19 y.o. son not interested in girls...

Hello all,
I'm starting to get a little worried about my oldest son. He is not interested in girls and has never had a girlfriend. He goes to school, plays guitar, works around the house, goes to church...and is real family oriented, but has very little social life. Granted, we live in a very rural area with not very many opportuniy's to be social, but how worried should a parent be? BTW, pretty sure he's not gay. Thanks, Samson

[quote="Samson01, post:1, topic:234259"]
Hello all,
I'm starting to get a little worried about my oldest son. He is not interested in girls and has never had a girlfriend. He goes to school, plays guitar, works around the house, goes to church...and is real family oriented, but has very little social life. Granted, we live in a very rural area with not very many opportuniy's to be social, but how worried should a parent be? BTW, pretty sure he's not gay. Thanks, Samson

[/quote]

I wouldn't be worried at all.
Some folks are slow bloomers - guys or girls.

Thanks Catharina, I really don’t want to ask him about it and leave at, “have you met any nice people at school?”, once in a while. He just doesn’t seem to care. I was gaga over his mom at that age and still am.

My husband's good friend never had a girlfriend in high school or college. He has always been a great guy, but was shy and didn't know how to approach girls. His parents actually confronted him when he was in high school to ask if he was gay. I think he was so stunned that he didn't give them an answer, but just walked out of the room.

He is in his 30s now, and dating his first girlfriend. He's still a great guy, with a good career and his own place.

Please just give it time. As long as your son knows he can always talk to you, try to avoid asking him questions on this subject. At his age, if he has questions for you, he will ask.

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[quote="Samson01, post:3, topic:234259"]
Thanks Catharina, I really don't want to ask him about it and leave at, "have you met any nice people at school?", once in a while. He just doesn't seem to care. I was gaga over his mom at that age and still am.

[/quote]

:) What a nice departure from the norm in our sex crazed society. Sounds like he is a good, well-rounded kid. Is he going to college? I met most of my friends there, I was pretty antisocial in high school (had lots of boyfriends unfortunately).

maybe he is called to the single life? It's a very respectable vocation. Who knows, you might even have a future priest on your hands.

[quote="Samson01, post:3, topic:234259"]
Thanks Catharina, I really don't want to ask him about it and leave at, "have you met any nice people at school?", once in a while. He just doesn't seem to care. I was gaga over his mom at that age and still am.

[/quote]

It's possible that he doesn't "seem to care"
because he really doesn't care. Good for him.

As for you and your wife? Different generations for sure.
Boy/girl, man/woman is so exploited these days that
you might want to count your blessings re his late blooming!

[quote="Samson01, post:1, topic:234259"]
Hello all,
I'm starting to get a little worried about my oldest son. He is not interested in girls and has never had a girlfriend. He goes to school, plays guitar, works around the house, goes to church...and is real family oriented, but has very little social life. Granted, we live in a very rural area with not very many opportuniy's to be social, but how worried should a parent be? BTW, pretty sure he's not gay. Thanks, Samson

[/quote]

Don't worry, he is still really young. Everyone goes through life at a different pace.

I'm a guy and about a year from turning 30 and never had a girlfriend. I know my parents are concerned always ask me if I am interested in any nice girls, etc but they also know that when I find a girl she will be a good for me. I'm patient and know I'll find someone eventually.

On the other hand, I'm very social, active, know tons of people, and live in a city. (Although, that and my age probably gives my parents more reason to worry).

Just remember there used to be a time, where it was very typical for men to wait until they could afford to provide a home etc. for their future bride before pursuing relationships and that many men and women only had one such relationship, the person they married. Just because today, the message is you should start looking around at what “12” doesn’t mean it’s right.

I think, it’s noble, and possible that your son is the type that will wait until he finds the one and only whenever that may be.

[quote="Samson01, post:1, topic:234259"]
Hello all,
I'm starting to get a little worried about my oldest son. He is not interested in girls and has never had a girlfriend. He goes to school, plays guitar, works around the house, goes to church...and is real family oriented, but has very little social life. Granted, we live in a very rural area with not very many opportuniy's to be social, but how worried should a parent be? BTW, pretty sure he's not gay. Thanks, Samson

[/quote]

Hi, Samson: Your post doesn't really say, but what are you specifically worried about? You've indicated he don't think he's gay, so I don't get the impression that's your specific worry. Are you worried that he won't marry and will be lonely, won't have children (and grandchildren for you), etc?

Your son sounds like a nice kid. Perhaps he hasn't met anyone because he just doesn't have the same interests as girls in your community. Or, perhaps he's hoping to leave after he's out of school to pursue other interests...thus, he doesn't want anything (i.e. girls) to hold him down from that. It's hard to say, I suppose. If you're truly concerned, I think I'd just ask him about it.

Thanks both of you. He's a great guy. I don't think he has a vocation in the Priesthood, but that could very possibly happen in the future. Yes he gets his AA degree in Dec. and goes to University then. He may go out of state to UMass or to WVU local. I'm hoping he goes to UMASS for the experience. I'm not worried about him cutting loose and messing up as he has proving himself reliable...but love can do weird things and he is inexperienced.

[quote="Samson01, post:1, topic:234259"]
Hello all,
I'm starting to get a little worried about my oldest son. He is not interested in girls and has never had a girlfriend. He goes to school, plays guitar, works around the house, goes to church...and is real family oriented, but has very little social life. Granted, we live in a very rural area with not very many opportuniy's to be social, but how worried should a parent be? BTW, pretty sure he's not gay. Thanks, Samson

[/quote]

maybe god is calling him to be a monk or a priest or a missionary...or calling him to the single life ...

I never had a gf in high school. Dating was too expensive and honestly there were no girls worth the trouble. Dating seems like a waste of time until you're ready to settle down and get married. I preferred to spend my free time hiking, fishing, or taking road trips.

[quote="Jay82, post:7, topic:234259"]
On the other hand, I'm very social, active, know tons of people, and live in a city. (Although, that and my age probably gives my parents more reason to worry).

[/quote]

I guess I'm worried he doesn't know the difference between a "nice" girl or not so nice girl. I'm hoping he takes it slowly and learns before he does something based on emotions of first love...

Maybe he is really "picky" when it comes to girls, or he could just not be interested in romance of any kind (such people do exist, even today).

Some background, my son was faced with extraordinary circustances at the age of 12 when I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. At that young age, I had to have a heart to heart with him about being the man of the family if I died. I know it doesn't sound fair, but that was the cards we where dealt. He is now very vigilant toward the family having lived through that with us. That could possibly be a reason he doesn't go "far" from home. Not sure...

[quote="catharina, post:6, topic:234259"]
It's possible that he doesn't "seem to care"
because he really doesn't care. Good for him.

As for you and your wife? Different generations for sure.
Boy/girl, man/woman is so exploited these days that
you might want to count your blessings re his late blooming!

[/quote]

yeah, it is a blessing as his younger brother(13) is girl crazy...on the phone every night. Surprisingly, the younger son is an altar boy and says he wants to be a Priest.lol. The Lord has a sense of humor.

Thanks for all the advice. I just let him grow up at his own pace in that regard and pray...:)

This was my husband. He had his first girlfriend at 21 (it was me). Totally normal guy. Great husband now . Well my personal thought on why he didn't date is that God obviously set him aside just for me, of course :)
But on a practical level, there are always other causes.
Anyways, we have talked about why he didn't date before and I will share the reasons with you so that maybe you can get a little sense of why a normal, heterosexual boy would put off dating.

His reasons for not dating sooner:

  • Fear of his parent's scrutiny (his mom had a real hard time when his older brother started dating in high school, really tore the girlfriends apart). Nothing made her happy and she had a hard time "letting go" of her kids. My husband wanted to be out of the house and away from that before dating because he knew it would be drama.

  • Disliked the superficiality of high school/college dating. Saw alot of girls only go after the macho types or the guys with nice cars or money. Didn't want to compete with that and deal with the drudgery.

  • Too darn busy. Full scholarship that took a lot of work and worked at Walmart on the weekends :)

  • Fear or rejection. Even if he could put all of those other reasons aside, maybe he wouldn't want to put them aside, ya know? Because they protected him from the ultimate fear, which was fear of rejeciton.

[quote="MercyMia, post:18, topic:234259"]
His reasons for not dating sooner:

  • Fear of his parent's scrutiny (his mom had a real hard time when his older brother started dating in high school, really tore the girlfriends apart). Nothing made her happy and she had a hard time "letting go" of her kids. My husband wanted to be out of the house and away from that before dating because he knew it would be drama.

  • Disliked the superficiality of high school/college dating. Saw alot of girls only go after the macho types or the guys with nice cars or money. Didn't want to compete with that and deal with the drudgery.

  • Too darn busy. Full scholarship that took a lot of work and worked at Walmart on the weekends :)

  • Fear or rejection. Even if he could put all of those other reasons aside, maybe he wouldn't want to put them aside, ya know? Because they protected him from the ultimate fear, which was fear of rejeciton.

[/quote]

Thanks for your insight MercyMia. I bet on the second reason as he has commented on that before. But, I was in the store once with him and a girl in line was staring at him, smiling and he turned as red as an apple, turned tail and ran out of there. I ribbed him a bit, but he acted like he didn't notice... I have to be real careful about this.

[quote="Samson01, post:16, topic:234259"]
yeah, it is a blessing as his younger brother(13) is girl crazy...on the phone every night. Surprisingly, the younger son is an altar boy and says he wants to be a Priest.lol. The Lord has a sense of humor.

[/quote]

Yeah, I've got one of both too. Older son is almost 20 and has never (to my knowledge) been out on a date, although he's gone out with mixed groups of friends. He's at university now and he's a pretty private person about things like that so if he does ask a girl out, I probably won't know about it for a while. He's an introvert, but friendly and fun. He is in his 2nd year of a very demanding degree program as well having as an engrossing hobby (aerospace engineering; flies RC planes for fun, also is a pilot himself). I would think that he will find a girl with some of the same interests as he has.

Younger son has already had 2 serious girlfriends and he is 17. The last one broke his heart. I think it's less likely that your older son will make stupid mistakes because he is already more mature than that. Our younger son has been "girl crazy" since middle school. Getting his heart shattered pinned his ears back a little though. I'm just sad he didn't believe what I told him about getting sexual outside of marriage. :(

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.