No more love

brokenheart83 · #1 Jun 28, '12, 11:01 pm

Hi I'm new and I'm 28 my wife is 29 and this is my first posting, I'm wondering if anyone has been in my situation and how did you handle it. Last Wednesday June 20 my wife told me she longer loves me and has felt that way since Christmas, we have been together for 8 years and married 3 years. We have no kids of our own but she did have a 3 year old when we started dating, as time went by I learned to love this child as he were my own, I raised him from 3 years of age to now being 10. My wife has completely torn my heart from my chest, although she didn't ask me for a divorce she did ask for a separation. I've asked her where I went wrong and she stays silent, I ask what can I do to fix our problems and she says nothing. We stopped having sex about 4-5 months ago because she was never in the mood and she says that it is not normal in a marriage. She says she felt like my roommate and she was okay with that, that she went months trying to make it work but never held an open dialog with me on any problems. I'm your typical male and I don't pick up on the issues easily, I do know that my wife was very distant and rarely ever let me show her affection such as a hug or even a kiss. We weren't without problems though, about a year and a half ago I strayed off the pathway. I'm not trying to justify my actions in this next information but I started talking to a woman that I met on Facebook, my wife had not been showing me the love or affection I felt I deserved. It felt great to get some admiration from someone since I was not receiving it at home. As the Lord as my witness I never had the intention to do anything with this woman, it felt nice to be adored. Well my wife found out and I broke her heart that day, I told her the same that I didn't plan on doing anything with that woman. After crying from the both of us and me begging for her forgiveness she said she could forgive but not forget and that it would take time to regain her trust which I told her I knew it would take time. As time went by 6 months to be exact I was the perfect husband I tried hard to regain her trust, we were the first couple that didn't hide passwords from each other, and she knows my passwords to all my accounts and I know hers. Well one day she happened to forgot to log off her Facebook account and I discovered she was flirting with some old school mate of hers and she had been telling him how I had cheated on her, well he was trying to entice her to do god only knows what and I now got infuriated but I knew now how she must have felt those 6 months prior. As I prodded deeper into her email accounts I discovered emails from 4 years before us getting married or before my transgression that she had signed up for a dating sites match . com. She claims to never have used it but the fact that there was that intention just hurt me. So after months of having me dragged around like a puppy and begging for forgiveness she had been a hypocrite the entire time. Now I know 2 wrongs don't make a right so I forgave her but not before having a discussion that moving forward we were to both not keep secrets from each other and also not before her telling me that she didn't enter our marriage just to give up so easily. I whole heartedly love my wife and my son, it hurts me to know that the woman I opened up my heart wholly said the words "I don't love you". She says she would rather struggle on her own than to be miserable in a house where she has everything, she stated that she didn't like the fact that I took care of all the bills. To me it seems like a false pretense, I was never the type of husband to tell my wife she couldn't do anything. I would let her have girls night with her friends, and I even let her go to a concert with a group of her work friends 6 hours away. My wife had her freedom, and but was it too much freedom? It's been a little over a week since we separated and she clearly told me she needed time and see if she could make it on her own. After a week of me crying for her return she has made no attempt to see how I am doing but out of the blue asks for my help on her car note as she is behind, but instead of calling or asking me in person she texted me. I didn't respond because now after a week I'm angry, angry for the fact that when she left me she left me in tears and claiming to try to make it on her own but now wants help. How do I handle this? Now that I've had time to think I'm angry, sad, mad all at once, if she learns during our separation that she still loves me how do I trust her? How do I trust her again after breaking my heart and taking my son? We've never in 8 years been able to concieve, is this gods way of telling me this not the right woman? Any questions or advice I welcome.

Contra Mundum · #2 Jun 29, '12, 1:00 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

We've never in 8 years been able to concieve, is this gods way of telling me this not the right woman? Any questions or advice I welcome.

Maybe.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It is difficult to say something helpful since it all happened so recently. You are experiencing the first shock of separation, what you are feeling is normal. The only practical thing I can advise is to leave her alone to deal with mundane things. If she wants to get out of this marriage she must be able to take care of herself. Ignore the message. If she wants to talk, give her a chance, see what she has to say for herself. Marriage is tough and most people will go through some kind of crisis. Those who separate often reconcile and work on their marriage. But also some never get back together. Maybe the fact you don't have a child together is a blessing in a way. Take this to adoration and pray. God will give you strenght to cope, whatever happens next.

I'm sorry if I couldn't be of more help, but I will pray for you and your wife. God bless.

Viki63 · #3 Jun 29, '12, 1:18 am

Dear brother,
I also am sorry you are going through this. You don't mention whether you and your wife are Christian or not, but that makes a difference.
Have you asked her whether she would go to counseling with you? It seems pointless of her to separate to figure out whether she can make it on her own or not. Of course she can make it on her own if she wants to, she's not a child. The question is, does she want to inflict the kind of pain and damage on your son that comes from a divorce, or does she want to knuckle down and try to make her marriage work?
Please check this website: Retrovaille.. This is a good place to start. I encourage you to read the section titled 4 Stages of Marriage. These are called Romance, Disillusionment, Misery and Awakening. Sounds like your marriage may be in either disillusionment or misery, but there is the possibility of Awakening and experiencing even greater love for one another. Romantic love does not last -- anyone who expects it to is immature. But a greater concern and appreciation for one's spouse can grow over time.
I urge you, for your child's sake, to fight for your marriage. My ex-husband was abusive and I had no choice but to leave him for my children's safety, but still the most painful thing over the years was seeing my sons grow up barely knowing their father. You sound like a good dad, and it would be heart breaking to deprive your son of your influence in his life.
God bless.

PaulGH · #4 Jun 29, '12, 2:48 am

Go with your wife to a Retrouvaille weekend.

maltmom · #5 Jun 29, '12, 6:22 am

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm praying for you and your family.

Midtown Mike · #6 Jun 29, '12, 6:33 am

My thoughts and prayers are with you. My wife and I have been through some rough patches over the 22 years we've been married. The only thing I can add is that if one partner is dead set against anything - reconciliation, counseling, etc. then it won't work. Both parties have to be on board.

On a practical note - you are married. Your credit rating is reflected in her credit rating. Make sure the bills get paid timely, or you may be setting yourself up for more problems in the future that could be avoided.

Mike

Schieffelin · #7 Jun 29, '12, 6:42 am

I'm so sorry--what a painful situation. I have heard that the counselor who runs this site can help with these types of situations. Maybe give her a call for a consultation

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

brokenheart83 · #8 Jun 29, '12, 9:22 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Viki63

Dear brother,
I also am sorry you are going through this. You don't mention whether you and your wife are Christian or not, but that makes a difference.
Have you asked her whether she would go to counseling with you? It seems pointless of her to separate to figure out whether she can make it on her own or not. Of course she can make it on her own if she wants to, she's not a child. The question is, does she want to inflict the kind of pain and damage on your son that comes from a divorce, or does she want to knuckle down and try to make her marriage work?
Please check this website: Retrovaille.. This is a good place to start. I encourage you to read the section titled 4 Stages of Marriage. These are called Romance, Disillusionment, Misery and Awakening. Sounds like your marriage may be in either disillusionment or misery, but there is the possibility of Awakening and experiencing even greater love for one another. Romantic love does not last -- anyone who expects it to is immature. But a greater concern and appreciation for one's spouse can grow over time.
I urge you, for your child's sake, to fight for your marriage. My ex-husband was abusive and I had no choice but to leave him for my children's safety, but still the most painful thing over the years was seeing my sons grow up barely knowing their father. You sound like a good dad, and it would be heart breaking to deprive your son of your influence in his life.
God bless.

Viki63 I was raised raised catholic, I did my first communion and I also did my confirmation so up to a point I went to church and practiced my religion very often until I got into my teen years, my wife says she is an atheist but does believe in god. I know that I strayed from god and maybe this is my penance for forgetting about him. I just don't know! As far as counseling goes, whenever she surprised me with the wonderful news I told her I would do anything to keep our family together, I even asked her if she wanted to go to a marriage counselor or even speak to the father at my church but she said no, and that she just needs time. I'm sorry that you had an abusive husband, my parents raised me in the traditional sense in that a man should never put his hands on a woman which I never did that to her, I never talked to her in a condescending manner, I didn't even like using the F-word towards each other. I consider myself a good man.

brokenheart83 · #9 Jun 29, '12, 9:28 am

Thank you all for you kind words and advice. I know this wound is still fresh but is it normal when something like this happens, for me to think that I don't know if I want her back now. If she returns what is to stop her from doing this again in the future. I know I still love my wife but my parents and my best friend tell me that from the beginning they could tell she was lying to me and to them, my head is spinning in so many directions that I clearly have no idea what to do?

Schieffelin · #10 Jun 29, '12, 9:51 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

Thank you all for you kind words and advice. I know this wound is still fresh but is it normal when something like this happens, for me to think that I don't know if I want her back now. If she returns what is to stop her from doing this again in the future. I know I still love my wife but my parents and my best friend tell me that from the beginning they could tell she was lying to me and to them, my head is spinning in so many directions that I clearly have no idea what to do?

Of course it's normal to be so hurt that you question whether you want her back. But don't let Satan put dark thoughts in your mind. Ultimately, your promise to God was to be faithful. You have to do everything you can to fix your marriage. God can heal your heart even if it feels impossible right now. Please don't give up hope.

maltmom · #11 Jun 29, '12, 9:51 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

Thank you all for you kind words and advice. I know this wound is still fresh but is it normal when something like this happens, for me to think that I don't know if I want her back now. If she returns what is to stop her from doing this again in the future. I know I still love my wife but my parents and my best friend tell me that from the beginning they could tell she was lying to me and to them, my head is spinning in so many directions that I clearly have no idea what to do?

BREATHE!!!!! I know your head is spinning. Some of us have been there. You may very well find out things in the coming months that will curl the hair on your head and burn the hair off of your chest. I pray that there isn't anything else for you to find out. Be prepared...put on the full armor of God. I know you love her. Just be sure you think with your head and not your heart. Be open and honest about the situation. Now is not the time to wear blinders.

Please talk to your priest. You are not alone in all of this.
I'm praying for you.

EasterJoy · #12 Jun 29, '12, 10:52 am

You can get marriage counselling without your wife. If it always took two to start counselling, it wouldn't happen nearly as often.

Also, do not think you have to forget what you each did. You have to accept it and reconcile it with what a person who loves you would do, but since each of you have made your own mistakes "with the best of intentions", you could each start by trying to project your own reasons and excuses onto your spouse and projecting the hurt you feel about your spouse's transgressions onto yourself for your own. When you feel your spouse has shorted you, look into the mirror and use the line recommended by the man who gave the secret for a marriage that lasted over 60 years: "On the other hand, you're no prize, yourself."

Remember this parable, after all:
Then he also said to his disciples, "A rich man had a steward who was reported to him for squandering his property. He summoned him and said, 'What is this I hear about you? Prepare a full account of your stewardship, because you can no longer be my steward.'

The steward said to himself, 'What shall I do, now that my master is taking the position of steward away from me? I am not strong enough to dig and I am ashamed to beg. I know what I shall do so that, when I am removed from the stewardship, they may welcome me into their homes.' He called in his master's debtors one by one. To the first he said, 'How much do you owe my master?' He replied, 'One hundred measures of olive oil.' He said to him, 'Here is your promissory note. Sit down and quickly write one for fifty.' Then to another he said, 'And you, how much do you owe?' He replied, 'One hundred kors of wheat.' He said to him, 'Here is your promissory note; write one for eighty.' And the master commended that dishonest steward for acting prudently. "For the children of this world are more prudent in dealing with their own generation than are the children of light. Luke 16:1-9

Contrast it with this story:
Then Peter approaching asked him, "Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. That is why the kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount. Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt.

At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.' Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan. When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount. He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, 'Pay back what you owe.' Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' But he refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back the debt.

Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair. His master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?' Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt. Matt. 18:21-34

You have not just offended against each other. You have offended against God, who has done you know wrong and who deserves all of your love. You do not need only your spouse's forgiveness, but God's....and that forgiveness is not contingent upon forgetting the offense, but on releasing the offender from their debt. Jesus did not tell both of those crucified with him that they would be with him in paradise that day, but only the one who admitted his crimes, admitted that he deserved punishment, and asked for mercy he knew he did not deserve.

The violation of trust has to be repaired gradually, over time. No matter what happens, be gracious and overly generous with your spouse, if for no other reason than that you hope that God will be overly generous with you. That is a good start.

brokenheart83 · #13 Jun 29, '12, 10:59 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by maltmom

BREATHE!!!!! I know your head is spinning. Some of us have been there. You may very well find out things in the coming months that will curl the hair on your head and burn the hair off of your chest. I pray that there isn't anything else for you to find out. Be prepared...put on the full armor of God. I know you love her. Just be sure you think with your head and not your heart. Be open and honest about the situation. Now is not the time to wear blinders.

Please talk to your priest. You are not alone in all of this.
I'm praying for you.

Thank you for your words. My head is spinning so much that my own mind is playing tricks on me, I asked my wife if there was another man and she said no, I asked if there was another man that she was waiting for and still the same answer no. I feel as if she's leaving out alot of information but she says that I'm only trying to get a certain answer to make me feel better about myself. Before this I could never think of her being with anyone else but now any free time and my mind starts creating scenarios and I wonder what if right now there's another man laying next to her. I'm probably shouldn't check her facebook but that's the only way I get to see her, and when I log into her account I see her posts and pictures showing her having fun with other people which destroys me. I know I'm killing myself with these thoughts, I just don't know how to handle something as life changing as this. I know I need to look to God to help me get though this, but I feel so many dark thoughts in place where there should be only good.

brokenheart83 · #14 Jun 29, '12, 11:05 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by EasterJoy

You can get marriage counselling without your wife. If it always took two to start counselling, it wouldn't happen nearly as often.

Also, do not think you have to forget what you each did. You have to accept it and reconcile it with what a person who loves you would do, but since each of you have made your own mistakes "with the best of intentions", you could each start by trying to project your own reasons and excuses onto your spouse and projecting the hurt you feel about your spouse's transgressions onto yourself for your own. When you feel your spouse has shorted you, look into the mirror and use the line recommended by the man who gave the secret for a marriage that lasted over 60 years: "On the other hand, you're no prize, yourself."

Remember this parable, after all:
Then he also said to his disciples, "A rich man had a steward who was reported to him for squandering his property. He summoned him and said, 'What is this I hear about you? Prepare a full account of your stewardship, because you can no longer be my steward.'

The steward said to himself, 'What shall I do, now that my master is taking the position of steward away from me? I am not strong enough to dig and I am ashamed to beg. I know what I shall do so that, when I am removed from the stewardship, they may welcome me into their homes.' He called in his master's debtors one by one. To the first he said, 'How much do you owe my master?' He replied, 'One hundred measures of olive oil.' He said to him, 'Here is your promissory note. Sit down and quickly write one for fifty.' Then to another he said, 'And you, how much do you owe?' He replied, 'One hundred kors of wheat.' He said to him, 'Here is your promissory note; write one for eighty.' And the master commended that dishonest steward for acting prudently. "For the children of this world are more prudent in dealing with their own generation than are the children of light. Luke 16:1-9

Contrast it with this story:
Then Peter approaching asked him, "Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. That is why the kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount. Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt.

At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.' Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan. When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount. He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, 'Pay back what you owe.' Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' But he refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back the debt.

Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair. His master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?' Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt. Matt. 18:21-34

You have not just offended against each other. You have offended against God, who has done you know wrong and who deserves all of your love. You do not need only your spouse's forgiveness, but God's....and that forgiveness is not contingent upon forgetting the offense, but on releasing the offender from their debt. Jesus did not tell both of those crucified with him that they would be with him in paradise that day, but only the one who admitted his crimes, admitted that he deserved punishment, and asked for mercy he knew he did not deserve.

The violation of trust has to be repaired gradually, over time. No matter what happens, be gracious and overly generous with your spouse, if for no other reason than that you hope that God will be overly generous with you. That is a good start.

Thank you for these words, I have never thought about it in that way. I pray that the Lord can forgive me and that my wife can forgive me truly.

EasterJoy · #15 Jun 29, '12, 11:34 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

Thank you for these words, I have never thought about it in that way. I pray that the Lord can forgive me and that my wife can forgive me truly.

The Lord not just can forgive you; the Lord wants to forgive you. The Lord pursues you with the desire to be reconciled with you. The Lord accepted death on a Cross in order to forgive you. The Lord wants to slaughter the fatted calf and put a robe on you and have you back. Do not worry about the Lord's resolve, but your own, and ask for the grace to accept all the graces that the Lord has in mind for you.

Some forget that there is feasting after repentance; others forget that there is the same farm to work, come Monday morning. The Prodigal, however, "came to his senses". That's the ticket. Whenever he remembered back to when he longed for slop fit only for hogs, that ol' farm must have looked wonderful. The need for grace is so that we remember that after a month of those Mondays!

"Stop judging and you will not be judged. Stop condemning and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Give and gifts will be given to you; a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap. For the measure with which you measure will in return be measured out to you." Luke 6:37-38

A good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing!! Don't doubt that!