A Catholic Article: The High Price for a Woman of Not Putting Out

A woman asks “why do Catholic guys expect sex from a girl? I don’t understand.” This article looks at this.
see www.catholiclane.com/the-high-price-of-not-putting-out/

Men are pigs!
Why can’t I find a good one!?
Why do all the men I find try to use me and lead me astray from heaven!?
It can’t be something I could change.
The blame had to be on all those men. Not the type of men I’m attracting, not the places I’m looking and certainly not on the women who forsake thier values and soul to make it expected by men…

Whahhhh. Whahhhh!!!

I have to disagree with the “involuntary” bombardment part. Turn off the TV, stop watching porn, stop listening to hip hop/rap, stop loving immorality. The media is giving you these messages 24/7 as good/neutral, and with a few clicks on the internet.

There are good men out there who want a woman who values her virginity. Who lives Christian values. But according to the media, they don’t exist. The role models you see are acting out terrible sexual behavior on TV and in movies like it’s nothing.

May I suggest:


God has not gone on vacation. He loves you. But for too many, imitating what others do becomes a guide.


The media, in most cases, has not helped women become moral or show them as moral.



Exactly how I feel about these complaints. Both genders have complete control over what kind of people they let into their romantic lives.

Pretty much. I have a friend who is very resigned to “all men” being cheaters or abusive. And “none” ever have good jobs or goals. Of course, her romantic life is just a revolving door of loser after loser, because that’s all she sees! No one else hits her radar! Probably because she never expects men to be anything but awful. She thinks my husband is the only man in the world who holds a full time job, doesn’t hit me, doesn’t drink or smoke pot too much, and doesn’t sleep around. I know I got lucky, but c’mon.:rolleyes:

Hubby’s best friend is handsome, funny, kind, a very successful CPA for 28, and a total outdoorsman survivalist manly man. They would get along very, very well, but I can’t set them up until/unless she has a serious change in attitude. I can’t set him up with someone who subconsciously assumes he’s a sociopathic man-child. He’s too good for that.

True, but such standards drastically shrink the one’s dating pool.

Did your friend grow up in a broken home? Maybe her mother also dated a parade of losers and that is all she knows of men.

I fail, and probably will continue to fail at the reasoning that a womsns virginity is such either a deal breaker or a badge of worthiness when it comes to finding your perfect mate. There are women I know in their mid 40s that are virgins and still single. One in particular is very bitter because she followed every rule that her parents layed out, yet she did not find a man who is a virgin or even one interested in dating an adult with no experience. I don’t blame anyone here except the woman who chose not to think for herself. :shrug:

While that may be true for a lot of men today, I think there are also women who would reject a guy if he refused to sleep with her. Because they equate love with sex. They might think he doesn’t love me. These are needy people who haven’t learned what real love is yet. I wouldn’t consider marrying such a person anyways.:rolleyes: This would truly be a case of unequally yoked.

That doesn’t mean you should treat them harshly or condemn them as we are called to love, to show them a better way. There is no one out there that is perfect and people do make mistakes. We should not condemn people for their mistakes. Because we all make mistakes. You will never find a perfect person. Perhaps, the best one could do is to find someone who has similar values as you do.

Also, we shouldn’t think this person is going to fulfill us. That is a mistake people make in choosing their mate. The marriage may be great at first but eventually people run into issues with each other. A marriage only truly works when there are 3 people involved. The husband and wife and God. It’s like a triangle were the man and woman are at the bottom and God at the top. As the man and woman get closer to each other they get closer to God and vice versa. It is really Jesus who can teach us how to act and to love one another. I’ve heard many stories of people whose marriages were saved by Jesus.

Eventually, you want to shrink your pool to just one person.

Yes, but it is easier to shrink your pool to one from a choice of 5 than to find the one from zero.

I never attracted those kinds of guys. The one I did ended after one date night when a buddy called him and asked what he was up to. “Nothing, man,” he said. We were carving pumpkins with other students, and I had been having fun. I almost left when I heard him say that. The next signal was when he said I needed to loosen up and not work so hard, drink some. It was the only time in my life a jock made a pass at me.

I’ve had advice from a very unexpected quarter to keep my virginity, and people who should have been supporting me, not.

You know, the guys are out there, although they are few and difficult to find.

For example, I didn’t think my older daughter would ever marry. She was class valedictorian, graduated college summa cum laude (with 2 straight A+ report cards), and won an NFS Fellowship to a major university to work on her PhD. I figured she would never find a man on her intellectual and educational level who was a good practicing Catholic.

But she did and they are getting married April 2017. He too is in the PhD program at her school, and is also a member of Opus Dei. Every day they skype each other so they can pray together, and one of their prayers is for chastity.

Now, if only my younger daughter can find somebody that terrific! :slight_smile:

This could be the case, although it also might not be. It’s unfortunately the case that many men (and women) really are just interested in sex, and that’s all they date for, so, even though she may have something to do with it, she may really be an innocent victim of the chastity crisis in the Church today. One point I would have for the women looking for husbands are, dress modestly, but not over the top. St. Jerome commented that we can’t expect purity when we ourselves display fornication all over us. How you dress reveals a lot about you.

This is largely true, although unfortunately, there is so much immodesty and impurity that surrounds us that one can’t completely avoid it. Even the virtuous will struggle with this vice, and not merely from within themselves, given the state of the modern world.

This story is indeed very sad, and I hope she does find someone serious about the Faith and morality.

Benedicat Deus,

I’ve just read the article and it addresses the issue it set out to address: it concerns girls who choose to stay chaste until marriage and the disappointment and rejection they face when men who are seemingly good Catholics turn out to believe that sex is a dealbreaker.

I’m sure there are other articles about the difficulty of meeting women too, but this article never set out to answer that one!

Personally, just looking at my own part of the world and my own experiences, I’d say it is pretty accurate and it also gives a realistic outlook for women in this situation i.e. pretty bleak!

Not everyone has the money or confidence to go trawling through Catholic dating sites and just because 2 people share the same faith, it does not mean they are compatible. I dated a few men who I met specifically because they were Catholics and I found nearly all of them stuffy, boring and afraid of commitment (one was lovely, but we just weren’t meant to be married because he liked glamorous women and I like mud and dogs!!!) I got the distinct impression that they were loudly proclaiming the Catholic card to ward off potentially perfectly nice women because they actually had unrealistic expectations of marriage and they would have more luck trying to marry a unicorn :wink:

One Catholic chap I encountered (fortunately, we never met) also popped up on a more secular dating site with surprisingly different interests and beliefs :eek:

I am sure there are women out there who are the same. If they actually met someone who was a contender, they would be forced to look at themselves and accept some responsibility in making the relationship work (or calling it off in a dignified way if it wasn’t heading towards marriage) I’ve a few single, female friends like that…

…however, they didn’t get that way overnight, or by accident. It takes years of practice to become so cyncial and terrified (and women, being multi-taskers, can do both together with aplomb) I’ve got single friends in their 40s who would be wonderful wives if only they gave themselves the chance, but they possibly never will because their own, Catholic community kicks them harder than anyone outside it!

They do this by never once offering support of encouragement for their commitment to their faith. Instead, they get labelled as the stereotypical ‘career woman’ who puts her career first and ‘isn’t the marrying kind’ - while those who were openly sexually active at university but still went to Mass with Mum and Dad in the holidays are lauded and applauded (even those who go down the IVF route!)

Single women over about 30, who attend Mass (and men too) seem to make a lot of people feel slightly uncomfortable. Even though they may hold down demanding jobs during the week and have their own homes, they naturally tend to attend Mass with their parents and to the people who knew them as children, they are still somehow infantalised and de-sexualised.

I used to attend my local church when I lived away and got used to smiling and being ignored! It was nicer to go to Mass in my home town with my parents, even though other parishoners close to my age who had moved into the area regarded me as some sort of local ‘giant child’ who sat between her ageing parents! I’ve a friend who is a Protestant and she experienced the same thing. Rather than being supportive of her values, other parishoners eroded her confidence by treating her as not-quite-a-woman (not in a really grown-up-with-a-husband way!)

I was incredibly lucky to meet my husband when I was 37 and we marrried when I was 42 after dating for 2 years (and good friends the previous 3) I had no idea he was a Catholic! I just knew I could be myself and have fun around him. He was a Catholic in deed first and in words second - not a man who was using his faith as an excuse to not grow up.

Isn’t that the idea… Shrink the pool sufficiently in order to easily find a good man or woman! If you are looking for a good Man/Woman are you going to find him/her at an all night frat party or in Library studying . Not to say that a good man/woman can not be found at the frat party but he may be invisible from all the turds hiding your view.

But how do you shrink the pool without eliminating those you are otherwise compatible with? Or what of the shallow pool that that remains contains no one you’re interested in?

Imo dating involves a lot of trial and error plus heartbreak.

It is a deal breaker because it drastically reduces the chance of divorce.


In an age of misandrist family/divorce law, this is a relevant factor for any man crazy enough to take a chance on marriage.

??? Not in my experience. As a matter of fact I thought and tried your way for some 20 odd years and it didn’t work. I had lots of fun and lots of unwed sex but I was never able to find the one to really connect with. I wasn’t until I began to swim in a smaller pool that I met the love of my life. It was much easier to spot her from all the other “less than’s”.

I like green jujubes, So when I buy a bag I will buy on that only has 1 or 2 colors. That way I don’t have to sift through the bag to find what I like. I get way more green in the bag and they are a lot easier to find.


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