Navigating family life; a little advice please?

Ophelia23 · #1 Apr 11, '12, 8:46 am

My husband and I live in the city and state where he grew up. We are surrounded by his family, many of whom are wonderful people! Some are a challenge, but most are great.

His family, however, is not Catholic. When our daughter was born and the time for baptism rolled around, some of his family expressed hurt that we had not chosen them to be godparents; but being Catholic, we believe that the role of godparent is to help raise the child in the Church. With that, we invited my brother and sister-in-law (who live near to the rest of my family in another state) to be godparents to our child.

We are open to another child, as ours will be 2 this spring. I know that when another baptism comes around, this will be more of an issue. My Mother-In-Law sees our not inviting their family members to be godparents as a sign of us being "closed minded", "judgmental" and "unkind". My heart aches for them, because I know that they just want to show their love for our children and they do not understand why we simply can not have them be godparents.

Has anybody navigated their way through a similar situation? If this comes up again, I want to approach the situation with love and gentleness, while still being firm in our Catholic beliefs. I am interested in any advice anyone can offer. Thank you!

KCT · #2 Apr 11, '12, 8:48 am

A God parent promises to help raise the child in the Catholic faith.

Why would his family members want to stand up and promise to do that? Perhaps his family does not understand the role of God parent. Have you explained it to them?

Ophelia23 · #3 Apr 11, '12, 8:51 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by KCT

A God parent promises to help raise the child in the Catholic faith.

Why would his family members want to stand up and promise to do that? Perhaps his family does not understand the role of God parent. Have you explained it to them?

We did at the time, but they did not fully understand. Some of the family have Christian tendencies and beliefs, but are not part of the Catholic faith. From their perspective, a God parent has a different role than what we believe it to be and they felt excluded and hurt by our decision.

kristacecilia · #4 Apr 11, '12, 8:52 am

I am in an almost identical situation. I moved to another country when I married and live within an hour's drive of my husband's entire non-Catholic family. My family lives spread across the US . Anyway, we feel the same way you do. We just very nicely told them that we take our faith very seriously and that the Church has expectations for Godparents that non-practicing Catholics or non-Catholics would not be able to meet. It would just be unfair to ask them to take something on that they are not equipped to handle. So we can only choose people who are practicing their faith and are willing and able to make sure that their godchildren are raised in the faith as well.

So far it's been ok. I am sure some people have felt that they would have liked to have been asked but no one has told me.

As for your specific situation, I would sit down with DH, make sure we are on the same page, and then have him tell his mother that whomever we choose for godparents is our concern and not a decision we choose to make lightly. Her input isn't requested.

Veronica97 · #5 Apr 11, '12, 8:55 am

Simply tell your in-laws it is not YOUR decision--these are church rules and you must abide by them. As far as I know this IS the truth!

Schieffelin · #6 Apr 11, '12, 8:55 am

Do you think it would help if you had a priest with you to help explain it to them?

I am always so confused about people being offended by things like this. It's like me being offended that I can't perform a Jewish wedding or have some central role in a Muslim religious ceremony. It doesn't make any sense. Baptism is a sacrament of initiation into the Catholic Church. It's not just a feel-good, sentimental get together for family and friends.

KCT · #7 Apr 11, '12, 8:56 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ophelia23

We did at the time, but they did not fully understand. Some of the family have Christian tendencies and beliefs, but are not part of the Catholic faith. From their perspective, a God parent has a different role than what we believe it to be and they felt excluded and hurt by our decision.

Aww... well I guess I would just reiterate that aunts, uncles, grandparents etc are very important. Just because they don't have the title 'Godparent' doesn't mean they don't have a significant role in the life of a child.

And at some point, if they keep asking, you may need to stop explaining yourself and move on.

Em_in_FL · #8 Apr 11, '12, 8:59 am

Don't make it emotional or personal... it's NEITHER...

Canon Law says:

Quote:

Can. 874 §1. To be permitted to take on the function of sponsor a person must:

1/ be designated by the one to be baptized, by the parents or the person who takes their place, or in their absence by the pastor or minister and have the aptitude and intention of fulfilling this function;

2/ have completed the sixteenth year of age, unless the diocesan bishop has established another age, or the pastor or minister has granted an exception for a just cause;

3/ be a Catholic who has been confirmed and has already received the most holy sacrament of the Eucharist and who leads a life of faith in keeping with the function to be taken on;

4/ not be bound by any canonical penalty legitimately imposed or declared;

5/ not be the father or mother of the one to be baptized.

§2. A baptized person who belongs to a non-Catholic ecclesial community is not to participate except together with a Catholic sponsor and then only as a witness of the baptism

PatriceA · #9 Apr 11, '12, 8:59 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ophelia23

We did at the time, but they did not fully understand. Some of the family have Christian tendencies and beliefs, but are not part of the Catholic faith. From their perspective, a God parent has a different role than what we believe it to be and they felt excluded and hurt by our decision.

Only one godparent needs to be Catholic. The other godparent can be a Christian witness. If your husband's family has somebody that would take on the godparent role as described by the Catholic Church, they could be the other godparent. If the reason you haven't chosen anybody from your husband's family because they can not fulfill the role despite not being Catholic, then that's their problem, not yours. But you can consider family members or friends that are not Catholic as long as you have at least one godparent that is Catholic AND in good standing with the Church. My daughter's godfather isn't Catholic but in his actions and words, he's probably more Catholic than a lot of Catholics I know. He is fully active in our daughter's faith life, maybe one day he'll actually convert.

KCT · #10 Apr 11, '12, 9:00 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schieffelin

I am always so confused about people being offended by things like this. It's like me being offended that I can't perform a Jewish wedding or have some central role in a Muslim religious ceremony. It doesn't make any sense. Baptism is a sacrament of initiation into the Catholic Church. It's not just a feel-good, sentimental get together for family and friends.

I understand, but many Christians don't. (well, the whole Jewish/ Muslim thing they would get...) My father in law's side of the family is made up of lots of Christian denominations. They agree on what they consider 'basics' and the rest is all ok.

I had them ask if Cousin Rob, the Presbyterian minister, was going to perform our daughter's wedding. They really have no clue... (through no fault of their own)

Schieffelin · #11 Apr 11, '12, 9:06 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by KCT

I understand, but many Christians don't. (well, the whole Jewish/ Muslim thing they would get...) My father in law's side of the family is made up of lots of Christian denominations. They agree on what they consider 'basics' and the rest is all ok.

I had them ask if Cousin Rob, the Presbyterian minister, was going to perform our daughter's wedding. They really have no clue... (through no fault of their own)

Yeah, I think that's what bothers me though. Why the respect for other religions' boundaries but not for Catholicism? I think we as Catholics sometimes need to use these analogies to help people understand. Not that we want to cause more division among Christians but they do have to understand that there are important differences. I would encourage the OP to gently and charitably educate them about this some more.

Em_in_FL · #12 Apr 11, '12, 9:10 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by PatriceA

Only one godparent needs to be Catholic. The other godparent can be a Christian witness. If your husband's family has somebody that would take on the godparent role as described by the Catholic Church, they could be the other godparent. If the reason you haven't chosen anybody from your husband's family because they can not fulfill the role despite not being Catholic, then that's their problem, not yours. But you can consider family members or friends that are not Catholic as long as you have at least one godparent that is Catholic AND in good standing with the Church. My daughter's godfather isn't Catholic but in his actions and words, he's probably more Catholic than a lot of Catholics I know. He is fully active in our daughter's faith life, maybe one day he'll actually convert.

Wonderful point... it may be an avenue to heal any division and maybe a tiny inspiration for conversion!!!

bearkatjen · #13 Apr 11, '12, 9:23 am

My husband's family is Catholic and mine is not. Since my family is Southern Baptist and Godparents aren't a tradition, my family I no real expectation of being picked as Godparents. I really emphasized the religious aspect to my parents though, so they understood and they could explain to my brother and sister if they mentioned not getting pick to my parents. My husband and I picked his sister and his best friend. We also held the baptism in his hometown (on the other side of the country from my family). My family was invited to come if they wanted, but under no obligation to do so. They decided not to, but they were very excited for DS and supportive. My parents realize they get to see a lot more of DS than DH's family does, and I think that helps keep everything in-perspective for them.

If you'r DH's family is unhappy or they don't understand, your DH needs to gently explain his and your reasons for choosing who y'all have. Some parishes require both godparents to be Catholic, so that's something to check out too. I believe DH's hometown parish required both godparents to be Catholic and in good standing.

SummerSmiles · #14 Apr 11, '12, 9:24 am

i dealt with a similar situation when my children were baptized. I have no siblings and my husband has two brothers; they're both fallen-away Catholics. One is married to an atheist. When the time came to pick godparents, the married brother and atheist wife were very offended that we didn't automatically ask them to be the godparents.

When my daughter was born, MIL gave us the heads up that they were offended and expected to be godparents this time around. DH and I took them aside and explained to them what it really meant to be a godparent. That is, they needed to be able to promise to help raise the child in the Catholic faith. We asked them if they would be able to give our kids the Catholic answer to any question they had. We asked if they honestly felt that they could model the Catholic faith to our kids. They both agreed that those responsibilities weren't ones that they could take on. DH and I explained that as auntie and uncle, they would still have an important role in our kids' lives and that we still treasure them.

Also make sure that you explain that in the Catholic church, the role of godparent is different than a godparent role in other faiths. You are bound by the rules of your denomination. It's nothing personal against them, you just have a responsibility to find someone who can fill the roll from a Catholic perspective.

28562 · #15 Apr 11, '12, 9:32 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by PatriceA

Only one godparent needs to be Catholic. The other godparent can be a Christian witness. If your husband's family has somebody that would take on the godparent role as described by the Catholic Church, they could be the other godparent. If the reason you haven't chosen anybody from your husband's family because they can not fulfill the role despite not being Catholic, then that's their problem, not yours. But you can consider family members or friends that are not Catholic as long as you have at least one godparent that is Catholic AND in good standing with the Church. My daughter's godfather isn't Catholic but in his actions and words, he's probably more Catholic than a lot of Catholics I know. He is fully active in our daughter's faith life, maybe one day he'll actually convert.

This...

My mom is Catholic and my dad isn't, but my brothers and I were all raised Catholic. My wife's family is whatever Protestant religion they feel like this week.

When our daughter was born (our 1st child), we asked my mom and my wife's dad to be godparents. More of a sign of respect for him than anything else. For our other two kids, my parents were the godparents, because we know that if anything were to happen to us, my parents would definitely be the people that we would want to be responsible for our kids.