Forgiving husband after affair

Roo82 · #1 Jun 8, '12, 1:40 pm

Hi!
I'm looking for some advice and prayers. 3 weeks ago my husband (of 6 years/together for 13yrs) had a one night stand while on a stag night. He confessed a week later during this week he could hardly look at me he said because he felt so guilty. He claims not to remember much about it. Only suddenly realising what he was doing was wrong and literally stopping and leaving the hotel room. He doesn't even remember what she looked like. He said he was completely out of control due to a taking excessive amounts of cocaine and alchohol.
He seems devestated and is pleading with me to stay with him. We have 3 Children. I really love him but I don't know if I can forgive him. I am afraid resentment and anger will consume me and our relationship. I just dont know what to do? Marriage is important to me and I thought when I took my wedding vows it would be forever.
Any advice would be most appreciated and please keep us both in your prayer.

Thanks you
Xxx

BlueEyedLady · #2 Jun 8, '12, 1:45 pm

I see several issues here. Not only was your husband unfaithful he drank so much alcohol that he doesn't even remember what happened, and he used cocaine. There are a lot of huge problems here and IMO you need to get you and your children far away from him for your own safety. Not just mental and emotional safety, but physical as well.

Roo82 · #3 Jun 8, '12, 1:53 pm

He isn't a drug user. I know and believe this. He z he got carried away on the stag night, with people he doesn't normally associate with. Cocaine was being offered and he tried it for the first time and things went wrong from there. He swore he would never take drugs again. Do you think I'm a fool for hoping his infiledity was due to drug taking more than anything? What I'm I meant to do? Surely in the eyes of the church I should stay? I'm so confused.

Luna Lovecraft · #4 Jun 8, '12, 1:54 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roo82

Hi!
I'm looking for some advice and prayers. 3 weeks ago my husband (of 6 years/together for 13yrs) had a one night stand while on a stag night. He confessed a week later during this week he could hardly look at me he said because he felt so guilty. He claims not to remember much about it. Only suddenly realising what he was doing was wrong and literally stopping and leaving the hotel room. He doesn't even remember what she looked like. He said he was completely out of control due to a taking excessive amounts of cocaine and alchohol.
He seems devestated and is pleading with me to stay with him. We have 3 Children. I really love him but I don't know if I can forgive him. I am afraid resentment and anger will consume me and our relationship. I just dont know what to do? Marriage is important to me and I thought when I took my wedding vows it would be forever.
Any advice would be most appreciated and please keep us both in our prayer.

Thanks you
Xxx

Your husband needs to be in rehab. Working on forgiving him will be part of his recovery and something you will work through with your/his therapist. Contact your local Catholic charities, a local chapter of NA or AA, or your family physician for a referral for a rehab facility in your area.

Luna

BlueEyedLady · #5 Jun 8, '12, 1:59 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roo82

He isn't a drug user. I know and believe this. He z he got carried away on the stag night, with people he doesn't normally associate with. Cocaine was being offered and he tried it for the first time and things went wrong from there. He swore he would never take drugs again. Do you think I'm a fool for hoping his infiledity was due to drug taking more than anything? What I'm I meant to do? Surely in the eyes of the church I should stay? I'm so confused.

If cocaine was being passed around at a party and that was enough for him to use it and cheat on you, he has serious problems, ones that will not go away without help. Rehab and counseling must be conditions of him continuing to have contact with you and your children. Whether he's a "drug user" or not is beside the point. If it's that easy for things to go that badly with him you must protect yourself and your children. Their safety and wellbeing is nothing to take chances with.

Roo82 · #6 Jun 8, '12, 2:01 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luna Lovecraft

Your husband needs to be in rehab. Working on forgiving your him will be part of his recovery and something you will work through with your/his therapist. Contact your local Catholic charities, a local chapter of NA or AA, or your family physician for a referral for a rehab facility in your area.

Luna

Thanks for your advice. I wouldn't call him a drug user. He was offered cocaine and tried it once. He said he hated it and would never want to try drugs again. I fee the problem is me now and if I can ever learn to forgive.

maryjk · #7 Jun 8, '12, 2:06 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady

I see several issues here. Not only was your husband unfaithful he drank so much alcohol that he doesn't even remember what happened, and he used cocaine. There are a lot of huge problems here and IMO you need to get you and your children far away from him for your own safety. Not just mental and emotional safety, but physical as well.

I have to agree. Someone using alcohol to the point of not remembering what happened is alcohol abuse. And that doesn't even touch on cocaine use.

He needs help. And he needs to be tested since you have no idea what "the other woman" might have had.

catholicanne · #8 Jun 8, '12, 2:06 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roo82

Thanks for your advice. I wouldn't call him a drug user. He was offered cocaine and tried it once. He said he hated it and would never want to try drugs again. I fee the problem is me now and if I can ever learn to forgive.

Sounds to me like you want to stay, you're just looking for someone to justify your desire.

If you want to stay then stay but I think you should seriously look at the advice given here. If my husband went to a party and there was cocaine there he would have walked out and come home. Why didn't your husband? You both need counseling and prayers. I will pray for your family.

maryjk · #9 Jun 8, '12, 2:08 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roo82

Thanks for your advice. I wouldn't call him a drug user. He was offered cocaine and tried it once. He said he hated it and would never want to try drugs again. I fee the problem is me now and if I can ever learn to forgive.

No the problem is not you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by catholicanne

Sounds to me like you want to stay, you're just looking for someone to justify your desire.

If you want to stay then stay but I think you should seriously look at the advice given here. If my husband went to a party and there was cocaine there he would have walked out and come home. Why didn't your husband? You both need counseling and prayers. I will pray for your family.

I couldn't imagine my husband staying if there was cocaine being passed around.

Luna Lovecraft · #10 Jun 8, '12, 2:09 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roo82

He isn't a drug user. I know and believe this. He z he got carried away on the stag night, with people he doesn't normally associate with. Cocaine was being offered and he tried it for the first time and things went wrong from there. He swore he would never take drugs again. Do you think I'm a fool for hoping his infiledity was due to drug taking more than anything? What I'm I meant to do? Surely in the eyes of the church I should stay? I'm so confused.

Yes, he is a drug user. Regardless if it was the first or the 50th time he used, the fact that he made the decision to use drugs simply because the was offered them and the fact that he became so intoxicated/altered on cocaine and alcohol that he had sex with a complete stranger, means he has a problem. He needs to work to discover the source of what caused him to find any of these behaviors acceptable that night.

The Church does not teach that a spouse needs share a home with someone who gets drunk and doped up and then sleeps with a stranger. You husband needs to act to protect himself, you, your marriage and - most importantly - his children. Needs to seek help for himself. Today.

Luna

Pekita · #11 Jun 8, '12, 2:11 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady

If cocaine was being passed around at a party and that was enough for him to use it and cheat on you, he has serious problems, ones that will not go away without help. Rehab and counseling must be conditions of him continuing to have contact with you and your children. Whether he's a "drug user" or not is beside the point. If it's that easy for things to go that badly with him you must protect yourself and your children. Their safety and wellbeing is nothing to take chances with.

I agree. I´ve been married 33 years, have been through a lot, including infidelity. Since you are catholic you should forgive him, for love of God... but it won´t be easy because, you´ll always doubt, God gives us the grace to endure. BUT you must set things straight, the ball is in your side of the court, don´t blow the oportunity to demand everything to ensure a healthy relationship between you both. Rehab, counceling, going to church together every sunday. It is posible to forgive...Good luck!

BlueEyedLady · #12 Jun 8, '12, 2:14 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pekita

I agree. I´ve been married 33 years, have been through a lot, including infidelity. Since you are catholic you should forgive him, for love of God... but it won´t be easy because, you´ll always doubt, God gives us the grace to endure. BUT you must set things straight, the ball is in your side of the court, don´t blow the oportunity to demand everything to ensure a healthy relationship between you both. Rehab, counceling, going to church together every sunday. It is posible to forgive...Good luck!

But let's remember that even if she forgives him she does not have to stay with him, especially since he could so easily put her and her children at risk.

Luna Lovecraft · #13 Jun 8, '12, 2:18 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by catholicanne

Sounds to me like you want to stay, you're just looking for someone to justify your desire.

If you want to stay then stay but I think you should seriously look at the advice given here. If my husband went to a party and there was cocaine there he would have walked out and come home. Why didn't your husband? You both need counseling and prayers. I will pray for your family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by maryjk

No the problem is not you.

I couldn't imagine my husband staying if there was cocaine being passed around.

I know my husband would leave a cocaine-fueled party because he did two years ago. It scared him half to death.

Luna

Roo82 · #14 Jun 8, '12, 2:22 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pekita

I agree. I´ve been married 33 years, have been through a lot, including infidelity. Since you are catholic you should forgive him, for love of God... but it won´t be easy because, you´ll always doubt, God gives us the grace to endure. BUT you must set things straight, the ball is in your side of the court, don´t blow the oportunity to demand everything to ensure a healthy relationship between you both. Rehab, counceling, going to church together every sunday. It is posible to forgive...Good luck!

Thanks for your reply. I know it's going to be along process. My husband consulted our priest and I think that helped him understand how moving on is going to be a long and frustrating process. Do you think a marriage can ever completely recover from infidelity?

stephe1987 · #15 Jun 8, '12, 2:46 pm

I think the OP meant drug addict (i.e. someone who habitually/frequently uses drugs), not drug user.

I think it looks like there are some serious problems and your husband needs counseling. It looks like he needs to grow spiritually and personally because adults should be strong enough to resist peer pressure and not do drugs or take excessive alcohol just because it's being offered and "everyone else is doing it."

Rehab may or may not be an issue. If that was his first and only time using cocaine and he doesn't want to use it again, then he's not addicted. But the alcohol might be an issue depending on how often he drinks, and how much.

I also question his decision to go to a stag night in the first place. Aren't those parties where men get drunk and sleep with women before one of the members in the group gets married? It doesn't seem like a Christian thing to do. Maybe have a guys' night out and go bowling or something, but they shouldn't be at a hotel in the first place... that is asking for trouble.