Elderly "living together"

Domer75 · #1 May 17, '12, 5:35 am

My elderly father is contemplating buying a home and refurbishing it with the help of a lady friend, and then moving in together. I do not feel that this is right for many reasons. I am uncertain how I should address this with him. How would it change things if they were to live in separate bedrooms vs. sharing the same bedroom.

I would appreciate answers on Church teaching of this living arrangement, and also how to deal with this as a family issue.

Thank you very much.

TheRealJuliane · #2 May 17, '12, 5:56 am

He probably just wants the companionship. Is your mother deceased? I have heard that many elderly people are doing this, so that they don't lose their benefits when they marry. If they are not having sexual relations, I'm not sure if it's considered sinful. I guess it could be scandal, but they're OLD, so...

cradlecatholic5 · #3 May 17, '12, 6:53 am

Lonely is an awful thing to be ... I say GO FOR IT!

meltzerboy · #4 May 17, '12, 7:17 am

While I'm sure companionship is part of the living arrangement, it is also the case that older people do have and need sex as well. After my mother died, my father, who was in his 80's at the time, became involved with another woman. They didn't live together but I knew he was having intimate relations with her. I was a bit surprised at first but said nothing because I felt it was his business and, more important, I wanted him to be happy. Neither Judaism nor the Catholic Church condones such activity, regardless of age, but I felt it was not my place to interfere. Besides, my father, not a religious individual, was nonetheless the kindest, most charitable person, and the best father anyone could imagine. I reasoned, why should I deprive him of a little happiness after the death of my mother, which devastated him as well as me? However, every family situation is different and the decision is yours. If you decide to discuss the issue with your father, my only advice is be loving and charitable.

dconklin · #5 May 17, '12, 7:37 am

I cannot think of a Church teaching that involves a child correcting a parent.

airforcefamily · #6 May 17, '12, 7:41 am

An elderly family member of mine did the same thing. He and a female friend lived together, same house but separate bedrooms. She had been a friend of the family for 60+ years and they were just lonely and trying to save money. He used to cry when I visited because he was so lonely. He was much happier having company after she moved it. I think it improved their health and was safer for them both to not believing alone when almost 90.

CatherineOH · #7 May 17, '12, 7:53 am

as long as they are both celibate, what is the problem?

But there in lies the crux, doesn't it?
You inherently are fearing for his eternal life.
Have you talked to him about it?

Carlan · #8 May 17, '12, 7:58 am

Many older brothers and sisters and same sex friends and others share their later lives that way because of economy and companionship. Nothing wrong with that!
Peace, Carlan

PennyinCanada · #9 May 17, '12, 8:08 am

The retired folks are the group with the fastest growing incidence of STD's.

Luna Lovecraft · #10 May 17, '12, 8:34 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Domer75

My elderly father is contemplating buying a home and refurbishing it with the help of a lady friend, and then moving in together. I do not feel that this is right for many reasons. I am uncertain how I should address this with him. How would it change things if they were to live in separate bedrooms vs. sharing the same bedroom.

I would appreciate answers on Church teaching of this living arrangement, and also how to deal with this as a family issue.

Thank you very much.

As far as how to deal with this as a family issue, what are your options?

ThyKingdomCome · #11 May 17, '12, 8:36 am

If you look at Fr. Serpa's answers about non-marital sex between older persons in the AAA section, you will see that advanced age does not entitle one to a different moral standard than everyone else. Premarital sex is wrong, no matter the age. There is not a magic age after which point romance isn't possible, or sex isn't possible, or temptation isn't possible. Therefore, one can not say that co-habitation of older people doesn't create temptation, imply sin, or cause scandal. It still does, although it is packaged in a sweeter, less threatening form of "companionship" and "golden years."

As to correcting one's parents, nowhere does it state that one should not provide correction to one's parents. We are to honor our parents, and one way to do that is through lovingly telling them when we are concerned about something. Tell your father that you are concerned about his decision - say it in love because he is your father, and because he is your brother in Christ. But don't harp on it (as you wouldn't with anyone). Ultimately, you can give a person advice, but you must respect their own free will.

JacarandaPurple · #12 May 17, '12, 9:12 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThyKingdomCome

If you look at Fr. Serpa's answers about non-marital sex between older persons in the AAA section, you will see that advanced age does not entitle one to a different moral standard than everyone else. Premarital sex is wrong, no matter the age. There is not a magic age after which point romance isn't possible, or sex isn't possible, or temptation isn't possible. Therefore, one can not say that co-habitation of older people doesn't create temptation, imply sin, or cause scandal. It still does, although it is packaged in a sweeter, less threatening form of "companionship" and "golden years."

As to correcting one's parents, nowhere does it state that one should not provide correction to one's parents. We are to honor our parents, and one way to do that is through lovingly telling them when we are concerned about something. Tell your father that you are concerned about his decision - say it in love because he is your father, and because he is your brother in Christ. But don't harp on it (as you wouldn't with anyone). Ultimately, you can give a person advice, but you must respect their own free will.

'Bout time someone said that. I would tell my parent I don't appreciate their terrible example for my children and grandchildren. Suddenly something is no longer immoral because you're old? Putting money before morals is no longer sin? Really?!

How are you going to help your 80 year old mother cope with genital warts? Or your father with herpes? Or AIDS? How long do you think an elderly immune system would hold out against that? (I work in healthcare, caring for the elderly. I see the worst there is, and I have seen an older AIDS patient. You DO NOT wanna go there!)

If these elderly people are so starved for companionship that they would create scandal to get it, their families should feel shame every time they look in the mirror. And if older people want sex, they should follow the rules and get married.

And just for a parting salvo, living together is what married people do. Cohabiting without marriage is still shacking up, no matter your age.

BlueEyedLady · #13 May 17, '12, 9:32 am

Yes, he's probably having sex with her. Old people still do that you know. Yes, its still a sin. What should you do about it? Absolutely nothing. Your father is an adult. He has formed his thought, feelings, and beliefs over many decades. Your disapproval of his new found happiness and companionship will not change his mind. It really isn't your place to "correct" your father. He knows that most Christians consider it a sin and he made his choice anyway. Furthermore, he's an adult and I assume done raising you so MYOB.

JacarandaPurple · #14 May 17, '12, 9:34 am

Would it be too judgemental to refuse to bring impressionable children one is still trying to raise for visits to that household?

Havard · #15 May 17, '12, 9:41 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady

Yes, he's probably having sex with her. Old people still do that you know.

Whoah, there. Do you have any knowledge about this man outside of the original post?

Fornication is still considered a mortal sin around these parts. Unless you have personal knowledge of relating to someone, I'll kindly ask that you not speculate as to who is and who isn't.