Need Advice- Asking about a man's divorce - Page 2

Irishmom2 · #16 May 12, '12, 11:29 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopeful01

Just an update...

I attempted to pen the topic today on our Skype conversation. I asked about previous relationships... when he first started dating... his longest relationship... why it broke up... but he didn't mention being married before...

I wonder if there was something wrong with how I asked and opened up about my own relationships or if he's ashamed to talk about it or whatever...

Any opinions are welcome...

Hmmm...well so you are still in the same boat. Perhaps you were too subtle, but he may just be keeping it to himself. Would any of your mutual friends know anything?

Luna Lovecraft · #17 May 12, '12, 4:28 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopeful01

Just an update...

I attempted to pen the topic today on our Skype conversation. I asked about previous relationships... when he first started dating... his longest relationship... why it broke up... but he didn't mention being married before...

I wonder if there was something wrong with how I asked and opened up about my own relationships or if he's ashamed to talk about it or whatever...

Any opinions are welcome...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luna Lovecraft

Ask him. As in, "Bob, have you been married before?"

So, did you ask him if he's been married before? It's a yes/no question. Sometimes people appreciate straightforwardness over roundabout questions about intentions, discernment, the future, etc.

Luna

hopeful01 · #18 May 12, '12, 10:50 pm

@Irishmom: Our mutual friends met him a few months before I did and based on the newspaper announcements I saw online, his divorce became final 2 years ago. So I'm not sure if our common friends know the details.

@Luna: I think I may have to go the direct question route. We talked over Skype a few hours ago but I was at work (and a bit distracted). But later on, I will be home it will be his day off so I think I may be able to manage a straight forward conversation with him....

joanofarc2008 · #19 May 13, '12, 5:43 am

There is a chance the online information was wrong especially if he has a common name. I think you should just come out and ask if he has ever been married before. Tell him it is important to your faith.

tarboy · #20 May 13, '12, 10:15 am

hopeful
I personally don't think most guys would lie about being divorced. While a painful event, it is too common in society today and doesn't need to be hidden. Guys are much more likely to lie about whether they are currently married

If it came up in a google search, then you could tell him he was googled and 'his doppelganger' is divorced, sending him the link. Make it more of a joke. Be cautious though, you don't want him to believe you don't trust him. It is completely normal to google people you are dating though, nothing to hide there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopeful01

Just an update...

I attempted to pen the topic today on our Skype conversation. I asked about previous relationships... when he first started dating... his longest relationship... why it broke up... but he didn't mention being married before...

I wonder if there was something wrong with how I asked and opened up about my own relationships or if he's ashamed to talk about it or whatever...

Any opinions are welcome...

hopeful01 · #21 May 13, '12, 9:26 pm

@tarboy; Thank you for your insight. We do have some skype-ing time set for tomorrow morning (my morning, his evening) and I have mentioned googling him. We didn't have much time to talk today (sadly) since I had some errands to run and it was way beyond his bedtime when I got home. We managed to pray the Divine Mercy chaplet together over Skype though so it wasn't a loss.

Luvz2travel · #22 May 14, '12, 8:21 am

Why not just ask him. It's not considered a very personal question anymore as everyone seems to ask it. I would steer clear if he has no annulment though.

hopeful01 · #23 Jun 7, '12, 1:29 am

An update...

I think God knows that I was too much of a coward to ask.

Today, during our Skype conversation, the guy I talked about opened up to me and said that before we met up in Chicago, there was something he needed to tell me that he was embarrassed about. He said that he had been previously married. I said, I know. So he asked if our mutual friend mentioned it. I said, no. He said, "google?". I said yes. He said he was ashamed because it felt like something he had failed at.

He then went on to explain that the marriage had already been annulled and how it was a long process (almost a year, I think) and the expense it entailed.

He then talked about how great it was that we got to pray together (we prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet before he went to sleep).

Is ti bad that I feel relieved that his marriage was annulled? I do feel thankful that I am not attracted to someone who is married in the eyes of the church...

mamaslo · #24 Jun 7, '12, 4:22 am

No that is not bad. It is good. It would be good for him to tell you more though so you can make better decisions. He is still your brother, so he deserves respect, but at the same time, so do you. He sounds like he is open to share, just hurt.

Ask him if he has been to counselling, etc. to find out why he is divorced. Instead of just blaming himself for failure, doing something to fix what he can fix or grow from it. Trust me, it will matter at some point, if he did not address it.

But annulment...that is good. That means (if it was a church decree of nullity) then He is possibly free to marry.

TheRealJuliane · #25 Jun 7, '12, 7:08 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamaslo

No that is not bad. It is good. It would be good for him to tell you more though so you can make better decisions. He is still your brother, so he deserves respect, but at the same time, so do you. He sounds like he is open to share, just hurt.

Ask him if he has been to counselling, etc. to find out why he is divorced. Instead of just blaming himself for failure, doing something to fix what he can fix or grow from it. Trust me, it will matter at some point, if he did not address it.

But annulment...that is good. That means (if it was a church decree of nullity) then He is possibly free to marry.

I agree, it is now open for more discussion. He said he is embarrassed about it, so he must feel it was a bad decision. I'd get into it a little deeper going forward. You need to know what happened. And if he doesn't want to talk about it, that's a red flag too.

Oh Charlotte · #26 Jun 7, '12, 11:57 am

Hopeful01, your budding relationship sounds hopeful.

It sounds like it is just like he said, a failed marraige does make one feel a bit of a failure; those of us of good will go in intending for it to be forever, and when it doesn't turn out like we planned, it doesn't feel so great. It sounds like he was just waiting for the right time to open up about it. Your broaching the subject by asking about past relationships help him realize it was time to talk. He apparently wasn't ready to face the heavy topic at the moment when you asked him, but it gave made him realize he needed to talk about it now, so he did. That the relationship was annulled is great news - it means he cares enough about the Church to go through that. I would patiently give him time to tell you about it. Certainly if you begin to talk marraige, it would be a time to discuss what happened to his first attempt.

I am in a hopeful budding romance myself, with a faithful Catholic man.

hopeful01 · #27 Jun 8, '12, 12:40 am

Thank you everyone for your insights.... I will keep them in mind. I fly to Chicago tomorrow early morning and I will meet up with him Sunday. We plan to go and drive down to the Shrine at Wisconsin.

We do have a lot of things to talk about.... And I think during the drive from Chicago to Wisconsin (3.5 hours each way), we might have that chance.

Irishmom2 · #28 Jun 8, '12, 4:26 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopeful01

Thank you everyone for your insights.... I will keep them in mind. I fly to Chicago tomorrow early morning and I will meet up with him Sunday. We plan to go and drive down to the Shrine at Wisconsin.

We do have a lot of things to talk about.... And I think during the drive from Chicago to Wisconsin (3.5 hours each way), we might have that chance.

I hope that you have a wonderful time on your trip, and that you will be able to leave your worries behind and get some relaxation in.

Lord, I ask that you will keep hopeful safe on her flight and in her travels, and that her time in Chicago will be one of rest and discovery for her and her special friend. May they share the stories of their lives and learn all that they desire in their time together. May this be a time to discern how they want this relationship to move forward if that is their desire. I ask this through the intercession of Your Most Holy Mother, Mary.

hopeful01 · #29 Jun 8, '12, 7:49 am

Thank you very much, Irishmom2!

Irishmom2 · #30 Jun 9, '12, 8:43 am

Lord, I ask that you will keep hopeful safe on her flight and in her travels, and that her time in Chicago will be one of rest and discovery for her and her special friend. May they share the stories of their lives and learn all that they desire in their time together. May this be a time to discern how they want this relationship to move forward if that is their desire. I ask this through the intercession of Your Most Holy Mother, Mary.