Why Has God Let So Many Be Single In This Day In Age?

[wasserfall]

Originally Posted by AFHGOLD

Also some Catholic girls are a little too hardcore for me, for example one girl said she is against having a TV in her house because it is the devils toy and she just wants to be a stay at home mom and have at least 7 or more children. My thoughts were ummm this is ok I guess in another lifetime but that’s not what I want either. I am just an average American guy who wants a normal Catholic girl to live out the faith with and also live out life’s adventures with. I am a pretty serious Catholic, but I am not dry and not so hardcore where I won’t have a TV and all I want to do is pump out child after child and go on welfare in this bad economy.

Two things:

1) You apparently want a TV more than you want a wife. I suppose that's your choice to make, but maybe you should stop complaining since you already have what is really important to you.

2) It really doesn't matter how many children your wife wants or you want. If you are a faithful Catholic couple, you will have just as many children as God sees fit to give you.

2a) Your comment about going on welfare is not only factually incorrect, it is offensive. I know families with moderate incomes and 7 children. They are not on welfare.

[cc42]

Maybe pray to St. Raphael or St. Joseph

[ExCatholicGuy]

Originally Posted by ConstantineTG

You want to marry a woman who doesn't want TV in her home, and here you are both on the internet?

Um, well, you see, I'm just...um...patrolling the internet to make a list of all the bad sites I don't want my future wife to visit...yeah, that's it....

[trdchubi]

To the OP

My brother in Christ, know that Patience is a virtue. Always remember God saying “Not yet” is not a “NO”.

I suggest you focus on Christ as you actively participate in your ministries. I suspect that you were there for the wrong reasons like all men and women do in general. Believe me I was there once and it didn't work.

God knows your heart. He knows very well all your needs. It is Jesus who said “Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things (including a loving wife) will be added unto you”. He also said “Seek and you shall find; Knock and it will be opened to you”.

Me and my friends lived by these verses. We grew and matured in Christ learning who he was and is in our lives today. We build our relationships with God first until each one of us were ready for marriage to the girl of our dreams.

[504Katrin]

Maybe - I don't know - but maybe if you stop praying for a spouse someone will come along? G-d knows what you want anyways. I stopped praying for a spouse, and I found someone I'm interested in. Thing is, he used to be Catholic and left church, got excommunicated by his own choice so to speak. This was very difficult for me and the guy is now out of the discussion. Not sure why I found him in the first place, but our Father has His reasons

I don't watch TV either but I have one cause when football season starts I must watch my Saints.

[Deo Gratias42]

I don't see the issue with a hardcore catholic wife. I would think a woman who is open to life who doesn't want to NFP as Catholic contraception would be refreshing given the prevalent contraceptive attitude taken over in society.

[In Spiration]

Originally Posted by ExCatholicGuy

Get in line...

Oh, OK. I see how it is then.

Well, fine. As thus far there are but two of us in line, we shall have to settle this dispute like gentlemen of honor in the only fair way I know. In other words, we shall have to engage in a good, ol' fashioned duel -- either with guns, or by hand. And when I say "by hand," I mean, naturally, through a battle of Rock-Paper-Scissors. Now, assuming you prefer the latter course (that is, assuming that you're sane and, also, that I haven't rather unwittingly just gotten myself into a jam of regrettable proportion), you go ahead and start. Make your move first, guy.

Originally Posted by ConstantineTG

You want to marry a woman who doesn't want TV in her home, and here you are both on the internet?

Whoa. Hey, look bro', I resent this remark, and -- guess what -- I choose to take offense at it. As a matter of fact, gentleman that I am (see above), you seem to have forced me into a position in which I find myself compelled to defend both name and honor. Hmmm, but how, you ask? Ah, I've got just the thing.

We shall have to engage in a good, ol' fashioned duel. . .

[In Spiration]

Originally Posted by AFHGOLD

I have been praying for a wife for years now and I want to know why God has not sent me in path with a spouse. I am no longer in my 20’s and I have been growing really close in my Catholic faith, going to confession at least once a month if not more, and taking the Eucharist every week as a Catholic should. I have been working heavily on myself for years now to be a good spouse.

Good, solid stuff. My only, very minor quibble -- which is likely just a misunderstanding of an innocuous comment, but I'll make it nonetheless -- would be that "virtue is its own reward". Hopefully your reason for such spiritual excellence is ad majorem Dei gloriam and not merely ad majorem femina spectabilem. (I'll note that you're currently on a better track than me, so that I don't sound like some sort of holier-than-thou religious pedant.)

Through my years of prayer I have heard nothing from God, not a single calling and I want to know why?

Sounds to me like you feel a definite calling toward marriage. The difficulty of the pursuit doesn't necessarily bear on the legitimacy of the vocation. Au contraire!

Non Catholic girls are so hard to date because first off all, all they do is play head games and I am little too old for that, plus there is so much pressure to sleep and have sex with a non- Catholic girl because if you don’t pursue them sexually they will just sleep with another guy in their ridiculous games. I thank the Lord every day that he has given me the strength in my older years to see past this and wait for sex now and the goal is until marriage!!!!

Wow, that sounds unusually rough -- even more so than I'd expect, and I'm a notorious cynic with a substantial misanthropic streak. If it's any consolation (and, let's be honest, it's not, at all), you do have my empathy.

My take: What I observe personally is that girls, whether Catholic or not, have an innate expectation and desire to be sexually sought after by men, specifically the ones to whom they're attracted, as you surely know. Due to the expectation, they can then frequently (and a little understandably) feel doubt about their own level of attractiveness, which tends to skew the natural balance of power in any relationship, especially if the girl ends up initiating intimacy herself and/or making sexual moves first. There will always be something a bit contrary-to-instinct about a man not making basically lustful advances on a woman; and since female power is typically sexual while male power is supposed to compensate via exclusive resource-based (food, support, protection, etc.) dominance and the like, I find that women can get a little insecure over their perceived status or control. This sometimes causes them to be less trusting and more eager to regain the loss in sexual control through some other means, causing unanticipated tension between you. (In light of that, it's probably wise to express overt physical attraction for her in alternative, non-misleading, non-sin-tempting ways if possible.)

Dating Catholic girls is fine because I love their faith, but I met so many Catholic women that I am just not even remotely physically attracted too, and it’s not just the physical attraction, it is the emotional and mental connection as well. I have talked to a few attractive ones over the phone when meeting them online, but there was just no connection at all!!!

Again, I sympathize. While I think culturally-ingrained feminism, surplus of men in modern societies, and even widespread obesity, etc., alter the overall playing field, along with the attractive-woman-to-man ratio, toward a disadvantage for guys (in the West at least), I'm sure the "Lower Your Standards!" advice is still applicable to a noteworthy extent, on some honest level, even if I scoff at it with entitled stubbornness most times. (And indeed I do -- as, yeah, I could argue that, due to Beyonce-inspired "independent ladies" coupled with heavier male visual-orientation in a fast-food nation, the quality of the average woman in this country has declined even more drastically than that of the average man).

Also some Catholic girls are a little too hardcore for me, for example one girl said she is against having a TV in her house because it is the devils toy and she just wants to be a stay at home mom and have at least 7 or more children. My thoughts were ummm this is ok I guess in another lifetime but that’s not what I want either. I am just an average American guy who wants a normal Catholic girl to live out the faith with and also live out life’s adventures with. I am a pretty serious Catholic, but I am not dry and not so hardcore where I won’t have a TV and all I want to do is pump out child after child and go on welfare in this bad economy.

I believe I've already addressed this.

So I pray and I pray and still yet nothing, no signs, no call, no anything. I even asked God if I should just be a priest if that is my vocation. After thinking that over and over again the very thought of being a priest just made me cringe with a bad taste in my mouth. No offense to anyone out there on the priesthood it’s just not the kind of Job on this earth I truly can’t see myself doing which tells me that this probably isn’t a calling for me.

I figure if priesthood is out, then likewise with brotherhood. Therefore, like I stated earlier, your call is crystal clear, i.e., at least in general. In particular, it's, well, much less so, but that's unfortunately par for the course in the modern life of a devout, practicing Catholic in an ideologically-manufactured secular world of corrosive education, mass media, etc. Your only options are: either (a) deal with it; or else (b) move abroad. (I hear the Philippines is nice and Catholic this time of year.)

I know this post is long but it is my deepest desire to find an amazing mate to go through life with. I have prayed hard for years, and have not received an answer and I want to know why? I want to know why God has not even put anyone in my path for years now that has not even been close to being a possible marriage prospect, why?

Does God not say, "It is better for man to not be alone." I always cling on to this verse when I pray to God for a spouse.

Yes, but I'm afraid He also says, more vehemently, "If any man will follow me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Mark 8:34, w/emphasis mine).

And could I please receive some prayers as well to meet a future spouse who will fit me in this journey of life?

Done and done. Now if you meet your wife tomorrow, you will doubtless owe me a comparable one (meaning you might wanna opt for a girl who has a sweet sister).

Originally Posted by LotusCarsLtd

Trust me, I've tried for years with little luck. Even when there are tons of available Catholic women around me, trying to get an attraction outta them is like trying to get, I dunno, a zebra to shed it's stripes...

Not if, aiming at their romantic favor, you win a fearsome duel with a worthy competitor while a sizable group of them stands on the sideline and watches in woo-inducing suspense.

Originally Posted by 504Katrin

Maybe - I don't know - but maybe if you stop praying for a spouse someone will come along? G-d knows what you want anyways. I stopped praying for a spouse, and I found someone I'm interested in. Thing is, he used to be Catholic and left church, got excommunicated by his own choice so to speak. This was very difficult for me and the guy is now out of the discussion. Not sure why I found him in the first place, but our Father has His reasons

Matthew 15:30-32

And there came to him great multitudes, having with them the dumb, the blind, the lame, the maimed, and many others: and they cast them down at his feet, and he healed them: So that the multitudes marvelled seeing the dumb speak, the lame walk, the blind see: and they glorified the God of Israel. And Jesus called together his disciples, and said: I have compassion on the multitudes, because they continue with me now three days, and have not what to eat, and I will not send them away fasting, lest they faint in the way.

Luke 11:5-8

And he said to them: Which of you shall have a friend and shall go to him at midnight and shall say to him: Friend, lend me three loaves, because a friend of mine has come off his journey to me and I have not what to set before him. And he from within should answer and say: Trouble me not; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot rise and give you. Yet if he shall continue knocking, I say to you, although he will not rise and give him because he is his friend; yet, because of his importunity, he will rise and give him as many as he needs.

[jumpfrog]

You asked about "this day and age". Well, not too long ago, people like my parents got married to obtain sexual access and to become independent of parents. Those reasons don't really apply anymore. If they still did, there would be a lot more people 'settling down' even if they had to 'settle' for someone less than 'superspouse'.

I think many men and women have very unrealistic expectations of who they should consider as a mate, and are waiting for someone out of their league in a variety of aspects not just looks or income etc.

If you are really seeking marriage, well there should be little problem since there are so many people out there who are looking. But I think people are overly focused on the individual facets of a person as being deal breakers. If you reject someone out of hand cause they hate tv...I hate tv too. I never watch it. But it wouldn't be dealbreaker for me if someone liked it. That would be a silly criterion.

[TiggerS]

Very often discerning "the why" of God in what He permits is like asking "Why is a piece of string as long as a piece of string?" This side of Heaven, we simply cannot know for sure. Incidentally, I chose the single state, it was not forced on me. I simply do not have a religious vocation, nor a call to a Third Order nor Secular Institute etc. nor a vocation to marriage - but I do experience a call and vocation to the single state - and confirmed by spiritual direction, which is ongoing today. Our Baptism is a call and vocation to follow Jesus and His Gospel as faithful Catholics. It is a call to holiness and to sanctity through Jesus and His Gospel, The Church.

[LotusCarsLtd]

Originally Posted by In Spiration

Not if, aiming at their romantic favor, you win a fearsome duel with a worthy competitor while a sizable group of them stands on the sideline and watches in woo-inducing suspense.

Slight problem: I have no means of approaching the numerous women in my area, since I have no "in" to get their attention. Without that "in", it makes it difficult to be able to get a woman's attention. Whenever I've tried randomly approaching women I find attractive (based on my experience) it seems that I am perceived as "creepy", "desperate", or "weird".

As for looks, I will give some guys some advice: the perfect woman for you may not, at first glance, be attractive to you. I had this happen before: several times I've met women who I didn't find attractive at first, but who became attractive when I got to know them. Don't outright reject a woman because she isn't initially attractive to you.

EDIT: What I find ironic about my dating problem is that, according to my boss, I apparently handle rejection very well (I work in sales). Yeah, it seems that way, but I definitely don't handle it well internally. I try hiding it behind a happy-looking façade to fool people.

[Crescentinus]

The whole "lower your standards" advice had shown to have disastrous effects.

[Robertanthony]

Originally Posted by Crescentinus

The whole "lower your standards" advice had shown to have disastrous effects.

How so? I guess it would depend in what measure it's done. Physically, if you're attracted to tall, slim ladies with dark complexion, a 5'0 foot tall, 200 lbs woman with a pasty white skin might not be a good compromise. Could you expand?


Years ago I was watching some programme on tv, there was this psychologist who talked about marriage and relationships. He said some of the men who were in therapy with their girlfriends would often confide in him one on one afterwards: "She's a 5, I want a 7 or an 8". In those cases, that's what kept guys from commitment. Marriage, esp. Catholic, is a long-term commitment, you're looking at 40-50 years with the same person, you gotta enter marriage with a reasonable assurance that you're making the right choice!

[Crescentinus]

Originally Posted by Robertanthony

How so? I guess it would depend in what measure it's done. Physically, if you're attracted to tall, slim ladies with dark complexion, a 5'0 foot tall, 200 lbs woman with a pasty white skin might not be a good compromise. Could you expand?


Years ago I was watching some programme on tv, there was this psychologist who talked about marriage and relationships. He said some of the men who were in therapy with their girlfriends would often confide in him : "She's a 5, I want a 7 or a 8". In those cases, that's what kept guys from commitment. Marriage, esp. Catholic, is a long-term commitment, you're looking at 40-50 years with the same person, you gotta enter marriage with a reasonable assurance that you're making the right choice!

I've seen how people (especially young women) have been told to reduce their standards. These young women have reduced their standards mostly because they think that no one might want to date them. What happened was that they ended up with all sorts of boys instead of actual men.
The same has happened to young men as well. For instance, I tried lowering my standards and it ended up with failures.

[In Spiration]

Originally Posted by LotusCarsLtd

Slight problem: I have no means of approaching the numerous women in my area, since I have no "in" to get their attention. Without that "in", it makes it difficult to be able to get a woman's attention. Whenever I've tried randomly approaching women I find attractive (based on my experience) it seems that I am perceived as "creepy", "desperate", or "weird".

If I could only give one sentence of advice to modern men re: women, I would have to simply say: Stop being so nice/supplicative all the time, and start being more take-charge/dominant. This may or may not have anything to do with your own difficulties. I don't know you, so you'll have to figure that out yourself. But I think a lot of Christian men fall into a problem of confusing niceness with goodness, then subsequently failing to be the attractive leaders that women want and need. If you're coming off as "creepy," "desperate," and "weird," then you might try to find a way to play a little more hard-to-get while still indicating interest. Flirting should be more of a back-and-forth "dance" that is led by the man.

Originally Posted by Crescentinus

I've seen how people (especially young women) have been told to reduce their standards. These young women have reduced their standards mostly because they think that no one might want to date them. What happened was that they ended up with all sorts of boys instead of actual men.
The same has happened to young men as well. For instance, I tried lowering my standards and it ended up with failures.

A lot of this is exactly right and is something everyone should be wary of before getting involved in any wasted effort battling instinctive urges. I think the key is actually not to lower but to instead re-orient the priorities of attraction, specifically, more toward valuable long-term traits like loyalty, kindness, chastity, etc. over desirable superficial short-term traits. One has to work at lowering superficial standards, however, which is why guys with lofty physical aims might do well to avoid being saturated with unrealistic ideals in media (especially pornography, which hopefully goes without saying).

Here's some evidence as to why this could help.

Three studies were conducted to test the hypothesis that judgments of average females' attractiveness or dating desirability will be adversely affected by exposing judges to extremely attractive prior stimuli (i.e., judgments will show a "contrast effect"). Study 1 was a field study in which male dormitory residents watching a popular TV show, whose main characters are three strikingly attractive females, were asked to rate a photo of an average female (described as a potential blind date for another dorm resident). These subjects rated the target female as significantly less attractive than did a comparable control group. Two other studies demonstrated analogous effects in a more controlled laboratory setting. In addition, the third study indicated a direct effect of informational social influence on physical attractiveness judgments.