21 year old son


#1

my son is 21 he moved out in jan of this year. he lived with a friend of his, this kid is a pretty nice guy. About 2 months ago he met this girl. her mom is a coke head and she is very mature for her age.

she know how to play guys. he already is now in credit card debt because of this family.

Two weeks ago he asked to come home. I said my rules. Church is number one i wont bend.He is going back to church.

He left his friends becasue he doesnt want to hear anything about this girl she is a real piece of work and her mother is really something. these people are looking for another sucker and they now found him.

He knows she cheated on him. I had him on the right track then then mother found out and had the daughter tell him im going to change (you know the story).

Well its been 2 weeks and i cant take much more. i swear im going to have a heart attack. But if i kick him out im afraid he will go there and then maybe get on drugs like the mother . so im letting him see this girl pretending im okay with with this, but he knows deep down im not.

he is getting money soon from a settlement from back pay. if i hang on i can at least let him get a nice truck andnot let them have that money at least.

im trying to talk him into building a house on my property to use his money on him. But he has this girl bleeding him dry.

he just go another credit card with a 20,000 limit. he makes decent money, they know that what can i do.

Please pray for us all any advice would be great


#2

Hate to say it, but he is 21. He is an adult. You can’t MAKE him do anything regarding this girl. Tough love, maybe? What attracted her to him?


#3

He’s 21. You said when he came home that it would be your rules. As long as he is abiding by the rules, there’s not much you can do. If he’s not abiding by your rules, on the other hand, you might have to say, “I’m sorry, but you can’t stay here any more. You have X number of weeks to move out.” Then keep your word.

I understand about his settlement, but it is his settlement. Sometimes, the young adults in the world need unfortunate lessons that only come through experience. Sadly, some of them insist on it.


#4

Are you the mother or father of the kid? If you are the mother, maybe you need to have the father take a turn at convincing him. And since he is 21, it will take convincing, because legally you most likely cannot keep his money. Or, is there another older (and more responsible) brother that can talk some sense into him? What about a parish priest? What about the guy friend he was living with - I couldn’t tell if he left because the guy friend was trying to talk sense to your son or not. Maybe there is a nearby Catholic young adult group that he can get involved with? Perhaps there is a forum member near you that might be willing to go to the gym and lift a few weights with him or spar a few rounds with him?

The overriding theme of this post is that it may take a male to get through to him.


#5

yeah im the mother. His dad is like me trying to help him get out to the debt he is already in. His friend he lived with told him how she was cheating on him and using him. thats why i think he left.

He came here real upset a couple weeks ago upset. thats when we were trying to talk sense to him.

thats when he went home and the girls mother got to him. took him to a bar at midnight. I think she thought his friend was the one who got to him and got him thinking straight. but it was us.

THATS WHY SHE GOT HIM TO COME HOME. LITTLE DID SHE KNOW IT WAS US WHO CONVIENCED HIM,

ITS JUST HE IS IN DEBT NOW. I DONT WANT HIM IN ANY DEEPER, SHE IS GOING TO LEAVE ANYWAY EVERYONE KNOWS THAT,


#6

Also Right Now She Thinks I Like Her. I Have To Pretend I Do And Let Her Come. Because Its The Only Way I Can Kind Of Express My Opinion If You Know What I Mean,

I Know You Have To Let You Kids Get Burnt. But Its Just If There Is A Way I Can Open His Eyes Before Its Not Too Late.

I Really Think She Thinks She Is Comming Here To Live. She Was Here The Other Day Looking Around Like This Is Where She Will Be. I Really Think She Thinks We Have Money. But We Wont Give Him A Dime Right Now. My Husband Told Him You Can Live Here Free And Get Those Credit Cards Off You Back. But We Wont Give You Any Money. Pay The Cards With Food Money Or What Not. We Will Feed You We Dont Want Any Money But You Pay Off The Bills With That Money You Spent For Rent.

But If Shes Is Getting Things On His Cards What Good Are We Doing For Him.

We Are Just Going Down With Him.

I Swear I Want To Say Out. But The Only Thing Thats Stopping Me Is That Mother. If She Is On Crack And If Hes Around It. One Bad Depressing Day And Hes Screwed. They Say Once Is All It Takes.

This Mother Is Something. She Had Her 21 Year Old Daughter Live With A 37 Year Old Because He Had Money And She Neeeded A Roof Over Her Head,

My Sons Dating The 18 Year Old And All They Think Of Is Money. They Are Taught It.

Im Not Just Dealing With A Regular Kid Getting Screwed Over By A Girl. Im Talking A Forty Some Year Old Mother Leading The Pack. I Just Need A Way To Open His Eyes.and Soon.

Believe Me Im Not Trying To Run His Life. Thats Why I Let Him Leave After College. Its More This Women Then The Kid I Actually Feel Sorry For Her. But Not Enought To Take My Kid Down.

I Know She Really Doesnt Like Him At All Its The Mom I Know It. Shes Putting Her Up To It. Its All About The Money.

But This Kid Is 18 And Trust Me Way Ahead Of Her Time. She Dating Many Other Men. Trust Me.


#7

Does your son pay any rent to you for living in your home? Is he helping you with any household expenses? If not, he needs to start helping you out. If he doesn’t, then tell him he’s got to move out. You cannot let his choices rule your life. If he chooses to make a mess out of his life, then you need to let him. Many people need to be out on their own and make their own mistakes before learning any lessons. It’s hard and I know what I’m talking about here. Letting go of your adult children is very hard, but you can’t continue living your life in fear of what your son might choose to do. It is his life. Pray to St. Monica for help. She listens and will help. Pray, pray, pray! to God for help. Pray that your son wakes up to what these people are doing to him. I’ll be praying for you also.


#8

But rinnie- it doesn’t matter what age she is. Your son is the one making the decisions. I know you are worried about him. I know he is being a rockhead, and not acting very bright on top of it. I know he probably has debt up to his eyeballs. He is the one who thinks he knows everything. If you try an end-run by being fake-nice to the gf, etc., even though it is for his own good, it’s liable to backfire on you.

Please, don’t make yourself sick over this. It will not do anybody any good. I know. I’ve been there.

If he is not abiding by the rules you set down, you have to let him go, along with his credit problem- and it is his credit problem (thank goodness it isn’t your responsibility, right?).


#9

On that note,I would suggest that rinnie consult a lawyer to make sure she is not unprotected in case the son gets into credit trouble, and that she continue to be vigilant, not co-sign for anything, and - additionally - since she said that drugs are involved here (via the girl’s mother), she and her husband take steps to secure themselves and their home, since a good portion of crime is drug-related.

Rinnie,

Have you given any thought to finding a young adult group? Additionally, you mentuion that your husband is trying to help him get out of debt, but maybe he needs to take the son on a fishing trip for a “man to man” talk and chalk it up to “father-son bonding time”. I only keep harping on this because sometimes it takes another male (preferably one who can bench more) to be assertive and get through to another male.


#10

Rinnie, I think your husband is being more than generous. Food, and a roof if he abides by your rules, but no cash. To give cash would be enabling. I think your dh has a good head on his shoulders… I think you might need to think about the concept of problem ownership… Your adult son’s finances are not your problem if your name isn’t on any accounts.

I agree with the poster that said don’t co-sign anything.
Hopefully, he doesn’t have any joint accounts with this family???
I recommend credit/finance counseling along with that fishing trip.
Not everyone has a gift for math or handling money. I have a brother like that. Very bright young man who chose a college major that had minimal math requirements… He’s fairly successful, but not bright when it comes to handling money or balancing a checkbook. I believe it’s a skill that can be learned.
I also have a son who I fear will be learning things the hard way…


#11

Yes We Agree On Not Giving Him Any Money.

He Has Been Back For Ten Days.

He Gets Paid On Friday .then My Husband Is Supposed To Sit Him Down And Go Over His Bills.

My Plan Is Okay Give Me The Cards. Then Here Is What We Want Every Month, Give Him Like 250 Every 2 Weeks. The Rest Goes On Bills.

We Will Take Nothing. We Will Feed You And Let You Live Here Free. But Not Her. If I Say Unload Her He Wont. Not Yet. But I Figure If She Is Only Seeing Him Have 250 Every 2 Weeks She Will Bail.

He Loves To Work On Cars, So He Wants To Use The Garage I Have A Big 6 Car Garage.

Deal Is Only If I Get Half Electric Bill And Rest Goes On Cards.

I Told Him 1 Year And Your Out And Should Be On Your Feet.

If Not Then Go Now. You Came Home For Help Thats The Best We Can Do.

Thats Why Im Trying To Get Him To Build A Garage And Small House On Top To Get Him Out And Have A Roof Over His Head.

And Hope Shes Gone By Now, She Wont Wait She Wants Money Now. She Will Move On. I Figure Better For Him To See It Now Then Another Ten Or Twenty Thousand.

She Already Is Trying To Get In Here. I Said No Way Shes Not My Responsbiblty.

My Rules Or Take Off.

Just Hope Im Doing The Right Thing Or Should I Just Kick Him To The Curb Now.

Husband Is Hopeing Getting Him Into Cars When Hes Not Working Will Keep Him Busy And His Friend Also Went To School For That. They Are Both Licenced Mechanics. If They Get Back Together He Will Want To Put His Money In That Again.

Husband Has A 80 Ford Four Wheel Drive Its A Collectors. He Is Giving It To Him To Make Big. Fast Whatever You Know Trucks Make Men Boys Again. Alot Of Money.

Or Should I Just Forget It, But I Really Think That No Money She Will Be Gone, Thats What Im Praying. And Hey If She Does Stick Around Maybe She Will Change. This Is Her Last Chance She Promised Him She Is Going To Change (yea Right), But Hey Who Knows,

I Dont Want To Run His Life I Swear. He Came To Me. And That Took Alot. But I Truely Think The Mother Knows Hes On To Them And Blamed His Friend Thats Why He Moved Home.

Little Does She Know It Was Me Who Gave Him The Advice. And He Was So Ready To Kick Her To The Curb.

Then All Of A Sudden He Went Home And The Mother Comes Over A Midnight And Takes Him To The Bar And Then The Daughter Comes And Is Going To Change. (yeah )

See Thats Why He Left His Friends,they Think His Friend Is Putting His Head On Straight.

Little Do They Know They Sent Him Where They Dont Want Him. That Why I Have To Pretent I Like Her Now.

Just For A Little Longer. I Was Getting Him To Think Straight.

But Am I Doing The Right Thing


#12

Give him $250 every 2 weeks? It sounds like you’re managing his money for him. —KCT


#13

You know, when I first got sober my mother helped me learn how to manage my money. I was very embarassed at first, but she approached it in a loving and supportive way. I think she even joked with me that the wealthiest people in the land have ‘financial consultants’ as a way to ease my shame over what I had done to myself and my finances.

I thank God she did not just ‘kick me to the curb’. However, she was also very up front and strict with me…she was willing to help, but only if I was going to give it 110% and follow the plan.

Today I am so grateful for the help she gave me. Your son is in trouble. You have a right to be strict, honest and up front with him as to exactly what you are willing to do - and if he has any brains at all he will grab onto the lifeline you have thrown him and hang on for dear life.

You are good parents - you are in my prayers…as are the women you describe. Their lives are being wasted. May Venerable Matt Talbot intercede for them so that they may get their lives back on track soon.


#14

Excellent advice! There is nothing worse than finding out somebody has swiped your credit cards, or worse, your identity.

I will agree, Leslie, that rinnie can help him- if rinnie is strict with him. If he is running all over her, which isn’t clear to me from what she wrote, what is the point?:confused:


#15

IF I COME OFF THAT WAY THATS NOT WHAT IM TRYING TO DO. BUT HE ASKED FOR OUR HELP. HE WILL EITHER TAKE IT OR HE WONT. BUT I SWEAR IT WASNT MY IDEA FOR HIM TO COME HOME.

I LEARNED THE HARD WAY YOU HAVE TO LET THEM GO AND THEY WILL COME BACK.

YOU KNOW I THOUGHT WHEN HE LEFT MY LIFE WOULD BE HELL. AND IT WAS FOR ABOUT A MONTH. BUT THEN GUESS WHAT. I GAVE IT UP TO GOD AND I WAS HAPPY.

NOW IF FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE BELEVE IT OR NOT I DONT WANT HIM HOME. HE HAS TO GET OUT ON HIS OWN. ITS THE ONLY WAY HE WILL RESPECT ME AND GROW UP.

THIS IS A TEMPORARY SITUATION. THE ONLY REASON IM DONG THE 250 IS THE SOONER HES OUT OF DEBT OR HAS LEARNED TO GET OUT OF DEBT THE RIGHT WAY AND SAVE HIS CREDIT HE WILL KNOW HOW NOT TO DO THIS AGAIN.

AND THE SOONER HES GONE

TRUST ME IN ANOTHER MONTH HE WILL WANT TO LEAVE SO BAD AND I WILL WANT HIM TO GO.

I JUST SEE NO OTHER WAY OUT THEN TO LET HIM STARVE TO DEATH. OR GO BANKRUPT. AND I DONT WANT THAT.

BUT IT WILL BE HIS CHOICE NOT MINE. IF HE LEAVES IT WILL ALSO BE ON GOOD TERMS.

BUT HIS CHOICE.]
BUT I CANT SEE LETTING HIM LIVE HERE AND DO IT HIS WAY HE WILL NEVER LEAVE.

I WANT IT SHORT AND SWEET.

IF HE DOESNT STRUGGLE HE WONT LEARN HIS LESSON. HE HAS TO LEARN TO DO WITHOUT, ACTUALLY THAT FAMILY HAS TO LEARN THAT. WHATS SAD IS NONE OF THIS WAS ON HIM. VERY LITTLE THATS FOR SURE.


#16

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