Last Name Changes on Marriage - Page 3

**adrift** · #31 May 27, '12, 9:15 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady

We get asked that a lot. But it wasn't an argument or power struggle. We just listened to how it sounded both ways and then picked the way we liked best. Fortunately it sounded best with my name first on both of our names.

But if we had really liked it one way with his name and another with mine we probably would have just flipped a coin.

How do the parents feel about it? Oh that's right they are unimportand because your not marrying them. You aren't joining a family. Your starting a new family out with the old.

BlueEyedLady · #32 May 27, '12, 10:32 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by adrift

How do the parents feel about it? Oh that's right they are unimportand because your not marrying them. You aren't joining a family. Your starting a new family out with the old.

Are you serious? How did you get that from what I wrote? 1. Both sets of parents think it's a nice idea. Not like it really matters to my family anyway though. My mom, brother, and I all have differentlast names anyway. 2. Why would anyone be against it? 3. Why would anyone have the right to be upset about it? 4. The point is not that we are startinga new family without our old ones, it's that I am not leaving mine to join his. We are starting a family together, both of us bringing our identities, families, experiences, and heritages to it.

Why did you feel the need to be so snippy?

Sharen · #33 May 27, '12, 11:48 pm

I kept my maiden name when I got married. I was 30 and I like my name. My degrees are in my maiden name.My parents were horrified and still address my mail using my "married" name. I would have been open to my husband and I hyphenating our last names, but he didn't want to. At my children's school, I just use my married name because it is easier. It really is no one's business but the Couple's.

**adrift** · #34 May 28, '12, 12:00 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady

Are you serious? How did you get that from what I wrote? 1. Both sets of parents think it's a nice idea. Not like it really matters to my family anyway though. My mom, brother, and I all have differentlast names anyway. 2. Why would anyone be against it? 3. Why would anyone have the right to be upset about it? 4. The point is not that we are startinga new family without our old ones, it's that I am not leaving mine to join his. We are starting a family together, both of us bringing our identities, families, experiences, and heritages to it.

Why did you feel the need to be so snippy?

You mention your family but say little about his. You were very snippy to someone who explained why

Quote:

So because some "radical feminists" want to be above men you would refuse to marry a woman who liked her name and felt an attachment to it and didn't want to give it up? That is incoherent at best

So don't complain.

**Dale_M** · #35 May 28, '12, 1:08 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by George Stegmeir

Needless to say, if my intended refused to take on my family name, I would be profoundly insulted to the extent that I would consider breaking off the relationship.

I think it is important that a couple share basic values, and probably shouldn't get married if they differ on fundamental orientation towards society, culture and life in general.

While choosing to adopt your last name, or keep her own, may not be a basic value, I do think the decision reflects those values. In all likelihood, by the time a couple is making marriage plans, I would hope that those values have been discussed and agreed upon. So I can't imagine you would have to break off an engagement over the issue of name.

Myself.... I left the decision up to her. I encouraged her to keep her birth name if she wanted. Or we could do the hyphen thing. Or she could adopt mine. Or I could adopt hers. She found the latter idea silly, but I was sincere in my offer.

Fireflylight · #36 May 28, '12, 2:24 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by adrift

How do the parents feel about it? Oh that's right they are unimportand because your not marrying them. You aren't joining a family. Your starting a new family out with the old.

Snarky much? Many people these days dont care about parents opinion on marriage and married last names because they're a product of divorce.

One of my friend's mom cried for days because her daughter chose to change her name. Mother had been married twice and always kept her last name giving her kids her maden name. My friend hated this and thus didnt care. Just because tradition has gone out the window dosnt mean that parents have the right to decide your life. If my parents told me I had to keep (or change) my last name or else, I'd laugh in their faces.

chevalier · #37 May 28, '12, 2:59 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmscms

First I want to say, I totally respect your decision. However, my resentment is when a man says 'The two must become one and the children need to feel like they are part of one family, so the woman HAS to change her name'. There is a difference between a woman wanting to take her husband's last name and being forced to

CM

But a woman should keep her sober reason and realise that her name is in most cases her father's name. So if you look at it from the, 'a man's name,' perspective, then it's always a man's name unless the woman has a surname her mother adopted for herself through deed poll without inheriting it from a male ancestor. So the man in such a case actually has a point when he mentions leaving the mother and the father and becoming one flesh: because the woman is essentially telling him that she will keep her dad's name (and possibly give it to the children) instead of taking his. In short: dad > husband. So how about mum > wife?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fireflylight

I'm for people working out a last name. Weither the girl takes the guys, guy takes the girls, hyphen, combination or even new last name. Whatever it is the couple should know before they marry.

The couple should remember they're naming people and not cats (Constance Euphemia Phyllis Ingeborg Douce Nastyclaw-Strongbite-Feedmenow-Mroar). In the old time, aristocrats would sometimes indeed have siblings with different surnames because someone needed to continue mum's family, the other guy married up, yet another took the name of his estate etc. But everybody suddenly running around with a couple of differently-surnamed kids would be a nightmare for the system.

vera dicere · #38 May 28, '12, 4:11 am

My sister in law hyphanated. It sounds funny. Silly actually, but she's a "modern woman" with her own ideas.

Frankly, I'm dumping mine. It has a swear word in it. Heheh, in fact, on a lot of forums if I post my surname it gets censored! Of course, I do think having a name like that makes you a target for bullies, it makes you stronger. I wouldn't be who I was without that swear word.

Mind you, even if my surname was "Awesome" I'd still change it, I'm a bit traditional like that. What others want to do, that's up to them. But I think its part and parcle of a woman submitting to her husband - which is all hush hush mustant do in this modern world.

agnes therese · #39 May 28, '12, 5:19 am

My (then-future) husband said he would be fine with whichever way I chose. I did take his last name. But, being heavily into genealogy (and the biggest mysteries being in my father's line), I use my maiden name as my middle name.

As the OP said, it's a personal decision by each couple.

BlueEyedLady · #40 May 28, '12, 6:08 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by chevalier

But a woman should keep her sober reason and realise that her name is in most cases her father's name. So if you look at it from the, 'a man's name,' perspective, then it's always a man's name unless the woman has a surname her mother adopted for herself through deed poll without inheriting it from a male ancestor. So the man in such a case actually has a point when he mentions leaving the mother and the father and becoming one flesh: because the woman is essentially telling him that she will keep her dad's name (and possibly give it to the children) instead of taking his. In short: dad > husband. So how about mum > wife?

I don't want to keep my last name to avoid taking a man's. I want to keep my last name because that's MY name. My parents divorced when I was an infant. I never knew my dad or his family, and I was the only person in my hometown to have that name because my mom remarried. I graduated college with that name. Built a career with that name. Everything I've ever done is with that name. Its important to me that both of our identities are reflected in our family name.

BlueEyedLady · #41 May 28, '12, 6:13 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by adrift

You mention your family but say little about his.

I already said that both sets of parents thought it was a very sweet idea. I'm not sure how you managed to get that we were snubbing our families by both hyphenating. Why would anyone's parents be upset about that?

Petergee · #42 May 28, '12, 6:28 am

Simple solution. The bride uses her maiden name as a middle name ( or a third name if she already has a middle name) before her new surname.

Yes we know other cultures do things differently but in Anglo and many other cultures the bride takes the groom's surname. If she refuses to do so, she's sending a message and it doesn't look pretty. To the effect that she's not entirely committed to the marriage.

If my fiancee had expressed the slightest hesitation about taking my name, I would have consequently had serious doubts whether she really wanted to marry me for the right reasons, and consequantly, whether I really wanted to marry her.

I can certainly say that if a woman I intended to marry had refused to take my name, I would have refused to marry her.

In Australia anyone who uses a hyphenated surname is considered to be "up himself" or "putting on airs" as if he was some Pommy aristocrat and is likely to earn the nickname of simply "Hyphen".

If Miss Smith marries Mr Jones and calls herself "Ms Jones-Smith" or some such monstrosity I simply ignore it and call her by her real name, Mrs Jones.

Luna Lovecraft · #43 May 28, '12, 6:54 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petergee

Simple solution. The bride uses her maiden name as a middle name ( or a third name if she already has a middle name) before her new surname.

Yes we know other cultures do things differently but in Anglo and many other cultures the bride takes the groom's surname. If she refuses to do so, she's sending a message and it doesn't look pretty. To the effect that she's not entirely committed to the marriage.

If my fiancee had expressed the slightest hesitation about taking my name, I would have consequently had serious doubts whether she really wanted to marry me for the right reasons, and consequantly, whether I really wanted to marry her.

I can certainly say that if a woman I intended to marry had refused to take my name, I would have refused to marry her.

Please.

People who get bent out of shape over another adult's name aren't ready for marriage. Period. They aren't mature enough to handle the massive changes marriage brings, for one thing. And just by the fact they're willing to take their marbles and go home when someone else won't do what they say speaks volumes on their lack of emotional and mental maturity.

And a name change is simple, eh? Have you done it?

Luna

BlueEyedLady · #44 May 28, '12, 9:00 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luna Lovecraft

Please.

People who get bent out of shape over another adult's name aren't ready for marriage. Period. They aren't mature enough to handle the massive changes marriage brings, for one thing. And just by the fact they're willing to take their marbles and go home when someone else won't do what they say speaks volumes on their lack of emotional and mental maturity.

And a name change is simple, eh? Have you done it?

Luna

This x1000!!!

Allegra · #45 May 28, '12, 11:26 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by manualman

I think it's a practical decision that resulted over time to eliminate angst after several generations. It may be no big deal if you wind up with'Green-Smith.' But pity the poor kindergartener who has to learn to write Maria Velasquez-Villenueve on every homework sheet! Or her kids who have to learn to write Juan Velasquez-Villenueve-Sanchez-O'Toole..... (What? that could happen?!)

It's a fad that will die off when the hyphenated kids grow up and say "this was a PIA and I'm not doing it to my kids."

I have a student with the last name of Garcia-Garcia. We call her Gigi for a nickname. I also have a student who ended up with Sierra-Sierra.