First Communion next year/ Very NON CATHOLIC half of family... - Page 2

kmuestwin · #16 May 14, '12, 1:24 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfully

My boys are on target for their first communion NEXT year. No problems there.

My in laws have, over the last couple of years, made it more and more known to me just how anti-Catholic they are. Mostly with jaw dropping announcements of how things REALLY are. Mary wasn't a virgin, there's no way just ONE church is right, etc. Clearly based on crazy "sources" of authority.

I'm not looking to convert anyone. And I'm all inclusive. They will get an invite of course as many of our non Catholic friends to attend this special event, and probably celebration afterwards. I'm not worried about instructing on the dos and dont's of communion participation.

I'm wondering. Is it worth it, to have little discussions through out the year, (I'm really thinking in terms of educating DH, also a non Catholic, but supportive of Catholic upbringing) to help with comprehension. WHY we do this. What we're doing. Do I just share the handouts the kids get? I would want to keep it very light. Hey, here's what the kids learned this week.

I'm thinking in terms of things my in laws are NOT to "correct" in their opinion. It's been made clear to DH (who is supposed to be making it clear to his parents as per arrangements) that I don't want to HAVE to explain to our children their grandparents don't know what they are talking about, and are wrong. They are good people. I don't want their seniority, authority lost over that sort of thing. So unnecessary.

They travel a lot so I'm thinking of reminding them to prepare for it on their calendar next year. Maybe asking if they'd like to learn a little bit about it along the way?

IDEAS??? INPUT? Let it go? Seemed like a gentle way to share our faith.

Thanks!

Are the grandparents close to home or would they have to travel to come to the first communion?

If they are near, a good idea would be to get a babysitter and go out to dinner with them and your husband. That way, you can personally invite them and then you can field any questions or comments. Also, if they have never been to a Catholic Church, assure them that they can sit next to you so that if they would know when to sit and stand. That in in itself can be a terrifying thing to non-Catholics.

At the dinner, approach any negative comments that they give with an open mind and explain things with words like "Catholics believe" or "The Church teaches" that way it separates any percieved confrontation from the personal level and makes them feel like its a larger, more philosophical discussion. When you say "I think" or "I believe" the conversation could take on a more emotional undertone as opposed to remaining emotionally neutral.

You don't want to put all of the pressure of talking to your in-laws on your husband. This puts a rift between a son and his parents and it puts strain on your marriage. Have this discussion as a couple. You need to act as a team so there is no question that this was a joint decison.

You need to have a respectful dialogue going with your husbands parents. Don't make a religious dispute into an us (you and your children) vs. them (your husband and his parents) fight. Also, don't try and actively convert your husband. That is inappropriate and will cause him problems as well. When he wants to learn, and eventually he will, he will ask or he will start researching for himself. The best means for you to gain his conversion is to pray for him.

In this and in many problems within families, the best way to respond to any animosity is with more love. His parents aren't being mean or rude, they just don't know any better. Love them, pray for them, talk to them, listen to them, and tolerate them.

faithfully · #17 May 14, '12, 1:43 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by kmuestwin

Are the grandparents close to home or would they have to travel to come to the first communion?

If they are near, a good idea would be to get a babysitter and go out to dinner with them and your husband. That way, you can personally invite them and then you can field any questions or comments. Also, if they have never been to a Catholic Church, assure them that they can sit next to you so that if they would know when to sit and stand. That in in itself can be a terrifying thing to non-Catholics.

Long distance. They have been to our Church Wedding, and baptism of said children. Very little terrifies them. I've shown them the missle, and they can read the directions. All is well there.

[quote=kmuestwin;9297890]At the dinner, approach any negative comments that they [quote=kmuestwin;9297890with an open mind and explain things with words like "Catholics believe" or "The Church teaches" that way it separates any percieved confrontation from the personal level and makes them feel like its a larger, more philosophical discussion. When you say "I think" or "I believe" the conversation could take on a more emotional undertone as opposed to remaining emotionally neutral.[/QUOTE] Sound advise. I do this already. Yay!

[quote=kmuestwin;9297890]You don't want to put all of the pressure of talking to your in-laws on your husband. This puts a rift between a son and his parents and it puts strain on your marriage. Have this discussion as a couple. You need to act as a team so there is no question that this was a joint decison.

You need to have a respectful dialogue going with your husbands parents. Don't make a religious dispute into an us (you and your children) vs. them (your husband and his parents) fight.[/AUOTE] Probably valid for most people. There is no us vs. them IMO. However, there have been some situations in which things did not go well. This was actually a THEM attacking me. I don't deal well under those circumstances. I actually had a HUGE long post here over a year ago over one major situation. The group here helped me cope with that quite well!!!!

[quote=kmuestwin;9297890Also, don't try and actively convert your husband. That is inappropriate and will cause him problems as well. When he wants to learn, and eventually he will, he will ask or he will start researching for himself. The best means for you to gain his conversion is to pray for him.[/QUOTE]

Also agreed. I don't try to convert. But I do teach. We have children. So he needs to have some understanding. I have no requirements that he agree. The only thing I ask of him is to be supportive as he promised he would. He holds up his end of the bargain.

[quote=kmuestwin;9297890In this and in many problems within families, the best way to respond to any animosity is with more love. His parents aren't being mean or rude, they just don't know any better. Love them, pray for them, talk to them, listen to them, and tolerate them.[/QUOTE] With the exception that occassionaly his parents DO mean to be rude, I agree with the rest. You'd have to hear more of the things I've heard. But I'd rather not dwell. I think I have a pretty good strategy for that kind of behavior now adays. And it seems to work. Main issue at the moment, just making sure they don't undermine this very sensitive education. And perhaps it won't be an issue at all. Just want to be as prepared as possible. And perhaps go at this PROACTIVELY, as opposed to REactively.

Luna Lovecraft · #18 May 14, '12, 1:53 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfully

Not really looking for a gain from the in laws. Mostly, just to show them what the boys are doing so they can sound educated, and not contradictory.

It seems to me that it's not that your in-laws don't know what the Church teaches, but that they know (or think they know) what She teaches and reject it. I highly doubt showing them your son's First Communion work is going to peel the scales from their eyes. More likely it's going to give them another avenue to take digs at Catholicism.

If I were in this situation, I'd let all of this go.

Luna

kmuestwin · #19 May 14, '12, 2:21 pm

It sounds like you are working very hard to include a difficult extended family.

Don't be discouraged because at the very least, this is making you stronger in your faith and more ready to raise your kids with a very strong and well tested faith. Keep up the good fight and remember to love them no matter how rude they are to you.

I'll be praying for you.

SwizzleStick · #20 May 14, '12, 2:55 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfully

MIL raised with as best as I can describe "something greater than us", no organized religion. FIL raised protestant or the like. HATES organized religion with a passion. Seems to believe in God, but that no one on this earth has a clue what they are talking about. Especially such a huge organization as the Catholic church. We're arrogant in his eye's mind. The only time I even engage is when they try to school ME in MY church. My response is usually "wow, even my very educated priest doesn't seem to claim to know as much as you about our church. How did you get so knowledgable about our church without even so much as cracking one of our books?" Well, not AS Direct. But pretty close. Cue the eye rolls.

No, my premise is really: This is how we do this. This is how we do that. This is what WE believe. Don't really care what you believe, as it will NEVER be practiced within our household.

Again, I'm not appreciated much. Go figure! LOL!

THAT SAID. They aren't hostile or anything. But it's never a cozy conversation when religion comes up. Well, ONCE we had what seemed to be a good, non confrontational conversation. But then later, it turns out we didn't. I guess I wasn't there.

Considering the above, my bolding, I think that I would just concentrate on teaching my children the Faith and try to avoid discussing religion at all with the in-laws.

SwizzleStick · #21 May 14, '12, 3:10 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfully

Our Church is HUGE! We are in the CCD program, and it's my understanding the CCD children have a service Sat. Night. (I don't have all the info). Likely to only be about 30 children. If each family had 10-20 guests, we'd still be able to handle it is my guess. But now I'm gonna, just for the heck of it, check the max # of people. ...

Okay, I see. If your church is huge and with that few children, seating may not be an issue. I do know that when my youngest made his First Communion last year, my son and my husband and I had reserved seats and that was crowded. My two older children were on their own to find seating, along with other relatives who decided to come to the Mass.

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfully

...It's not like I'll be inviting a huge group of non Catholics. Although, there are some non Catholics married to the Catholics, and of course they are welcome. ...

Got it, thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfully

...No, I don't think most people expect to be invited. Just those within our inner circle. It's important to us, so it's important to them. So that's 2 parents + 4 grandparents + 2 Aunts + 1 BIL + God Father and wife + maybe 3 very close friends = 14. That's as big as this party gets! Well, plus my 2 boys! = 16.

Well, things change all the time, so I wondered if expectations had changed or if mine are just different than other folks'. Sounds like they are pretty similar in this.

I just thought of an example when expectations differ. With high school graduation, my husband's family all goes to the actual graduation ceremony, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., whereas in my family, just the nuclear family attends graduation. When his nephew graduated, he thought we should go, where my first thought was that only nephew's parents and sib would go. Different strokes for different folks.

faithfully · #22 May 14, '12, 3:53 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by SwizzleStick

Considering the above, my bolding, I think that I would just concentrate on teaching my children the Faith and try to avoid discussing religion at all with the in-laws.

Perhaps the best choice. I'll just see what happens, and make sure I'm prepared to answer questions.

Good for me regardless.

Thanks all!