Post abortion friend, ignoring my pregnancy!

FullOfThought · #1 Sep 2, '12, 2:36 pm

My good friend of 4 years, who I lived with in college for 2years hasn't said ANYTHING about my husband and I being pregnant.

I spent along time trying to arrange meeting with her, but because of her not having a car and my morning sickness I ended up writing her a email announcing my pregnancy and telling her I was sorry for telling her via email but had tried other ways.

She didn't respond to my email, but text me saying "OMG" and that was it.

I haven't heard from her since, she never replied and quite frankly I'm pretty annoyed about it.

2 years ago she chose to have an abortion, told me afterwards and I helped her grieve/eal with her choice as best as I could.. perhaps that's what is keeping her from saying anything?

Should I send her another message or just wait till she contacts me?

asd72 · #2 Sep 2, '12, 2:55 pm

I don't think it's too much to expect a phone call to congratulate you or at least a nice email or text. To text 'OMG' is a little random.

Maybe just keep in touch as you usually do via email/ text/phone and next time you speak to her by phone or in person bring the subject up without being too accusing and see what she says.

It doesn't matter who contacts who. If this is not a pattern with this friend try not to read too much into it.

EasterJoy · #3 Sep 2, '12, 2:57 pm

If she had miscarried a child she had very much wanted, would you put this kind of pressure on her to converse about your pregnancy? I don't think you would. Well, she didn't lose her baby by accident. She lost hers by choice, and it is hardly likely to be a choice about which she has uncomplicated feelings. If the feelings are uncomplicated, then probably her feelings towards the enterprise of childbearing and child-rearing in general are at an all-time negative.

You wouldn't have wanted to hide your pregnancy from her, but you also should be sensitive to how difficult the entire topic of childbearing might be to her. If she asks about your pregnancy, talk about it. If she doesn't, don't, and let your silence be an act of kindness to her. Send her a birth announcement when the time comes, just as you do all of your other friends and close acquaintances, and then let her do what she wants with that information.

If she has developed an antipathy for childbearing and child-rearing in general, this pregnancy maybe precipitate the end of your friendship, or at least temporarily suspend it for the duration of this phase of her life. The primary cause would be your extremely different views on children, and there is nothing you can do about that. Just get ready for that possibility. Realize that it is nothing for you to take personally, and almost certainly not something you can change.

Allegra · #4 Sep 2, '12, 3:23 pm

Perhaps it is very painful for her to see you expecting a baby. I expect it reminds her of the child she would have had and brings up all sorts of horrible feelings. I would try to be compassionate that it might just be too painful for her to be around you at the moment. Two years isn't very long to "get over" having your own child murdered.

Dorothy · #5 Sep 2, '12, 3:29 pm

It could very well be that her choice to abort is affecting her. I used to be a counselor in a pregnancy crisis center, and we had special counselors who would meet with young ladies/women who had abortions and now were suffering emotional turmoil over their choices. They needed an understanding person to talk to them and counsel them, as it was beginning to affect their lives.

If it becomes difficult for her to even see someone's newborn baby and not be able to rejoice and be happy for the person, that is a symptom that post-abortion healing is needed.

Maria1212 · #6 Sep 2, '12, 3:44 pm

I think it is likely it is a very painful topic for her and she doesn't know how to tell you that. I agree with previous posters who have said two years is not a long time to get over having murdered your own child. I don't know if a person could ever get over that even though that might have healed and grieved and received counseling.

Your wonderful news deservers to be celebrated but she might not be able to provide you with that right now. Keep being her friend but wait for her to reach out to you. If a lot of time goes by, invite her to lunch or call, but try not to discuss the pregnancy until she asks you about it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Sincerely,

Maria1212

fastenatingguy · #7 Sep 2, '12, 4:09 pm

If possible, meet with her in person. In my experience (NOT an expert) I have found that women especially do better when they can deal face to face.

anp1215 · #8 Sep 2, '12, 4:22 pm

Once on an episode of 16 and Pregnant, the girl and her sister both got pregnant very close to the same time. One chose to keep her baby, and the other chose to abort hers. The sister's pregnancy was SO hard on the post-abortive girl. It was so sad, she kept saying she was glad she had the abortion, but when, for example, the sister brought home an ultrasound video, she stormed away in tears saying she couldn't watch it. It was a sad sight to see.

I know it was longer ago for your friend, but I'm sure the feelings don't just go away.

agnes therese · #9 Sep 2, '12, 4:24 pm

It could be that the news is quite painful for her. With all due respect, I'd suggest cutting her some slack.

mhgabriel · #10 Sep 2, '12, 4:38 pm

God always wants us to focus on His Ways, I don't think it's necessary for you to contact her at this point, but pray for her. It's important to God that we de-clutter our lives, I suggest you pray whether this girl should be in your life or not. Because a healthy genuine friendship is the proper friendship. God be with you.

ForGood · #11 Sep 2, '12, 5:05 pm

Be there when she needs you and she will. It's still difficult for me now to be around good friends who are pregnant or who have newborns.

skigirl1689 · #12 Sep 2, '12, 5:06 pm

Are you close to her otherwise or have you grown apart since college? I agree with the others that it likely is due to her abortion and either her regret or she is ambivalent in order to protect herself from feeling regret.

However, if you have grown apart over the years, it is not abnormal for friends to become less communicative as this occurs. It has happened to me more times than I can count and I've had to accept that this lack of communication is our new "normal" in said relationship.

Also, is she married? I know when my friend married and I still remain single, my friend has trouble relating to what I am dealing with as we are no longer in the same stage of life.

So, my point is, a lot of factors could be influencing her behavior, and I don't think you should take it personally. Tough to do, I know.

Jeanne S · #13 Sep 2, '12, 6:25 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by FullOfThought

My good friend of 4 years, who I lived with in college for 2years hasn't said ANYTHING about my husband and I being pregnant.

I spent along time trying to arrange meeting with her, but because of her not having a car and my morning sickness I ended up writing her a email announcing my pregnancy and telling her I was sorry for telling her via email but had tried other ways.

She didn't respond to my email, but text me saying "OMG" and that was it.

I haven't heard from her since, she never replied and quite frankly I'm pretty annoyed about it.

2 years ago she chose to have an abortion, told me afterwards and I helped her grieve/eal with her choice as best as I could.. perhaps that's what is keeping her from saying anything?

Should I send her another message or just wait till she contacts me?

I think you hit the nail on the head. She is grieving from her choice to abort. Your being pregnant and she supporting you probably isn't something she is able to do at this time, probably because she hasn't fully faced her decision to abort.No doubt you are hurt by her lackluster response, but pray for her that she finds healing . Congratulations and God Bless!

Gwendolen · #14 Sep 2, '12, 7:53 pm

I'd look at it this way -- you should be seeking support and excitement for your pregnancy from friends/family that have it to give. I hope you have other expectant mom friends, and those without "baggage" to help you celebrate this very wonderful part of your life.

On the other hand, if you needed a ride to the airport, you wouldn't call a friend who doesn't have a car. Maybe she has a car through no fault of her own (like she has a seizure disorder, and doesn't drive), or maybe she got her car repossessed because she was irresponsible with the payments, but either way, you'd find someone else to call. Same with this friend. She doesn't seem to have it within her to give you the happy congrats and support. Not because she doesn't value you as a friend, but cause she simply does not have it to give you. That she doesn't have it perhaps is because of a poor choice she made does not change the fact, anymore than someone with a repossessed car can drive you to the airport. It is not a slight to you personally.

Congrats!!!!!!!

Nabooru · #15 Sep 3, '12, 6:39 pm

I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. Why is anyone obligated to talk about your being pregnant? I know it's important to you, but that doesn't mean it is to everyone else. You seem to be waiting to be fussed over, congratulated, made the center of attention, etc.

I know I'll get flak for this, but that's just how I feel about it. If you tell her you're pregnant, and she acknowledges that yes, you are, don't expect her to make that fact a major focus of her life.

I don't have any children myself, and I won't have any. Perhaps people will say that makes me biased. But TBH there are few things more annoying - to me, anyway - than someone about to get married, divorced, have a baby, etc. who expects a constant flow of attention and compliments on the fact. I'm not saying you shouldn't be excited and thrilled to be pregnant. But whether or not someone else has kids, I have to say, they're not obligated to be excited themselves.

So go ahead and call me names now.