33 and never been married yet... any advice?


#21

[quote="violet81, post:14, topic:223221"]
wouldn't you be dateable to an unattractive woman?

[/quote]

Nice.


#22

[quote="TedDC, post:15, topic:223221"]
In other words: beggars can't be choosers?

[/quote]

I'd call it not being shallow yourself. I think what violet is suggesting would be to not write them off completely. After all there are many "undateable women" wishing that they could find a man who could get past their looks too.

My husband is considerably better looking than I am (after shedding his old "pocket protector nerd" image) yet he's the only person other than my father to sincerely break down, smile, and tell me how cute I am on a somewhat regular basis (just "cute"....not "hot"...not "sexy"...but I like being called "cute" so it works out). The nicer men I know don't comment. Those that do were intentionally trying to make me uncomfortable...or in the case of that one guy, trying to entice me into his unmarked white van.


#23

[quote="Rascalking, post:6, topic:223221"]
GREAT point. I have a huge pet peeve for people who claim how they feel soooo old at ages like...30....40....I mean, wait till they get 70, 80, 90 years old to complain.

[/quote]

My Dad is 73 and he's always talking about how young he feels and how he's shocked to look in the mirror and see a 73 year-old staring back at him.

Attitude is everything.

Age ain't nuthin but a number. ;)


#24

[quote="TedDC, post:13, topic:223221"]
Well, I'm 54 years old and physically very unattractive, which makes me pretty much un-dateable - just as I was at 20 and 30 and 40!

[/quote]

No matter how unattractive you are, there are people who are uglier. Not to sound rude, but look around. Even some of the least attractive people you see are married.

Alot of it has to do with attitude and demenaor. If your generally unpleasent (Not saying you are any of these TedDC) mean, and "Uriah Heepish", don't expect your little black book to be filled!


#25

[quote="jasonsdec77, post:1, topic:223221"]
Hello everyone. I've never been married at all before and I want to have a girlfriend and get married and all of that, but I'm not sure where to look and/or what do . I just recently started going to Mass again and practicing my faith and all of that....

Any advice or suggestions?

p.s. I'm going to the gym and trying to lose a good ammount of weight and taking care of my physical and mental health too= I go to therapy-psychologist reguarly too...

[/quote]

Yes I agree with a lot of other posters! You're young! It's great you're going to the gym and taking care of yourself! Enjoy your life - maybe pursue a hobby you really like - find things that get you jazzed and pursue those things.

You can try meetup.com or a site like that to find folks with similar interests to do things with. Or try volunteering somewhere...any kind of group activities are great for meeting someone.

But I always find we meet people when we least expect it...I dunno why that's how it is...but it just always seems to be the way... :)


#26

[quote="BlueSprite, post:23, topic:223221"]
My Dad is 73 and he's always talking about how young he feels and how he's shocked to look in the mirror and see a 73 year-old staring back at him.

Attitude is everything.

Age ain't nuthin but a number. ;)

[/quote]

Your dad rocks!

When I was in high school I worked at a retail establishment. A 73 year old man always came in wearing rock and roll t-shirts, checking out video games, and generally being the sweetest and funniest old man I ever met. I told him, "When I get to your age, I want to be just like you!" He was flattered, and responded with a joke not suitable for mixed company!


#27

[quote="TedDC, post:13, topic:223221"]
Well, I'm 54 years old and physically very unattractive, which makes me pretty much un-dateable - just as I was at 20 and 30 and 40!

[/quote]

This is your problem. You believe you're un-dateable therefore you are. People can pick-up on these attitudes. There are A LOT of guys whom some would deem "unattractive" who have been wildly successful in the dating scene.

I always figure to focus on things in life we can control. Sure we can't control our looks - but we can control whether or not we're fit, how we dress, basic grooming...speech, personality, humor - our minds, learning, etc...if you carry yourself well...

Focus on what you CAN control to pull yourself out of a funk.

Focusing on things we can't is a recipe for misery.


#28

[quote="Rascalking, post:26, topic:223221"]
Your dad rocks!

When I was in high school I worked at a retail establishment. A 73 year old man always came in wearing rock and roll t-shirts, checking out video games, and generally being the sweetest and funniest old man I ever met. I told him, "When I get to your age, I want to be just like you!" He was flattered, and responded with a joke not suitable for mixed company!

[/quote]

Haha that's great! You're only as old as you feel! My pops is planning on taking up Tango lessons soon and Tai Chi. LOL! :D


#29

Sounds like a self-steem issue, which can happen at any age. Regardless, anyone will be attractive, physically and otherwise, to the ‘right’ person.


#30

My husband and I didn't start dating each other until we were both 38 and we got married when we were 40. We met in a Protestant church singles group. (I have since "reverted" to my Catholic faith and my husband is now in RCIA, something neither of us would have predicted, but it's been wonderful.)

My point is, we were both "looking" in the sense that we were both in the singles group. I know many people say it happens when you aren't looking, but I never would have met my husband if he wasn't in that group. Of course I'm not saying go to a Protestant singles group, but I'd recommend a Catholic singles group if you can find one somewhere.

My husband and I are both attractive, but we were "late bloomers" in the area of confidence, which is probably why were still single in our late 30s. My issues were that I was in a spiritual desert for many years and always went for the wrong guys. My husband, meanwhile, grew up as a shy kid who built his own computers in the basement and was never popular with girls.

As the years went on, my now-husband became a caring, funny, smart IT guy who pushed himself to meet new people. By the time I met him, he still had enough shyness to be down-to-earth, but was self-assured enough to travel for business, be successful in his career and ask women out. He got rejected sometimes by other women in the past, but when he asked me out, I knew a good thing when I saw it! God saved the perfect man for me at exactly the right time.

My advice is, trust God's timing, but continue to grow closer to Him and put yourself in situations where you will meet new people. Even if you haven't done much dating yet, you can still "grow into" yourself and become an even better version of who you already are. Don't be afraid to ask women out...and realize you may be rejected by some. But a smart woman will appreciate a man who has a mix of strength and gentleness.


#31

[quote="Rascalking, post:2, topic:223221"]
Hi! I'm 31, single, and date a fair amount.

  1. Be happy. People like being around other people who are happy. If your not happy, fake it, or, if you want to continue being miserable, find those hipster friends who don't like you very much, but will put up with bad moods.

  2. Get a hobby .Start karate, learn a new trade. Take a class. Do anything that requires a group of men and women.

  3. Don't discuss deep psychological problems on a first date. If you meet a woman you'd like to date, keep it on a "need to know" basis. If you've attempted to kill yourself 4 times, hear voices telling you to burn buildings and think your the King of England, keep it to yourself. ;);););) (that's a joke! Be happy! See number 1!)

  4. Prepare yourself for rejection. You get shot down, don't make a big deal out of it. Just move on and get a thick skin.

[/quote]

All good advice. Pray as well for a good spouse.


#32

A beggar can still be a chooser, they just should lower the standards in their choosing. It isn't like there is a limited supply of unattractive or desperate women.

Though you might not even have to settle. A lot of women are getting pretty desperate. They are use to being played like a fiddle by men who just want to sleep with them and they are getting progressively convinced there is no hope of marriage. Someone willing to actually Marry them may be such a prize that attractiveness won't matter much at all.


#33

[quote="Rascalking, post:26, topic:223221"]
Your dad rocks!

When I was in high school I worked at a retail establishment. A 73 year old man always came in wearing rock and roll t-shirts, checking out video games, and generally being the sweetest and funniest old man I ever met. I told him, "When I get to your age, I want to be just like you!" He was flattered, and responded with a joke not suitable for mixed company!

[/quote]

I had a neighbor in his 70's. One of the first times I talked to him he had just got back from vacation- white water rafting, hang gliding, bunjee jumping and I forget what other extreme sports (his wife just shopped!). He was also into SCUBA and skydiving. I asked him if most of his friends golfed, and he said yes. I asked how often he golfed, and he replied, "Well, I don't right now but I may start when I get old and slow down."


#34

[quote="violet81, post:32, topic:223221"]
A beggar can still be a chooser, they just should lower the standards in their choosing. It isn't like there is a limited supply of unattractive or desperate women.

Though you might not even have to settle. A lot of women are getting pretty desperate. They are use to being played like a fiddle by men who just want to sleep with them and they are getting progressively convinced there is no hope of marriage. Someone willing to actually Marry them may be such a prize that attractiveness won't matter much at all.

[/quote]

All wrong. I'm 40 and refuse to settle for someone I'm not attracted to. He doesn't have to be Adonis but I expect someone to take care of themselves just like I have. I'm also looking for someone who likes an active lifestyle and likes the outdoors. I wouldn't be happy for settling for anything less. I think people should have realistic standards but not ones that are too low either. Many people who settle end up divorced...no thank you rather be single and happy. I do agree though that the number of men out there willing to commit is much lower then the number of women. :cool:


#35

All wrong. I'm 40 and refuse to settle for someone I'm not attracted to.

Not all women are desperate, but some are.

Like women who have kids from a previous relationship and really need financial support.

Or a woman who is terrified that she will miss the opportunity to have kids if she waits much longer.

Or a woman who has a health problem that she might need assistance with but worries that it will be too much for a man to handle.

You might not be desperate yourself, but that doesn't mean desperate women are not out there. I know a few myself.


#36

Do:

Be upstanding.
Be kind
Be happy (already mentioned in a prior post)
Smile a lot and make eye contact
Have good hygiene (shower daily, brush teeth regularly)
Dress well
Be helpful
Be confident
Pray
Be Christ-like

Don't:

Stare
Be desperate
Mope
Talk too much
Talk too little
Be negative


#37

It seems there's a hidden, mysterious, possibly magical place simply called Out There. Somehow, people like us are supposed to find it. People tell me I need to "get out there" and leave it at that. Sometimes, people will try to provide a few clues or hints as to how to find that place, but at least for me, they usually lead to dead ends. Some examples include:

Person X: "You should take that class."
Me: "That is not a subject/topic/activity I'm interested in at all

Person X: "You should take this class."
Me: "I can't afford something like that."

Person X: "You should get a group of friends and go do X."
Me: "I don't have a group of friends."

Person X: "You should join a group at church."
Me: "My church doesn't have a group for people younger than 60."

Person X: "You should ask a girl you work with if she wants to go get a coffee or sometime."
Me: "I work on a team with 15 other guys. Not a single female here."


#38

[quote="jasonsdec77, post:1, topic:223221"]
Hello everyone. I've never been married at all before and I want to have a girlfriend and get married and all of that, but I'm not sure where to look and/or what do . I just recently started going to Mass again and practicing my faith and all of that....

Any advice or suggestions?

p.s. I'm going to the gym and trying to lose a good ammount of weight and taking care of my physical and mental health too= I go to therapy-psychologist reguarly too...

[/quote]

Discern God's will for your life. Always, be in constant prayer. Get out and meet people, even join a singles group like some suggest. But don't make it your life's mission to have to meet the "one", everytime you go out. Let it happen in God's timing. You can't expect to sit at home and not be around people and still meet your future spouse. You got to work with the tools God has given us. Continue to work on yourself, to be the best YOU that God created you to be.

I was 29 when I met my husband. I had discerned for about 6 months if marriage was to be my vocation. I discerned that it was, and then I put it in God's hands for Him to provide the rest. I also discerned that God wanted what was best for me in a spouse, that didn't necessarily mean he had to meet the world's standards, but he had to meet God's standards for me. Don't use society's standards for what is deemed a "good catch." Ask God for wisdom to see the other person through His eyes and His outlook. If marriage is to be your vocation, you deserve the best spouse that God could provide for you. You don't need to settle for anything less than what God wants for you.


#39

[quote="violet81, post:35, topic:223221"]
Not all women are desperate, but some are.

Like women who have kids from a previous relationship and really need financial support.

Or a woman who is terrified that she will miss the opportunity to have kids if she waits much longer.

Or a woman who has a health problem that she might need assistance with but worries that it will be too much for a man to handle.

You might not be desperate yourself, but that doesn't mean desperate women are not out there. I know a few myself.

[/quote]

Personally, I don't think it's fair to a man, to marry him just for child support. Or because she has fears or health issues or what not. Marrying out of desperation sounds rather sad to me. And I think it does a disservice to the other party - whether that's a man or a woman.


#40

Personally, I don't think it's fair to a man, to marry him just for child support. Or because she has fears or health issues or what not. Marrying out of desperation sounds rather sad to me. And I think it does a disservice to the other party - whether that's a man or a woman.

Or it makes them more grateful and a better spouse.

It is commonly thought that unattractive and older women make the best wives because they are less likely to feel "entitled" and to be grateful for every blessing. I am sure the same applies to men.


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