Honesty/disclosure to adult children - Page 3

maryjk · #31 Jun 12, '12, 6:33 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilyM

No you don't have to give complete disclosure. But neither do you have to lie.

And there is a big difference between the two.

I have no problem with saying, I am sorry, but that isn't really any of your business. Verses out and out lying.

If you do lie, what do you say if they find out the truth? Okay, I lived with my husband for almost 2 years before we got married. People know this. My family, his family, all of our friends from that time, know this. It WILL get out, If I have lied to my son about living with his father, and my son later finds out the truth, what do you say? It is one thing to say my sins are in the past, it is quite another to continue to sin by lying right to his face.

**SamH** · #32 Jun 12, '12, 7:30 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

How do you handle direct questions from your older teens or adult children? Our older son has never asked me direct questions like that. I can't lie, so I guess I'm going to need to come up with some kind of way to deal with it. What if he asks if I was a virgin before we got married?

Is it better to just be open about your mistakes? I really don't want him to think of me as the loser I've been! It's painful to think that all the things I am telling him NOT to do, I've done and then some!

While not a "mistake" I was shocked to learn that my mother got engaged to my father while she was still in high school. They were not married until my father returned from the Korean War so she was 20 on her wedding day. It was something that she just didn't tell us when we were growing up. She said she was chastized by the nuns at her school for getting engaged so young and not even considering college. It was a bit scandalous for the day and I'm sure several people thought she was pregnant at first. My sisters wish she would have left that little secret in the closet as they've long held my mom up as a woman their daughters should emulate.

On the other hand my father dropped out of school in 8th grade (probably how he got drafted first round for Korea when he was 18). It was never kept from us growing up and he would use his experiances as a reason we should get a college education (even though he wasn't willing to help pay for it).

AnneTeresa · #33 Jun 12, '12, 3:14 pm

I think perhaps your own feelings are getting in the way. You say you don't want him to know what a "loser" you were. Perhaps you could try to step back from your own feelings and think about what is best for HIM. Will it help him or hurt him to know the truth?

Personally, I would go for honesty in the case of a direct question. I would not lie or even cover up--how could that be right? If he asks if you were a virgin, tell the truth and include what you learned from it. And tell him you hope he doesn't decide to learn the hard way like you did (but don't be surprised, he will have to learn many things on his own regardless of what you tell him).

Everyone who has kids has to deal with this at some point. Just pray about it, do your best, and let God handle it. That's all we can do anyway.

TheRealJuliane · #34 Jun 12, '12, 4:04 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by SamH

While not a "mistake" I was shocked to learn that my mother got engaged to my father while she was still in high school. They were not married until my father returned from the Korean War so she was 20 on her wedding day. It was something that she just didn't tell us when we were growing up. She said she was chastized by the nuns at her school for getting engaged so young and not even considering college. It was a bit scandalous for the day and I'm sure several people thought she was pregnant at first. My sisters wish she would have left that little secret in the closet as they've long held my mom up as a woman their daughters should emulate.

On the other hand my father dropped out of school in 8th grade (probably how he got drafted first round for Korea when he was 18). It was never kept from us growing up and he would use his experiances as a reason we should get a college education (even though he wasn't willing to help pay for it).

I guess I don't quite understand how getting engaged while in high school and then waiting to marry until your intended returns from war is in any way not honorable. What do you sisters think it suggests about your mom? I think it says a young couple who knew what they wanted but had to wait for it. I am glad your dad DID come home to marry your mom!

My dad only went to school through the 8th grade too. He was a farm boy and it wasn't unusual for farm boys to quit before high school. The funny thing about it was, that he could understand and work out my math homework, even AP algebra and geometry, although he couldn't show all the steps like we had to. I think his 8th grade education probably lined up pretty well with my high school diploma. Since he grew up during the Depression, he didn't really ever understand higher education, he believed in the value of hard work and getting a good job that would support yourself.

I never got a chance to ask my mom about her life. She'd have had stories to tell, if she chose to tell them. I know about her family history now and it was

I wonder if she would have been honest with me, had she lived.