Doing something wrong for the right reason

[AthenaC]

Originally Posted by cviolette

I was faithful for the time period that we dated and for the first 19 years of marriage. The adultery has only been the last year and a half. Not saying that adultery is ever right. Or that I do not play a huge part in the marriage failing. He has always been cold and distant. I just never caught him in lies until recently but I had never been looking before. I was too busy raising the kids.

There is no way our marriage can work unless we were BOTH truthful.

*knocks on cviolette's window*

Hello? Are you my 24-year-old self?

In my first marriage it was so bad after a while that until I was able to leave, being unfaithful kept me sane, gave me hope, and made me feel like everything was going to be all right. So I understand being between a rock and a hard place on that one. Leave. As soon as you can. Before he puts even more pressure on your sanity. (Seriously, thrown in some physical abuse, some marital rape, and serial infidelity, and your husband sounds a LOT like mine. Heck, birth control was self-defense for me at the time.)

But before you think about getting into a new relationship, please consider whether or not you have a concept of what a healthy relationship looks like and whether or not you are truly open to love. I know for myself, when I left my husband, I had such a warped view of what was normal and healthy that I knew I had to figure something out before I could either find a good husband or be a good wife (this may be what you refer to as being a "horrible judge of character").

What worked for me was reading a couple "save your marriage" books, because they are geared toward teaching couples how to save their marriages (i.e. create a healthy relationship). When I read these books, I was able to get a picture in my head of what a healthy relationship looks like, and by extension what character traits I needed in my next husband so we could create a healthy relationship together. I read "The Five Love Languages" and "Emotional Infidelity," but I am sure there are other good ones out there.

Now, after I read these and really thought about it, I had to work on opening my heart to love again, because to survive my marriage, I had become so emotionally dead inside. Even if I were to find another husband I couldn't really love him with everything I had and trust him the way you need to in marriage. So what I did was (and I know I'm going to get in trouble for this) I started dating someone and deliberately practiced opening up my heart, knowing that I was probably going to get hurt (small price to pay to wake my heart up again). Sure enough, he left me, but my current husband dropped into my lap soon after, and we got married with me knowing I had done the work to heal and that I could love him the way he deserved.

So anyway, just some thoughts from my experience. Hope it helps.

[Cristiano]

Originally Posted by cviolette

If I can ever get on the right path, it will be worth it.

Let just say with the other part is that is complicated. I finally found a good man that loves me and that I love. But I am married and his life revolves around the Church. For now, I am focusing on God, my kids and my career. I do hope that someday I will be free to be with him.

His life cannot be revolving too much around the Church if he is having an affair with a married woman.

[mgoforth]

Originally Posted by Cristiano

His life cannot be revolving too much around the Church if he is having an affair with a married woman.

I would have to agree, and reiterate my advice. As much as you love this man and he loves you (and I'm not trying to dispute that), you should break off the relationship. If someday your marriage was annulled, then you would be free to marry him. But by continuing a relationship with him while you're talking about getting a divorce, you're placing yourself in serious temptation. You've already said once that you would give up the Church for this man...whose to say that thought won't eventually win out and lead you away from God?

[cviolette]

Originally Posted by AthenaC

*knocks on cviolette's window*

Hello? Are you my 24-year-old self?

In my first marriage it was so bad after a while that until I was able to leave, being unfaithful kept me sane, gave me hope, and made me feel like everything was going to be all right. So I understand being between a rock and a hard place on that one. Leave. As soon as you can. Before he puts even more pressure on your sanity. (Seriously, thrown in some physical abuse, some marital rape, and serial infidelity, and your husband sounds a LOT like mine. Heck, birth control was self-defense for me at the time.)

But before you think about getting into a new relationship, please consider whether or not you have a concept of what a healthy relationship looks like and whether or not you are truly open to love. I know for myself, when I left my husband, I had such a warped view of what was normal and healthy that I knew I had to figure something out before I could either find a good husband or be a good wife (this may be what you refer to as being a "horrible judge of character").

What worked for me was reading a couple "save your marriage" books, because they are geared toward teaching couples how to save their marriages (i.e. create a healthy relationship). When I read these books, I was able to get a picture in my head of what a healthy relationship looks like, and by extension what character traits I needed in my next husband so we could create a healthy relationship together. I read "The Five Love Languages" and "Emotional Infidelity," but I am sure there are other good ones out there.

Now, after I read these and really thought about it, I had to work on opening my heart to love again, because to survive my marriage, I had become so emotionally dead inside. Even if I were to find another husband I couldn't really love him with everything I had and trust him the way you need to in marriage. So what I did was (and I know I'm going to get in trouble for this) I started dating someone and deliberately practiced opening up my heart, knowing that I was probably going to get hurt (small price to pay to wake my heart up again). Sure enough, he left me, but my current husband dropped into my lap soon after, and we got married with me knowing I had done the work to heal and that I could love him the way he deserved.

So anyway, just some thoughts from my experience. Hope it helps.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have been reading about marriage and love. Re-evaluate my life and my faults and my part in the problems in my marriage. Going through my marriage and all my previous relationships. Sad thing is that my husband is way better than my previous boyfriends. Especially during my more volatile years.

I do think that my current relationship is showing me what real love is. It was a friendship that developed into love. Never had that before. Never had someone that cared for me and it was not about sex. It is a mess and I am sure that I have a lot to learn.

[cviolette]

Originally Posted by Cristiano

His life cannot be revolving too much around the Church if he is having an affair with a married woman.

I know. I am sure that he never thought this would be an issue for him.

Originally Posted by mgoforth

I would have to agree, and reiterate my advice. As much as you love this man and he loves you (and I'm not trying to dispute that), you should break off the relationship. If someday your marriage was annulled, then you would be free to marry him. But by continuing a relationship with him while you're talking about getting a divorce, you're placing yourself in serious temptation. You've already said once that you would give up the Church for this man...whose to say that thought won't eventually win out and lead you away from God?

It's hard. Right now, his place is my safe place. When I need to escape my troubles. And it not about sex. It is just where I can go where no one wants something from me.

[Cristiano]

Originally Posted by cviolette

I know. I am sure that he never thought this would be an issue for him.



It's hard. Right now, his place is my safe place. When I need to escape my troubles. And it not about sex. It is just where I can go where no one wants something from me.

Now I am going to be brutally honest here. You have major issues that you need to address on your own before doing anything else. Getting in another relationship will not solve your problems but it will hide them for a while. What are you trying to teach your children about commitments in life? If you were to leave your husband to work on your problems, then a child could understand that things are not well but at least the adults are trying to behave like grown ups. If you just jump into another relationship you will just act like a high school girl that jumps from one date to another.
You also have to realize that this man that you are seeing has major issues on his own, if he did not he would not be spending time with a married woman that also has children. He is jeopardizing your well being and the well being of your children.
You are mature enough and intelligent enough to know that you need help, that is evident from the fact that you were getting the support of a therapist. You also appear to be considerate about the well being of others and especially your children, I can see that because you are willing to stay in a marriage that you find extremely difficult for the sake of your younger child. Now it is time for you to really face your inner difficulties and support your kids with the energies that you have left, and you have to do that whether you stay married or you get a divorce. However, the mistake of leaning on another man that has issues is not the solution, you already tried that when you choose your present husband.

[Debora123]

Cviolette, I am very confused by your posts.

Not just by your posts on this thread, but by those on other threads as well... and the way they clash and contradict each other.
Several months ago, you wrote an entire thread about marital infidelity on your part, and about having a sexual addiction.

On another recent thread, you revealed that you've undergone a couple expensive plastic surgery procedures to bring your body back to its "pre pregnancy" form.

Yet on this thread you claim to have done everything you could to save your marriage and that it's simply your husband that has stopped trying. You claim that you have no decent job and not much money and that your husband isn't generous with his income.

But wait a minute... how have you done everything you could to try to save your marriage if you have issues with infidelity and addiction? How did you find the money for multiple plastic surgeries if your husband doesn't care to share his earnings with you??

And now you drop another bombshell that you have a "friend" who you are in love with?

With all this going on, you still claim to be the victim in all of this and that your husband is to blame for your marriage falling apart.

Can you see how this is not making much sense to me?

And perhaps I'm missing some big, BIG pieces of the puzzle here, so I'm sorry for putting you on the spot. But I hope you can realize that either this is coming off to us in the completely wrong way, or you have some serious issues that you NEED to deal with asap before making any life changing decisions.

I know this may have sounded harsh, but I do mean it in all charity. Seeing marriages end and families fall apart is extremely sad for me, and I hope and pray that these issues can be worked out.

Gold bless.

[mgoforth]

Originally Posted by cviolette

It's hard. Right now, his place is my safe place. When I need to escape my troubles. And it not about sex. It is just where I can go where no one wants something from me.

I do understand and I'm praying for you. Try to make God your safe place first by honoring His commandments, and trust that He will provide for your needs.

Psalm 4 (emphasis mine)

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer.
O sons of men, how long will my honor become a reproach?
How long will you love what is worthless and aim at deception? Selah.
But know that the Lord has set apart the godly man (woman in your case ) for Himself;
The Lord hears when I call to Him.
Tremble, and do not sin;
Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.
Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And trust in the Lord.
Many are saying, “ Who will show us any good?”
Lift up the light of Your countenance upon us, O Lord!
You have put gladness in my heart,
More than when their grain and new wine abound.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep,
For You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety.

Peace and love to you, cviolette.

[cviolette]

Originally Posted by Debora123

Cviolette, I am very confused by your posts.

Not just by your posts on this thread, but by those on other threads as well... and the way they clash and contradict each other.
Several months ago, you wrote an entire thread about marital infidelity on your part, and about having a sexual addiction.

On another recent thread, you revealed that you've undergone a couple expensive plastic surgery procedures to bring your body back to its "pre pregnancy" form.

Yet on this thread you claim to have done everything you could to save your marriage and that it's simply your husband that has stopped trying. You claim that you have no decent job and not much money and that your husband isn't generous with his income.

But wait a minute... how have you done everything you could to try to save your marriage if you have issues with infidelity and addiction? How did you find the money for multiple plastic surgeries if your husband doesn't care to share his earnings with you??

And now you drop another bombshell that you have a "friend" who you are in love with?

With all this going on, you still claim to be the victim in all of this and that your husband is to blame for your marriage falling apart.

Can you see how this is not making much sense to me?

And perhaps I'm missing some big, BIG pieces of the puzzle here, so I'm sorry for putting you on the spot. But I hope you can realize that either this is coming off to us in the completely wrong way, or you have some serious issues that you NEED to deal with asap before making any life changing decisions.

I know this may have sounded harsh, but I do mean it in all charity. Seeing marriages end and families fall apart is extremely sad for me, and I hope and pray that these issues can be worked out.

Gold bless.

It is more of a timeline thing.

10 years ago. Husband company that he started was partially bought out by investors. Huge bonus. High pay and cash settlement. Quit SW engineering job to raise the kids. Plastic surgery was 6 or 7 years ago when we still had money. Economy took a turn for the worse. My husband invested most of our money in real estate, blew a lot of it on trips and toys. Tried to save company. Invested out money, borrowed on credits. Things went bad. He is working for a different company. Good salary but we have a ton of credit card debt and several properties that need work and are not finished. Which is why I was forced to cash in my retirement money too.

A little over 1 1/2 ago, depression, affairs just totally messed up everything. Stopped the affairs. Went to therapy and worked on marriage. Gave up on marriage around last August. Wanted to try to get the second child in college and get more financially stable before leaving marriage. Fell in love with a friend making it harder to stay in the marriage. Right now I am in school and starting two jobs at the end of the month. Trying to get credit cards paid off and houses sold. I just want to leave marriage without debt not with any money.

I am definitely a big part of the problem. Does not take away from my husband's faults too.

I respond to the other posts later. Busy day.

[cviolette]

Originally Posted by Cristiano

Now I am going to be brutally honest here. You have major issues that you need to address on your own before doing anything else. Getting in another relationship will not solve your problems but it will hide them for a while. What are you trying to teach your children about commitments in life? If you were to leave your husband to work on your problems, then a child could understand that things are not well but at least the adults are trying to behave like grown ups. If you just jump into another relationship you will just act like a high school girl that jumps from one date to another.
You also have to realize that this man that you are seeing has major issues on his own, if he did not he would not be spending time with a married woman that also has children. He is jeopardizing your well being and the well being of your children.
You are mature enough and intelligent enough to know that you need help, that is evident from the fact that you were getting the support of a therapist. You also appear to be considerate about the well being of others and especially your children, I can see that because you are willing to stay in a marriage that you find extremely difficult for the sake of your younger child. Now it is time for you to really face your inner difficulties and support your kids with the energies that you have left, and you have to do that whether you stay married or you get a divorce. However, the mistake of leaning on another man that has issues is not the solution, you already tried that when you choose your present husband.

I understand what you are saying and I am sure that I need more therapy. Therapy is tough. I tend to get worse before better after sessions. It takes a lot out of me emotional and I have so much on my plate right now. I will need to start back up again but not yet. I need to be able to focus right now.

I am not going to divorce and bring my friend into my kids life. I plan on getting a place for just me and the children. Working through the divorce without adding any more stress to their lives. I know this is something that I have to go through by myself.

[cviolette]

Originally Posted by mgoforth

I do understand and I'm praying for you. Try to make God your safe place first by honoring His commandments, and trust that He will provide for your needs.

Psalm 4 (emphasis mine)

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer.
O sons of men, how long will my honor become a reproach?
How long will you love what is worthless and aim at deception? Selah.
But know that the Lord has set apart the godly man (woman in your case ) for Himself;
The Lord hears when I call to Him.
Tremble, and do not sin;
Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.
Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And trust in the Lord.
Many are saying, “ Who will show us any good?”
Lift up the light of Your countenance upon us, O Lord!
You have put gladness in my heart,
More than when their grain and new wine abound.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep,
For You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety.

Peace and love to you, cviolette.

Thank you. You are right. God should always be where I find peace and feel safe. I have a key to the church so I do spend time in church when I need peace. I will also go to the mass at a different parish when I need to be alone with God where people do not know me. God is my safe place but sometimes I need a person. Someone to just listen to me. It helps keep me sane.

[AthenaC]

Originally Posted by cviolette

Thank you. You are right. God should always be where I find peace and feel safe. I have a key to the church so I do spend time in church when I need peace. I will also go to the mass at a different parish when I need to be alone with God where people do not know me. God is my safe place but sometimes I need a person. Someone to just listen to me. It helps keep me sane.

Indeed. God is Love, and he did create us as social creatures. It is perfectly natural to reach out for another person, but it does help if you understand EXACTLY what you are doing (you need a human connection) and if the person you are reaching out to also understands EXACTLY what you need.

Recently, I actually heard from someone I used to "know" just shortly before my divorce. He asked me about my life now, whether I had remarried, whether I had finished school, whether I had a job, how my job was, all that stuff. After I basically told him how well I was doing, he basically said "Good. I was worried about you back then; it's good to hear you are doing well." I was speechless - you mean I was actually around people who cared about me but I didn't know it because I was so survival-focused?

Anyway, if you need a friend, focus on good people, and understand that you mainly need companionship; you may not necessarily need a boyfriend or relationship.

[cviolette]

Originally Posted by AthenaC

Indeed. God is Love, and he did create us as social creatures. It is perfectly natural to reach out for another person, but it does help if you understand EXACTLY what you are doing (you need a human connection) and if the person you are reaching out to also understands EXACTLY what you need.

Recently, I actually heard from someone I used to "know" just shortly before my divorce. He asked me about my life now, whether I had remarried, whether I had finished school, whether I had a job, how my job was, all that stuff. After I basically told him how well I was doing, he basically said "Good. I was worried about you back then; it's good to hear you are doing well." I was speechless - you mean I was actually around people who cared about me but I didn't know it because I was so survival-focused?

Anyway, if you need a friend, focus on good people, and understand that you mainly need companionship; you may not necessarily need a boyfriend or relationship.

I do think God puts good people in our lives to help us through the struggles, like the person you talk to. But unfortunately sometimes we are so caught up in our struggles that we miss these people.

I am focusing on the good people in my life and removing the bad influences. I now train by myself in the gym because my training partner was not a good situation. My time is pretty much focused on the kids and my career. I got rid of all the drama and craziness.