Child afraid of death

mellowcalico · #1 Jun 8, '12, 8:42 am

My 7-year-old is suddenly afraid of dying. I am not 100% sure what brought this on, but think it's the fact that in my area, two little girls my daughter's age, on two separate occasions in the past few weeks, lost their lives in traffic accidents. I don't watch the news with my daughter, but she's heard about it I am sure since everyone is talking about it.

My daughter gets hysterical and cries and clings to me. I've had to sleep in her bed the past two nights because she's scared. And she's still dwelling on it (asking me questions about if she will see our cat in heaven... if my grandmother is taking care of the cat in heaven so he won't get lost, etc).

I don't know what to say to calm her. I've told her about heaven (hence the questions I mentioned), I've told her to say the Guardian Angel prayer, I've prayed that she finds some comfort somehow, etc, etc, but it doesn't help the sobs of, "I don't want to die mommy!"

Any suggestions?

Luna Lovecraft · #2 Jun 8, '12, 9:02 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by mellowcalico

My 7-year-old is suddenly afraid of dying. I am not 100% sure what brought this on, but think it's the fact that in my area, two little girls my daughter's age, on two separate occasions in the past few weeks, lost their lives in traffic accidents. I don't watch the news with my daughter, but she's heard about it I am sure since everyone is talking about it.

My daughter gets hysterical and cries and clings to me. I've had to sleep in her bed the past two nights because she's scared. And she's still dwelling on it (asking me questions about if she will see our cat in heaven... if my grandmother is taking care of the cat in heaven so he won't get lost, etc).

I don't know what to say to calm her. I've told her about heaven (hence the questions I mentioned), I've told her to say the Guardian Angel prayer, I've prayed that she finds some comfort somehow, etc, etc, but it doesn't help the sobs of, "I don't want to die mommy!"

Any suggestions?

I don't think it's unusual for seven-year-olds to come to the realization that physical death is final. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. Before that I think kids think of death as a state living beings can move in and out of. I know that when the girls were five their great-grandmother died, and for weeks they asked us when Grandma Mildred was coming back, like Grandma Mildred had gone on vacation, even though we'd explained to them she was dead and they'd gone to her funeral.

I also don't think it's unusual for small children to associate sleep with death, which makes sense if you think about it. I'd be patient with your daughter, answer her questions as she asks them as honestly yet kindly as you can. And reassure her that no one wants to die, that she's healthy and has you to protect her so her chances of dying in the immediate future are small.

I'd also suggest a visit to your local library. There are a plethora of children's books for explaining death and dying to children in calming and reassuring ways, tipped to specific developmental levels.The children's librarian will be great resource for titles.

Luna

ChrissyB364 · #3 Jun 8, '12, 11:41 am

I remember at around the same age I would lie awake at night thinking about death. I wasn't terrified and I didn't even tell my parents that I couldn't fall asleep at night for thinking about it. Its around this age that kids start to understand deaths permanence and with your daughter hearing about two other little girls dying its become something that's not just associated with pets and grandparents anymore. It's even more real. I wish I had more advice to give, maybe you could talk to her about how healthy she is, how much she knows about keeping herself safe etc. Try doing something new at bedtime that might get her mind moving in another direction, a family game, extra stories, go outside in PJs and catch lightning bugs. Nothing happened that made me stop worrying about it I just kinda grew out of it. Hope this doesn't trouble your little girl for too long and as a little girl whose been there, I'll be praying for her.

Julia Mae · #4 Jun 8, '12, 12:12 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by mellowcalico

I don't know what to say to calm her. I've told her about heaven (hence the questions I mentioned), I've told her to say the Guardian Angel prayer, I've prayed that she finds some comfort somehow, etc, etc, but it doesn't help the sobs of, "I don't want to die mommy!"

Any suggestions?

I think you are doing a good job. Part of what you can tell her is that when people are in Heaven they can be close to us all the time if they want. We have a hard time seeing them, but they can see us. So, those children that died can be with their parents all the time. But they are probably busy playing and stuff.

It probably just never occurred to her she could ever die. After a while, when she doesn't, she'll find a way to integrate the knowledge.

maryjk · #5 Jun 8, '12, 1:27 pm

I went through the same thing with my son. I think he was 8 but he may have been 7.

I did everything I could think of. We talked. We read.

But what finally worked was an appointment with a priest. I sat with them for a minute, then left them to talk. (I could still see them, I just couldn't hear what they said.)

My son seemed a lot better after that.

Aggies08 · #6 Jun 9, '12, 7:30 pm

I'm guessing there is a fear of being alone in that, too.

Do you have any deceased grandparents? I would be comfortable in telling my children about heaven, and that grandma/grandpa would be there, etc.

clark_kent · #7 Jun 9, '12, 8:44 pm

When I was 10 or 11 I got heavy afraid about dying. Couldn't sleep for thinking about it. I think its a phase everyone has to go to --- when it clicks that the worlds going to be about a long time after you're gone.

I'll try to remember and ask my mum what she told me back then.

SMHW · #8 Jun 10, '12, 10:01 pm

It's partly a phase -or perhaps more a milestone- that your daughter has to go through.

I think the best thing you can do is hug her, reassure her, but then be as matter-of-fact about it as you can. This is like any fear; it's there but it doesn't mean she suddenly gets a pass on doing what she is otherwise expected to do. If a night-light or music helps her to sleep, then fine. But you may have to show a bit of detachment from her fear. I don't mean that you act like you don't care. I mean you treat this as some new difficult task that she has to learn, like tying her shoes. She has to learn to be comfortable with the knowledge of death.

The one thing that is good for children is to point out the steps you are actively taking to protect her. Since she may be especially concerned about automobile accidents I'll use that as an example: Everyone in the car always puts on a safety belt/harness. The driver carefully checks mirrors and puts cell phones and other distracting items in a safe place. The car is routinely checked to make sure it is in safe working order. You can point out how you are following traffic rules and taking measures to avoid drivers who are not being as conscientious.

You should also point out what she does to secure her own safety. This would include holding hands with a parent when in strange places, checking for traffic before crossing streets (even if you are with her), being cautious when around strange people or animals, being careful when in potentially dangerous places in the house (like kitchens, bathrooms, and stairs), wearing protective gear when on bikes, skates, or scooters...

And you should point out that she has spiritual protectors: She has her guardian angel. She has her parents praying for her. She has her relatives who have gone on to heaven praying for her. And she can pray to God the Father, to the Holy Spirit, to Jesus, to Mary, and to all the saints. With so many looking out for her, both on the earth and in heaven, she will have someone looking after her no matter what happens.

mellowcalico · #9 Jun 11, '12, 6:45 am

Thank you everyone for your help

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aggies08

I'm guessing there is a fear of being alone in that, too.

Do you have any deceased grandparents? I would be comfortable in telling my children about heaven, and that grandma/grandpa would be there, etc.

She does have a fear of being alone--I can't even go into another level of the house without her knowing where I am (or panicking when I am not there). She's very attached to me (although she is getting "better" and detaching. I figure in time it will go away).

3 of my 4 grandparents are dead... as is my own father (cancer). I have mentioned that they will be there, but she really doesn't remember them. Oddly enough, telling her that the cat will be there if that will make her happy, *is* reassuring to her. Although I feel that's a lie since animals don't have immortal souls. But it really does calm her down.