Last Name Changes on Marriage

[Allegra]

I think alot of women choose to keep their original names for professional reasons. I can see that and I can also see just not wanting to change one's name. However, I'm perfectlly fine with changing my surname name to demonstrate that I have a new family now. On the other hand, I don't like hyphenated last names at all. If I wanted to keep my own name I would just keep it the same rather than get into all that and my children would have their father's last name, not some hyphenated mess.

[Litcrit]

I took my husband's name. Having married young, I'd only published one paper under my maiden name, both surnames are long and hyphenating was out of the question, I prefer my husband's male ancestors to my own and relate to them better, and the new initials describing my identity are ID which I think is cool

These were my reasons. I was asked how I could have taken my husband's name, as a self-respecting woman. I replied that I saw nothing feminist about retaining the name of my male ancestors as opposed to the name of the male ancestors of the man I love. If I really wanted to be a feminist about it, I would have changed my male-ancestor-father-son name (like Johnson - John's son) to a female-ancestor-mother-daughter name (like "Joansdaughter" - Joan's daughter). I'd have picked my mother's or grandmother's or great-great-great-great-grandmother's name and added "sdaughter" to it. That would have been consistent with the idea of not succumbing to patriarchy or whatever.

[chevalier]

Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady

I don't want to keep my last name to avoid taking a man's. I want to keep my last name because that's MY name. My parents divorced when I was an infant. I never knew my dad or his family, and I was the only person in my hometown to have that name because my mom remarried. I graduated college with that name. Built a career with that name. Everything I've ever done is with that name. Its important to me that both of our identities are reflected in our family name.

Those are different reasons from dad > husband! It's always different when you have publications, yellow pages and whatnot. Won't be commenting on your specific situation in any more detail, however, since I'm the last persons who should be commenting on that (if only you knew).

Originally Posted by Luna Lovecraft

Please.

People who get bent out of shape over another adult's name aren't ready for marriage. Period. They aren't mature enough to handle the massive changes marriage brings, for one thing. And just by the fact they're willing to take their marbles and go home when someone else won't do what they say speaks volumes on their lack of emotional and mental maturity.

Said lack of maturity only in the man or also in the woman if neither will budge? And it's a little bit ironic that you mention lack of readiness for change that marriage brings where it's the other person who prefers not to follow an established custom that signifies marriage.

[Dale_M]

Originally Posted by chevalier

t's the other person who prefers not to follow an established custom that signifies marriage.

Hm?

I can see how a wedding ring or wedding band signifies marriage. But a last name? A man and a woman with the same last name could easily be brother and sister, or be completely unrelated to one another.

While the practice of a woman changing her last name to that of her husband is traditional, it is hardly necessary, nor is it universally practiced. Customs change.

Whether someone chooses to follow an older custom, or not follow it, seems to deserve neither praise nor blame.

[thewanderer]

Originally Posted by chevalier

(Snip)
Said lack of maturity only in the man or also in the woman if neither will budge? And it's a little bit ironic that you mention lack of readiness for change that marriage brings where it's the other person who prefers not to follow an established custom that signifies marriage.

It depends. I think many of us are thinking of the following scenario.

W: Dear Fiance, I love you very much and know that you probably expect me to take your name when married, but, I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and it would really mean a lot to me if I kept my own name, at least to some extent. You see (insert reasons for wanting to keep own name). Can we think about doing something like this seeing as it would honestly mean the world to me? I just can't imagine leaving my name name behind.
M: What!!! You want to keep your own name instead of taking mine? Never! Take my name or the marriage is off!!!


In which case it is pretty obvious which of the two is unprepared for marriage. I can understand a man saying that this tradition means a lot to him, even so much so that he can't imagine getting married with someone who refuses to take his name. but if someone claims outright that under no circumstances would they marry a woman who didn't take their name, something is wrong.

[faithfully]

Originally Posted by Petergee

Simple solution. The bride uses her maiden name as a middle name ( or a third name if she already has a middle name) before her new surname.

Yes we know other cultures do things differently but in Anglo and many other cultures the bride takes the groom's surname. If she refuses to do so, she's sending a message and it doesn't look pretty. To the effect that she's not entirely committed to the marriage.

If my fiancee had expressed the slightest hesitation about taking my name, I would have consequently had serious doubts whether she really wanted to marry me for the right reasons, and consequantly, whether I really wanted to marry her.

I can certainly say that if a woman I intended to marry had refused to take my name, I would have refused to marry her.

In Australia anyone who uses a hyphenated surname is considered to be "up himself" or "putting on airs" as if he was some Pommy aristocrat and is likely to earn the nickname of simply "Hyphen".

If Miss Smith marries Mr Jones and calls herself "Ms Jones-Smith" or some such monstrosity I simply ignore it and call her by her real name, Mrs Jones.

When done in a way to show a person you don't approve of them? I wouldn't answer you.

While I would have been sad should if my husband had a change of heart over my name choice, I would have been grateful to him for letting me go find a new man that respected my wishes about my person.

[Iheartcoffee]

One's name is a very personal thing. It is naturally pretty easy to get attached to. I know couples that hypenated, and couples where the husband changed his name. It really just depends on the family's wants and needs. My aunt didn't change her last name because she had a very successful law practice and her career was very tied to her name. What is "traditional" really depends on the family and their culture.

I changed my last name, but that is because I wasn't particularly attached to my maiden name and my husband had a normal-sounding last name. I do feel that in cases where one spouse comes to the marriage with a really ridiculous or embarrassing last name they owe it to their children to choose the more normal name to pass on. No sense in saddling a child with a built-in opportunity for ridicule...

Just for fun, google "funny wedding announcement names" and you will find some really great reasons to avoid hyphenation! (Just be careful while reading because some poor couples have names that become very inappropriate for children to read if hyphenated).

[maltmom]

When I got married I never did legally change my name. Why? Because I'm a doctor and I've built my practice and reputation with my name. On my sign, business cards and stationary I did hyphenate it. When I got divorced all I had to do was get a new sign, new cards and stationary. We talked about my name before we got married. My ex-husband was fine with my not changing my name. He told me that under the circumstances he didn't expect me to and hadn't thought that I would.

[Phemie]

Originally Posted by maltmom

When I got married I never did legally change my name. Why? Because I'm a doctor and I've built my practice and reputation with my name. On my sign, business cards and stationary I did hyphenate it. When I got divorced all I had to do was get a new sign, new cards and stationary. We talked about my name before we got married. My ex-husband was fine with my not changing my name. He told me that under the circumstances he didn't expect me to and hadn't thought that I would.

As a doctor, can you legally change your name?

The female med students I knew who were in relationships and planning to change their name upon marriage always made sure to wed before they received their degree so that their parchment would be issued in their married name. I was always told that if they graduated with their maiden name they couldn't change it, at least not for their practice.

[Petergee]

Originally Posted by Luna Lovecraft

Please.

People who get bent out of shape over a...... name aren't ready for marriage. Period. They aren't mature enough to handle the massive changes marriage brings, for one thing. And just by the fact they're willing to take their marbles and go home when someone else won't do what they say speaks volumes on their lack of emotional and mental maturity.

Yes, that's exactly my point.

[Petergee]

Originally Posted by faithfully

When done in a way to show a person you don't approve of them? I wouldn't answer you.

While I would have been sad should if my husband had a change of heart over my name choice, I would have been grateful to him for letting me go find a new man that respected my wishes about my person.

Somebody who "respects my wishes" when I insist on doing something stupid, esepcially something that tells the world "I'm not really committed to this marriage thing" is not showing love for me.

[Petergee]

Originally Posted by thewanderer

It depends. I think many of us are thinking of the following scenario.

W: Dear Fiance, I love you very much and know that you probably expect me to take your name when married, but, I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and it would really mean a lot to me if I kept my own name, at least to some extent. You see (insert reasons for wanting to keep own name). Can we think about doing something like this seeing as it would honestly mean the world to me? I just can't imagine leaving my name name behind.
M: What!!! You want to keep your own name instead of taking mine? Never! Take my name or the marriage is off!!!


In which case it is pretty obvious which of the two is unprepared for marriage. I can understand a man saying that this tradition means a lot to him, even so much so that he can't imagine getting married with someone who refuses to take his name. but if someone claims outright that under no circumstances would they marry a woman who didn't take their name, something is wrong.

Interestring that you say "claims". You just can't imagine or permit anyone to have different view from you on this. We all must reallly secretly agree with you regardless of what we say, eh? What was that about maturity?

Of course in the very unlikely scenario that any woman that I had decided to marry had said those words in the way you put it, of course I would not just immediately break it off without another word, but would attempt to reason with her, and as I said, only if at length she insisted on not taking my name would I most reluctantly conclude, with a breaking heart, that she was not and may not ever be mature enough to commit to marriage and the sacrifices it entails. Real sacrifices, not silly nonsense about names.

[Petergee]

Originally Posted by Phemie

As a doctor, can you legally change your name?

The female med students I knew who were in relationships and planning to change their name upon marriage always made sure to wed before they received their degree so that their parchment would be issued in their married name. I was always told that if they graduated with their maiden name they couldn't change it, at least not for their practice.

Wow, Canada is weird. The clerks at our Health Professionals Registration Authority here spend much of their time processing surname changes on the register for women doctors and other health professionals who have married (or divorced).

[chevalier]

Originally Posted by Dale_M

Hm?

I can see how a wedding ring or wedding band signifies marriage. But a last name? A man and a woman with the same last name could easily be brother and sister, or be completely unrelated to one another.

Not the name, the change of it. And not per se but due to established custom in most of the western culture, which happens to be the culture of most of us here. Wedding bands are not universal either.

While the practice of a woman changing her last name to that of her husband is traditional, it is hardly necessary, nor is it universally practiced. Customs change.

Are wedding bands necessary? And I'd beg to differ on the 'not universally'. If you take the whole world as reference, maybe. Because most of the populace will be from cultures exotic to us. No argument that customs change but going against a custom has a separate significance from that which the action itself has. There is context, there are reasons, causes, premises for one's decision. They all tell a story. I'm surprised that people insist on not seeing this. If you refuse to render a salute or return one in the military, it's not because you don't particularly like raising your hand to your head and it's not just raising your hand: it's a ritual. When you sign a contract, it's not just you penning down your name for somebody's information, it has symbolic significance.

Whether someone chooses to follow an older custom, or not follow it, seems to deserve neither praise nor blame.

Rejecting an old custom suggests at least a strong possibility of having an issue with whatever the custom signifies, as I said above. If there are no specific, good reasons for doing so, the problematic reasons seem likely.

Originally Posted by Petergee

Of course in the very unlikely scenario that any woman that I had decided to marry had said those words in the way you put it, of course I would not just immediately break it off without another word, but would attempt to reason with her, and as I said, only if at length she insisted on not taking my name would I most reluctantly conclude, with a breaking heart, that she was not and may not ever be mature enough to commit to marriage and the sacrifices it entails. Real sacrifices, not silly nonsense about names.

+1

This even though actually in my specific case things are different, very different, although I'd prefer not to go into details, so I'm not saying this as a man bent on perpetuating his surname. In fact, I'm probably the only person living with this exact surname and it would probably be for the better if things remained this way. But the general observations still hold true.

[Petergee]

Originally Posted by chevalier

Not the name, the change of it. And not per se but due to established custom in most of the western culture, which happens to be the culture of most of us here. Wedding bands are not universal either.



Are wedding bands necessary? And I'd beg to differ on the 'not universally'. If you take the whole world as reference, maybe. Because most of the populace will be from cultures exotic to us. No argument that customs change but going against a custom has a separate significance from that which the action itself has. There is context, there are reasons, causes, premises for one's decision. They all tell a story. I'm surprised that people insist on not seeing this. If you refuse to render a salute or return one in the military, it's not because you don't particularly like raising your hand to your head and it's not just raising your hand: it's a ritual. When you sign a contract, it's not just you penning down your name for somebody's information, it has symbolic significance.



Rejecting an old custom suggests at least a strong possibility of having an issue with whatever the custom signifies, as I said above. If there are no specific, good reasons for doing so, the problematic reasons seem likely.

Exactly. Giving someone a cake with candles on it on his birthday, singing "Happy Birthday to You" and inviting him to blow the candles out is "just" a custom which is certainly not universal. But if your family andf friends who claimed to love you, refused to follow this custom on your birthday, because "it's just a silly custom", you would certainly get the message that they DON'T love you.