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  #1  
Old Apr 15, '12, 5:41 pm
Candace Candace is offline
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Default Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

I am desperatly trying to forgive my husband's infidelity with a prostitue. He was addicterd to porn. He has turned his life around, and is in a major conversion.

The problem is me, I cannot forget what he did. I cry a lot, am getting counsceling but it haunts me.

Please help with any advise
  #2  
Old Apr 15, '12, 6:39 pm
S Elizabeth S Elizabeth is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

Hi Candace,

I hope my advice can help you. This is my first post here, but I had to respond to you. A few years ago, I was in almost the exact same situation. I had a young child, good marriage, good home life, etc. I thought all was very well in my world. Then it all came crashing down.

While browsing online, I found out my husband had a secret e-mail address. After a little digging, I found out he had a massive porn habit. Which I had no idea about. We had discussions for a few days, until the evidence was too much to deny, and he came clean. He was addicted to porn. He was reading Craigslist ads and responding to them. He said he never slept with a prostitute, but he might as well have...by his e-mails he was certainly trying to. He's a christian man. Quiet and reserved type. I had no idea he could ever be capable of doing, even thinking, of something this hideous.

There will be good days again for you, Candace. We both went to counseling. My husband no longer goes on the computer. He is a much better husband, friend, and father than he was before. I can't say that I don't have nagging doubts (did something more happen that I'm not aware of, would he do it again??) but even these thoughts are decreasing as time goes on. I have to trust in him that he's changed, and trust in the Lord.

You know how they say good often comes out of bad situations? Well, we ended up having two more children since our issue a few years ago. Pretty good for a couple who doctors said could never get pregnant on their own (we needed medical intervention to get pregnant with our first).

Hang in there Candace. God bless.

Send me a message if you'd like to talk more.

S Elizabeth
  #3  
Old Apr 15, '12, 6:44 pm
JNdoum JNdoum is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

I wanted to say you aren't wrong to have trouble forgiving him, it's understandable. But not forgiving him would be hurtful to the both of you. It would be very helpful to pray to the Lord often (and I mean very often) for the grace to forgive him, even if you never forget. I think it'd also be good to talk out your issues with your husband, as calmly as you can manage, and tell him how you are feeling. If you feel you can't really be around him right now, I'd suggest that you avoid contact until you are totally ready. And never let him pressure you into forgiving him (I'm sure he won't, but still). Forgiveness is in your court right now, and healing will come, you just both have to be patient. Continue counseling and do as the doctors tell you and I'm sure that by the grace of God all will be well.
  #4  
Old Apr 15, '12, 6:45 pm
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Samuel63 Samuel63 is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

I believe this is an almost common occurence. Something is going on "behind the scenes" however to be aware of. This cycle of sin, the fall, and separation is part of a spiritual battle. Now that your husband has fallen, it is up to you to hold it together. The dark forces around us want you to separate. This is the goal of the evil that is around us. To cause marriages to break up, to foster separation.

I pray you will not be compelled to break up. Get your husband and yourself to adoration, sacrament of penance, do some simple devotions together, re-create your lives. I know it is hard. I have some similar experiences.

God bless you and may our Mother Mary intercede.
  #5  
Old Apr 15, '12, 6:51 pm
itullian itullian is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

hi Candace,

don't know if this will help but i'll be frank since i'm a man.

sex for a man can be strictly an appetite quenching. the episode is meaningless once it's over. we don't have to feel anything for a woman to have sex with her. of course if he loves the person that's another story.

but since he sought a prostitute it was just an acting out of biology and maybe fantasy.

if he's truly sorry and makes a sincere effort to make it up to and reinstill your trust, i think he's worthy of the chance. have no fear, she means absolutly nothing to him. and his love for you wouldn't diminish one bit because of this transgretion.

don't know if this helps. i'm just a down to earth guy knowing how i would feel.
  #6  
Old Apr 15, '12, 7:03 pm
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MySoph MySoph is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

Candace,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'll keep you in my Divine Mercy Chaplet intentions for tomorrow. I pray God will have mercy on you and your husband. Jesus knows forgiveness takes time. The sacraments are an important part of God giving us His grace for the trials in our lives. He knows we're up against great evil, so he has an abundance of grace to give us if we ask him for it and trust in Him to deliver. So make use of confession if you aren't already going regularly and attend Mass during the week if you can. Keep asking God for his mercy. Pray the DM chaplet if you aren't already. These things really help. It's a spiritual battle as well as an earthly battle, so fight it spiritually as well.


  #7  
Old Apr 15, '12, 8:02 pm
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faithfully faithfully is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by itullian View Post
hi Candace,

don't know if this will help but i'll be frank since i'm a man.

sex for a man can be strictly an appetite quenching. the episode is meaningless once it's over. we don't have to feel anything for a woman to have sex with her. of course if he loves the person that's another story.

but since he sought a prostitute it was just an acting out of biology and maybe fantasy.

if he's truly sorry and makes a sincere effort to make it up to and reinstill your trust, i think he's worthy of the chance. have no fear, she means absolutly nothing to him. and his love for you wouldn't diminish one bit because of this transgretion.

don't know if this helps. i'm just a down to earth guy knowing how i would feel.
I understand that many men seem to think this way. Personally, I feel it's a cop out to use as any sort of excuse for cheating. If a man must sin, perhaps he can just take care of business in the shower. Perhaps he can do his best not to contract disease. To not bring another human into the picture.

We make promises to each other in front of the Lord. There aren't many other promises we do such a thing with.

We hear how, in the good ol' days, men made biz deals on a hand shake. Their word was their bond. No one needed a contract signed. Somehow this word is more important and considered stronger than the one to a wife infront of the Lord.

And while it may be, this marriage and many others are worth saving for many reasons. MEN, take heed. Cheating men are deminished as a whole person in the eyes of your wives. Especially when these men try to pull off the "it didn't mean anything". These men should not be suprised when sex is removed from their marriage equation. When they render sex a meaningless, nothingness. Why bother. I certainly wouldn't want to risk putting my health in danger. Especially if sex means nothing. Why do that?

You see, if a man can take a marriage (supposedly something) and give "nothing" any degree of attention. Well, then, they just deminished the marriage to something less important than "nothing". Imagine how your wife feels to know wife<nothing.

It would be better for a man to just admit that he's a disaster. Admit that he can't see the bigger picture. Admit that he was thinking only of himself. Admit that he failed to consider those he promised to always consider. Don't try to pretend that nothing wrong was really done. This is when most of us throw up in or own mouths!

If a man can have sex with a women, a human, and render her to "meaning nothing." This man is looked on as a person who has disregard for humans. Do we actually think a prostitute is a healthy woman thrilled with her life? Chances are she's a teen run away, or a drug addict, or a woman so far down on her luck, with no self esteem and respect that this is what she is deminished to doing. Servicing some guys biological urges. '

In fact, when a married man shares his body with another women, he tells his wife, she means nothing. He does not have a concern for what this will do to his wife. Men want us to understand how it's biological for them. Have men not yet heard that women read much more into it???

What he tells his spouse as to what he thinks means something? An orgasm. Something apparently, more important than other humans. Something more important than a wife. Something more important that vows and words.

How are they to trust you with their sons? Can a cheat raise a boy to respect women? Respect his own mother? Protect his sisters and his wife and children?

Can a cheat teach his daughters they are worthy, when their own mother is not for some reason?

Can a cheat be trusted to hold your heart? Do not think your biological urges will be weighted more than your scruples as a man.

Men, if you truly believe it means "nothing". Then don't commit. We women are raised to believe you are there for us with your heart and soul and all your strength. When you sit back and wonder why women have no respect for men now adays,, it's because you keep saying... It means nothing. What you are saying is YOU mean nothing. As you have NOTHING to offer. And nothing is more important than you

And yes, this I say to the cheating women out there too! I imagine it destroys today's man a bit more. We at least come forward and say sex means something. If a woman is out cheating on her husband, she's looking for something that she just can't get at home, and once caught, she'll openly admit it. He offered her "something" that her husband wouldn't or couldn't, and it wasn't an orgasm. And yes, it's just as wrong.

OP, I'm sorry to rant. Your heart must be shattered. I imagine you trusted your heart, body and nearly your soul to your husband. That he proved weak is devistating. Many people do get through this. It will take time. And it will have to be on your terms. I strongly recommend you get counceling so you may deal with it. To get past this, you will have to extend forgiveness to your husband. You will not be able to hold on tightly to this, as it will constantly rear its ugly head and prevent further growth in your marriage.

I have seen this in too many marriages. Marriages that have had major impact on my life. It's so unfair the victim must always figure out how to move forward. You must stand with a gaping wound and pray that it doesn't get ripped open again. If it's allowed to heal, it will heal. It may leave a mark, but just like with most wounds, you can recover fully. Keep in mind if your husband doesn't rip it open again, it will be up to you not to pick at scabs. It will be hard. PRAY!!!!!!! And know that it's ok to hurt, and cry, wish you weren't in this situation. God made us to be very resiliant. It's often unimaginable what we can truly endure. I understand not wanting to know what I'm truly capable of being put through.

I will pray for you and your husband.
__________________
Faithfully

...Make me a channel of your Peace... (This is the tune usually going through my head.)

Well, I could really use some but instead I'll just the day away...
  #8  
Old Apr 15, '12, 9:46 pm
Winter Warlock Winter Warlock is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

Cadance,

I am very sorry for your situation. I do know how much it hurts and no one should ever experience this. But faithfully hit it right on the mark with all of his / her comments. And it is not just men who act in this way - wives do also.

The only thing I can tell you for sure is that God loves us all. Look to Him for strength and comfort.

May God Bless and keep you always.

Winter
  #9  
Old Apr 15, '12, 10:06 pm
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defenderoftruth defenderoftruth is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

Is it me or is this like the 3rd different poster starting a thread about almost the exact same situation in the past year?

Corinne3 and this other poster forgot their name were having the exact same thing with their husband... (corinne3 and other poster were same person I think)

Husband of so many years cheats with prostitute/stripper and it's the 3rd/4th time he's done it and she just can't forgive him and asks for help?

I hope this isn't the same person... (trolling)

DoT
  #10  
Old Apr 15, '12, 11:36 pm
Ailina Ailina is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Candace View Post
I am desperatly trying to forgive my husband's infidelity with a prostitue. He was addicterd to porn. He has turned his life around, and is in a major conversion.

The problem is me, I cannot forget what he did. I cry a lot, am getting counsceling but it haunts me.

Please help with any advise
What kind of help is your husband getting for his sex addiction? I see in your other post that you said he had three affairs in the past. Is he in for counseling with a sex addictions counselor, or just an regular counselor? There is a difference, because sex addiction is very very difficult to overcome by oneself, and addicts tend to hide their relapses. He should be seeing a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) counselor. Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:

http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

My ex-husband is a sex addict, but did not want to give it up nor seek help. If your husband does want to change, that is a hopeful sign, but he needs to have the right kind of counseling in order to recover.

As for your feelings, that is different than forgiveness. Feelings are neither good nor bad, but are part of being human. You were badly hurt and it will take time to heal those hurts; emotional hurts are no less real than physical hurts. Your husband needs to understand that. Good for you for going for counseling; just understand that it takes time to process the trauma you have gone through.
  #11  
Old Apr 16, '12, 2:01 am
horselvr horselvr is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

faithfully:

Your post here is one of the better posts I have ever read on this forum. I get so tired of posts pertaining to cheating husbands as "a poor dear that is depressed" and that's why he cheated on his wife, on his whole family.

Interestingly enough, they never seem depressed when they are with the prostitute or the mistress. I mean, they are actually able to get an erection and perform. That doesn't sound like depression.

On another note corrine3 was well, let's not go there otherwise I'll be considered uncharitable instead of truthful. LOL!

OP: You have not stated how long you have been working on forgiveness but it can be a long road because along with the cheating there is a mound of lies and deceipt that goes along with it. I mean really, how does one cheat on their spouse and family, then belly up to the family dinner table, and act as though nothing has happened???

Blessings to you. Give yourself time and do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty because you may have a difficult time moving forward toward forgiveness. It takes time and you are the injured spouse.
  #12  
Old Apr 16, '12, 4:52 pm
Candace Candace is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

Thank you for all of your kind words and advise. It is very painful - we talk more than ever. but I feel like a victim, which I don't want to feel like. we had great time at the park to day just sat with the dog by the lake and talked.

I want to talk about the situation but I think he gets uncomfortable I have been so sad and weepy I really need to be strong, even if I fake it. Yesterday was the first time I lashed out in anger when I heard of the secret service agents seeing prostitutes Really became angry and said some nasty things about prostitutes that I would not normally say.

I am a devout Catholic and know I have to forgive to feel better about me. Let it go, easier said than done. He feels good about himself since he has been going thru a conversion and seeing a therapist. I am kind of mad about that to that, he feels good and I am brokenhearted.

What is wrong with me? . .
  #13  
Old Apr 16, '12, 5:40 pm
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MySoph MySoph is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Candace View Post

I am a devout Catholic and know I have to forgive to feel better about me. Let it go, easier said than done. He feels good about himself since he has been going thru a conversion and seeing a therapist. I am kind of mad about that to that, he feels good and I am brokenhearted.

What is wrong with me? . .
Nothing is wrong with you. The fact that you're mad that he now sees the light and feels good, while you're still confused and in pain is what typically happens with addictions. The person with the addiction can't see all the pain they inflicted on those closest to them. Even when they see some of it and are truly sorry for it, they still can't see all of it. It's important for you to have support and to pray to God.
  #14  
Old Apr 17, '12, 1:48 am
omidmankooauthr omidmankooauthr is offline
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Default Re: Trying to forgive husbands infidelity, resulting from addiction from porn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Candace View Post
I am desperatly trying to forgive my husband's infidelity with a prostitue. He was addicterd to porn. He has turned his life around, and is in a major conversion.

The problem is me, I cannot forget what he did. I cry a lot, am getting counsceling but it haunts me.

Please help with any advise
This will help you, as well as help him.
The reason why he like most men have continuously watched various sexual programs is because various sexual prorams are using mind manipulation. they are tricking his mind,severely impacting it. The men usually have no idea that they are being tricked, thus, they fall right into the trap. The thoughts that they have they incorrectly think that they are thinking iton their own, this the guilt comes into play as well. anyhow if you want an example of a trick they use you can either read it or watch a video of me talking about it on YOUTUBE, thus you will easily see why it impacts the mind. if you should want to have him totally understand all the tricks and how his mind works, and learn the methods for nullifying the influence of these tricks, then I woudl advise you and him to read the book i have mentioned on the website http://sagehope.wordpress.com . the video is on the website also

BASICALLY WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT HE HAS BEEN LIED TO AND MENTALLY TRICKED YOU REALLY DO NOT FIND FAULT WITH HIM, BECAUSE HE WAS UNDER A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF SEVER INFLUENCE. MEN ARE VIRTUALLY HELPLESS AGAINST IT, especially if they are honest men. why? because if they ar honets wit themselves, they admit that SOMETHING something is very potent about what they watch. and they want to know what it is? the something that has strnegth and potency to influence their mind gives the resemblance of something VERY TRUE. that is why it many men go to see and try to find out WHAT IS IT THAT IS SO VERY TRUE THAT IS ATRACTING THEM SO POWERFULLY. and they are confounded. because it is masked in mystery they do not percoeve it. well its all out now, its all shown how it works, and so men's minds need not be confused, and influenced. they will see how and why it works and how to nullify it. anyway Ive said/talked too much, so by for now.
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