91 year old wants to marry


#1

My 91 year old father-in-law just lost his 73 year old wife earlier this year, and now he is making noise about getting remarried.

He wants to marry a 20 something make another family (his current children are well into their late 30s and late 40s). He believes that if he gets married he will live until 120.

Its all a bit crazy, but I was wondering how to approach this one with him.

Its really bothering my wife who doesn’t want him to remarry a person younger than her.

Any ideas on how to approach this one?


#2

Is he filthy rich? Because if not, I think there is little chance that a 20 something year old will want to marry him so I would leave him to his fantasy.

Where does he stand spiritually? It sounds like he’s really wanting to do his life over again? Does he fully appreicate that this life is just the tip of the iceberg and that He could spend an eternity with God? And at his age, his eternity is probably right around the corner? I would try to get him to appreicate that He has MUCH to look forward to.


#3

Has your fil found his 20-something wife to be? If not, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Perhaps ensure that he has company and companionship regularly. He may just be lonely–especially if he’s been married since he was 20-something and used to having his wife around to talk with. Can you arrange for him to regularly get out to seniors events either through your diocese or local community? Make sure someone from the family or a neighbor visits him every day? If he now lives alone maybe this is a good time to consider moving him to a retirement community (not just a nursing home particularly if he is healthy). As part of honoring our father and other, we need to care for them even when they grow older and more difficult with age and infirmity.


#4

This is common for widowers… men (typically) miss that companionship and suffer greatly when it’s gone. I worked at a retirement community (waitress in the dining room), and usually widowers found “girlfriends” rather quickly, as opposed to the widows, they tended to be (again, in general), more able to deal with being alone and supported the other widows in the community - at least that’s what I gathered from my own exposure.
The same thing happened to my own Grandfather - he lived in a retirement community the final 6 or so years of his life. He had two or three “girlfriends” those last few years - really needing that one-on-one companionship… poor guy - I miss him. :frowning:

(((HUGS))) and prayers for your family. I know this is a difficult time.


#5

He is very lonely right now and in a deep state of depression, Actually still in the shock state. Have you husband and his family take him tot he Dr and talk to the Dr. about this.

I would hate to see him do this, and find out in a year or so shocked at what he has done, and make such a mistake. Its common to do crazy things at the time of death.

Trust me My Dad died almost 2 years ago now, and my Mom never wants to date or even think about another Man, My MIL on the other hand is chasing every man shes sees. Go figure!:shrug:


#6

Does he have a 20 something already lined up?
Make a family? Does the plumbing still even work??

I would not worry about it. Keep him company and get him involved in things.


#7

The people who found happiness in marriage often are eager to date again. Unless they were so happy they can never contemplate replacing that person. Or unless their spouse made them so miserable they’re happier alone.

Which is the long way of saying you can’t judge why someone is eager or not eager to remarry after the death of a spouse.

This man is grieving. He wants joy in his life. Or visitors. Doesn’t he have some grandchildren or great grandchildren who can visit him and ease the loneliness?

I’m with the other posters. Unless he is really rich or there is some 20-something in love with him (for dubious reasons) I wouldn’t worry about him goin’ a courtin.


#8

Are there any ladies closer to his age he could be friends with first? No 20 something in her right mind will take him and unless he’s wealthy he’d have a hard time finding anyone of childbearing age. :rolleyes:


#9

THis is a very serious assessment you are attempting to make without knowing ANYTHING about the person.

There has been nothing from the OP to show depression or even shock.

While we can imagine that might be the case, I suggest refraining from such a potentially deadly diagnosis over the internet.


#10

dear people, please…
the soul is eternal and the life force is what keeps us alive…
so let the man dream, let the man flirt, let the man live until such time that he dies!
20 year olds do not seek to marry 91 year olds, but 91 year olds need the great blessing of dreaming and flirting. They need the energy and the blessing and the blood flow and the life force of dreaming and flirting, it keeps them healthy, gives them strength and a will to live, it keeps them alive!

“Ciao, bella!” Once upon a time it didn’t matter that he was pushing 90 with a walker and I was 19 carrying a piles of books walking home from the community college with skirts up to there and legs up to there…
“Ciao, bella!” Our romantic interludes lasted an entire spring and summer. He had watched me in the distance from his front porch every day and waved to me through the rains of spring. He had made it partway down the drive with his walker to wave and call “Ciao, bella!” as the weather had improved, and now finally in the beautiful early evenings of summer he had taken up walking all the way down to the end of his driveway with his walker to wait at the sidewalk for me to walk by every day… and stare at my legs and sigh:
“Ah bella, how you walk bella…if I could only walk like you I would walk you home these beautiful summer evenings bella, but I just can’t keep up with you, bella.”
“Well, you came all the way down here to say hello, you’re looking much better, you know, you’re looking very good today!”

Each day he walked a little farther, just a little farther with his walker…
so he might walk with me, talk with me, just a little bit along the sidewalk, just a little farther down the sidewalk each day as I passed by…and each day he looked a little better, a little stronger, a little happier and healthier. He had stories of life to tell… stories of the old country, stories about his youth, his wife, long gone… the flowers in his yard… the birds in the trees…

“You know, we’re going to have to stop meeting like this” I’d say “because that madrina in your window just doesn’t approve! She’s watching us again, you know…”
“Pff… la madrina… my daughter! She’s always watching and worrying over me!”
“Well, as long as she’s watching and worrying and going to scold you about being out and about again, cruising the main and picking up strange girls off the street, then I really should hug you and at least make it worth your while!”
"Ah cara bella… but you’re not a strange girl I’ve picked up off the street… you’re a nice Catholic girl too busy studying to go out with my grandson that I’ve picked up off the street, bella mia, and so you see I have had success where he has failed!"
and smiling and laughing I’d hug him, and he’d hug back, smiling and laughing too.

I got a scholarship to the university that autumn and moved away. I got the news over Christmas break that he died that winter. I walked down the empty street where there was no one to greet me “ciao bella!.” There was a “for sale” sign on his empty house where there was no more madrina in the window.
Live until you die, caro bello,
live until you die.


closed #11

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