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  #1  
Old Aug 30, '12, 11:34 pm
verysad verysad is offline
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Default Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

Iīm fed up. The relationship with my daughter has been a nightmare; she has given me headaches, since she was a teenager. She shouted to me and has always been very aggressive. She is selfish to the utmost. She is divorced and always finds the way to get engaged with men that take money out of her. She barely knows them and she opens the door of her house to them. No matter what I tell her, she tells me, it is her life and she does what she wants.
Those sorts of things create in me a lot of anxiety and I get sick to my stomach and then I have to ask her to pick me up in the middle of the night to take me to the hospital. Afterwards sometimes if we have an argument she rubs in my face what she has done for me.( taking me to the hospital).
She earns very good money and Iīm unemployed now but she is never willing to give me something, and in the case she does, she later rubs that in my face. She is manipulative and wants to control my life. I have been in therapy and I have found out that those traits of using money as a power weapon, trying to control and treating me like ****, come from his father, my ex-husband.
I got divorced of him and now it seems that I have the new version, but now it is my flesh and Iīm much older. Once I was at her place sick and almost fainting I told her if she could take me to the doctor and she replied angrily "take a cab". I feel that such an answer in inhuman.

I canīt post all because it would be too much. Only God and I know all I have tried to make this work. Sometimes I fight back, but she seems only to see what I tell her, but she is unaware of what she does to make me mad and say certain things, so all is my entire fault.

We had a big fight last Friday. She said she was going to take me to the dentist (she never does a thing for me) and all ended in an argument. The employee who was going to take me quit, because she shouted to him. She was making plans with a BF she has and I saw this was very difficult and said "No problem, I cancel the appointment and thatīs it" then she started a fight telling me that they were not going to beg me to do me a favor and the rant went on, to the times she has taken me to the hospital.
Finally, I got out of her place and told her that her relationships and my relationship with her is what make me sick.
I left her a message in her phone machine telling her "I donīt want to see you anymore".
I would keep my word, because itīs very painful for me the way she acts with men and the way she treats me. I have been very depressed, I donīt know how much more would I live, but I want to live in peace.
If you say she needs therapy, I have told her so, but she thinks there is nothing wrong with her.

Thanks for reading and all support will be appreciated, but donīt ask me to accept abuse anymore.
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  #2  
Old Aug 31, '12, 1:51 am
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Trishie Trishie is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

Prayers for you both, that you will both find healing and empathetic communication,
and prayers also for the wisest and most charitable outcomes for you both.
__________________
JESUS who died once for all persons
who gives Yourself wholly in Communion to billions throughout time
please pray in me for every person
as if each person is the only loved one.
JESUS please welcome each person with love, healing, and great joy!
Thank You JESUS


Mother Mary at the wedding feast of Cana (John 2:1-12)
though JESUS protested it was not yet time for miracles
you successfully interceded with Him for a family's temporal need
please now intercede with your divine Son
for each person's temporal and spiritual needs.
Thank you Mother


JESUS please grant our prayer for this person


Catechism of the Catholic Church http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_INDEX.HTM
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  #3  
Old Aug 31, '12, 2:16 am
Edmundus1581 Edmundus1581 is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

Thankyou for posting. I'm so sad for you.

Perhaps some advice.. just try and let it go a bit.. try not let it cause you so much anxiety and grief. Also, when we are unemployed then any problems like this do tend to weight on our mind mind more, as we've got more time to dwell on them, and we are also worried about our own finances and feel more need for support. That's about all I can say.

I join Trishie in praying for you both.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trishie View Post
Prayers for you both, that you will both find healing and empathetic communication,
and prayers also for the wisest and most charitable outcomes for you both.
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  #4  
Old Aug 31, '12, 4:05 am
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mountee mountee is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

Praying for you.
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  #5  
Old Aug 31, '12, 4:10 am
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Delaine75 Delaine75 is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

I understand the hurt you must be feeling over this. But, since she is an adult, there really is nothing you can do about her relationships with men. She has to learn from her mistakes, and some people take a LONG time to learn from their mistakes. Even if it is difficult to do so, pray for her. Pray for God to touch her heart and to heal your relationship with her. Try to limit your interaction (visits, phone calls, etc.) with her until things settle down. You don't need to be putting yourself in a situation where it upsets you so much. And please know that I am praying for you and for your daughter.
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  #6  
Old Aug 31, '12, 5:59 am
Monicad Monicad is online now
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

God bless you and I will pray for you. It is good to take a break from your daughter this is healthy, however I might consider not cutting ties 100%. Even if you don't see her or call her I would consider still sending her a Christmas card telling her you love her or a birthday card doing the same. This way you don't have anxiety dealing with her but you keep the "door open" to hope and a future relationship one day.

One thing I took from your post and I could be wrong about my perceptions, is that you are blaming your daughter for all of your problems and anxieties. Obviously she is the trigger for many things, but chances are that your emotional problems are not all her fault. It would be good to continue to pray and to look internally for ways to improve your life! Now that she is out of the picture it will give you more clarity hopefully. Sometimes the exact causes of our stress are difficult to sort out when there is so much going on. You may have an underlying cause of anxiety or depression that will become more clear now, and you will be well on your way to a life of more joy! God bless you.
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  #7  
Old Aug 31, '12, 6:43 am
lily20 lily20 is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

I would avoid her and go to Adoration/Rosary daily, start in the morning it's the best defense for all day. Stay out of her business with men. Who cares who she gives her money to--

Anger is not OK.

Wish I could listen to my own advice!!

Lily
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  #8  
Old Aug 31, '12, 8:30 am
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colmywaykurtz colmywaykurtz is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

I have prayed the rosary for you, too, verysad.
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  #9  
Old Aug 31, '12, 8:50 am
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

Call Catholic Charities and get some counseling. They have a sliding scale for income so you probably won't have to pay for it. Talking to someone about your problems including your daughter can give you new insights and help you find some peace and set reasonable boundaries. Continuing to ask for help from someone who is abusive will only degrade you.
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  #10  
Old Aug 31, '12, 9:11 am
verysad verysad is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

Thanks for you all for replying, while reading I cried a lot.Itīs nice to know that someone took the time to read, reply and pray for me and my daughter.
I know I canīt blame her for everything, my problem is that Iīm exausted because I have tried so hard for too long, and because my own personal life is not 100% good.
I try to keep myself as busy as I can, so I donīt have the time to dwell in this, but sometimes the loneliness, hurt and dissapointed throws me down.
The problem with men is that when things go wrong, she comes to me crying and complaining, so in a way I have to pay the price for that. If Iīm not willing to listen, then a kind of revengeful war starts. I feel like "damed if you do it, and damed if you donīt", so it is hard to find a way out.
The last 2 years I have cried buckets of sorrow that I have kept inside for years.
Thanks again to you all...

God bless you.
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  #11  
Old Aug 31, '12, 9:14 am
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by verysad View Post
Thanks for you all for replying, while reading I cried a lot.Itīs nice to know that someone took the time to read, reply and pray for me and my daughter.
I know I canīt blame her for everything, my problem is that Iīm exausted because I have tried so hard for too long, and because my own personal life is not 100% good.
I try to keep myself as busy as I can, so I donīt have the time to dwell in this, but sometimes the loneliness, hurt and dissapointed throws me down.
The problem with men is that when things go wrong, she comes to me crying and complaining, so in a way I have to pay the price for that. If Iīm not willing to listen, then a kind of revengeful war starts. I feel like "damed if you do it, and damed if you donīt", so it is hard to find a way out.
The last 2 years I have cried buckets of sorrow that I have kept inside for years.
Thanks again to you all...

God bless you.
Get this book, and read it.

I think most public libraries have at least one copy, if an old edition. You can also buy it used for less.

Boundaries

When your daughter starts abusing you, just say, "I need to go now, goodbye dear daughter." And hang up the phone. But you have to believe that you deserve better than her abuse. If she cannot treat you kindly and with respect, you will have to severely limit your interaction with her. Pretend she is a mere acquaintance and imagine taking that kind of treatment from anyone! Yes I know she is your daughter and of course you love her, but God loves you more and does not want you to be abused!
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  #12  
Old Aug 31, '12, 9:30 am
Gwendolen Gwendolen is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

I'm a little concerned about some of the focus of your post being "she never does anything for me", or what she has or has not done for you, including giving you rides.

I think some of your anxiety would be relieved if you had your own peer support group, and nurtured mutually satisfying friendships with people close to your own age. Then you would have other people to turn to when you need a ride from the hospital, etc, and her lack of care for you would not cause you so much anguish.

You don't need to cut off ties with her completely. A pleasant lunch or coffee once a month would be nice -- maybe you can make a rule that such time is set aside for pleasant conversation, and nothing else. In the meantime, remove yourself as the person that is agonizing over her relationship with men. Are you upset she is earning a living, and helping out strange men, while ignoring you (family) when you need help? Her reasons for helping these men are probably disordered; she is getting some type of validation from them she feels she needs, it has nothing to do with loving them more, or whatever. You are probably not the person who is going to change this disorder, all you can do is pray.

If you want to have a parental responsibility towards your adult daughter, the best thing you can do is to promote positive behavior within yourself. Demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks like. Do not depend on her for anything, or resent what she does not provide. If she calls you complaining about a relationship, say "I'm sorry, I don't want to damage our relationship further by saying things that will upset you. I will pray for you. If you want someone to help you sort this out, a therapist would be a good idea." Support her in other ways, be interested in her career, be her cheerleader in her goals for the future. When she is negative or aggressive, cut her off with "I will pray for you," and end the interaction.

Then go about rebuilding your own life that does not cut her out, but does not depend on her to fill any of your needs, turn her needs over to God.
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  #13  
Old Sep 2, '12, 1:06 pm
verysad verysad is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

Thanks again for all of you who replied to my post. All ideas have been very good. I already have the book "Boundaries" and I`ll find some therapy.

About myself alone, I have been working on having new friends and I`m part of two groups now. That has taken me a year of work and who said that that would reduce my anxiety, was completely right, and it has been reduced. Even though I donīt feel at the present moment to be able to rely on them to ask favors as rides to a hospital, but time will help.

I wonīt ask my daughter for help, or accept anything from her, no matter what. It seems that the weaker she sees me, the harder she strikes.

The boundary of "I donīt want to see you anymore", has been stabished.

Letīs see how things work in the future, I don`t expect her to change. If we can see each other in a peacefull respectful way once a month, that would be nice. But I have to be very wise to donīt let the same dance come again.

To heal a relationship that has been unhealthy for years, sounds now impossible for me.
I ask My Lord to help me find a healthy way to live my life, with her or without her.


Thanks again to you all for your care, empathy, time , playes and encouragement.

Blessings to all.
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  #14  
Old Sep 3, '12, 8:58 am
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by verysad View Post
Thanks again for all of you who replied to my post. All ideas have been very good. I already have the book "Boundaries" and I`ll find some therapy.

About myself alone, I have been working on having new friends and I`m part of two groups now. That has taken me a year of work and who said that that would reduce my anxiety, was completely right, and it has been reduced. Even though I donīt feel at the present moment to be able to rely on them to ask favors as rides to a hospital, but time will help.

I wonīt ask my daughter for help, or accept anything from her, no matter what. It seems that the weaker she sees me, the harder she strikes.

The boundary of "I donīt want to see you anymore", has been stabished.

Letīs see how things work in the future, I don`t expect her to change. If we can see each other in a peacefull respectful way once a month, that would be nice. But I have to be very wise to donīt let the same dance come again.

To heal a relationship that has been unhealthy for years, sounds now impossible for me.
I ask My Lord to help me find a healthy way to live my life, with her or without her.


Thanks again to you all for your care, empathy, time , playes and encouragement.

Blessings to all.
Do it one day at a time. I would probably have said to my daughter, "I won't see you as long as you can't treat me with respect." Not, "I don't want to see you any more." But, if that is what you had to do in order to draw a line, then that is what you did. You can reconsider perhaps at some point in the future, but cautiously.
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  #15  
Old Sep 4, '12, 12:00 am
verysad verysad is offline
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Default Re: Ungrateful, aggressive, controlling adult daughter

I agree with you and that would have sounded better. But I did things the better I could.
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