Mother-in-law offered a stranger free room & board in our home!!?!

Guernica · #1 Jun 25, '12, 8:03 pm

Oh fun – I’m currently in a huge conflict with my mother-in-law regarding (what I think is) an outrageous “request” on her part. That is, she phrased it as a request, but I don’t think it ever occurred to her that we might actually up and refuse.

MIL reigns as the unchallenged queen of her small town and home parish. She is extremely active in her church and has many, many relatives and friends there. So recently, the 24-year-old daughter of one of her longtime church friends announced that she would like to move to the same city where my husband and I reside – whereupon MIL told this young lady that since her son and daughter-in-law live there in a 2-bedroom apartment, that we could let her live with us until she found a job and got her own place.

MIL called us yesterday and told us all about this nice young woman, who wants to move to our town, and then requested that we allow her to live in our “spare bedroom” until she gets herself settled in our city.

My husband’s first instinct is always to say Yes to his mother, but I put my foot down and vetoed the request. First of all, neither one of us know this twentysomething young lady from a hole in the ground, and it’s not like we’ve run any kind of background or security check on her. Secondly, the room in question is not a “spare bedroom” but my home office, where I work (for money) for up to 12 hours a day.

Thirdly, this young lady is 24, and I don’t want some young thing potentially lolling around in her pajamas in front of my husband. Fourth, no one has set a time limit on the length of her stay, mentioned whether or not she’d be expected to pay rent, or pay for her own food and utilities, prepare her own meals, wash her own dishes and laundry, etc. Fifth, my home office houses some sensitive legal and financial documents, both my own and those of other people, some of which I have signed legally binding NDAs never to share with anyone. Sixth, I'm not looking forward to explaining to my parents, my family, etc. as to why we've got this 24-year-old single girl not related to either of living with us, and convincing everyone we know that it's all totally innocent, really truly.

And last, I’m just an introvert and don’t want to live with anybody other than my husband.

So I flatly refused the request and told MIL that while I’m sure the young lady in question is a very sweet girl, I do not think we could offer her free room and board in our home at this time, having neither the space to spare, nor the inclination to run a pro bono youth hostel. MIL seemed flabbergasted that I had the temerity to say no to her, and cut the phone call short.

But what really chapped my hide was that earlier today, MIL called my husband at work (read: while he was away from me) and made her pitch again, trying to get him to overrule me and let the girl stay even though I had vetoed the idea. It seems as though she had already promised this young woman that she could stay with us, and now that I’ve refused, she’s in something of a bind with the girl’s parents. I’m of the opinion that since MIL made the promise of free room and board in our city to the young lady, she can perhaps put her up in an extended stay hotel or some such.

What on earth would you do? Is MIL out of line, or am I just a big meanie?

Ye gads, what a pain in the neck this is!

aloe · #2 Jun 25, '12, 8:09 pm

Your MIL is way out of line. Good for you for maintaining your boundaries.

**1ke** · #3 Jun 25, '12, 8:13 pm

MIL is way out of bounds. Stick to your guns.

**LilyM** · #4 Jun 25, '12, 8:17 pm

You and your husband have every right to decide on your own who if anyone gets to stay at your house. You both be sure to stick to your guns on this - it is a huge imposition on MIL's part.

**adrift** · #5 Jun 25, '12, 8:25 pm

It might have been a kindness on your part if you truly had a spare room. You don't. Like Ike said stick to your guns. I had different expectation from your title. I thought it was going to be something like she brought a person home she met on the street. I know to you there is not difference but I expected it to be a complete stranger like the strangers(hitchhikers) my husband brought home for the night.

Do Good Then Go · #6 Jun 25, '12, 8:33 pm

No, you're not a big meanie. I would be FURIOUS.

This is huge imposition - I can't imagine what your mother-in-law is thinking.

You don't have a spare room although even if you did it wouldn't make any difference in my eyes.

You don't want a stranger living with you.

Stick to your guns.

mdgspencer · #7 Jun 25, '12, 8:38 pm

I would be very polite with my mother-in-law. I would politely say no. You don't have to be defensive, just tell her no.

Contra Mundum · #8 Jun 25, '12, 8:40 pm

I'd go insane if this happened to me. What right does she have to do this? My guess is that her son allows her to behave like this. What is he doing about this situation?

gh4 · #9 Jun 25, '12, 8:46 pm

You live in an apartment, and most apartments don't allow long term visitors. If you have a lease, you will probably find that the only addition you can make is a child that you and your husband are parents to.

And you don't have a spare room, so she's supposed to camp out on your couch, meaning that you have to go to bed when she wants to because your living room is her bed?

You are NOT a meanie, stick to your guns, your MIL shouldn't be extending hospitality for your, she is WAY out of line.

Good luck.

anp1215 · #10 Jun 25, '12, 8:51 pm

When I first read the title, I thought you lived with your MIL, and she had invited someone to live in the house you shared. I can't believe she told a stranger she could live in YOUR house. Your mother in law sounds insane. Seriously. That's one of the craziest things I've ever heard.

**adrift** · #11 Jun 25, '12, 8:57 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by anp1215

When I first read the title, I thought you lived with your MIL, and she had invited someone to live in the house you shared. I can't believe she told a stranger she could live in YOUR house. Your mother in law sounds insane. Seriously. That's one of the craziest things I've ever heard.

Not crazy but use to having her way. At the very least, she should have asked you before offering your home.

anp1215 · #12 Jun 25, '12, 8:58 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by adrift

Not crazy but use to having her way. At the very least, she should have asked you before offering your home.

How is that not crazy?

SwizzleStick · #13 Jun 25, '12, 9:01 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guernica

...What on earth would you do? Is MIL out of line, or am I just a big meanie? ...

I would say no and have no more discussion about it. Period. Yes, your MIL is WAY out of line and, no, you are not a big meanie. It is most certainly an outrageous thing to ask of you and I wouldn't give it a second thought after saying no to it.

Even if you did have a vacant, fully-furnished spare bedroom available in your apartment, it would still be WAY out of line for your MIL to offer room and board in YOUR home to anyone, even a relative. Since this is a complete stranger to you, that is even more out of line. That is just not her call. If she cannot understand that, she has some serious issues.

Monicad · #14 Jun 25, '12, 9:02 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guernica

.....Oh fun – I’m currently in a huge conflict with my mother-in-law regarding (what I think is) an outrageous “request” on her part......

Dear one you have absolutely NO conflict with your mother-in-law over this, none.

I am sorry to say this but with all love and Christian charity your problem is your marriage. Your mother-in-law only has the power to influence and impose on you since your husband allows it. I don't mean to be cruel but I would advise you to concentrate your energy and your prayer on your marriage. Do all you can NOT to focus on her but to focus on your husband.

Your husband agreed to this without talking to you? At the very least he should have said he had to talk to you first. He said "yes" to her out of weakness. Let this go, you have no conflict here. Do not call your mother-in-law and discuss this, this is your husband's job. This has very little to do with a young woman needing a place to stay, this has everything to do with a grown man that has no confidence to stand up to his mother when she is being blatantly intrusive.

Pray for him, and do all you can to encourage him. Tell him you love him, tell him you married him and are with him forever because you have confidence in him as a strong man of honor! Your husband was not raised to be a strong confident man, it seems his mother ran all over him and he is afraid of saying no to her. Help him not be afraid, tell him he is wonderful and you love him. Wrap your arms around him and kiss him and tell him he is your hero and you trust him to take care of things!

I could agree with you that your mother-in-law is out of line (and I do) but that really gets us nowhere does it. The real heart of the matter is not who is right and who is wrong but that your purpose in a Sacramental Marriage is to help bring your husband to Holiness. You must be firm but try your best not to cut him down, try and build him up. Be the one woman in his life that builds him up to be a strong confident man he has not had that. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you and pray, a lot, especially with your husband. Hope this helps a little.

InspiritCarol · #15 Jun 25, '12, 9:07 pm

No. Do not let her in; but, perhaps, offer to help said young woman find a place. Keep your eye on local listings, etc. You know, toss a few bones her way, let her know how to avoid the local ghetto, etc. That way you can still be very charitable w/o sacrificing your sanity.