Should I require my children to go to confession? - Page 2

Cat · #16 Jul 31, '12, 4:12 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Allegra

At my church, people who go to confession sit in the pews in order to wait for their turn. It's generally right before Mass. A child of twelve ought to be able to handle that. A younger child might require a coloring book or religious story book or rosary. Frankly, I would be concerned if you have a twelve-year-old that can't sit through confession.

I don't.

But my sister-in-law does. Her children are not capable of sitting for more than a few minutes, and at ages 7 (twins) and 9, they still have to sleep with a parent in order to sleep at all.

I know a lot of children like hers. They don't go to church, BTW. There's no point. They have to go to the nursery, because they can't sit through a church service (Protestants).

Children ought to be able to handle a lot of things. But not all can. Frankly, I would be thankful if you have a twelve-year-old who CAN sit through confession.

ThyKingdomCome · #17 Jul 31, '12, 4:30 pm

As has been said, confession needs to be done freely. That said, I have never ASKED my 9 and 11 year old if they WANT to go to confession. I tell them, "we're going to confession today." Then I give them an examination of conscience, help them with it if they want, and they go to confession. It hasn't occurred to them not to go into the confessional. It is just what you do. You examine your conscience, you go to confession. Why wouldn't you?

Granted they are not teens yet, so rebellion hasn't set in. But if I believed my child had committed mortal sin, I would probably talk about it with them at the time. And then later that we week, I would just take the family to confession and let them examine their conscience and confess as they see fit. This is one reason why frequent confession as a family is a good idea. It makes confession something that is natural to the child, and not something to worry about or be embarrassed about. It also trains the child in recognizing his sinfulness even when the sins aren't serious. If the child said they didn't want to go, I would not force them. But I would take it as a red flag that they lack a proper understanding of the sacrament and that they need to be taught about that. Repeated refusal of the sacrament would also indicate a possible need to take a new or invigorated approach to training them in virtue.

**jmcrae** · #18 Jul 31, '12, 4:56 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat

I don't.

But my sister-in-law does. Her children are not capable of sitting for more than a few minutes, and at ages 7 (twins) and 9, they still have to sleep with a parent in order to sleep at all.

I know a lot of children like hers. They don't go to church, BTW. There's no point. They have to go to the nursery, because they can't sit through a church service (Protestants).

Children ought to be able to handle a lot of things. But not all can. Frankly, I would be thankful if you have a twelve-year-old who CAN sit through confession.

Are we talking about disabled children, here? Most kids don't have any problems sitting still and entertaining themselves quietly while their parents do stuff.

Mrs Sally · #19 Jul 31, '12, 5:14 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThyKingdomCome

As has been said, confession needs to be done freely. That said, I have never ASKED my 9 and 11 year old if they WANT to go to confession. I tell them, "we're going to confession today." Then I give them an examination of conscience, help them with it if they want, and they go to confession. It hasn't occurred to them not to go into the confessional. It is just what you do. You examine your conscience, you go to confession. Why wouldn't you?

Granted they are not teens yet, so rebellion hasn't set in. But if I believed my child had committed mortal sin, I would probably talk about it with them at the time. And then later that we week, I would just take the family to confession and let them examine their conscience and confess as they see fit. This is one reason why frequent confession as a family is a good idea. It makes confession something that is natural to the child, and not something to worry about or be embarrassed about. It also trains the child in recognizing his sinfulness even when the sins aren't serious. If the child said they didn't want to go, I would not force them. But I would take it as a red flag that they lack a proper understanding of the sacrament and that they need to be taught about that. Repeated refusal of the sacrament would also indicate a possible need to take a new or invigorated approach to training them in virtue.

I agree so much with this. Confession is a means to grace. If confession is taught as something that happens only after mortal or very serious sin, we are cutting our children off from another source of the grace we need to get through this life and into heaven. Just as the Church encourages frequent communion, we are encouraged to participate in frequent confession. Once a month seems to me like a reasonable interval for the average person. Yes, you are often confessing "just" venial sins, but it is such a wonderful way to grow in virtue! Especially for a child who is starting to develop the bad habits of lying and stealing - better to encouarge virtue and give that strengthen grace sooner and often. However, as many ave said, you cannot FORCE another person to receive a sacrament. That is why the example and habit of the entire family going is so strong.

Cat · #20 Jul 31, '12, 7:12 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmcrae

Are we talking about disabled children, here? Most kids don't have any problems sitting still and entertaining themselves quietly while their parents do stuff.

I would say we're talking normal children--lively and full of hi-jinks.

I think that children who can sit quietly and entertain themselves for 45-60 minutes while their parents do stuff are the exceptions. Perhaps at home, where they are able to walk around, get a drink, whisper, talk, etc. But in a church, especially in the Presence of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament--I don't see too many children who can sit quietly for that long.

My kids (now grown) were pretty cool kids and were well-disciplined, but they would not have been able to sit quietly in a darkened, silent church and wait silently for 45 minutes. My older daughter enjoyed reading and that might have kept her quiet, but my younger daughter didn't like to read.

Anyway, I'm still in the camp with those who say that the children shouldn't be forced to go. However, I do like ThyKingdomCome's approach, which is to treat the Sacrament like a "routine," and make it a habit for the whole family. I can see this working.

I've also seen people in our parish allow families with children to move to the front of the line during the Reconciliation times, and I think this is a kind thing to do so that children don't have to sit alone for so long.

**jmcrae** · #21 Jul 31, '12, 7:41 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat

Anyway, I'm still in the camp with those who say that the children shouldn't be forced to go. However, I do like ThyKingdomCome's approach, which is to treat the Sacrament like a "routine," and make it a habit for the whole family. I can see this working.

That's what I was picturing - and then if the kids don't want to go, the only time they have to sit and wait all by themselves is the 3-5 minutes that their parents are in the Confessional - otherwise, their parents would be with them.

Quote:

I've also seen people in our parish allow families with children to move to the front of the line during the Reconciliation times, and I think this is a kind thing to do so that children don't have to sit alone for so long.

That's a good practice.

Still - what do kids today do when they have to wait for their parents or their siblings to go to the dentist, or to a doctor's appointment? I don't think they allow running around there, either, do they?

SerraSemper · #22 Aug 4, '12, 6:27 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by abraham

My 3 oldest children have passed the age of first reconciliation/communion (ages 8, 10, and 12). If they commit a serious sin, such as lying or stealing, can I require them to go to confession as part of their punishment? I have tried leading by example ("I'm going to confession this afternoon; do you feel the need to come with me?") or inquiring about the state of their conscience ("Have you committed any serious sins since last time?"), without succes, but I don't feel right about using an accusatory tone ("You stole that thing last week and so you have to go to confession now.") I obviously cannot control what they say in the confessional, still less can I control the state of their heart. My 12 year old in particular is getting to be pretty defiant and will push back and argue that I can't force him to receive the sacrament, which is true. My 8 year old, on the other hand, just doesn't have the self-awareness that you would expect at his age (he has been diagnosed with several psychological issues), and maybe wasn't mature enough to receive his first reconciliation anyway, as he has a hard time identifying his behavior as sin.

Couple of comments here...

I find it hard to believe that 8, 10,and 12 year olds would be committing objectively grave sins in the arenas of stealing and lying. Yes, it could be a mortal sin to steal an iPod if all the conditions are fulfilled... but not a candy bar or that $15 starbucks card.

No, forced confession cannot be linked to punishment. Nor can "voluntary confession" be linked to reducing a punishment. You may take your children regularly to church during scheduled confession times and require them to behave themselves in church... but it is up to them to decide whether to got o confession.

It is gravely sinful to inquire into a person's state of conscience and "require" a response unless one is the priest in confession with a willing penitent. Parents absolutely do not have this authority. Plus, parents may not impute sin to a child who has behaved in a manner that is objectively sinful. For example, one can punish a child if the chore did not get done... and call this disobedience... but one cannot say that the child sinned as in you sinned by disobeying me. We can judge external behaviors but not the internal workings of conscience.

Gordon Sims · #23 Aug 5, '12, 3:09 am

I wouldn't force my kids to go to Confession, although I would very strongly encourage it during Holy Week if they hadn't been during the previous year. One thing I am going to start, though, is taking them with me at least once a month. I won't tell them they have to go, but I'll have them there with me should they feel the need. I would like to get them in the habit of going regularly and not attaching a stigma to it as a lot of people I know seem to have done.

MissRose73 · #24 Aug 5, '12, 4:23 am

I think it should be required once a child has received the sacrament for the first time, that they go at least once a year like all Catholics who are of the age of reason should be doing already. Parents should set the example of going, and ideally at least once a year, the family goes to confess individually then spend some time after all have received in silent prayer.

I know for years I did not go to private confession as my parents' church was big on the communal services with no private options. I started to go to private confessions as an adult, and prefer that option over the communal services that do not give the option for private confessions.

My mother remembers pre-Vatican II there was much more emphasis on going to Confession. Her mother (a convert to the faith) would often tell her 2 daughters "You have been bad enough, time to go to Confession". Good thing that the church was close by (walking distance) as my grandmother at that time did not know how to drive.

I am sure a priest can tell if a child is in the confessional vs an adult. I remember going one time during Lent, and a family came with several kids both looking to be some where between the ages of 8 and 11. The mother went into the confessional, told the priest the child is here to confess, then left the child alone in the confessional to confess. She did so for both children.

SerraSemper · #25 Aug 5, '12, 10:00 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissRose73

I think it should be required once a child has received the sacrament for the first time, that they go at least once a year like all Catholics who are of the age of reason should be doing already. Parents should set the example of going, and ideally at least once a year, the family goes to confess individually then spend some time after all have received in silent prayer.

I know for years I did not go to private confession as my parents' church was big on the communal services with no private options. I started to go to private confessions as an adult, and prefer that option over the communal services that do not give the option for private confessions.

My mother remembers pre-Vatican II there was much more emphasis on going to Confession. Her mother (a convert to the faith) would often tell her 2 daughters "You have been bad enough, time to go to Confession". Good thing that the church was close by (walking distance) as my grandmother at that time did not know how to drive.

I am sure a priest can tell if a child is in the confessional vs an adult. I remember going one time during Lent, and a family came with several kids both looking to be some where between the ages of 8 and 11. The mother went into the confessional, told the priest the child is here to confess, then left the child alone in the confessional to confess. She did so for both children.

While it's a nice idea to encourage kids to go to Confession at least once a year... the Church's rules are pretty clear. People are required to do the Easter Duty (Communion) once a year. Obviously, that includes confession if one is conscious of grave sin. We don't know if the kids are conscious of grave sin. Particularly if they are 8, 10, & 12. We cannot require them to go to confession. We can tell them the Church's rules and even bring them to the Church during Lent during confession times, but it is up to them to go if they so desire. The question the OP had was can he force the kids to go to confession as part of their punishment. He can't. That is a totally different question than how to encourage kids to go to confession. If a family goes regularly once a month or so, kids tend to go into the confessional. There are other ways and means of encouraging children to go to confession... but that's probably a good topic for a different thread.

Mrs Sally · #26 Aug 8, '12, 6:43 pm

Quote:

We cannot require them to go to confession. We can tell them the Church's rules and even bring them to the Church during Lent during confession times, but it is up to them to go if they so desire.

Right. A child over the age of reason follows the same rules as everyone else in the Church on the reception of sacraments.

There is a long thread in this section about whether a parent can demand that a child receive communion in a specific way (hand vs tongue, etc.) The answer there is that the parent can't trump the Church's rules.

Same here. The Church say that confession is between the priest and the penitent. There is no place for a 3rd party.

armywife · #27 Aug 8, '12, 9:30 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThyKingdomCome

As has been said, confession needs to be done freely. That said, I have never ASKED my 9 and 11 year old if they WANT to go to confession. I tell them, "we're going to confession today." Then I give them an examination of conscience, help them with it if they want, and they go to confession. It hasn't occurred to them not to go into the confessional. It is just what you do. You examine your conscience, you go to confession. Why wouldn't you?

Granted they are not teens yet, so rebellion hasn't set in. But if I believed my child had committed mortal sin, I would probably talk about it with them at the time. And then later that we week, I would just take the family to confession and let them examine their conscience and confess as they see fit. This is one reason why frequent confession as a family is a good idea. It makes confession something that is natural to the child, and not something to worry about or be embarrassed about. It also trains the child in recognizing his sinfulness even when the sins aren't serious. If the child said they didn't want to go, I would not force them. But I would take it as a red flag that they lack a proper understanding of the sacrament and that they need to be taught about that. Repeated refusal of the sacrament would also indicate a possible need to take a new or invigorated approach to training them in virtue.

This is what we do. I just make an announcement and we all go. No one has ever said they didn't want to yet...

KCT · #28 Aug 9, '12, 6:31 pm

How can you force someone to go to Confession? How would you know what they say once they enter the confessional?

"Father, I'm here because my mom made me. I don't want to be here."

alphawoman · #29 Aug 12, '12, 6:48 pm

Why not go to weekly confession together as a family before attending Sunday Mass? Your children will see you taking your faith seriously--leading by example is a powerful statement. It also alleviates any potential embarrassment about "having" to confess, since everyone is doing it. Even if no mortal sin is committed, there is tremendous value in self-awareness and respect for God through the sacraments.

The confessional is a powerful armor against hell. You would be giving your children a wonderful gift if you taught them it's value gently and at an early age before more serious inclinations tend to occur. You would also be showing them respect by treating them as spiritual equals, which they are.

Ms_Manners · #30 Aug 13, '12, 7:27 am

Maybe you could ask the priest to just talk to the child instead of insisting on the form (which might seem a little scary to a small child) just until he/she is used to it? It can be a bit much for the child at first, but maybe a child-frendlier talk would be better, just at the beginning?
Do you think that could be acceptable or that the form has to be respected, even at the very beginning?