6 year relationship. Catholic Revert. Help!

I’m 23 and he is 27.

Long story short, I’ve been in a relationship for around 6 years. When we started this relationship, we were both in college and were not religious. He is sort of an agnostic theist, and I was pretty agnostic, even though I was baptized catholic (never was confirmed or taught the faith). We were living together for 4 years before I had a 'born again" experience, and slowly made my way back to the Catholic Church. We immediately stopped having sex, and I moved out to my own apartment.

It’s now been 6 years and we’re getting to the point where we really can’t hold off on making a marriage decision. We’re being chaste, and I’ve accepted that, but it’s totally time to make a decision on marriage. We’ve talked about marriage in the church, nfp, raising the kids catholic, and attending mass, which he is all open to. However, he feels that his life isn’t at the point where he feels comfortable marrying me. It seems like both of us are stable in our careers and ready to jump into life together. I don’t get what’s holding him back?

Any opinions, prayers, or advice are welcome.

Thanks and God Bless!

sounds like the big changes in your life might have thrown him off a bit perhaps? pmaybe you just have to be patient a little longer. if this keeps up for a good amount of time though, you might have to move on. i will pray for you

Only he can tell you. Stable relationships are based on earned trust and friendship. Apparently, he has some reason he hasn’t told you that, for him, means he’s not part of the “we really can’t hold off” part. So don’t be confrontational, just ask him.

God bless,
Ed

Try asking him an open-ended question such as “Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years?” and see if he answers with more about being with you and having a family, or his own ambitions.

I was in a 2-year dead-end relationship a long time ago. We never cohabited, but nothing progressed beyond the “going steady” stage, and about 3-6 months into it there were red flags such as he would talk using the singular pronoun “I” rather than the plural “we” when speaking of the future. I felt it in my heart and gut :bighanky: but was too much of a coward to face the truth.

The relationship dragged on, with occasional broaching of the subject of marriage (by me) or breaking up (by him) and I think we were both cowards, afraid to make the final break. I had to make it, and by that time I had too much invested emotionally and it about destroyed me.

However, by the grace of God, I have lived to tell the tale! :slight_smile: Praise be to His Holy Name! :yup:

So, 4 years into a 7 year relationship you came back to the Church, became celibate, and now you feel that your relationship has reached the point where a decision needs to be made? Seems reasonable. 7 years together and 2 years after you made a big change (going back to Catholicism) seems like plenty of time for him to have figured out if marriage is where you are heading together.

If your man has a valid reason to delay, but wants to marry you for sure, then that’s one thing. But if he can’t say that marriage is where you’re heading, and within a reasonable amount of time, I’d say you should seriously think about moving on and looking for a good man with marriage on his mind.

And even if he does have a good reason to delay, such as clearing up debt or saving for a dream wedding, then you could always become engaged now and set the wedding date for a couple years down the road.

You don’t want to twist his arm into getting married, if he doesn’t want to get married. I did that with my first husband. I told him, that if we were not getting married, then I was done because I wanted a family. He did not want to lose me, so he married me. However, he was not really ready to be married, and was never marriage or family man material. Sad to say that my kids grew up without their father in their lives.(his choice)

Make sure you are on the same page as far as a future.

You are only 23. You have been with him for six years. So, you were only 17, when you started dating him. Perhaps, you may want to take a break and date others. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and you both should want it.

It is about soooooo much more than "having your careers in place! You have become an active follower of Christ while he is not even sure that God exist. Does this honestly sound like you are on the same sheet of music when it come to your core beliefs? He says he is open to all of that…Is he going to Mass with you now? Is he learning what the Church teaches, so that he will be prepared to help teach the kids when they come? If he is not doing so now, the odds are he will not do so after the wedding either. It seems to me that he is doing you a favor, and I am wondering if you are anxious to get married just because you have “invested” so much time and effort into this relationship.

Blessed John Paul II said that love is a commitment… a life long commitment to another person. The.person who can’t make that life long commitment does not know what love is…even for one day of the relationship.

In the or out of the Church…the answer is the same…Move on.

Pax Christi

I dated a ‘Catholic’ guy in high school and through college so we had 5 yrs together. I went through a conversion and started on my journey with Christ, and I then understood he didn’t walk in grace and love. We broke up and it broke my heart, but it freed me to learn to walk in Christ and not have to compromise right from the beginning because he wasn’t interested. I prayed for my future husband and I met him, after he had gone through a conversion. Well, we were 2 peas in a pod, and we are married 24 yrs. My high school boyfriend married, divorced after 5 yrs and had another sweetie on the side that he moved in with. I thank God that wasn’t me and my heart break story. Dumped in a city far from home and friends.

I think the writing is on the wall in your situation. If he isn’t saying that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you by his side, that he doesn’t want to live a day without you in it, it’s time to move on. And that’s OK. You have plenty of adventures ahead of you.

God bless and strengthen you today.

Welcome back to the Church founded by our Lord!

You didn’t mention if you were confirmed during the last two years, but if not, I hope you’ll consider making an appointment with your pastor soon, to gain some guidance and support for your journey of faith, and to see how he can help you to prepare for Confirmation.

It seems to me that you are at a crossroads in your journey, and your boyfriend isn’t. I encourage you to proceed in your journey. God is to be #1 in all of our journeys of faith. I’d like to suggest that you choose a Novena, to help you to deepen your relationship with Jesus and seek His help in your discernment as to aligning yourself to God’s will in thought, word and deed.

Novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus
…O most holy Heart of Jesus, fountain of every blessing, I adore Thee, I love Thee and with a lively sorrow for my sins, I offer Thee this poor heart of mine. Make me humble, patient, pure and wholly obedient to Thy will. Grant, good Jesus, that I may live in Thee and for Thee. Protect me in the midst of danger; comfort me in my afflictions; give me health of body, assistance in my temporal needs, Thy blessing on all that I do, and the grace of a holy death. Within Thy Heart I place my every care. In every need let me come to Thee with humble trust saying, Heart of Jesus help me.
(Lord’s Prayer, Hail Mary, Glory Be)

Novena to the Assumption of the Virgin Mary (the feast is on Aug. 15th)
…Majestic Queen of Heaven and Mistress of the Angels, you received from God the power and command to crush the head of satan. Therefore, we humbly beg of you, send forth the legions of Heaven, that under your command they may seek out all evil spirits, engage them everywhere in battle, curb their pride, and hurl them back into the pit of hell. “Who is like unto God?”

…With firm confidence we present ourselves before you, our most loving Mother, afflicted and troubled as we are, and we beg you to let us understand the love you have for us by granting this petition, if it is according to the Will of God and profitable for our salvation: (mention your request).

…Good and tender Mother, you shall ever be our hope and the object of our love. Mother of God, send forth the Holy Angels to defend us and drive far from us the cruel foe.
Holy Angels and Archangels, defend and keep us. Amen.

Novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help
…O Mother of Perpetual Succour, behold me, a miserable sinner at thy feet. I have recourse to thee and put my trust in thee. O Mother of Mercy, have pity upon me, I hear thee called by all, the refuge and the hope of sinners, be then my refuge and my hope. Succour me for the love of Jesus Christ; stretch forth thy hand to me, a poor sinner, who recommend and dedicate myself to thee, as thy perpetual servant. I bless and thank God, for, having in his Mercy given me this confidence in Thee, the pledge, as I believe, of my eternal salvation. Alas, too often in past times have I miserably fallen, because I had not recourse to thee, I know that with thy help I shall conquer. I know that thou will help me, if I recommend myself to thee, but I fear lest in the occasion of falling, I should cease to call upon thee, and, so should loose my soul. This then is the grace I seek from thee, and I beg of thee, as far as I know how and can, to obtain it for me, namely, in the assaults of hell, always to have recourse to thee and to say to thee; O Mary, help me, Mother of Perpetual Succor, suffer me not to lose my God. Amen.

Novena to the Holy Spirit
catholicdoors.com/prayers/novenas/p00034.htm

Novena to St. Theresa of the Child Jesus (who died at age 24)
catholicdoors.com/prayers/novenas/p00048.htm

More:
catholicdoors.com/prayers/novena.htm

Speaking from experience, it’s really not worth it to even be serious, let alone marry, a non-Catholic. The more serious you are about your Faith, the more it matters to have a Catholic spouse.

:thumbsup:

This.

You are young, your whole life is ahead of you. You have no reason to even think about marrying a man who is not sure he wants to spend his life with you after 6 years of being in a relationship.

What is it St Paul says…

‘Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers’

‘For what fellowship has light with darkness, or belial with Christ’

:slight_smile:

I am not saying this is definitely the case here, but it’s possible that the fact you’ve been in a relationship for six years but haven’t married yet already testifies to some doubts discouraging you from sealing the relationship permanently. Those problems will not disappear after the wedding. If you ignore your doubts, there is a chance of marrying validly but still unhappily, in which case you’d be unable to remarry if he left you.

I think it’s worth clarifying the Church’s views on disparity of cult (Catholics marrying non-Christians).

While the Church encourages endogamy for good reason, Catholics ARE permitted marry non-Christians under certain conditions (forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=28095).

Would it be difficult to build your family together on Catholic teaching? Probably.

Would it be impossible? No. Given that your boyfriend has agreed to alter his lifestyle in the middle of the relationship, maybe he would respect the conditions in Canon 1126.

The situation as you described it sounds more like a “people” issue than a religious one. There’s not much more to know about someone after sharing a roof for four years. Both of you should have a relatively concrete vision of your long-term plans together. You need to ask him roughly where and when he sees the relationship heading, and be clear about your own visions.

Don’t know what your experience is, but from my perspective, and from the perspective of many of us on here who have very successful marriages to non-Catholics, you statement is hogwash.

The more serious you are about your Faith, the more it matters to have a Catholic spouse.

This, however, I suspect is true - especially if the non-Catholic spouse is also serious about his/her faith.

My husband is an atheist. Not a fanatical, in-your-face atheist, but rather a to-each-his-own kind of guy who just doesn’t believe in God. He attends Mass with me when possible and he supported me in raising the kids in the Church, but he, himself, does not believe. I know some on here don’t like to hear this, but it works for us. Sorry, but it does. Now, if he was devout member of another faith who insisted on raising the children in his religious tradition, or a very zealous atheist, then it would probably not work.

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