disappointing first communion experience for whole family

airforcefamily · #1 Jun 10, '12, 7:06 pm

Our oldest made her first communion a couple months ago and she (and I) are still upset over it. I'm not sure if I should bring it up to someone or not?

We live in the rural south so it's the only Catholic church around.

The church is really big and they had the kids sit in the center area, separate from their families. I assumed pews would be assigned or immediate family would be able to sit close enough to see but that was not the case. I had no idea that families arrived hours early to claim the close pews for cousins, aunts, family friends, etc. We ended just about as far away as possible. My husband is away and I have five little kids to care for so I wouldn't of had the luxury of claiming a pew at the crack of dawn anyway.

I missed it all. I couldn't leave the other kids in the far corner of the church to walk up and take pictures like other parents did. The other parents taking pictures in the aisles blocked my view completely. The only option I would have had to get a picture would have been to preorder a $100+ professional picture package, I would have had I known I would miss everything. I've asked around for pictures and I'm hoping to get one with her in it.

After all the kids went up and I realized I must have missed her I stood up to try and find her in the crowd of seated kids. I saw her, sobbing. I brought all the other kids over to comfort her. She was upset because she didn't even know we were there and the whole thing was scary for her when she felt so alone. I was ready to cry right along with her.

I missed her walking in, receiving her first communion, and walking out. She said after that she wanted to sit with me. Every other first communion I've been to (including my own) the children have sat at the end of the pew where their family is sitting. There were enough pews in the church to do that, why were the children separated from their families?

It was such a special once in a lifetime event for her and she spent it stressed over being alone and her family didn't get to see any of it. Cousins, aunts, and friends had close seats and were able to see everything while parents like me missed out while sitting in the back.

**adrift** · #2 Jun 10, '12, 7:11 pm

This is so sad.

I assume this was the first of your children to receive communion. Perhaps you could go to whoever is in charge and express what you did here. Will it do any good

I don't know but it might help another family.

I have never heard that pews weren't reserved for family members. I am so sorry. Try not to make it to much of a negative.

MrsFlapjack · #3 Jun 10, '12, 7:22 pm

That is extremely sad. You definitely need to speak to whomever was in charge of the seating arrangements. I have three children that have received First Communion and they ALWAYS asked how many family members were coming so they could get an idea as to how many pews needed to be reserved. What happened to you is not right and whoever made the arrangements needs to be set straight.

jilly4ski · #4 Jun 10, '12, 7:25 pm

hmm, it is a tough issue because it is a special event, but it is not a once in a lifetime event. She gets to receive the Eucharist every time she is at Mass, and that is something to celebrate.

When I made my first communion in the late 90s we did it like this. The first communicants sat up front and walked up the stairs to receive from the priest. We have no pictures of the actual event.

Does it bother me? No, I have pictures taken with my religion teachers that year, and then I have pictures at home with my dress and grandparents and parents and siblings.

I don't think I particularly knew where my parents were sitting as we must of had 20-30 first communicants that day and the Church was packed, pictures were not allowed. But I knew they were they as they were the ones that brought me to church. I was proud that I could sit by myself and behave in church without my parents supervision.

The fact that it has been several months and both you and her are still dwelling on is a problem, in my opinion. It was her first communion, but not her only one. I think you need to sit down with her and explain that while your first communion is special because it is your first, she gets to have that experience with Jesus every time she receives. Did you place too much emphasis on the pageantry over the sacrament? Or did the kids not get enough practice before hand, or is she an especially sensitive child, that she ended up crying after communion when she didn't see you? (I guess I am just confused why she ended up crying, as coming back from communion is not a time to be looking for people and catching their eye but reflecting on the sacrament).

(I apologies if this comes across as harsh or judgmental, it is not meant to be, I must just be tired and can't get my thoughts out there in a better manner).

HouseArrest · #5 Jun 10, '12, 7:26 pm

It is odd there wasn't any kind of practice the day or week before the event, or at the very least a paper sent home explaining the procedures.

airforcefamily · #6 Jun 10, '12, 7:53 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by jilly4ski

hmm, it is a tough issue because it is a special event, but it is not a once in a lifetime event. She gets to receive the Eucharist every time she is at Mass, and that is something to celebrate.

When I made my first communion in the late 90s we did it like this. The first communicants sat up front and walked up the stairs to receive from the priest. We have no pictures of the actual event.

Does it bother me? No, I have pictures taken with my religion teachers that year, and then I have pictures at home with my dress and grandparents and parents and siblings.

I don't think I particularly knew where my parents were sitting as we must of had 20-30 first communicants that day and the Church was packed, pictures were not allowed. But I knew they were they as they were the ones that brought me to church. I was proud that I could sit by myself and behave in church without my parents supervision.

The fact that it has been several months and both you and her are still dwelling on is a problem, in my opinion. It was her first communion, but not her only one. I think you need to sit down with her and explain that while your first communion is special because it is your first, she gets to have that experience with Jesus every time she receives. Did you place too much emphasis on the pageantry over the sacrament? Or did the kids not get enough practice before hand, or is she an especially sensitive child, that she ended up crying after communion when she didn't see you? (I guess I am just confused why she ended up crying, as coming back from communion is not a time to be looking for people and catching their eye but reflecting on the sacrament).

(I apologies if this comes across as harsh or judgmental, it is not meant to be, I must just be tired and can't get my thoughts out there in a better manner).

I get what you're saying about every time receiving communion being special but if the first communion wasn't special why would there be a whole big to do with special outfits, photographers, and so on? It is a special event. Being married every day doesn't make your wedding ceremony un-important.

It's not that too much emphasis was placed on it but she did fully understand that this was a special event.

She was crying because the entire time she didn't see anyone she knew among the couple hundred people in the church. That's a scary thing for a seven year old. She thought they ran out of seats (it was standing room only) and we had to leave. She felt completely alone. She's a sensitive child, which was part of it, but I can't help but think that she wouldn't have been upset had her immediate family been sitting where she could see them. She wanted to come sit with us but wasn't allowed to since the adults there had no idea where we might be.

There were just under 100 communicants, to put it in perspective. The church has more than 100 pews so they could have allowed the kids to sit with their parents. She goes to school there and I just assumed (having not been told anything to the contrary) that the ceremony would be more than just the kids in her class. I had no idea every Catholic seven or eight year old plus their extended family would be there.

They had a rehearsal the night before. It was for the child and one parent only. The children were required to attend (although, as I later found out, not all did). I tried to explain that I couldn't find a babysitter and would need to bring my other children. They said it was ok then asked how many 'other children' I had. I said four and that the one making her first communion was the eldest. They said no. Flat out 'don't come'. We're one of only a handful of 'large' families there with our five kids, the whole thing (and everything else there) was set up assuming two parents and maybe one or two other children besides the communicant.... but that's another thread.

I'm certainly not dwelling on it but it is upsetting when I think of it. It's upsetting for my daughter too. She's still scared to go up for communion. She says when she starts walking up she thinks about the first time she went and how scary it was. I brought it up here today because I was looking through the pictures trying to find a good one to send to my husband, who couldn't be there and is still away. She was trying to help me find one she would want to send but the only ones where she's visible are the ones where the ones we took after where her eyes are red from crying.

Picture technically were not allowed from anywhere other than your seat but that didn't stop parent from blocking everyone's view. You said at your first communion you walked up the stairs. They didn't do anything like that. They had several eucharistic ministers standing up front just like a regular mass to get the kids through as quickly as possible. They should have had the kids go up the stairs one or two at a time so their families could see and it would feel like the special moment that it was.

cmscms · #7 Jun 10, '12, 8:09 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by airforcefamily

They had a rehearsal the night before. It was for the child and one parent only. The children were required to attend (although, as I later found out, not all did). I tried to explain that I couldn't find a babysitter and would need to bring my other children. They said it was ok then asked how many 'other children' I had. I said four and that the one making her first communion was the eldest. They said no. Flat out 'don't come'. .

Ok, I have a reputation of not having a lot of tolerance for kids crying during mass, but I must say I am TOTALLY in agreement with you. What else does this church think??????? Of course you will have 4 other kids ! First communion is for 7 years olds and therefor the dynamics dictate a lot of other kids will be there. I am shocked they didn't have volunteers for a kids room for the younger ones !!!!!

Not to mention a Catholic church should deligth in large families !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you think it could save another kid from going through it, definetly bring it up to the priest. Politely make a suggestion.

However, it is a done deal and God always turns bad into good. I know this is NOT when you want your daughter to learn one of life's lessons, but perhaps it would be a good time to teach her 'There was a Judas among the 12 apostles' and try and show her how God is stronger than humans and to not let other people's poor behaviour rip her away from God

CM

Kathryn Ann · #8 Jun 10, '12, 8:12 pm

Oh, I am so sorry things turned out this way! How upsetting for the dear child. She sounds lovely and like a very sweet and sensitive young lady.

This may make you feel better: Even though my grand-daughter's First Holy Communion had pre- arranged seating charts, etc, we ended up not in seats near the center aisle but way to the side! We were thank God, just able to see her as she received, and had telephoto camera lenses, but I do understand your experience was quite different.

May I suggest the following: Ask if the priest will have his photo taken with her in her Communion dress on another Sunday. Also, take a few photos while the church is empty. Have friends and/or family help you take additional photos in front of the church, at home, etc.

Have a special celebration all your own, dinner at home or out. One restaurant we went to after my Grand-daughter's big day actually brought in a large framed photo of the child and put it in the center of the table.

Before you say that's too expensive: I take photos of my own and go to the local copy shop where they make them as big as I want. For my daughter's wedding I took some photos of my own as well as having a pro.

Before the wedding my daughter sat for photos I took of her in our house, in her lovely bridal gown and veil. I had one made up to a 12 x 16 color copy, on thin paper. I decoupaged the photo to a huge piece of wood which I'd painted white beforehand, then after decoupaging the paper photo copy onto the wood, I painted a little light pink around the edges. A simple frame/mounting kit is all you need after that.

A photo that size from a professional photographer, mounted and framed, would be many hundreds of dollars. Mine is a work of art and cost twenty dollars to make something that will last longer than most photos.

MINI PHOTOS: You can have many "mini photos" made of your own photos too. We downloaded six of our favorites, sent them to the local copy place by attachment and they sized them down to fit six on one color page. We could have fit twice that many if we wanted to. If you have them copied onto white cardstock, you can have lots of fun making them into home made note cards made of the same white cardstock. The result is lovely. Children can help make these with a little guidance.
(Note: these have to be your own photos. Don't take a professional's photos and have them photo copied, as they have a copyright on their own work.)

And tell your dear daughter that sometimes the angels have to squeeze in to see too, but our Dear Lord Jesus and our Heavenly Father see all from above! Years from now, if you can have a "re-do" photo op now, she will at least have the assurance that you cared enough to "try try again."

Love and best wishes,
Kathryn Ann

St Francis · #9 Jun 10, '12, 8:39 pm

I would definitely speak with the pastor and with the school about it. Pick a few of the most important points, and write them down. That way you will have something to refer to (I always forget all the points I want to make!)

The set-up of the seating and the inability to deal with large families should be top priority, I would say, esp if there are lots of military families (who may only have one parent available).

Our rehearsals happened during class time so all the children would have a good understanding of what would happen and what to do, altho there weren't all the other people there.

I would also suggest that if they are going to have so many First Communicants that they hire or assign a photographer and enforce the no-photos rule. Or else not allow photos of the receiving, which is a point at which people should be paying attention to Christ rather than to photos, and have photos after.

I do hope that your daughter feels better about all this soon.

Annie

katoligim · #10 Jun 10, '12, 9:30 pm

God bless you and your husband for having so many children and making such sacrifices. When your daughter is grown, she may not remember her First Communion negatively, but she will treasure her brother and sisters more than anything. You have done her such a favor by bringing her siblings into the world, and the sacrifices demanded by having a large family, though extremely frustrating, will prove well worth it!

**Joe 5859** · #11 Jun 10, '12, 9:51 pm

That is unfortunate that you and your daughter had such a negative experience.

I definitely recommend bringing it to the attention of the pastor / DRE / whoever was in charge of the First Communion preparation. Oftentimes, parishes do things a certain way because "that's how it's always been done." If no one voices any displeasure with the way it is done, how are they to know that the current set up isn't working? They need to hear feedback so they can make adjustments in the future.

Of course, we don't want to come off as though we are just griping. The tone of your OP seems right to me, though, so I'm sure you'd handle it just fine.

mandajane · #12 Jun 10, '12, 10:57 pm

Every church I've been to a First Communion Celebration at has had each child in their own pew, with the entire pew reserved for their family. They also didn't do so many children at one mass. It's usually 10-12. One year there were so many children they did them in shifts over the various masses on the weekend.

I would DEFINITELY take this to your pastor. You should have at least been notified about the seating arrangements, and the fact that somethig that should have been a WONDERFUL experience for your family instead turned into a source of stress for you and fear for your daughter is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable.

ryecroft · #13 Jun 11, '12, 2:05 am

This was very sad... I don't know if this is an option or not but the worst the priest can say is "no" - my dad is air force and was getting our stuff moved to japan when I was supposed to do my 1st Communion. Because he didn't get to be there, they let us (and it was at a large Church with a school) and a couple of other families have a kind of 2nd 1st Communion where I got to wear my dress again and my Dad got to see me. I didn't even want to go to the 1st one because I wanted both of my parents there. Even if they don't let you do this, you can always let her dress up again (which I bet she would LOVE to do) and go to the Church and take a couple of pictures. If your Pirest is understanding he might even let her take Communion (especially if it's after a daily AM mass) and you can get a picture of her or a picture of her with the Priest or even one of her just up on the alter.
And of course she'd know this is going to Daddy so it might make it even a little more exciting.
God Bless
Rye

Cinette · #14 Jun 11, '12, 2:14 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by airforcefamily

Our oldest made her first communion a couple months ago and she (and I) are still upset over it. I'm not sure if I should bring it up to someone or not?

We live in the rural south so it's the only Catholic church around.

The church is really big and they had the kids sit in the center area, separate from their families. I assumed pews would be assigned or immediate family would be able to sit close enough to see but that was not the case. I had no idea that families arrived hours early to claim the close pews for cousins, aunts, family friends, etc. We ended just about as far away as possible. My husband is away and I have five little kids to care for so I wouldn't of had the luxury of claiming a pew at the crack of dawn anyway.

I missed it all. I couldn't leave the other kids in the far corner of the church to walk up and take pictures like other parents did. The other parents taking pictures in the aisles blocked my view completely. The only option I would have had to get a picture would have been to preorder a $100+ professional picture package, I would have had I known I would miss everything. I've asked around for pictures and I'm hoping to get one with her in it.

After all the kids went up and I realized I must have missed her I stood up to try and find her in the crowd of seated kids. I saw her, sobbing. I brought all the other kids over to comfort her. She was upset because she didn't even know we were there and the whole thing was scary for her when she felt so alone. I was ready to cry right along with her.

I missed her walking in, receiving her first communion, and walking out. She said after that she wanted to sit with me. Every other first communion I've been to (including my own) the children have sat at the end of the pew where their family is sitting. There were enough pews in the church to do that, why were the children separated from their families?

It was such a special once in a lifetime event for her and she spent it stressed over being alone and her family didn't get to see any of it. Cousins, aunts, and friends had close seats and were able to see everything while parents like me missed out while sitting in the back.

This is a wonderful occasion but it is not about taking pictures. It is about her experience and what is in her heart - that is the most important. You sound like a very involved Mother and that is wonderful but do not agonize about it too much and remind your daughter just how special it is to receive the Body and Blood of Jesus.

Irishmom2 · #15 Jun 11, '12, 5:50 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by airforcefamily

The church is really big and they had the kids sit in the center area, separate from their families. This is how it was done when I was a child 47 years ago. It is the way it is done in my current parish also. It is really not uncommon. After all, it is a special day, one that the communicants separate from their parents on their journey of faith.

I missed it all. I couldn't leave the other kids in the far corner of the church to walk up and take pictures like other parents did. The other parents taking pictures in the aisles blocked my view completely. The only option I would have had to get a picture would have been to preorder a $100+ professional picture package, I would have had I known I would miss everything. I've asked around for pictures and I'm hoping to get one with her in it. Unfortunately, there will always be parents that think they are above the rules. Be glad that you did not model this behavior for you other children to see.

After all the kids went up and I realized I must have missed her I stood up to try and find her in the crowd of seated kids. I saw her, sobbing. I brought all the other kids over to comfort her. She was upset because she didn't even know we were there and the whole thing was scary for her when she felt so alone. I was ready to cry right along with her.You are a loving and sensitive mother. Of course it hurt you to see your child in tears.

It was such a special once in a lifetime event for her and she spent it stressed over being alone and her family didn't get to see any of it. Cousins, aunts, and friends had close seats and were able to see everything while parents like me missed out while sitting in the back.

All I can say is now that it is over, please try not to emphasize the negative aspects to her. As she is your first child to receive Holy Communion, it is important for you to set the example to her that it was not about being seen-you know she was there, it was not about the photos, it was about her receiving Communion. Not everything needs to be photographed at that moment- the memory will be there whether you have a photo or not. As other suggested, a photo with the priest another Sunday will make all of you forget the bad part of the experience. Assure your child that this photo is much better than the one you would have gotten even if you had better seats. Because you know, it will be!

The next three quotes show that there is not just one way of doing things. No way is right, it is all open to personal preference.

Quote:

Originally Posted by adrift

I have never heard that pews weren't reserved for family members. I am so sorry. Try not to make it to much of a negative.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrsFlapjack

I have three children that have received First Communion and they ALWAYS asked how many family members were coming so they could get an idea as to how many pews needed to be reserved. What happened to you is not right and whoever made the arrangements needs to be set straight.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jilly4ski

hmm, it is a tough issue because it is a special event, but it is not a once in a lifetime event. She gets to receive the Eucharist every time she is at Mass, and that is something to celebrate.

When I made my first communion in the late 90s we did it like this. The first communicants sat up front and walked up the stairs to receive from the priest. We have no pictures of the actual event.

Does it bother me? No, I have pictures taken with my religion teachers that year, and then I have pictures at home with my dress and grandparents and parents and siblings.

I don't think I particularly knew where my parents were sitting as we must of had 20-30 first communicants that day and the Church was packed, pictures were not allowed. But I knew they were they as they were the ones that brought me to church. I was proud that I could sit by myself and behave in church without my parents supervision.

The fact that it has been several months and both you and her are still dwelling on is a problem, in my opinion. I agree. As the parent, you need to assure her that everything is all right and that the day was more than the ceremony and the photos. It was her first communion, but not her only one. I think you need to sit down with her and explain that while your first communion is special because it is your first, she gets to have that experience with Jesus every time she receives. Did you place too much emphasis on the pageantry over the sacrament? Or did the kids not get enough practice before hand, or is she an especially sensitive child, that she ended up crying after communion when she didn't see you? (I guess I am just confused why she ended up crying, as coming back from communion is not a time to be looking for people and catching their eye but reflecting on the sacrament).

(I apologies if this comes across as harsh or judgmental, it is not meant to be, I must just be tired and can't get my thoughts out there in a better manner).

Quote:

Originally Posted by airforcefamily

She was crying because the entire time she didn't see anyone she knew among the couple hundred people in the church. That's a scary thing for a seven year old. She thought they ran out of seats (it was standing room only) and we had to leave. She felt completely alone. She's a sensitive child, which was part of it, but I can't help but think that she wouldn't have been upset had her immediate family been sitting where she could see them. She wanted to come sit with us but wasn't allowed to since the adults there had no idea where we might be. Bolding is mine.I think that this may have been why this has caused both of you such distress. I am sorry that her/your day went this way for you.

There were just under 100 communicants, to put it in perspective. The church has more than 100 pews so they could have allowed the kids to sit with their parents. She goes to school there and I just assumed (having not been told anything to the contrary) that the ceremony would be more than just the kids in her class. I had no idea every Catholic seven or eight year old plus their extended family would be there. But why wouldn't they all be there?

I'm certainly not dwelling on it but it is upsetting when I think of it. It's upsetting for my daughter too. She's still scared to go up for communion. She says when she starts walking up she thinks about the first time she went and how scary it was. Perhaps you could arrange a meeting with your pastor and she may find it less scary after she is familiar with him. And maybe go up to Communion with her knowing that you are right ahead of her or behind her.

Picture technically were not allowed from anywhere other than your seat but that didn't stop parent from blocking everyone's view. You said at your first communion you walked up the stairs. They didn't do anything like that. They had several eucharistic ministers standing up front just like a regular mass to get the kids through as quickly as possible. They should have had the kids go up the stairs one or two at a time so their families could see and it would feel like the special moment that it was.I agree. The first time, they should have been able to go all the way up to the altar, one at a time. It does seem like they were in a hurry to rush things through.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kathryn Ann

May I suggest the following: Ask if the priest will have his photo taken with her in her Communion dress on another Sunday. Also, take a few photos while the church is empty. Have friends and/or family help you take additional photos in front of the church, at home, etc. This is an excellent way to make the best of the situation!

Have a special celebration all your own, dinner at home or out. When dad is back home! One restaurant we went to after my Grand-daughter's big day actually brought in a large framed photo of the child and put it in the center of the table.

And tell your dear daughter that sometimes the angels have to squeeze in to see too, but our Dear Lord Jesus and our Heavenly Father see all from above! Beautiful thought Kathryn Ann!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cinette

This is a wonderful occasion but it is not about taking pictures. It is about her experience and what is in her heart - that is the most important. You sound like a very involved Mother and that is wonderful but do not agonize about it too much and remind your daughter just how special it is to receive the Body and Blood of Jesus.

Yes! This!