17 year old left home


#1

I am new at this teenage stuff. My husband and my daughter had big argument last night. She became disrespectful and my husband told her if she didn’t want to live by our rules then she had to leave. My husband got desrespectful too. I told him to leave the house to cool off and he wouldn’t and the argument just got worse.

She did leave. She has no money, 1 friend( we just moved to a new town) no job, no car and she thinks she loves this guy 21 year old who apparently is a part of gang.

I am just not sure what to do:crying:. She will be 18 in February. She wrote us a note saying that she is going to continue going to school.

I am hoping she is at her girlfriends house.

Any Advice. Should I call the police ? Should I call the School?


#2

Yup. Call the school. If she’s not there, call the police.

My own daughter is 20 now. I can’t do a thing legally about her. I wish I could!

Praying for you
Steph


#3

Call the police now.

The love interest is 21? Depending on where you live this might be illegal. Has your husband visited this man yet and told him to back off his daughter? Perhaps your husband needs to show up at his place of work and let everyone know he is dating a high school student against her parent’s wishes.


#4

I have spoken with my soon to be teen age daughter about things like this all ready… And I have shown her how hard life is out on her own, single mom 3 kids, yeah, and I told her that while she lives under my house it will be my rules no matter how old she is and she said she will continue trying to abide by them…She gets sent to time out a lot rebellious child, but she doesn’t threaten to leave, she did that once last year, never again…I showed her where homeless people go and that no one will help her other than (GOD) and myself…SO ever since then she’s stopped with her extra rantings of independence as if she can support herself???

I told her (playing around of course) that when she was 16 she better hurry and get a job because by 18 she was moving out, she was like WHAT BUT I’LL BE GOING TO COLLEGE MOM!!! LOL I was like “good that’s what I thought!!” LOL I know cruel but let me tell you when kids now-a-days are doing all the things they want, including premarital sex it’s kind of like a bomb hitting you when your child decides she/he wants to be independent without even knowing how?! So I definitely can tell you she has a taste of hard life and if she wants it I will be more than happy to open the door out for her…That’s why I have also strict rules about dating…first of all at 12,13,14,15,16?? What’s the point of dating anyhow??? Just to look cool in front of your friends? I have been reading more to them about marriage and spouses and reasons for relationships, even at her age it’s a necessity esp when all her friends ages 10-13 are dating…In what they call “steady” relationships…lol… I am just like girl do you both have jobs? good college degrees? Ok then there’s your answer!! LOL I am trying to have her learn from my mistakes of getting married and having children over working and then going to school so that she can learn to hold off on impulses just because… The more I talk to her I am hoping to GOD one of them will stick to her…and hopefully soon! Because she’s all ready getting out of control on her attitude, scared it might get worst before it gets better…

Of course it’s a work in progress, she has her good moments and bad ones as well as her good days and bad, we’re working on more good days than bad…And hopefully she will make the right choices when the time comes…One can only hope you know!? AND PRAY!

I would call her friends, and see if they have seen her…If you know this 21 year old guy find him or call him and try to get a hold of her… She’s still a minor and as such your responsibility if within 72 hours she doesn’t return get on the phone with the cops…

You should also include the school just in case she shows up there you know!?

God bless and good luck!


#5

I wouldn’t wait the 72 hours…since she is a minor she is technically a missing person right now. You need to call the police…a lot can happen in 72 hours - especially in the company of adult men her boyfriend might be acquainted with. Drive around and look for her…knock on doors. She is still a child right now and you need to get her back home.


#6

I agree with calling the police, but at 17, from what I have heard/seen the police will sometimes intervene and sometimes will not. After the age of 16, I don’t believe a child can be forced to attend school, either.

I do have some advice, and that is to NEVER present anything except a united front with your husband to your daughter when she comes back (and I think she will come back). This is hard to do. I only had trouble with my daughters when they were around the age of 13, (one is 13 now, and we’ve had a couple of instances of defiance with her), but I made her father agree to say NOTHING to the girls at all, for any reason, unless he was calm and he had spoken to me first, and then we approached the child together.

Don’t lose your cool, and don’t let your husband lose his cool. Sit down with her when she returns and let her know that because of her age, you have to work together and create a contract for what is acceptable and what isn’t at home. Listen to her, and if she has legitimate complaints against, say, hypocrisy on her dad’s part, acknowledge it. Listen, but don’t compromise on anything that could harm her, like the 21-year old gang member.

Let her know you want the best for her, and the best life for her, and you are willing to give her some freedom in exchange for respect, but don’t compromise on the respect. You can also apologize for the times you haven’t respected her, and agree to work on giving her respect, too.


#7

Something tells me that your daughter may not have wanted to leave, but was trying to prove a point.

This could have been “the last straw” so to speak.

It could be that she perceives you as too overbearing or controlling.

I’ve had to do a similar thing with my family. I didn’t run away, I have just been establishing a greater degree of independence and pushing them away from controlling and manipulating my life. I don’t call them often or tell them much. I make decisions on my own. I tell them in no uncertain terms what they can expect from me and what is unreasonable.

Mind you, at 22 I am a perfectly legal adult. But they tend to treat me like a 13 year old…not so much in what they say but how they act…in the vibes they send out. I feel like they have never “given” me “permission” to be an adult…like they haven’t acknowledged that I am not a child. It’s kinda depressing and really stresses our relationship.

Anyway, of course your daughter is still a minor and stuff. You should definitely try to find her. But this might give you an idea about what she is feeling (regardless of whether it is founded or unfounded). Maybe you should ask her what she thinks of her relationship with you guys. Just let her talk. Ask few questions. Make no assumptions. You are more likely to get to the heart of things that way. Plus, she won’t be on her guard as much if you just let her rant.


#8

I would definetly agree with going to the police immediately - however - I would not confront this man at all. I would do that through a police report as she is a minor. Especially if he is involved in a gang there is too much of a chance of things turning violent and your husband having to defend himself. Best case/worst case: he gets hurt or he goes to jail as it is a he said/he said situation and gangs will always have the same story. I believe in most states since she is a minor you can file a Restraining Order on her behalf depending on the law. The police would be the ones to let you know.


#9

Because your daughter is a minor, the police will take a runaway juvenile report & enter her as missing/runaway immediatley upon the report being turned in & it is usually a requirement that missing/runaway juvenile reports be completed before the officer leaves his shift. If your daughter has not yet returned, and I pray she has, please do this.
Your husband should not confront the boyfriend as he could get into trouble, but the boyfriend’s info or anything you know about him at all should be given to the police when/if you report this. If this relationship continues, you may consider further actions against him on your daughter’s behalf.


#10

Well spoken Renny-

Also don’t forget to pray for God’s grace to the boyfriend. As much as we may all have some choice words to describe him right now if you are angry towards him it will cause division and make reconciliation with your daughter that much more difficult. It is better if he is a nonentity in the room.


#11

I agree with calling the police. If she is staying with this boyfriend, there is a good case that they may be having sex. If that’s so, you can get him for statutory rape. Anyone over the age of 18 who has sex with someone under that age is commiting it. Other than that, I think she needs a good whack upside the head. (not exactly serious on this point)


#12

Thank you guys for your advice. Please pray for my family.
You have given me some things to think about.


#13

Laws vary by state, but in general, that is not the case. Most states set the age of consent at 16 (such as your state, Kansas), and in others there are exceptions for when the individuals are only a few years apart.


#14

Good Lord. A guy whose 21, apparently part of a gang, with your 17 year old daughter, um yeah that’s a red flag in my book. Do you know what gangs do to 17 year olds? I’m sure I needn’t explain. Find your daughter and bring her back under your roof. You can worry about rules, discipline, school, ect… later; most important thing is her safety. My goodness, if I were in your situation, that guy would be a hospital patient right now, instead of a gang member. I am a very protective person when comes to the folks that mean dear to me. Mess with them and we have big problems on our hands.


#15

We live in an evil and fallen world. The secular authorities have long since stripped parents of the right to grab these little rebels by the scruff of the neck and toss them into their bedrooms without supper. Forty years ago, dad could have busted junior right in the chops and told him he was never to be seen near his daughter again.

But these days, junior is in a gang and protected by liberal courts and corrupt lawyers. If dad kicks junior’s butt, dad gets locked up, and junior sues you (if he didn’t have his gang visit you first) and probably wins your bank account!

I’m telling you it’s a real mess and there really isn’t much you can do… legally except pray, talk to her and work to keep the lines of communication open at all costs. Inviting her to bring junior over for dinner might not be a bad idea. It will give you a chance to learn more about him. It might help to ease some of your concerns. Right now, without real knowledge, you are assuming the worse. That’s never helpful.

Let junior know that your little girl is your *entire world *and you just don’t know what you would do without her. That will make him wonder what you might be capable of if he did anything to her. Be very careful not to make any threats. Make it a “fun” night. That will get him to thinking a little bit.

If you haven’t heard from her… you should call the police and school.


#16

Talk is cheap. You wouldn’t touch anybody… These days “Junior” would either shoot you or sue you. Also, your comments serve nothing but to cause unnecessary additional worry that these parents are suffering right now.

I know you are trying to help, but it’s my hope that she ignore your post. I’ve raised three daughters who gave me fits at times. All now in their 20s now and doing fine. Been there and done it!


#17

I’m telling you it’s a real mess and there really isn’t much you can do… legally except pray, talk to her and work to keep the lines of communication open at all costs. Inviting her to bring junior over for dinner might not be a bad idea. It will give you a chance to learn more about him. It might help to ease some of your concerns. Right now, without real knowledge, you are assuming the worse. That’s never helpful.

Unfortunately now there are some places you can’t even legally pray in - I don’t know why they call them teenagers anymore - the law has turned them into little adults that can’t vote. I am praying for your family. How is it going - are there any updates?


#18

Lol, your daughter is not you, she can do as she wishes, whatever the outcome of her actions it is her responsibility, not yours.


#19

Oh yes I have in the past, and I will in the future. Please don’t put words in my mouth. I would more than welcome a lawsuit, or my death than a dead family member. First comes a warning, then if junior dares to touch my daughter in anyway, we have problems. You know our local abortion clinic is in moderate crime area. The police warned me, that going out there to pray, I carry the risk of being shot or hurt. If I can put my life at risk(however high or low it is) for unborn children I do not know, you better believe that I’d do the same for family. When she becomes an adult there isn’t much one can do if she wants to be with the guy. For right now though, these parents have a girl, God knows where, and has a supposed 21 year old gang member as boyfriend. I wouldn’t sit on a couch twiddle my thumbs and only pray that she’s alright. Granted while I would pray, the common sense God gave me says go find her and bring her back. Or make sure that she has safe food and shelter over her head.


#20

Update_ She is coming home today! :)I am going to pick her up from school. I was able to see and talk to her yesterday. She feels bad and wants to finish school. She made it to school today and the 21 year old text me and wanted to bring her home and ask for my forgiveness. I don’t know his story about the gang. For now I just want her home. He wants to talk us because he cares about her but I told him we needed time. The reality is that she will be 18 in February and she will be able to do what she wants so I feel if I can just keep her home until she graduates that will give me enough time to really influence and help guide her the right way. My husband is still upset but I am trying to get him to just forgive and reach her in a loving way.


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