So very disappointed...15yo son rejects the faith

jonich11792 · #1 Apr 14, '12, 8:11 pm

My husband and I have 4 boys ages 6, 9, 12, 15. I am a SAHM and our goal - especially MY #1 goal has been to raise them to have a strong faith.

My husband's faith is strong...he was a product of Catholic School. I attended public school then Catholic College and while my parents made sure I received my sacraments, and took me to church and CCD until I was confirmed, very little happened at home to discuss the faith.

I try to incorporate the faith into our every day lives. I give the boys books with the daily readings in it...leaving them out on the counter while they're having breakfast

, we pray as a family at dinner and list intentions, attend weekly mass, 3 of our boys are Servers, etc..

Our oldest is a straight-A gifted student, loves computers and has a computer business where he helps others troubleshoot their computer or networking problems. He is working on his Eagle Scout - albeit it MINIMALLY.

I just feel SO DISAPPOINTED. My husband and I just returned from Rome - yes, Rome. We were there for Cardinal Dolan's Consistory in February - saw the Pope 3 days in a row. LITERALLY 2 days after we returned, my son drops the bomb that he doesn't 'buy into' Caholicism, or even God for that matter. After some discussion, and several after that - he just won't budge.

HE says intelligent people DO NOT believe in God - most are Atheist.

He is also suffering from depression and has been seeing a counselor for about 3 weeks. He says it was the depression first, and he tried praying, and God didn't help him and that is what started him to doubt God. I am not sure I believe him b/c looking back he has never really seemed that 'into' the faith.

MOST of my close friends have teens that are REALLY into their faith. I mean - willingly in youth groups, going to DAILY scripture study at 6am (my mormon friend...ALL four of her boys have done this and the 2nd one is on a mission).

My son - WAY TOO SELFISH.

I cannot believe how saddened I am, how sorry for myself I feel. How so very disappointed I am - with my life - that I was not given a SISTER, a DAUGHTER, and now, my oldest son is rejecting the faith.

I feel like I am hiding this deep dark secret - AND I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW!! I don't want my parents to know, my friends, even my other sons.

I am seeing a counselor but quite honestly I don't think she sees how much this is truly bothering me. I started with a Spiritual Director as well who says 'he is a porcupine and you need to love him where he is'. This helps but then I think about my friends or talk to them and if they discuss their children regarding the faith I am so sad again. My close friend from college - her daughter is going to a Catholic college.

I just feel SOOOOO LET DOWN. SOOOO let down. Part of me wants to completely give up on this child and focus on my other sons because perhaps there is hope for them. Since my faith is my NUMBER ONE JOY IN MY LIFE I now feel like I cannot share it with my oldest b/c he'll make a comment, or roll his eyes. He's serving tomorrow and he asked if he has to serve. I said yes - he said 'fine but I am taking my name off the rotation'. I want to cry.

My husband says - you cannot force it. He took him to dinner, they had a discussion, and he came home and said to me 'you cannot force it'. He's so annoyingly not bothered by it.

Thanks for listening.

ChibiViolet · #2 Apr 14, '12, 9:11 pm

I don't know what to say except that I will pray for you and your family.

robwar · #3 Apr 14, '12, 9:14 pm

If your son is down, did he become disappointed in God for what ever reason and feels that God has let him down so just stop believing. You need to stop comparing him to your friends kids and accept him as he is. Let him know that you still love him and God does too. and finally pray for him. Even if he seems to reject God now, with your prayers, he might come back stronger that what your friends kids are doing. While he is under your roof, let him know he still has to attend mass with you. Is he stopped believing because of the pressure he may feel when compared to others his age? Take a deep breath and ask God for help to show him love and acceptance.

Maria1993 · #4 Apr 14, '12, 9:15 pm

Im sure your son is in you prayers, and keep doing so.
May God Bless you and your family.

Morwenna · #5 Apr 14, '12, 9:17 pm

Hi Joni,

I'm not a parent so I'm really in no position to give advice, unfortunately.

I will say that this point is probably the most easily-refuted:

Quote:

HE says intelligent people DO NOT believe in God - most are Atheist.

If you can, challenge him to read CS Lewis, Tolkien, and Chesterton, and then see if he can (with a straight face) say that "intelligent people do not believe in God"

I'll pray for the Holy Spirit to come into his heart, and the Mercy of Jesus to surround him.

George Stegmeir · #6 Apr 14, '12, 9:18 pm

You didn't mention whether or not your 15 year old accompanied you to Rome. And you didn't say whether or not he attended Catholic School.
From your description, it sounds like he is rebelling against your family, probably in reaction to his not going to Rome with you and your husband,
He is just being a 15 year old, acting like a 15 year old- a kid in a mans body with raging hormones. Unfortunately, it is a little too late to enforce strict discipline in him at this point.
You mentioned counseling...I would suggest that you meet with your pastor and discuss how to handle this situation, vis a vie his rebellion against the Faith. He needs to have a series of discussions with a priest who is trained in debating our religion- If you have a Jesuit or Dominican run parish nearby I would recommend it.
As for the rest, I would recommend a regime of Carrot and Stick. Don't offer bribes, but let him know in no uncertain terms that he will pay dearly for his behavior. He must learn that there are penalties for such behavior.
I had a very strict German father and an even stricter Polish mother. Yes times have changed, but if I dared say anything contrary to our Catholic faith, I would have been lucky they allowed me to live. In our family, there were certain thing that were tabu! and it was strictly enforced.

ChibiViolet · #7 Apr 14, '12, 9:22 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morwenna

Hi Joni,

I'm not a parent so I'm really in no position to give advice, unfortunately.

I will say that this point is probably the most easily-refuted:

If you can, challenge him to read CS Lewis, Tolkien, and Chesterton, and then see if he can (with a straight face) say that "intelligent people do not believe in God"

I'll pray for the Holy Spirit to come into his heart, and the Mercy of Jesus to surround him.

Also, you can tell him Albert Einstien believed in God.

the 7th one · #8 Apr 14, '12, 9:29 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by jonich11792

My husband and I have 4 boys ages 6, 9, 12, 15. I am a SAHM and our goal - especially MY #1 goal has been to raise them to have a strong faith.

My husband's faith is strong...he was a product of Catholic School. I attended public school then Catholic College and while my parents made sure I received my sacraments, and took me to church and CCD until I was confirmed, very little happened at home to discuss the faith.

I try to incorporate the faith into our every day lives. I give the boys books with the daily readings in it...leaving them out on the counter while they're having breakfast

, we pray as a family at dinner and list intentions, attend weekly mass, 3 of our boys are Servers, etc..

Our oldest is a straight-A gifted student, loves computers and has a computer business where he helps others troubleshoot their computer or networking problems. He is working on his Eagle Scout - albeit it MINIMALLY.

I just feel SO DISAPPOINTED. My husband and I just returned from Rome - yes, Rome. We were there for Cardinal Dolan's Consistory in February - saw the Pope 3 days in a row. LITERALLY 2 days after we returned, my son drops the bomb that he doesn't 'buy into' Caholicism, or even God for that matter. After some discussion, and several after that - he just won't budge.

HE says intelligent people DO NOT believe in God - most are Atheist.

He is also suffering from depression and has been seeing a counselor for about 3 weeks. He says it was the depression first, and he tried praying, and God didn't help him and that is what started him to doubt God. I am not sure I believe him b/c looking back he has never really seemed that 'into' the faith.

MOST of my close friends have teens that are REALLY into their faith. I mean - willingly in youth groups, going to DAILY scripture study at 6am (my mormon friend...ALL four of her boys have done this and the 2nd one is on a mission).

My son - WAY TOO SELFISH.

I cannot believe how saddened I am, how sorry for myself I feel. How so very disappointed I am - with my life - that I was not given a SISTER, a DAUGHTER, and now, my oldest son is rejecting the faith.

I feel like I am hiding this deep dark secret - AND I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW!! I don't want my parents to know, my friends, even my other sons.

I am seeing a counselor but quite honestly I don't think she sees how much this is truly bothering me. I started with a Spiritual Director as well who says 'he is a porcupine and you need to love him where he is'. This helps but then I think about my friends or talk to them and if they discuss their children regarding the faith I am so sad again. My close friend from college - her daughter is going to a Catholic college.

I just feel SOOOOO LET DOWN. SOOOO let down. Part of me wants to completely give up on this child and focus on my other sons because perhaps there is hope for them. Since my faith is my NUMBER ONE JOY IN MY LIFE I now feel like I cannot share it with my oldest b/c he'll make a comment, or roll his eyes. He's serving tomorrow and he asked if he has to serve. I said yes - he said 'fine but I am taking my name off the rotation'. I want to cry.

My husband says - you cannot force it. He took him to dinner, they had a discussion, and he came home and said to me 'you cannot force it'. He's so annoyingly not bothered by it.

Thanks for listening.

I understand what you are going through. My wife and I adopted a brother and sister from the state fostercare system about 10 years ago. She will be turning 17 this summer and he will be turning 16 thisa summer. Last year both were arrested for stealing (at diffrent times of the year) and both ended up in with the same counsler. They both declaired that they do not and never have belived, and they resent us "shoving" religion on them. The 16 year old has said that she plans to move out when she is 17 and does not want to see any of us ever again. Her younger brother said that he was moving out and joining her when he turned 17. She told him at that point that he was a part of the ones that she never wanted to see again. He toned it down since then, but she is pressing on with it. Both of these kids have been diagnosed with reactive atchment disorter. I beliver that lies at her rejection of the faith (she rejects us, so anything that is connected with us). He is more the kids he's trying to "hang" with.
My view has been, you live under our roof, you go to mass on Sundays. We both are praying for them. I try to take the image of the Prodigal son parable, and try to let them go, pray for them. I also pray for my wife and I that we will remain open to God moving in their lives one day and us accepting that they have changed.
Both of our kids have problems the younger has a very bad case of ADHD and the older mild ADD with depression tendencies. We have pushed to make sure they seek treatment at doctors in Catholic institutions. We were told at the classes, before the kids were placed often the kids are like 2 diffrent people the before age 25 person and the after age 25 person. at that age somthing seems to click in people and a certain understanding starts to sink into them. So keep up the prayers, get his depression treated, love him, but keep him from influencing the others, and hang on to that life line of faith in hopes that he'll be back for it.
Peace of the Lord be with you always

dailey · #9 Apr 14, '12, 9:30 pm

Wow, it seems like more and more I am reading these types of stories.

I can feel your pain. I am so sorry that you are going through this, I don't even know what I would do if my children rejected their faith. I will pray that your son comes to his senses.

Quote:

Originally Posted by George Stegmeir

I had a very strict German father and an even stricter Polish mother. Yes times have changed, but if I dared say anything contrary to our Catholic faith, I would have been lucky they allowed me to live. In our family, there were certain thing that were tabu! and it was strictly enforced.

You were raised right.

prodigalson2011 · #10 Apr 14, '12, 9:35 pm

The teenage years are turbulent and there is alot of pressure on youth today to "secularize" themselves. I, myself, did the same thing when I was his age. Depression was a factor for me, also. Whatever you do, DO NOT "give up" on him. It is your God given responsibility to be a model of unconditional love to your children. Pray for him and trust God. My parents waited years and years for me; even though I rejected God, they were always there to help me and encourage me. Now, more than a decade later, they had the joy of seeing me confirmed this past Easter vigil. My mom told me it's the greatest gift I've ever given her.

There are books for parents in your situation. I'd be glad to get some names for you. Bottom line, do not abandon your child. Make sure he feels loved and treasured; it can be more effective than you think. You say your son is very intelligent; it is a fact that highly intelligent people are more prone to skepticism. It might be a good idea to steel up on your theology and have discussions with him.

I'll keep you and your son in my prayers. God bless.

bz5 · #11 Apr 14, '12, 9:37 pm

I have sons about those ages as well, and I would be very distressed in your position, so I'm sorry you're going through it. However, I remember feeling similarly when I was a teen/young adult, and it was scary. I thought I might be the only doubter, but a priest at college said students came to him frequently in tears, without doubts, yet fearing they'd go to hell for it. I think it's normal for that age.
Today it seems there are many proud and vocal atheists. I'd expose him to some really brilliant Christians - St. Augustine, Thomas Aquinas, for example. Or Scott Hahn and Patrick Madrid both have books refuting atheists. And you still have a few years with him at home. The best thing to do is to live as a Christian life, let him see joy, love, faith in action. What a contrast that will be to the depressed, angry, immorality he may encounter elsewhere in the future.

sparrowhawk28 · #12 Apr 14, '12, 9:40 pm

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your son. I'm not a parent myself, but am experiencing a similar thing with my 17-year-old brother. My family is Catholic and does pretty much the minimum level of worship (unfortunately), and my brother hasn't prayed with us or gone to Mass with us probably for over a year now. He calls himself an "atheist". It really hurts my parents, so I can understand how you must be feeling too. I think many teenagers (particularly boys) have an element of selfishness within them.

In my opinion, the best things you could do (these are things I do for my brother and things that I've seen my parents do) are:

1. Pray for him, that he will find God again.

2. Talk to him. Try and understand him better. Get an idea of why he's forming these attitudes and why he's behaving this way. Don't try to be his friend or his "pal". Exercise authority. Try to connect with him, but don't try to be anything more than his mother.

3. Don't give up on him. He needs you. If he genuinely has lost faith, don't push him beyond his comfort zone. Instead, gently encourage him to recognise the beauty in prayer and worship. You could try and encourage him just to come to Mass and be with you - he doesn't necessarily need to pray or receive Communion, but just come and be together with the family. My parents are wonderful, but one of the mistakes they make is they keep pushing the faith at my brother - keep telling him how good it would be if he came to Mass or saying what he's missing out on. Ramming it down his throat, almost. I understand how hard it is for them, but the only way things will really work is if and when he comes to Mass and participates of his own accord. Perhaps it is the same with your son. You can guide and instruct as much as you want, but in the end he needs to make the final step.

The idea about getting him to read C.S. Lewis, Tolkien, etc. is a good one.

Praying for you and your family. I hope things can change.

kmuestwin · #13 Apr 14, '12, 10:00 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by jonich11792

My husband and I have 4 boys ages 6, 9, 12, 15. I am a SAHM and our goal - especially MY #1 goal has been to raise them to have a strong faith.

My husband's faith is strong...he was a product of Catholic School. I attended public school then Catholic College and while my parents made sure I received my sacraments, and took me to church and CCD until I was confirmed, very little happened at home to discuss the faith.

I try to incorporate the faith into our every day lives. I give the boys books with the daily readings in it...leaving them out on the counter while they're having breakfast

, we pray as a family at dinner and list intentions, attend weekly mass, 3 of our boys are Servers, etc..

Our oldest is a straight-A gifted student, loves computers and has a computer business where he helps others troubleshoot their computer or networking problems. He is working on his Eagle Scout - albeit it MINIMALLY.

I just feel SO DISAPPOINTED. My husband and I just returned from Rome - yes, Rome. We were there for Cardinal Dolan's Consistory in February - saw the Pope 3 days in a row. LITERALLY 2 days after we returned, my son drops the bomb that he doesn't 'buy into' Caholicism, or even God for that matter. After some discussion, and several after that - he just won't budge.

HE says intelligent people DO NOT believe in God - most are Atheist.

He is also suffering from depression and has been seeing a counselor for about 3 weeks. He says it was the depression first, and he tried praying, and God didn't help him and that is what started him to doubt God. I am not sure I believe him b/c looking back he has never really seemed that 'into' the faith.

MOST of my close friends have teens that are REALLY into their faith. I mean - willingly in youth groups, going to DAILY scripture study at 6am (my mormon friend...ALL four of her boys have done this and the 2nd one is on a mission).

My son - WAY TOO SELFISH.

I cannot believe how saddened I am, how sorry for myself I feel. How so very disappointed I am - with my life - that I was not given a SISTER, a DAUGHTER, and now, my oldest son is rejecting the faith.

I feel like I am hiding this deep dark secret - AND I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW!! I don't want my parents to know, my friends, even my other sons.

I am seeing a counselor but quite honestly I don't think she sees how much this is truly bothering me. I started with a Spiritual Director as well who says 'he is a porcupine and you need to love him where he is'. This helps but then I think about my friends or talk to them and if they discuss their children regarding the faith I am so sad again. My close friend from college - her daughter is going to a Catholic college.

I just feel SOOOOO LET DOWN. SOOOO let down. Part of me wants to completely give up on this child and focus on my other sons because perhaps there is hope for them. Since my faith is my NUMBER ONE JOY IN MY LIFE I now feel like I cannot share it with my oldest b/c he'll make a comment, or roll his eyes. He's serving tomorrow and he asked if he has to serve. I said yes - he said 'fine but I am taking my name off the rotation'. I want to cry.

My husband says - you cannot force it. He took him to dinner, they had a discussion, and he came home and said to me 'you cannot force it'. He's so annoyingly not bothered by it.

Thanks for listening.

Right now, your son is going through an emotional time. His depression may be partly from low self-esteem. He doesn't need to feel hidden away or ignored. That is only going to exascerbate the problem. My advice is to spend more time with him. Do things with him that you both enjoy and just try to have a good time together. Help him to grow emotionally and get past his depression.

I hate to say it but your husband is right. You can't force faith on someone. The harder you push the harder he's going to fight back.

The best way to handle this is for you to get more involved with your faith. Learn about Catholicism. Use your free time to study into the depths of our faith. Pray the rosary every day for your son. Have him go to mass with the family. Don't make him feel like its a punishment to be at church. Let him know that you and your husband have a better time at church when hes there and that he should go to be a good example for his brothers.

Don't pressure your son to receive the Eucharist. If he doesn't believe, let him know that he shouldn't receive. This is not a punishment, it is a tenent of the Catholic faith.

Read Catholic books and leave them around the house.

Don't get angry or upset. Just get praying.

Let me make a list to explain this better...

Love him constantly
Pray for him unceasingly
Wait for him patiently

This is exactly what our lady does for us so we should do the same.

mab23 · #14 Apr 14, '12, 10:51 pm

I feel like this is not such an uncommon scenario in situations where both parents are very involved in faith, i know there are many factors that come into play - but i can help but notice the correlation

it could be an act of rebellion.?

Alder · #15 Apr 14, '12, 10:59 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by mab23

I feel like this is not such an uncommon scenario in situations where both parents are very involved in faith, i know there are many factors that come into play - but i can help but notice the correlation

it could be an act of rebellion.?

Maybe. But maybe less devout parents are less likely talk about issues like these on a catholic forum.