plan with quasi-military precision, at that!

[chevalier]

Originally Posted by NurseyJ

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. He's never been the planning type. He grew up poor and never had the chance to explore his interests and do outgoing things or travel. I on the other hand grew up in a family did LOTS of trips and fun family outings. Now that we have a daughter I want for us to do fun things together as a family. He doesn't seem to care that much and wouldn't mind or even notice if we stayed home all day, every day. We both work so we only get a chance to do fun family things together a couple of days a month. Is it unreasonable for me to want him to MAKE AN EFFORT when it comes to planning fun things to do? I get so upset that he doesn't seem to care enough to try planning something for us to do. He would be content to let me call the shots and he just go along with whatever I come up with. I've expressed to him that this is something that I really want him to work on and though he agrees, he just doesn't seem to get it. Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to show some initiative here? Thank you.

You're not unreasonable. And perhaps he's unreasonable. But you're still two people who need to understand and care for each other, playing on the same team and all. You have my sympathies in that I can at least imagine how it feels when you want people to make some effort and they won't. This can be really hard to take. On the other hand, he needs to come round on his own and in a way that keeps him being himself. He can't really do things your way, nor would you actually be satisfied if he merely complied with whatever you wanted—after all it is effort that you want (or rather need) from him!

Have you tried talking to him in a non-accusatory way, focusing on what you need and how you feel (without going over the top, you don't need to throw it all on him and bury him under the weight), without including a judgement of his behaviour or motivations? There's a special technique for that, I forget what it's called. Something to do with feedback.

Hearing about your needs can cause people to come up with some action, while if they felt accused of doing something wrong or not adequately, they could just shut off instead (I'm prone to that kind of reaction myself).

Since he grew up poor and had no means to do things and enjoy life the way you enjoy it, maybe you could just try and introduce him to it without any specific expectations? For his sake, since first of all, you do care for him. Maybe see the perhaps unhappy poor boy that still lingers in him to some extent.

Also, he can learn to enjoy life without planning, for example spontaneously, by coming up with things to do as you go. Don't expect him to become a planner if he isn't. This would be a separate issue from finding or not finding fun things to do as a family. I'm a non-planner of a guy too and I can tell you that being expected to change and become a planner is a torture (as much as always looking for the misplaced keys or wallet or being late to things ), in fact the implication that being a non-planner is somewhat morally wrong due to things not being well-ordered (some moral theologians love the well-ordering) is already very hard to take. You can't make a melancholic into a sanguine or a choleric into a melancholic. Instead perhaps get him to find himself after he opens up and starts stopping to smell the roses.

Good luck and this is just friendly advice. I'm not a professional in this kind of thing.

[shainski]

Yeah, i think you are going to end up frustrating both of you. I don't even think his lack of planning comes from his growing up in a poor family.

If you were an extreme extrovert and married an introvert - you might be asking us how you could get him to stand up and tell jokes at parties. But you would end up frustrated - he just wouldn't be able to or have an interest.

And i love to go places and do things. But I will give you another side. I often do not like the activities too highly planned. I remember once - long before i was married - i was going to take an overseas trip to visit a friend - and another friend was going to fly in from another city. She and i were going to take a week and travel around England while our mutual friend had to work that week. She wanted to plan every minute of the trip. I told her that there were a couple of things i wanted to see, but i didn't want to know what every minute of our trip would be. I told her that we would try to do everything that she wanted (as long as i didn't know about it too far ahead of time).

We all have our own way of enjoying our free time. It sounds like he enjoys doing whatever it is you plan. It doesn't sound like he sulks at the thought of doing what you enjoy doing.

If you are really feeling resentful, then i would try very slowly saying. "You know dear. I would love it if you took a weekend in July - You decide what it is you would like us to do as a family. I don't care if we go on a picnic, a day at the beach, a baseball game - or a camping trip. If we are going overnight, then i will help you pack...just tell me what kind of thing we are doing so i know what to pack. If you want my advice on hotels, then just let me know. But it would mean so much to me if you took this one month."

Then just see what happens. He might plan nothing and you will be at home. He might plan an outing that you don't enjoy. But whatever, be supportive and not critical. Who knows. if he has a positive experience, he may do it again. I doubt that it will ever be a 50/50 thing - so don't make that be your goal.

Good luck.

[Nanny PK]

Originally Posted by EasterJoy

Well, there are a few male "planners" out there, let's just say that!! Some of them plan with quasi-military precision, at that!

One of the said BIL is military so duly noted

[PatriceA]

Originally Posted by Nanny PK

One of the said BIL is military so duly noted

Which brings up our experience as a married couple. My husband likes me to do the planning for family outings. He was military, still connected to the military as a civilian in his current job position. The very last thing he wants to do when he's home is plan another activity, that's all he does all day long when he's at work. It use to frustrate me as well, until I realized his lack of effort to plan activities had nothing to do with how he felt about being involved with the family. He's just more interested in finding out what I plan and learning about me more as his wife. Its a blessing, not a curse. As long as your husband wants to do what you plan as a family, OP, you've got it made in the shade. You'd have a much bigger problem if he didn't want to participate at all.

[happymommy]

My husband is the planner here. If he didn't we wouldn't go anywhere I don't like to travel and I hate day trips! I always have. I'd rather just stay home. My husband grew up doing day trips...zoo, park, pinic and fishing for the afternoon so he likes to plan things like that for our family. I go along, sometimes happily...sometimes not so much! And honestly when I've had enough I stay home!

[Cat]

When you have children, it is good to be able to provide them with age-appropriate activities that will help them to develop a sense of wonder and give them the opportunity to learn new things, go to new places, and meet new people. All of this helps a child to develop good traits and be better-prepared for school and life in general.

Make sure you and your husband are on the same page about this. You're not "planning activities" for the family just for the sake of getting out of the house and being active. You're doing these activities for the sake of the children.

Much of the time, family outings are actually "educational experiences" for the kids. Honestly now, they're usually really not that much fun for the parents, and they certainly aren't relaxing or rejuvenating for a tired parent who has worked all week long either in the home taking care of the family, or outside the home in a paying job.

In fact, many family outings can be just plain exhausting and sometimes even frustrating. And they can be expensive if you're not careful. Even if admission to the activity is "free," there are often food booths and souvenir stands that are hard to resist.

Here's an example. Taking children to a "Children's Music Festival" is often not much fun for the adults. How many of us really truly enjoy listening to wide-eyed perky musicians in colorful costumes strumming a guitar and singing cutesly songs about fluffy bunnies and leading the children in silly hand-motions and hopping around the room? And how many adults actually like helping a child create their own maracas out of a yogurt container and a handful of colorful beans? And how many adults enjoy being hustled by a person trying to convince you to enroll your 2-year-old in a local "Music Experience Academy?"



BUT parents should buck up and take their children to these activities even though the adults would rather just sit home and watch the Big Game while the kids crawl around and play with blocks!

As parents and grown-ups, we need to make conscious decisions to sacrifice a lot of fun adult activities in order to give good experiences to our little ones, and surprise!--we discover that it is actually fun to watch our children learning things and enjoying themselves!

My biggest suggestion is that, as I said in Paragraph One, the activities should be age-appropriate!

I went to the zoo with my daughter and her husband this weekend. It was great fun for us grownups. But we couldn't help but wonder if all those babies in the hot strollers and all those too-heavy-too-carry toddlers were having any fun at all. These little ones can't even see over the fences unless someone lifts them, and then the animals are so far away and usually just lying there soaking up the sun and not moving. And surely it isn't any fun for those little guys to just keep walking and walking and walking on their little chubby feet in their little flip-flops in the heat and the burning sun and the dust and the smelly animals, with all the big kids running around and all the drink stands and souvenir shops and mommy and daddy saying "No! You can't buy that" over and over again.

I told my kids that they should wait until their kids are old enough to walk comfortably by themselves before bringing them to a zoo. Little toddlers can have just as much fun visiting a local pet store, or even petting the next door neighbors' cat or dog!

[EasterJoy]

Originally Posted by Cat

You're not "planning activities" for the family just for the sake of getting out of the house and being active. You're doing these activities for the sake of the children.

Tell your spouse that only if that's true, however. If she fully intends to keep going on outings after the kids leave for college, she'd better admit up front that she does it because she finds it stimulating (or interesting or fun or a bonding experience or all of the above) for her own sake in addition to the sake of the kids. Besides, if she admits that she likes to go out because she likes to go out, she won't have any pointless arguments about the projects that her husband can think of* to give the kids to do at home on their own in place of her outings!

When the kids go off to college, she may have to do as my aunt did, and find herself friends who liked to travel. Her husband (my uncle, that is) used to stay home happily with the dog, keeping the garden watered and the grass mowed and going fishing when the whim hit him to go fishing.

(Did they ever fish together? No. One of the reasons she went on outings was to have a chance to talk. One of the reasons he fished was to have a chance to be free of talking. They did not go fishing together! )

*(If the OPs husband prefers "home" outings, he might want to see: The Dangerous Book for Boys by Conn Iggulden, The American Boy's Handy Book: What to Do and How to Do It, Centennial Edition by Daniel C. Beard and Noel Perrin and books of that nature. My husband called the kids around for a hands-on tutorial every time he was working on the wiring or the plumbing or the irrigation system, and they loved it. They planned and built a climbing wall and play structure in the back yard together, too. The kids once cited that as one of their "proudest accomplishments".)