4 years married and trying to make it work


#1

Hello,
I am 33 and my husband is 35. I never moved in with him until the day we got married. I moved into his condo after we got married and things have been quite an adjustment for me. He has lately been very unhappy in our marriage and I have done the wrong thing by confiding with my Dad about the bad times we have been going through. Basically we are two totally different people. He likes concerts and spending times with his guy friends. I have coffee and shop with my girlfriends. I feel like we have been roommates in the last 2 years. We do not have kids. I want a dog and he never will ever get one. he is very set in his ways. The worst thing that just happened is I found texts and e-mails with his friend from TX. He met her one time at a concert with a group of people. He won’t show me the e-mails b/c he has vented to her about me. He does not want to upset me. He swore that he never cheated on me and will never cheat on me. He just talks to her online when he needs to vent. I told my dad this and he called his parents. That only made things worse. His parents called him and told him everything that my dad said on the phone. I am so sorry I told my dad anything and I am very sad and upset he called my husbands parents. On the phone my dad told his parents about this girl he has been texting. I have seen her pic before on his phone. Now he tells me he never cheated on me. She does not love around here. I feel so uncomfortable, but I don’t want to end this marriage. He said he wants to work things out with me. I will have to admit in the past I have made comments on his weight. He got very hurt by that b.c I would make comments about him gaining weight every week. I am sorry, but I don’t want him to be unhealthy and overweight. I am not going to say I am perfect, but a lot of people think I am attractive. (Sorry this is so long) He told me last night that coming home from work makes him depressed b.c I bring him down. I too am very depressed and I cry all the time. I also have epilepsy too. I have been taking seizure meds since I was 20. So all I am asking is how can We both make things better. We don’t want to Separate, but We both don’t know how to make things get better. Please don’t say marriage counseling. What can I do to spend more time with him? I feel like I am boring to him. My depression has gotten worse. If we are going to work things out I really need some guidance. Talking to my Dad has only made things worse for the both of us. My husband thinks that my whole family Hates him and they really dont. My family does not want to see me depressed and get hurt. I have never been married before and never lived with a man before until the day I got married. I need some help. Please save my marriage.


#2

Do you live your catholic faith? do you go to church together? The spiritual lives of yours is very important to know about before anyone could give you good advice :slight_smile:


#3

If you really want to stay married, make a commitment to each to stay together no matter what. Then, vent to each other. Be honest. Be friends.

Do errands together . Do chores together. Watch TV together. Talk about nothing. Talk about everything.

No talking about the details of your marriage to anyone but your spouse.


#4

Hello,
We do not go to Church. We always say we will go on the weekends and that never happens.

I am so sorry I vented to my Father. It seems likes everything got worse. He should have never called my husbands parents.

What do I need to do? What do We need to do to work on this? Like I said we both have never been through this before. Thank you all.


#5

Why do you say... please don't say marriage counceling?


#6

Much as we like to do what we want, in marriage we can’t just suit ourselves. :slight_smile:
One can’t just stick to one’s own interests and occupations. Going out with the girls and having coffee with them is nice, sure, but in a marriage we have a responsibility to give some time to the others’ interests. You might actually enjoy some of the concerts! :slight_smile: Be thankful he doesn’t have my husband’s interest! restoring ancient rusted small engines, like a lot of men around the world. I’ll never have the least passion for engines, and in his heart of hearts he must know that, but I give him credit and show interest in all he does regarding it, and praise him when he’s proud of a little part he’s made on his metal lathe, and of each (perfect and precise) achievement. Sometimes he shares every step of his progress, with diagrams, and I ask the right questions and admire the thing for it’s own sake but the only real interest I have is that it makes him pleased. We are dissimilar in many ways and no one believed we’d last, but it’s been over 40 years. He couldn’t care less about religion for instance, but he is totally supportive of my getting to Mass each day.

Yes, you did put your husband in a very vulnerable and embarrassing position, and you know that, and you admit things aren’t that easy for him with your depression and illness. Essentially, you betrayed him,** just as you feel he betrayed you**. You are understandably hurt, as is he.

Many couples are different. My husband and I are different in many ways too. He’s thinking/judging/sensate, I’m more about emotions though my brain works logically enough. My husband is enormously precise and focussed…I’m often absent-minded and away with the fairies. I’m artistic, he’s mechanical. Both of us make sacrifices that have enabled us to get through more than most people will ever know. Clearly your husband was seeking to vent just as you were, but in both cases, you hurt each other as there is betrayal in that, as you weren’t honest with each other about it.

Actually, one morning after Confession I mentioned to my dear old priest that I’d be spending next morning going around a 'swap meet" with my husband…does a concert begin to seem attractive! :)…to gaze intently along rows of stalls in a showground, seeking to spot rusty bits of machinery my husband might need for some ancient engine, and the priest couldn’t help it, knowing me and the incongruity of rusty engines and me, he, then I, couldn’t help chuckling, but I do such things with my husband, because it means a lot to my husband, who suffers from arthritis and has never really recovered from a stress-breakdown due to past perfectionism and overdrive.

It does sound as if you do care for each other but need to really communicate, and to be more considerate of each other’s actual needs. You might find it helps, regarding his weight, if you could support him in healthy eating and avoiding empty carbohydrates…

You have hard time ahead of course, and your husband may take some time to get over his awkwardness with the wider family, but I guess if you convey to family your sincere apologies and your intent to protect and support each other in the future, family will be relieved and things will become easier.

I guess you’ve given each other a fright, and that can be used to good advantage to give new life and direction, and greater honesty and communication, greater mutual consideration in your family.

Please don’t blame or be angry with your Dad. He was concerned, and trying to fix things. His love for you overran his wisdom, so it was only an excess of love that led to his contacting your in-laws. Please forgive him as he loves you so very much. He wanted to protect his little girl. You are always his little girl no matter what age.

We are most boring when we think we are boring. If you project negative thoughts and feelings about yourself, others do unconsciously receive them and react accordingly. We have to practice feeling good about ourselves, not in a selfish but in a giving way. “Love others as you love yourself”, Jesus said. If you hate yourself, how can you do that. “Where there is no love, put love, and there will be love.” (St John of the Cross) That goes for other positives also.

I hope you can both work towards healthier self- esteem and more cheerful responses to each other. May God bring more smiles than tears to your eyes, and may you determine that you will smile more often than cry and think sad thoughts. May you, rather, cultivate happy thoughts so that these become the habits and climates of your life together.
May God truly bless you and your husband!


#7

Well… since you are the one who came here for advice, I will direct my advice to you. I am not saying your husband is perfect, but I am saying that if YOU want to save your marriage, for the next little while do not make ANY demands on him

First, do not mention his weight. I don’t even want to think of how bad that hurt him. If you are that concerned, maybe some night just sit in front of the TV with a big veggie platter for yourself and offer him some. If he gets himself some junk food. Keep all commments to yourself.

Next, marriage is much more important than owning a dog. Let that one go for now

Third, if coming home makes him depressed, do not disturb him the second he walks in the door. Allow him sometime to sit and relax. Don’t start in on him the second you see him. Also, maybe make a mental commitment to yourself 'I will not bug him at all Tuesdays and Wednesday. Don’t tell him you are doing that but nonetheless, he will get a few relaxing evenings.

I really hope you can work things out

CM


#8

You are doing well in not tolerating your husband to continue his communication with this girl. You should make things clear to him that you don’t like what he is doing and that you feel uncomfortable and hurt and that you yourself will not be in communication with another guy out of respect in your marriage

Anyway about spending time with your husband. Here are some questions you can reflect on:

  1. Do you eat meals (at least dinner) together? Do you pray together before meals?
  2. Do you say a prayer(even a short one) before going to sleep?)
  3. On weekends, Do you go to mass together?
  4. Do you go to the movies together on weekends?(if he is not inviting you, I suggest you take the initiative)
    5)Do you make your home a place where he can relax?

I have been married for 2 years too. And I know it is not easy. Just remember that God brought 2 unique individuals together and we are here to do our part and make the marriage work? Remember that a wife’s role in marriage is very important. You say that you are an attractive woman.Good for you.Continue to do so and show all your love and understanding to your husband. One thing I learned in my marriage is that sometimes I need to keep my mouth shut when I see that he is in a lot of stress. Normally we women have the need to talk and talk a lot that is our way to relax when we are in a lot of stress but they say that men are the total opposite. Just try to understand how your husband is.Don’t be too negative on him.


#9

Why is counseling off limits? Maybe it will really help you guys since your main problem seems to be communication.

In the meantime–try to spend time together and talk. What did ya’ll do before you were married that you never do anymore? Leave the weight alone for now–you can cook a good healthy dinner, though. :thumbsup:

Unfortunately you found out the hard way not to talk to others about your marriage problems. Like others have said, vent to each other. You both need to vent, so get it off your chests…believe it or not venting is communicating and can bring ya’ll closer. I think that’s why you don’t like that he’s venting to some random woman.

Pray together every single day. Even if it’s just a prayer before dinner or a Hail Mary at night. :thumbsup:

KG

P.S. You mention ya’ll don’t go to Mass…maybe start small next Sunday and go to Mass and grab coffee afterwards…might become something ya’ll will both look forward to! :slight_smile:


#10

Four years in to the marriage…you two are still newlyweds in many senses of the word. Marriage is a covenant between you and hubby and God. There is no walking away, throwing up your hands and giving up! Start there, wrap your mind around that one first of all. Then, get ready to being a real dialog. Stick to your own side of the street, however. Gotta clean up your side of the street, girl. Start by letting him off the hook for your depression, first of all. Take that one to the Lord and then to your family doctor for a thorough checkup. Then, make an appt. and stop by your parish priests house and make a good confession. This is all about you so far, see? Right now, you don’t have time to weigh in on anything he may have done wrong. Just make sure you let your husband know that you are totally 100% committed to him and you want to do your part to make the marriage better for both of you and let him know that you are working on your own issues so you will be a better wife, companion and hopefully, mother in the future. Make absolutely sure you get to Mass at least on Sundays, every Sunday from now on and ask husband to come with you. Even if he says no, you keep up with your faith and it will have a very positive impact on you and on your marriage. Do the things you can do for yourself and stop blaming him for all your unhappiness. Once you have gotten all these things accomplished, you will see things in a totally different light, I promise. YOu can take the high road and your husband will follow.


#11

1) Mass attendance is a must - if you are going to be in a Sacramental marriage than it must be a centered on a Sacrament
2) Daily prayer TOGETHER
3) vent to each other
4) see a priest - and possibly he may hook you up with a counselor and see about some services with defrayed costs if that is an issue


#12

Dear ced.
Believe it or not but not becoming independant from parents is huge conflict material in quite a few marriages.
The Bible says: A man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife and the two become one flesh.
This is also true for the wife.
You need to be independant from your parents on both sides of this, and not go to other people venting about each other.

By the way, do you have a personal relationship with Jesus? This can help you big time if you do, because he can teach you so much about what true love is.


#13

Hi,

I agree with a post above about cleaning up your side of the street. You have to reconcile yourself with God first. If you do that and follow the commandments as defined by the CC you will see everything in a different light. We all try to and do God's will, staying married is very black and white. I also suggest Eucharistic Adoration, confession every two weeks and if you can more mass more than once/ week and a Rosary everyday. Read and learn why the CC is there and you, I promise, will want to fulfull your vocation as a wife. be patient.

I will pray for you both.


#14

I think the thing that concerned me the most about your post was that counseling was off limits, especially since you say that both you and your husband are depressed. As someone who suffered from depression - and for whom it almost ruined my marriage - and fought counseling for sometime, I can say with all honesty that going to counseling was the BEST thing I did. You both need independent counseling (to deal with the depression) as well as joint counseling - both types from a marriage friendly counselor. It sounds like you both need some help in learning how to communicate your needs and desires to each other in a way in which you both feel safe (instead of venting to others).

On top of that, like the others, I recommend daily prayer together, daily time together (can you guys pick up a brand new hobby to do together perhaps?), weekly (at least) mass together. Look for ways to build up intimacy (spiritual, emotional, mental... and physical) in your marriage.

In addition to the suggestion for Retrovaille, I also recommend the book For Better Forever: A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage by Dr. Greg Popcak. GREAT book!

And please... talk to a health professional about your depression!! PLEASE. One of the most effective treatments is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (check out Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns) Mine nearly destroyed my life before I started handling it. Don't let depression do that to you.


#15

I agree with the others that said that you should just do something simple together. Watch tv or a movie and then just talk together about it and then maybe you can get to know each other better!

A great one would be Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Even if your husband isn't the lovey-dovey romance movie watching type of guy, this show still has great values in it. They basically solve a problem in each episode and maybe if you watch an episode together then you might be able to work out some other problems. That is what I would do!! I hope it all works out well for you two!:)


#16

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