A checklist of things to discuss with your girlfriend

Hi, can you advise a checklist of things to discuss with your girlfriend before you get married? What would you consider important?

Values, kids (having and raising them), and finances are the usual areas of contention.

Values: Religion? How devout, and what does devotion mean to you? What theological differences do you have? What should be the highest priorities? What is “success”? Who does chores? How will you deal with the things that bug you in your married life?

Money: What assets/debt do each of you bring? How will you pool money (or not)? What’s your take on helping relatives? What if they’re moochers? What about tithing? What about other charitable giving? When is debt acceptable?

Children: When and how many, if the Lord blesses you? If given the opportunity, should one of you stay home? Discipline? Projected schooling?

How do you communicate? Are you okay with your girlfriend’s differences in communication? Can you “fight fair”?

Obviously, this isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s something to start with. Now, life changes, and a lot of the conclusions you reach may change, but it’s good to know that you’ll be working toward a similar “vision” in your married life.

In-laws. How close do you want/need to be.

Geography. Where do you hope to live?

There are lots of resources with lists of questions–look around.

Whether the Beetles are a better band than the Who

Whether Superman is really better than Batman

Where do you hope to live? Would she move away from her family if need be?

Just a side thought…I hope that you would not be asking these as a list to anyone, or even as an outright “question” but rather as a conversation that goes in that direction. :wink:

Overly Attached Girlfriend:


Ask her: why are you marring me?
what are your expectations after marriage?
where do you see yourself (us) in 5 years?

Get the longest answers you can for these questions.

Exactly, you read my mind!

In addition to the other items mentioned, you’d better discuss sex. As in, how often? If you’re thinking 5 nights a week and she’s thinking once or twice a month, you’ve got an issue to work out.

Career plans and plans for further education.

If either party is inexperienced (or relatively inexperienced), they may not have very realistic ideas about a realistic schedule.

Also, things change.

Speaking of lack of realism and inexperience, as a youngster, I remember being impressed by all the songs talking about doing it “all night long.” Come to find out, that’s not very realistic. A more realistic and livable schedule is 1) marital relations and 2) fall instantly asleep for the next six or seven hours.

I would probably need to disclose the balance of my Steam account.

I really really think it’s important to discuss a lot of the spiritual issues first, then move onto the issues of logistics, materials, etc.

Since you’re a guy, you need to think about the kind of wife you want. What is your mission for life? What’s your mission for your future family? What do you want to accomplish spiritually?

Now think about the kind of wife you’d like for this mission. Do you want a wife who’ll be completely comfortable with following you no matter what? Or do you want a wife who’ll help you challenge and assess your thinking? What kind of home do you want this wife to facilitate? Some men like women who provide a sense of peace and comfort, and some men like women who are more lively with a sense of adventure.

I think a lot of marriage has to do with the personalities coming together and how well they jive. You can have a room full of devout practicing Catholics, but not all of them would jive well together in marriage because people are different. I think getting to the heart of the kind of wife you want should be the first step, and assess from there.

This is something that should be constantly assessed while dating.

Yup, but the other thing is that personalities change. With the passage of years, with important, life-changing events and then the passage of some years. Their lives influence them, and there are choices that could go either way, in a close case. They adapt to jobs, they suffer losses, they celebrate gains, they find new company, they are inspired by books and leaders, you can never really predict. This is why it’s important to marry someone who doesn’t believe in a second chance with civil marriage should there be disappointment in the marriage. Preferably also someone who would prefer to continue to live in a less than ideal marriage than to resume the single life (plus ban on marrying anyone else as long as you live).

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