Toys and possessions - values you teach your children

Apologista · #1 May 30, '12, 4:39 pm

Curious about this because I see lots of different attitudes. I was raised to be very careful with my things. My mom said she taught me not to tear pages out of books by slapping my hands. I was too young to remember her actually doing it. It apparently worked though, because when I was a teenager I'd get really upset if something got damaged.

Nowadays I am often too protective of my possessions. I need to downsize some stuff, too, and the thought comes to my mind of giving some things (like old dolls or books) to other people's children or the children's home, but then I worry the kids would just tear the stuff up, wouldn't value it and it wouldn't mean much to them since kids have so much stuff here in America. Or else they are from broken homes and lack a feeling of permanency so they're used to stuff being discarded.

Even when I was a child still, say grade-school age, I'd see other kids being really careless with their toys - stepping on them not looking where they were going, taking a book into the swimming pool - no kidding - and it getting ruined. On the other side was the occasional friend's mom who had rules and you felt like you probably better not touch anything. An example would be playing Barbies - only play with your own Barbies and clothes, don't swap with friends who had this kind of mom, or it would be a big stink raised.

So I thought it'd be interesting to survey where parents stand on these issues today when it comes to the toys and other possessions they buy for their young children.

triumphguy · #2 May 30, '12, 5:23 pm

My kids get mud, sticks and empty boxes.

Not really, but they do seem like the things they most want to play with outside!

Cat · #3 May 30, '12, 5:55 pm

My two daughters are long past that age (26 and 29).

But here are a few of our strategies that I hope readers will find useful.

When the girls were growing up, we tried not to buy out the store when it came to toys. Some of my friends back in the 1980s had "toy rooms" in their homes (Raleigh, North Carolina)--entire rooms full of toys, and the toys went back into that room at the end of the day. I remember being kind of put-off by this--it seemed like an awful lot of toys, and I felt like the children would surely be overwhelmed by too many choices, and would probably end up playing with a box or a stick.

What my husband and I did was keep just one laundry basket of toys out for a month. We would fill it with an assortment of toys; e.g., some dolls, some stuffed animals, some active toys (balls, etc.), a building toy (Legos, blocks, etc.), etc. The girls would have just this one basket of toys, and all their other toys were up in the attic.

At the end of the month, I put the toys up in the attic and filled the laundry basket with a new selection of toys from the attic.

Yes, there were a few toys that stayed out all the time because the girls were attached to them. And certain toys like crayons and paper, all their books, etc., were out all the time and always available.

But most of their toys were in the attic. It sure cut down on clutter and pick-up time, and it wasn't so overwhelming and overstimulating.

One of the best suggestions I read about toys is from Raymond and Dorothy Moore (childhood reading experts). They said "No toys. other than one really good set of building blocks." They recommended that the children be encouraged to spend time with their parents doing everyday work and making the work "fun." E.g., gardening--obviously the little ones wouldn't be expected to wield the hedge trimmers or push the lawn mower. But they can dig in the dirt, pick up rocks and put them in a box, look for bugs, sweep, plant seeds with a parent's help, etc.

Another e.g. is cooking. Again, the little ones would not be flipping bacon or chopping up tomatoes. But they can stand by and help in simple ways. Also, mom and dad can have a special cupboard where all the household items are safe for the children to play with, and they can play "pretend kitchen" with these items.

I admit that I never quite had the nerve to totally get rid of the toys. But that's why I started the laundry basket thing--it really cut down the clutter. And I tried very hard to include the children in my daily routine and let them play alongside me while I worked.

My dad was and still is really good at doing this. Recently, he and my brother purchased a home in a section of Northern Illinois that has a lot of Mennonites. They (along with a crew of friends) were working on the house (repair and remodeling), and a crowd of little Mennonite boys came to watch. (Remember how much fun it used to be to watch carpenters building a house in your neighborhood?!)

My dad eventually asked the little boys if they wanted to help. Of course they did! (Mennonites have a strong work ethic!) So he gave them each a bucket and asked them to walk around the yard and pick up nails and screws that had fallen on the ground from the various repair projects, along with scraps of wood.

They loved it, and they spent a couple of hours helping my dad and his crew. When the little boys had to leave, my dad paid them each $5.00, and they were absolutely thrilled to receive "wages" for their work.

I'm frankly in awe that my dad can make picking up nails more fun than playing a video game. But maybe the little Mennonite children didn't have any video games.

My mother's rule for toys was amazing--she always said that it doesn't take much to amuse a child. She was arthritic and virtually invalid. I once left my two-year old daughter (my older daughter, the energize bunny) with her for a few hours. My dad was home, so I felt like everything would be safe.

When I came back to pick up my daughter, she was sitting in a cardboard box. She was so excited. She said that she and Grandma had been "travelling in the airplane." My mother told me that for almost two hours, my daughter had sat in the box while my mother sat in her chair, and they had pretended to travel all around the world and see all kinds of pretty sights, including various fairy tale events.

I was awed--and believe me, I took this to heart and tried as much as possible to encourage my daughters to make toys out of boxes, sticks, rocks, strings, and other simple things.

My older daughter grew up with an intense interest in theater, and is now a professional stage manager. I can't help but wonder if this early experience with my mother was an exposure to pure theater--a simple set/prop (the box), a script (my mother's imagination providing the "plot" of travelling), and the characters, an invalid old woman and a toddler (two people who could not travel on their own in real life.) IMO, it's better theater than a lot of the junk on TV or the movies. And it showed my daughter that you don't need a multi-million dollar budget to tell a really good story, which is what theater is.

One thing that I did was buy a lot of the girls' toys at garage sales, rather than buying new stuff. They didn't know the difference when they were very young, and it was sure a lot cheaper.

Finally, we did get rid of toys as the girls outgrew them. I kept one box of their baby toys, and their American Girl dolls, and their blocks. Other than that, those toys are gone. I strongly suggest this for all families--your children will grow up even if you keep their toys. You can't stop them from growing up, and keeping their toys isn't the same as keeping your children.

I hope some of these anecdotes are helpful to mother and daddies with young children.

Cat · #4 May 30, '12, 6:03 pm

I would like to address your questions about children taking care of their toys.

When it comes to taking care of toys, I think you have to be careful not to become obsessive-compulsive about this. Yes, of course, children should be taught to strive to take care of their toys and not break them, because once a toy is broken, it will probably have to be thrown away, unless Daddy can fix it (which in our house, he usually could!).

But many toys, if played with, will take a beating and possibly end up on the scrap pile, and that's OK. Active toys like balls, jump ropes, Frisbees, etc. will get dirty and scuffed-up, or possibly destroyed (when they fly out in the road and a truck crushes them.). A bike can get wrecked if the child has a collision with a tree, a dog, another bike, etc.--as long as the child is OK, does the bike really matter?! Yes, a bike can be expensive (unless it's a garage sale purchase or a hand-me-down from a good friend!), but what good is a bike if the child can never ride it hard or get it dirty or pretend that it's a NASCAR vehicle and race other children, or bend the fenders trying to jump off a home-made ramp in the backyard?!

Same for dolls and stuffed animals. If a child really plays hard with these toys and sleeps with them, takes them everywhere (including the table for meals), cuddles up with them in front of the TV or during storytime, etc.--they will get shiny and dirty and lose their fur and probably lose their shoe button eyes or get ripped. Again, that's OK. It's a good life lesson--everyone wears out.

I still have the teddy bear that I slept with and who was my dearest pal growing up--she is a virtual rag, but I still love her! And my girls had American Girl dolls-very expensive. We still have them, and their hair is kind of messy and they have some stains, and some of their little dresses and props are not in mint condition--that's OK! The girls actually PLAYED with these dolls--they didn't just leave them on a shelf and dust them once a day and think about how pretty they are!

Especially true for trucks, Power Rangers, trains (Thomas especially), Hotwheels, and all the other toys that little boys love--if these toys get played with, they will get scratched up and some will get stepped on (they're kind of hard for grown ups to see)--so what? They don't cost that much, and as long as the child isn't deliberately taking a hammer and pounding on them, it's OK.

I recently watched a television program about hoarders. One of the "symptoms" was that the mother couldn't bring herself to give any of her children's toys away to the Goodwill because she was convinced that the toys wouldn't be taken care of and that they would get broken. As a result, she had every toy that her children had ever received, even though the children were grown up. Her housed was stacked full of toys, many still in their original boxes.

SO please be careful about an obsession with keeping the toys "nice," and get some counselling if this trait becomes an obssessive/compulsive thing for you. There's a balance--yes, we want to take care of our material possessions, including toys. But we also want to use these possessions, and that means that they will wear out, get stained, and perhaps break.

TheRealJuliane · #5 May 30, '12, 6:16 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat

But most of their toys were in the attic. It sure cut down on clutter and pick-up time, and it wasn't so overwhelming and overstimulating.

You really did have "toys in the attic!"

TheRealJuliane · #6 May 30, '12, 6:28 pm

As for the OP's question...

I had 2 sons. Well, I still have them, but they are 21 and 18 now. Boys are harder on stuff in general. I think I struck a decent balance between teaching them to respect *stuff,* mainly because it represents hard work that their Dad had to do to obtain it for them, and not to be so freaked out that they couldn't enjoy their toys. Their dad grew up in one of those "don't touch that" homes so he does get a little more compulsive than I do. It's only now that we can even begin to think of putting anything nice out and expecting it not to be ruined. Boys just...wear stuff out.

I think the main thing is just not to have that many toys around. If you don't go crazy with toys, then your kids should value what they have, and take care of the toys they love. I have to admit I went overboard when mine were little, at Christmas. But we didn't do huge birthday parties which were all the rage then - Chuck E Cheese, roller skating, etc. even bouncy castles.

Try to buy fewer toys but more quality. Lego is expensive, but worth the investment because it is a creative toy that lasts for years. Buy the best you can afford, even if it's something smaller. It will last longer and hold up better.

Aggies08 · #7 May 30, '12, 7:56 pm

Mine are taught the same as my students- to show respect for their toys. This is how the toy is to be used. This is its purpose. This is how we take it out, put it away, and play with it. If something we play with is messy, this is how we clean up when done, etc.

Now, I'm a wonderfully messy person

There is nothing I like better than pudding painting and the like! However, learning to respect their toys teaches them to respect the environment they are in, and each other as well.

Nothing is off limits in the house; they may look at the breakables, photos, etc- but they are expected to handle them properly, as taught. For the babies/toddlers, if they are interested in it, this means I sit with them, or move it out of reach if I cannot work with them at the moment.

It is the parent/teacher's responsibility to ensure all items are SAFE (broken, cracked, etc), APPROPRIATE, and NEAT at the end of each day. Kids play with toys, things do wear out. Fix or trash as needed!

Sillara · #8 Jun 3, '12, 2:21 am

I have six children, ranging in age from 13 down to 2. We have toys, plenty of them, I suppose. But we do not have too many by any means.

We have blocks and lots of Legos. We also have some Barbies. They love those. We have a few Schleich dolls. (You can Google those, but they are awesome!) They have a few baby dolls. Each girl has her "special" baby doll, all from a matching series. Even the 13-year-old, who doesn't play with dolls anymore, still keeps this particular doll, one I gave her when she was a year old.

Our children are taught to try to take care of and be careful with their toys as much as is compatible with actually *using* the toys. They know that if the toys are broken, it is unlikely that they will be able to be replaced. (With six children, new toys are a special occasion thing!)

They are given one present each on their birthdays. At Christmas they are given a couple of presents apiece. My parents usually give them a pair of pyjamas or a new dress, and my husband's parents usually give them nothing. (We live far from his parents.)

This keeps the number of toys down a bit, and if anything breaks, it gets thrown away. We teach them that things do not last forever; only people do. (Yes, we talk about the existence of the soul after death. Our dead relatives need people to pray for them!)

Serap · #9 Jun 3, '12, 6:54 am

We buy a lot of second hand toys to save money, so how they care for them, is a little more flexible. we do ask them to clean up their toys though.

Ahcids · #10 Mar 13, '13, 8:32 pm

We often see, when two children fighting for a toy, the mother ran over to persuade this, pull that, trying to calm down contradictions. In fact, children have the ability to solve interpersonal conflicts. When the lazy mother let the children play freely and exchanges, the child will have conscious partner exchanges around the small, cultivate children's ability to interact with people is good. In exchange, the child will not only be able to develop the cognitive ability and the ability to understand, and, in exchange, the child can understand the feelings and thoughts of others sometimes tell myself is different, even contradictory. In this moment, if they hope to be able to continue playing together, they must learn to negotiate, compromise and adaptation, in order to achieve a moderate state religion sterile set 5 groups to take care of the wishes of the majority in the deliberations and compromise can enhance their interpersonal skills.