I would be more "open to life" if I could get my tubes tied!

LaSainte · #1 May 11, '12, 7:42 pm

Ironically, this is true. I have 2 boys under 3. I am 35. I would like to try for a girl, but I know myself, and 3 is my absolute MAX. As it is, I am utterly exhausted. The thing is, if I try for a girl and get pregnant, then what if NFP fails after that? I can't risk it. The only thing I can do is practice NFP from now until I am no longer fertile. That way, if I get pregnant, it won't be a disaster. So assuming NFP works as well as the people on here claim, I will have only 2 kids, whereas if I could just have one more and then have my tunes tied, I would probably do that. I just cannot risk having 4, so I will probably end up with only 2 instead of the 3 I would actually like. Ironic isn't it?

LucyLight · #2 May 11, '12, 8:15 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaSainte

Ironically, this is true. I have 2 boys under 3. I am 35. I would like to try for a girl, but I know myself, and 3 is my absolute MAX. As it is, I am utterly exhausted. The thing is, if I try for a girl and get pregnant, then what if NFP fails after that? I can't risk it. The only thing I can do is practice NFP from now until I am no longer fertile. That way, if I get pregnant, it won't be a disaster. So assuming NFP works as well as the people on here claim, I will have only 2 kids, whereas if I could just have one more and then have my tunes tied, I would probably do that. I just cannot risk having 4, so I will probably end up with only 2 instead of the 3 I would actually like. Ironic isn't it?

Just go for the girl

NFP really does work some of the methods are "safer" than others. If you stick to phase 3 only its almost impossible to get pregnant. You also might have to abstain more postpartum to be safe. I know its stressful it took me a while to trust the method.

Ancient1 · #3 May 11, '12, 8:46 pm

I'm wondering what is this magic number 3 and you "just cannot risk" having 4. By the time you had #4, most likely the little guys now would be in school every day and outside playing every afternoon. You have decided 3 is OK but 4 is...?....what? Too stressful? A health risk? You're too old? I just don't get the logic of your entire post.

Melchior_ · #4 May 11, '12, 8:50 pm

So you get your tubes tied. What happens if you get pregnant then? It happened to my mother, actually. And if she waited another five minutes to go to the hospital, she would have died on the table due to her tube breaking.

Ectopic pregnancy.

You can still get knocked up after your tubes getting tied. What do you do after that if you conceive a child?

jilly4ski · #5 May 11, '12, 8:54 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaSainte

Ironically, this is true. I have 2 boys under 3. I am 35. I would like to try for a girl, but I know myself, and 3 is my absolute MAX. As it is, I am utterly exhausted. The thing is, if I try for a girl and get pregnant, then what if NFP fails after that? I can't risk it. The only thing I can do is practice NFP from now until I am no longer fertile. That way, if I get pregnant, it won't be a disaster. So assuming NFP works as well as the people on here claim, I will have only 2 kids, whereas if I could just have one more and then have my tunes tied, I would probably do that. I just cannot risk having 4, so I will probably end up with only 2 instead of the 3 I would actually like. Ironic isn't it?

???

I think you are misunderstanding "open to life." The way the church uses it, it is not your general attitude towards having kids or how many kids you have, but rather lovingly accepting children from God. In essence it means that each and every marital act must be "open to life." As in you put nothing in the way.

I understand that sometimes we feel stretched to the limit. But your post made me a little uncomfortable. What if you try for your girl (planning on getting your tubes tied after) and you get another boy? Cannot risk 4, what happens if you have twins while trying for a girl and then getting your tubes tied?

I am having my third in a month or so, so you can take my advise with whatever amount of salt you choose, but if you really don't think you can have 4 kids, don't you think that will be a good enough motivator to avoid and to practice NFP very conservatively? I have 2 boys 3 and under (with a little girl on the way in June and then I will have 3 kids 3 and under). We are taking them one at a time, we just don't end up with 3 or 4 kids. I understand that at 35 you have more limited time, so maybe can't space them out as much as you would maybe prefer? But maybe you can wait until your youngest is closer to 3 and toilet trained and your oldest is starting school before you try for a third. By the time you do this you should be pretty good with NFP, and won't have to worry about it, unless you decide to try for a fourth. Remember, it takes 9 months for the baby to come, and you don't always get pregnant the first cycles of trying.

Rence · #6 May 11, '12, 9:01 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ancient1

I'm wondering what is this magic number 3 and you "just cannot risk" having 4. By the time you had #4, most likely the little guys now would be in school every day and outside playing every afternoon. You have decided 3 is OK but 4 is...?....what? Too stressful? A health risk? You're too old? I just don't get the logic of your entire post.

I do. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. Everyone is different.

LaSainte · #7 May 12, '12, 4:50 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by LucyLight

Just go for the girl

NFP really does work some of the methods are "safer" than others. If you stick to phase 3 only its almost impossible to get pregnant. You also might have to abstain more postpartum to be safe. I know its stressful it took me a while to trust the method.

That's my problem. I don't trust it. Scares me to death!

LaSainte · #8 May 12, '12, 4:52 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ancient1

I'm wondering what is this magic number 3 and you "just cannot risk" having 4. By the time you had #4, most likely the little guys now would be in school every day and outside playing every afternoon. You have decided 3 is OK but 4 is...?....what? Too stressful? A health risk? You're too old? I just don't get the logic of your entire post.

Too stressful, WAY too expensive, getting too old, don't want to be in a walker when my kids are finally out of the house, want to be able to send my kids to college...

LaSainte · #9 May 12, '12, 4:53 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Melchior_

So you get your tubes tied. What happens if you get pregnant then? It happened to my mother, actually. And if she waited another five minutes to go to the hospital, she would have died on the table due to her tube breaking.

Ectopic pregnancy.

You can still get knocked up after your tubes getting tied. What do you do after that if you conceive a child?

If I get pregnant after having my tubes tied, I shall buy a lottery ticket.

LaSainte · #10 May 12, '12, 5:07 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by jilly4ski

???

I think you are misunderstanding "open to life." The way the church uses it, it is not your general attitude towards having kids or how many kids you have, but rather lovingly accepting children from God. In essence it means that each and every marital act must be "open to life." As in you put nothing in the way.

I understand that sometimes we feel stretched to the limit. But your post made me a little uncomfortable. What if you try for your girl (planning on getting your tubes tied after) and you get another boy? Cannot risk 4, what happens if you have twins while trying for a girl and then getting your tubes tied?

I am having my third in a month or so, so you can take my advise with whatever amount of salt you choose, but if you really don't think you can have 4 kids, don't you think that will be a good enough motivator to avoid and to practice NFP very conservatively? I have 2 boys 3 and under (with a little girl on the way in June and then I will have 3 kids 3 and under). We are taking them one at a time, we just don't end up with 3 or 4 kids. I understand that at 35 you have more limited time, so maybe can't space them out as much as you would maybe prefer? But maybe you can wait until your youngest is closer to 3 and toilet trained and your oldest is starting school before you try for a third. By the time you do this you should be pretty good with NFP, and won't have to worry about it, unless you decide to try for a fourth. Remember, it takes 9 months for the baby to come, and you don't always get pregnant the first cycles of trying.

If I were to get pregnant with another girl or a boy, I would do the same thing I did when I had my first 2 boys but really wanted a girl-love the heck out of them. I would be miserable with 4. Trust me, I know myself. Right now, I haven't slept through the night in 3 years and I can barely get out of bed every day. I am wiped out.

This is why there can be no trying for a 3rd-if I have 4, it will be way too many for me to handle, physically, emotionally, financially.

Not to mention that my husband would be devastated. He doesn't believe in the mandate against birth control and goes along wih it (very reluctantly, very nervously) for my sake. He wanted me to get my tubes tied after 2! If we have another, he will almost certainly get a vasectomy if I don't get my tunes tied during the c-section, and I honestly don't want either of us to be tempted to do that because I'm not sure we could resist it. It is simply not fair to my husband to put his happiness at risk like that over something he doesn't even believe in.

He is an amazing father and a great provider, but some people (myself included) just don't want a whole brood and that should be o.k.

No biggie, we will just try and stick with the 2 we have. I just thought it was ironic that there would probably be one more little soul in the world if I DIDN'T follow the Catholic method. Go figure!

LaSainte · #11 May 12, '12, 5:09 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rence

I do. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. Everyone is different.

Gosh thank you! I was starting to feel like a freak!

Sillara · #12 May 12, '12, 5:53 am

I used to be a Protestant. I, too, thought I was "done" after three children.

But then I came to the Church. Actually, much of what drew me to Her was Her least popular teachings, the indissolubility of marriage and the intrinsic evil of contraception. I knew that until fairly recently (Lambeth Conference) the teaching on the evil of contraception had been universal among all Christians. When we converted, we knew what it would mean.

I was in your boat in that I was tired, exhausted, wanting to do other things, not wanting to be "too old" when my children were grown. But I acknowledged that the Church knew better than I did. We did not have, at that time, sufficiently "grave" reasons not to have children.

We now have six children. It's easier now than it was back when I had two or three. My others are bigger, older, and able to help.

We are not likely to have any more, but if we do, then we do. If it becomes too dangerous for us to have any more (which is possible, given my medical history, which I won't go into here), then we will deal with it as it comes.

What I can deal with now is not what I could have dealt with back when I had only 2-3 children. As the children come, my ability to handle them comes, too.

gardenswithkids · #13 May 12, '12, 6:08 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaSainte

...Not to mention that my husband would be devastated. He doesn't believe in the mandate against birth control and goes along wih it (very reluctantly, very nervously) for my sake. He wanted me to get my tubes tied after 2! If we have another, he will almost certainly get a vasectomy if I don't get my tunes tied during the c-section, and I honestly don't want either of us to be tempted to do that because I'm not sure we could resist it. It is simply not fair to my husband to put his happiness at risk like that over something he doesn't even believe in.

He is an amazing father and a great provider, but ...

This is what I find ironic: embracing a new baby while rejecting fertility.

I suspect you'd be more open to life if your husband was more open to life.

Thank you for resisting his pressure to get your tubes tied. It's natural for a wife to want to please her husband, but what he asked you to do was wrong. You did the right thing.

Having your tubes tied or your husband's private parts snipped apart while embracing your new baby would have been rejecting the very gift (fertility) that brought you that new life. I'm always slightly amazed that they push contraception and sterilization so hard in hospital maternity wards. It's like they're saying, "Congratulations--and now let's make sure that never happens again. We don't like repeat customers, and we don't think your baby is really all that cute so don't have more. Snip!

"

I'm sure your existing children are very cute.

I pray that you and your husband have strength to embrace your children and your fertility. You're doing okay. Keep it up the hard work!

LaSainte · #14 May 12, '12, 7:13 am

This is so funny because as baffling as you find MY perspective, I find yours equally so. The idea that being open to one or 2 or even 3 children should mean that I am open to 4, 5, 6, 7 children doesn't follow for me. I am open to having one husband, one dog, one rack of baby back ribs, 2 feet, etc. I simply don't want or need any more of these things. Having more than one husband or dog or more than 2 feet, while a seemingly good idea to some people, is really not my thing. You say that about having more than x number of kids and Catholics look at you like you're the devil.

TheRealJuliane · #15 May 12, '12, 7:51 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaSainte

This is so funny because as baffling as you find MY perspective, I find yours equally so. The idea that being open to one or 2 or even 3 children should mean that I am open to 4, 5, 6, 7 children doesn't follow for me. I am open to having one husband, one dog, one rack of baby back ribs, 2 feet, etc. I simply don't want or need any more of these things. Having more than one husband or dog or more than 2 feet, while a seemingly good idea to some people, is really not my thing. You say that about having more than x number of kids and Catholics look at you like you're the devil.

God did not tell us to have as many husbands as He will grant us! He did tell us to be fruitful and multiply, and I want to know where He ever rescinded that command.

"It's not my thing." Is that what God ever asks of us? "Sorry, God, worshiping you just isn't my thing." "Sorry, God, being grateful for Your blessings just isn't my thing." "Nope, God, taking care of the widows and orphans - not my thing."