Edited: On average, what's normal?

[constantconvert]

Sorry, the poll didn't print my whole question:

On average during the month how often do you and your spouse have sex during the month? (Not allowing for fertile time since some people may abstain)

The world has such a warped view of things, I'd really like to know what "normal" is, so How often do you have sex during the month?

Since I had the option for multiple choice, I thought I'd also ask about desire, and length of marriage, just to give a little extra helpful information. Hope this poll is helpful to you, I know it will be to me!

[Cat]

Back when my husband and I were first married, young, thin, healthy, beautiful, pain-free, and using ABC with no qualms of conscience (we were Protestant), we only had sex 1-4 times a month, usually closer to once a month rather than 4 times a month. And we usually had to plan for it and set up a "sex date" to be able to fit it in.

Even after my husband had a vasectomy, we only had sex a few times a month, and often, only once a month.

This was the case until our children grew up and left home, and we became infertile through menopause. Then everything heated up, but not that much. Our "record" is 15 times in one month. (After the kids left home, I had ankle surgery and was home for four months, and that gave us lots more time and no outside commitments.)

But then everything leveled off, and for several years, we have been doin' it about 1-4 times a month.

We always wished for more sex, but never had the time back when we were younger. Our children kept us so busy that often we wanted sleep more than sex. This was especially true for me, but even my husband, a very typical man with a typical man's sexual appetite, was often willing to forego sex in favor of sleep!

So I have a really hard time understanding so many threads in which couples are berating NFP and wishing they could have sex every other day instead of only five or ten days a month. How do they have the time or energy for so much sex!?! We sure didn't.

[Sarabande]

I think "normal" depends on what the couple decides together. Some couples are happy with the "norm", like once or twice a week. Others are happy with more frequent physical moments together with three, four, five + times a week. And then there are others whose "norm" is once or twice a month. Etc. Etc. So, I really don't think one can put a number on what normal is.

[Sarabande]

Originally Posted by Cat

So I have a really hard time understanding so many threads in which couples are berating NFP and wishing they could have sex every other day instead of only five or ten days a month. How do they have the time or energy for so much sex!?! We sure didn't.

NFP issues aside, I know there are people who will forgo sleep for sexual intimacy and will somehow summon the energy... both men and women. I currently have a two-week old little guy and a two-year-old in the house. If I didn't have a c-section and was not allowed physical intimacy for 6 weeks, I'd be ready to go at least every other day even though I am getting very little sleep at night at the moment. I was like this after my first child as well and even more so while I was pregnant up until the very end.

Again, though, I don't believe there is a "normal" set to fit every couple. What is normal for my husband and I should not be used as a standard norm for other couples.

[TheRealJuliane]

Normal for me: maybe once a week. Not because I desire it, but because I know that it's the minimum hubby can deal with.

Normal for hubby: Once a day, at least.

We will be married 23 years soon. His sexual appetite has not changed. Mine has come and gone. We contracepted for years. It made things easier in some ways but worse in others. I'm no longer fertile but also a LOT less interested in sex. Chemically, the hormones are just not there. Mentally, I find lust to be really off-putting. And spiritually, I feel guilty that so much of my life has been wasted with lust masquerading as true intimacy.

Also, for years, we did whatever we wanted to and I never thought about it being a sin. I've had to talk about that and we had to alter our sexual practices accordingly which has been EXTREMELY uncomfortable and shame-filled.

[constantconvert]

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

Normal for me: maybe once a week. Not because I desire it, but because I know that it's the minimum hubby can deal with.

Normal for hubby: Once a day, at least.

We will be married 23 years soon. His sexual appetite has not changed. Mine has come and gone. We contracepted for years. It made things easier in some ways but worse in others. I'm no longer fertile but also a LOT less interested in sex. Chemically, the hormones are just not there. Mentally, I find lust to be really off-putting. And spiritually, I feel guilty that so much of my life has been wasted with lust masquerading as true intimacy.

Also, for years, we did whatever we wanted to and I never thought about it being a sin. I've had to talk about that and we had to alter our sexual practices accordingly which has been EXTREMELY uncomfortable and shame-filled.

What did you do (if you can mention it on a public forum) to move away from lust and move toward true intimacy?

[BlueEyedLady]

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

Normal for me: maybe once a week. Not because I desire it, but because I know that it's the minimum hubby can deal with.

Normal for hubby: Once a day, at least.

We will be married 23 years soon. His sexual appetite has not changed. Mine has come and gone. We contracepted for years. It made things easier in some ways but worse in others. I'm no longer fertile but also a LOT less interested in sex. Chemically, the hormones are just not there. Mentally, I find lust to be really off-putting. And spiritually, I feel guilty that so much of my life has been wasted with lust masquerading as true intimacy.

Also, for years, we did whatever we wanted to and I never thought about it being a sin. I've had to talk about that and we had to alter our sexual practices accordingly which has been EXTREMELY uncomfortable and shame-filled.

Your whole post made me very sad. Have you thought about talking to a doctor and/or a therapist? It is very sad to not want your husband, especially since after 23 years he's still hot for you.

Also, you say that you don't want him because lust is off-putting mentally. There is a world of difference between sexually desiring your husband and lust.

[TheRealJuliane]

Originally Posted by constantconvert

What did you do (if you can mention it on a public forum) to move away from lust and move toward true intimacy?

Well, I can say first of all, that since I was sexually active since age 15, and my first exposure to porn by age 11 or 12 - I knew nothing about chastity whatsoever. I wanted love and traded sex for what I thought might be love. Except the people that I shared my body with DIDN'T love me and I knew that on a fairly conscious level. I just couldn't see any other way to be. I was on my own at age 18 with no sexual education from my father. My sister got me on birth control at age 15 (which was illegal at the time, I had to pretend to be 18!). I used to cut school to go to my "boyfriend's" house to service him. Was that love? We never went anywhere, he never asked me out. Why would he need to?

(I had not been to church since the age of 10 when my mother died. My convert father never went back and that was the end of any religious instruction as well. I never thought of myself as Catholic the whole time I was growing up.)

So fast forward about 6 years...a few relationships later...This was the 1980's if that gives you any perspective. Let's say the way I was living was not uncommon at the time, at least not for secular young people.

I masturbated and fantasized extensively. I didn't think there was anything particularly wrong with that, at the time. Now I understand the ramifications of that, and the early exposure to porn. It's been hard to stop, especially the fantasizing. I've made progress lately, simply staying present and not watching a movie in my head.

I don't know how it is with my husband, but I feel as though his approach to sex is more lust than intimacy. He doesn't understand my perspective at all. Not at all.

[Moore11]

Originally Posted by Cat

Back when my husband and I were first married, young, thin, healthy, beautiful, pain-free, and using ABC with no qualms of conscience (we were Protestant), we only had sex 1-4 times a month, usually closer to once a month rather than 4 times a month. And we usually had to plan for it and set up a "sex date" to be able to fit it in.

Even after my husband had a vasectomy, we only had sex a few times a month, and often, only once a month.

This was the case until our children grew up and left home, and we became infertile through menopause. Then everything heated up, but not that much. Our "record" is 15 times in one month. (After the kids left home, I had ankle surgery and was home for four months, and that gave us lots more time and no outside commitments.)

But then everything leveled off, and for several years, we have been doin' it about 1-4 times a month.

We always wished for more sex, but never had the time back when we were younger. Our children kept us so busy that often we wanted sleep more than sex. This was especially true for me, but even my husband, a very typical man with a typical man's sexual appetite, was often willing to forego sex in favor of sleep!

So I have a really hard time understanding so many threads in which couples are berating NFP and wishing they could have sex every other day instead of only five or ten days a month. How do they have the time or energy for so much sex!?! We sure didn't.

I am kind of confused myself but I am confused the other way around. How hard is it to have sex? Why is it something that some feel the need to schedule once a month like a chore? An hour? 5 minutes? anybody can make the effort. We go to the gym, store, watch tv but cant find time for sex? I've never understood that. Kids waiting in the car, on way to Mass, 5 minute quickie? easy as pie.
But again I understand everyone is different. We average about every other day but I could go for everyday. I think most of it is just having schedules sync up. But let me tell you it is worth it to be a little late for work because you made breakfast and whoopie.
Anyway, I hope that isnt too risque.

[Moore11]

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

Well, I can say first of all, that since I was sexually active since age 15, and my first exposure to porn by age 11 or 12 - I knew nothing about chastity whatsoever. I wanted love and traded sex for what I thought might be love. Except the people that I shared my body with DIDN'T love me and I knew that on a fairly conscious level. I just couldn't see any other way to be. I was on my own at age 18 with no sexual education from my father. My sister got me on birth control at age 15 (which was illegal at the time, I had to pretend to be 18!). I used to cut school to go to my "boyfriend's" house to service him. Was that love? We never went anywhere, he never asked me out. Why would he need to?

(I had not been to church since the age of 10 when my mother died. My convert father never went back and that was the end of any religious instruction as well. I never thought of myself as Catholic the whole time I was growing up.)

So fast forward about 6 years...a few relationships later...This was the 1980's if that gives you any perspective. Let's say the way I was living was not uncommon at the time, at least not for secular young people.

I masturbated and fantasized extensively. I didn't think there was anything particularly wrong with that, at the time. Now I understand the ramifications of that, and the early exposure to porn. It's been hard to stop, especially the fantasizing. I've made progress lately, simply staying present and not watching a movie in my head.

I don't know how it is with my husband, but I feel as though his approach to sex is more lust than intimacy. He doesn't understand my perspective at all. Not at all.

Wow, that is a powerful story. Thanks for sharing. It gives me pause and makes me look at this a little differently.

[BlueEyedLady]

Originally Posted by Moore11

I am kind of confused myself but I am confused the other way around. How hard is it to have sex? Why is it something that some feel the need to schedule once a month like a chore? An hour? 5 minutes? anybody can make the effort. We go to the gym, store, watch tv but cant find time for sex? I've never understood that. Kids waiting in the car, on way to Mass, 5 minute quickie? easy as pie.
But again I understand everyone is different. We average about every other day but I could go for everyday. I think most of it is just having schedules sync up. But let me tell you it is worth it to be a little late for work because you made breakfast and whoopie.
Anyway, I hope that isnt too risque.

It is so important to make time. I never understood the "don't have time" thing either.

[TheRealJuliane]

Originally Posted by Moore11

Wow, that is a powerful story. Thanks for sharing. It gives me pause and makes me look at this a little differently.

There's a lot more but I can't really say everything on a public forum.



That's just the basics. If I live to be 150, I will be working on freeing myself from guilt and shame until the day I die.

[Luna Lovecraft]

Originally Posted by constantconvert

Hope this poll is helpful to you, I know it will be to me!

Why are you interested in knowing how frequently I have sex with my husband?

Luna

[constantconvert]

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

I've made progress lately, simply staying present and not watching a movie in my head.

I don't know how it is with my husband, but I feel as though his approach to sex is more lust than intimacy. He doesn't understand my perspective at all. Not at all.

Yeah, this has been a problem for us, and it sounds like we're about the same age/ length of marriage. I am going to work up the nerve to talk to my husband about this, because sometimes I don't feel like he's really "there." I gave up having a climax because I can't without fantasizing, but I'd rather be present even if it doesn't lead to that.

I don't know whether he would be able to climax without it either, and I know he wouldn't be willing to give it up because to him that is the point of sex.

[TheRealJuliane]

Originally Posted by constantconvert

Yeah, this has been a problem for us, and it sounds like we're about the same age/ length of marriage. I am going to work up the nerve to talk to my husband about this, because sometimes I don't feel like he's really "there." I gave up having a climax because I can't without fantasizing, but I'd rather be present even if it doesn't lead to that.

I don't know whether he would be able to climax without it either, and I know he wouldn't be willing to give it up because to him that is the point of sex.

Yes. It's like, "Who am I *really* having sex with? My husband, or whatever fantasy I'm entertaining?" And I wonder if he is the same. We don't talk about fantasies, so I don't really know what is going on in his head, but I think I can tell, sometimes. There is a sort of distance there, hard to explain but I take it you know what I mean. Like we are just stand-ins for the real actors in our heads.

I wish I knew what truly "holy sex" could be like. I'm sure I will never know. All of that was ruined very early in my life. At least I've stopped the impurity and am stopping the fantasy life.