Should I. I know that most women like men who are independent and don’t rely on mommy and daddy. Sure I work but my job isn’t the best. Yes I’m going to school to get my masters but to me education doesn’t necessarily mean employment and I don’t want to be an unemployed egghead. Add to that the fact that I have a lot of debt and am not that attractive and have issues with anxiety, should I even consider dating?
I guess I just want a concrete answer because God hasn’t given me one (though my prayer life quite honestly stinks right now). I worry that I’m just not pursuing the right vocation since I haven’t been a success at relationships (I dated a girl for 6 months and it was long distance so it isn’t like we saw each other than often) and sometimes I just feel like I should just give up and focus on getting out of debt and just working to be closer to God. I don’t even really feel sad about this. Anymore I look at it as that I’m a catholic without a great job or great looks and no prospects and I’m just one of the unlucky few who won’t get to be married. It’s just God’s will. Rather than complain or cry like a big fat baby i’ll just take what God gives me. And if that means the cross of singleness than all I can do is carry it.
Don’t loose hope that soon!
Look, I know how hard is to be looking for someone and not finding it (I’m single myself and looking, so I understand you). I think that you should ask yourself some questions:
Are you ready to get married? I know that dating and getting married are not the same thing, but what I mean is: would you be able to get married in maybe 2-3 years from now? (Maybe starting with a strict budget, since you have some debt).
Do you have some issues that you need to resolve before starting a relationship? Sometimes we have some ‘baggage’ (ex. Scars left by previous relationships, eating disorders, low self esteem problems). it would be better to at least start to solve those problems before starting a relationship (look, maybe tomorrow you will meet the woman of your life and everything is gonna be perfectly fine. But if you know that you have some issues that you would like to solve before entering in a relationship, start to solve them. I make an example: my ex boyfriend broke up with me because he fell in love with one of my girlfriends. Our relationship wasn’t a good relationship but what happened left me some scars: I find difficult to trust guys, to be sure that they are not gonna leave me. I know this could be a problem in a future relationship and I have to solve it).
Why would you seek a relationship with someone?
There was a moment in my life where I was obsessed with finding a boyfriend. I felt that my life was ‘on hold’ until that moment. Then I realized that I just wanted someone that could fill my needs, make me feel loved and cherished. I wanted someone who could solve my emotional needs, and I’m sure that, with this motives, every relationship would have been a disaster.
Apart from that, look: I live in Europe and here is super normal to live with your parents. As long as you are not lazy and your attitude is not ‘mommy and daddy are gonna take care of everything’, you will have no problem. There are a lot of wonderful women out there, don’t worry!!
Most the women that I have gone out on dates with and my last girlfriend still lived with their parents. Even though most of them could make it on their own. It is common these days. I would not worry too much about that. I know people who are not exceptionally good looking and even unemployed, not looking for work, with alcohol and legal problems who get girlfriends. You can find someone willing to go out with you. You just have to look.
I don’t know if i’ll ever be able to be married. I worry that I’ll never get out of debt and that I just screwed myself over with that. Besides I worry about maturity issues because I still live at home. Women will just think i’m some lazy millennial mommas boy living in the basement.
I almost worry I have too many issues. I have a lot of anxiety related to how I’m perceived by people. I’m worried that I’m this fat ugly weirdo who can’t get a good job or have a good life and that if I get a good job I can get married and fulfill my vocation. But I also worry that maybe God’s just called me to be single or worse doesn’t have much of a plan for me other than whats asked of everyone. That makes me feel like a kind of left over. The thing is sometimes I feel like marriage is too hard because of my issues and I just want to go and just live by myself somewhere off in the mountains away from people and just be close to God.
I really don’t know why i want a relationship other than that I guess in a way it would make me seem normal. Also I do want companionship and to start my own life. I feel like it would be better for me as well because I wouldn’t be lonely. as I write these though I see these are red flags and maybe I idealize marriage too much. I know its tough but I feel like i’m tough enough to handle it. On the other hand I just want an easy life and being single would be easy for me. I’d just work and thats that.
First of all, you don’t need to be “good at relationships” to get married. You need to have one good relationship with the woman God intends for you. I don’t know why people think they can’t have a good relationship with a spouse unless they have years of failed relationships behind them. Do people say, “Yeah, he’s a great attorney! He’s got years of experience losing cases?” I don’t get it.
Second of all, you are correct that women aren’t generally falling all over themselves to meet a guy who lives with his parents, but there’s a reason for that. Growing up means learning to take care of yourself and others, being financially responsible, taking care of your own affairs, and having the skills to manage a household. If you are working on those attributes while you live with your folks, that’s one thing. If you are living with your folks in order to avoid working on those life skills, well that isn’t very attractive. No woman wants to take on a 26-year-old baby. But, of course, there’s a simple solution to that. Get up out your mama’s house. OR at the very least, focus on learning the life skills you need to be a good husband and father while you are living at home.
Third, and lastly, 26 is not very old. Most men are not ready for marriage at your age.
Consider this my friend, you’re essentially half a decade away from the average age of a male getting married now! You have plenty of time to discern if marriage is for you, find a spouse, etc.
You’re also still in school and in graduate school at that, you’re not expected to have an amazing job already. You’re expected to be the typical struggling graduate student with ramen noodles! No worries, you’re doing fine, just keep working on your graduate degree.
As for future employment, one of the most eggregious mistakes many graduates make especially those from graduate schools is the erroneous belief that they have to pursue a career related to their degree. Simply having a bachelors degree opens a large number of doors, in many fields, there isn’t a concern for what the degree specifically pertains to. The same is true of graduate degrees.
As for attractiveness, seriously, it’s not as big of a deal as you might imagine. Start going to the gym, a large factor of attractiveness is fitness, you’re young enough where you can completely control that. In addition to that, it will likely be a huge boost to your confidence. Between the two, you’ll find a different outlook on life.
As for debt, if it’s student debt, if you handle it correctly upon graduation you may be eligible for some income based repayment plans. Don’t worry about it for now, other than trying to minimize frivolous expenses.
It seems you assume too much. May I suggest getting a therapist? I’m not allowed to give you medical advice but your negativity may also be the result of social anxiety in general. Living at home with your parents is no big deal. Think of how much rent money you’re saving. Plan. Set goals. A relationship means two people, not just one. A real relationship is built on friendship and earned trust. Perhaps, at this point, being single would be better - for you. Your feelings may change over time.
Marriage is meant to be entered into with two people who are compatible and on the same page. Single or married, there will be ups and downs.
Take one thing at at a time-- set attainable goals in baby steps in araeas that u feel need improvement and before you know it-things will get better. But you need to put effort into it.
There is nothing wrong with living at home until you are finacially independent, but you must work towards that and save money.
You are settling-perhaps you are depressed. Counseling may help too.
Thanks for the advice. And yeah I have anxiety but not social. At least not social in the sense i’m a recluse.
As for being single right now i’m sure your right but i have so many worries about waiting. One is that i’ll end up like my dad. My dad didn’t get married until he was 45 and he ended up dying before I was 16. Also with the anxiety and my brother and sister also having mental problems i’m worried any kids i’d have wouldn’t be healthy. Not that problems can’t occur at any other time in pregnancy but why risk it?
My second worry is that all the good women will be taken. Yes people are waiting longer to be married but A lot of Catholics and devout christians I know still get married by 23 or so. 25 is average and 28 is late. I’m worried all that will be left are those who I probably wouldn’t want to marry in the first place. Or at least that’s what i’d have to wade through to find someone. I’m not saying all those single past 30 aren’t desirable but in away I worry what will be left.
This is why sometimes i’m to the point of just quitting trying and just being a single person forever.
Your 26 ? Well I Had my FIRST. Real Girlfriend at 24 ,
I had never had a girlfriend before that ! Plus I lived with my parents,on a farm,
I wasn’t very bright, some might say I hadn’t improved much from that,.:o
You just need to Advertise yourself as available , if possible get a few friends together and go Bowling , or maybe there might be old time country dances around,
My youngest son when in late teens joined a Brass Band ,I was astounded to see so many available teen girls in a Brass Band ,. And rather cute I might add ,
Don’t worry yourself to much about finding someone that will please your Faith,
Just be yourself ,
It sounds like there might be a lot of other issues such as worry that you’re dealing with. Just remember that you generally have to be comfortable and confident in yourself, before you can really expect to have a relationship with another. As for all of the woman being gone… that shouldn’t be a concern, there are plenty of woman out there. Additionally no one’s saying that you can’t still date or pursue a woman younger than you, besides… something I never thought would be quoted here… remember Jay-Z… “30’s the new 20”!
You’re welcome. It does sound like you have good reasons to be anxious but still, if you can, make a plan and try to stick to it. If you feel overly burdened by worry, it sounds like you need a third party to talk to. I’m not trying to force you, just a thought.
I don’t know. I have a friend in his 50s who found a woman he could really make a commitment to. Otherwise, just take it day by day. That’s what I do.
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