Boyfriend pressuring me for sex before marriage

MelindaUK · #1 Aug 4, '12, 6:55 pm

My boyfriend of five months is pressuring me for sex, he says that since we are planning on getting married anyway we are not doing anything wrong. But I told him I wanted to wait until the wedding night. Would it be OK however to let him do other things than sex in the mean time like seeing me naked or taking a shower together? Or will that not suffice to calm him down? Recently I noticed that when we were hugging or sleeping in the same bed (In pyjamas of course) he would have a "man reaction" down there. This has been occurring a lot lately and I'm a bit scared that if I don't give him a little something he will cheat on me or leave me, of course he told me he'd never do that and he loves me but still. I know it's wrong but since we are planning on getting married maybe it's not that wrong?

Bellator · #2 Aug 4, '12, 7:06 pm

MelindaUK:

Hold fast to abstinence, even from the little "teases" that you have mentioned. Furthermore, the bed scenerio you have mentioned in quite alarming. Placing yourself in a near occasion of sin is not a wise decision, would you be willing to exchange your immortal soul for a minute's satisfaction for your boyfriend?

On the other hand, you will be acting in greater love for your boyfriend to abstain from both premarital sex and these dangerous encounters. While he may not understand now, your purity is a far greater gift than physical satisfaction. I would not be surprised if he finds this hard to understand, but perservere until your wedding day. In the future, he will appreciate your descision.

Sincerely,
Bellator

MelindaUK · #3 Aug 4, '12, 7:14 pm

Thank you Bellator. We have been sleeping in the same bed without anything dirty happening for over four months now, I believe it is quite innocent. He did try to touch me the first time we slept in the same bed but I told him I didn't want to and he never tried it again. However he often talks about his "needs" and how he wants to make love to me, something I find difficult to understand because while I can be physically attracted to him I have no difficulty in controlling myself. My boyfriend does not masturbate because he thinks it is not natural but has asked me yesterday whether I would be willing to touch him down there to ease him... Of course I told him I wouldn't but he seems really desperate. Sometimes I just want to give him a little something to help him wait... It almost seems like he is suffering or desperate because he can't have sex with me. I'm so scared that he will leave me.

Corki · #4 Aug 4, '12, 7:14 pm

Important missing information - how old are you?

You are to be commended for holding onto your dignity and virtue. It is not a lie to say, "If you respected me, you wouldn't pressure me". But if you are young, there is the added argument that 5 months is not a long time to build a relationship and it is not fair of him to push you to skip steps in building a relationship, espeicially if he intends it to culminate in marriage.

Would you go straight to the wedding without the engagement? No! Neither should you go straight to physical intimacy without the courtship, engagement and wedding coming first.

As for those other activities, do you seriously think a naked shower is going to decrease his pressure on you to have sex? If anything, you need to take a step back and be mindful of activities that might add too much temptation and be an occasion of sin - for both of your sake.

MelindaUK · #5 Aug 4, '12, 7:16 pm

I'm 21 and he is turning 21 soon.

CallMeDad · #6 Aug 4, '12, 7:23 pm

Melinda,

You've told him your position, and I assume you told him how important it is to you, and probably even why that it is so. If you have not told him why you want to wait, do so now. Open your heart on the issue.

After that, a good man, and a good future husband, will work with you and will support you so that your aspirations become his aspirations. He will want to see you fulfilled, even if that means he is "unfulfilled" in one sense.

He should not be pressuring you. Time for a deep talk. God bless.

Debora123 · #7 Aug 4, '12, 7:25 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by MelindaUK

My boyfriend of five months is pressuring me for sex, he says that since we are planning on getting married anyway we are not doing anything wrong.

That would be incorrect. Also, he needs to stop and start treating you with a little more respect.

Quote:

But I told him I wanted to wait until the wedding night. Would it be OK however to let him do other things than sex in the mean time like seeing me naked or taking a shower together? Or will that not suffice to calm him down?

You shouldn't do those things "to calm him down." And no, they won't calm him down. They will further arouse him. If he can't respect you, it's time you find a new boyfriend.

Quote:

Recently I noticed that when we were hugging or sleeping in the same bed (In pyjamas of course) he would have a "man reaction" down there.

That is completely normal and completely OK.

Quote:

This has been occurring a lot lately and I'm a bit scared that if I don't give him a little something he will cheat on me or leave me, of course he told me he'd never do that and he loves me but still.

If you can't trust him, you shouldn't be dating him.

Quote:

I know it's wrong but since we are planning on getting married maybe it's not that wrong?

It doesn't matter whether it's "as wrong" or "not as wrong." It's still is wrong, and the wrongest part about it is the fact that you feel pressured by the man whose duty is to love you and protect you and your purity.

I dated someone who pressured me a lot. And thank GOD I ended up breaking up with him and finding a man who respects me, himself, and God's gift of sexuality.

Don't waste your time on anyone who doesn't.

Allegra · #8 Aug 4, '12, 7:26 pm

Yikes! Honestly, he needs to be unloaded. If you are engaged, have you spoken with the priest yet? I think you need to set a few things straight and you might need the help of the priest to explain why it is important that you remain pure and that he respect you sexually over all. I would also get him out of your bed or get yourself out of his bed. Clearly it is not innocent since he is becoming aroused. (I don't know what you would expect to happen. I he didn't become aroused I would have other kinds of concens.)

Petersmate · #9 Aug 4, '12, 7:31 pm

Petersmate · #10 Aug 4, '12, 7:38 pm

P.S. From a man's point of view. If he is pressuring you to have sex he is just focusing on himself. Think twice about marrying him. Sorry to be so frank about it.

**Trishie** · #11 Aug 4, '12, 7:41 pm

Dear Melinda, sleeping in the same bed with your boyfriend makes things even more difficult, and provides an occasion of sin for him. It may be innocent for you. That doesn't make it innocent for him, even if he says so to keep you there in hope of a 'breakthrough' . To sleep in the same bad is therefore a matter of conscience whether or not you has a lesser sex drive yourself. Clearly, he has a very strong one. And no, it isn't 'innocent' to be sleeping with him because it torments him.
It is not showing proper concern for his soul and spiritual welfare, just as he isn't too concerned about yours in this issue, though he has the decency to restrain himself. The fact that he does is no excuse for subjecting another person to temptation, dear Melinda.

Men's urges don't necessarily operate in the same way as females. And clearly, being in the same bed, being in pajamas together, and hugging together is causing him having erections and to struggle with temptation. That is really quite unfair, to subject another person to so much temptation.

And no, giving into him won't calm him, it will only make him want to do more. Be certain of that.

You would be wiser to live elsewhere until you are married. And certainly not to sleep in the same bed. Please consider how much you want to subject your boyfriend to temptation, not only your own moral and spiritual position. I'm afraid you are not showing him the same respect for his conscience.

May God guide you and bless you both,
Kind wishes and prayers,

Trishie

jilly4ski · #12 Aug 4, '12, 7:43 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by MelindaUK

I'm 21 and he is turning 21 soon.

You should know that giving into these unchaste behaviors will only increase the pressure on you to give in to sex.
Also you sleeping in the same bed is making this worse for him. When he has urges and temptations you are right there right next to him in bed, (the place most associated with marital relations), this will make it difficult for him to turn away from these temptations. If he was by himself he could more easily turn his thoughts to something else.
Also I hope you are not living together. (This is a bad idea for many reasons, but again make it somewhat illogical for him, that you would not be having sex, even though otherwise living like a married couple).

You have only been dating your boyfriend for 5 months and you are only 21, yet you seem desperate to hold on to him. If he can't go some time without sex and because of that leaves you or cheats on you, then he is not marriage material and be happy you did not end up in a marriage where you are constantly worrying if you husband is going to cheat on you or leave you. (Marriage is not about unlimited sex, there are many periods of abstinence even in marriage, which is all the harder because it is your spouse not just a boyfriend).

I won't say he doesn't love you or respect you because he is pressuring you. He is young and experiencing great temptations, and seems to genuinely be trying respect the boundaries you have established (no touching in bed, though I wonder how you notice he is having erections in bed if you are not touching?). Though if he does cheat on you or leave you for no sex, then I would question both of those assertions.

I am sorry that your relationship has advanced this far so early, as it is hard to turn back the clock and stop doing things you have already started. You and he need to take a step back, you need to get to know each other on a non physical level. 5 months is not (usually) enough time to get to know someone on such a level, especially if you have been substituting physical closeness for intellectual, emotional, and spiritual closeness.

As the old saying goes, "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" This is especially true if you are already so mistrustful of him to think he will cheat or leave if you don't give him the "milk."

KCT · #13 Aug 4, '12, 7:50 pm

Stop sleeping in the same bed!

You've shown him you would sleep in the same bed with him, he's assuming sex is next.

If he would leave you because you won't have sex, let him leave. You deserve BETTER!

Julian0404 · #14 Aug 4, '12, 7:54 pm

Your placing yourself voluntarily in a compromising situation night after night and then complaining about the compromise you find?

Melinda, if you wish to stop the pressure, remove the compromising situation, and have your "boyfriend" sleep in his own apt - bed. And if he cheats on you, it is best you discover that now rather than after the marriage.

Is it right for him to be demanding you surrender your conscience - NO!
Is it right for you to be inviting him into your bed every night - NO!
Do you see a connection between the two?

You are creating the "near occasion of sin for him" by your continued sleeping arrangement, and by your question to go further you are acknowledging that you are losing control as well.

GO GET MARRIED or live apart so as not to create sin in each others life.

LB_in_TX · #15 Aug 4, '12, 8:04 pm

I am just being honest; I have seen a number of young men tell a woman he wants to marry her, well then he gets what he wants and postpones any marriage until he ultimately moves on. Beware, this is your spiritual life you are toying with also.

God Bless you!