i would just like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who has taken the time to give such amazing responses to my posts.
to update you, when it comes to the situation with my friend, we’ve decided that: 1) after figuring out that the demon became silent and much less bold around Christmas, we want whatever solution is decided to take place closer to Easter, which is, along with Christmas, the best time for an exorcism, if that’s what needs to be done; 2) we will continue to pray and hope for help for my friend until the time comes; 3) when my pastor comes to visit my house sometime in january (he is an absolutely amazing man who i am very close with, and i have some questions about Catholicism that i’d like to discuss with him), i plan to bring up the issue with him, and hopefully get a process of healing started. until then, i appreciate all of you who are keeping my friend (who i have to keep anonymous for privacy reasons) and me in your thoughts and prayers, and ask that you please continue. the demon actually told my friend that it would prefer not to talk with me, which is absolutely fine with me. i don’t know if it still wants to attack me, or if it’s given up, but i do know that no matter what happens, i will stay completely safe under the protection of our Heavenly Father, our Blessed Mother and St. Michael the Archangel.
i’d also like to update all of you when it comes to the process of how i’m gradually but surely coming to truly love Mary, our Mother. i have been praying devotions, litanies and many prayers to her, and i definitely feel my heart for her growing. when i saw a beautiful painting of her on here that someone posted in another thread, (i wish i could remember it so that i could give you credit!) i was astounded, and felt immediately that’s how i picture her, full of love and beauty, and i immediately began to love her more in that instant. i am much more comfortable with the idea of praying to her, and i’ve asked for her protection and intercession. i have no doubt that she will help me and is helping me right now, and my friend as well. i know that it’s not possible to become “too” close to Mary, for she leads us to Jesus, so i’m not afraid of that. i truly do love her now, so my goal is not to try to love her more out of fear, but even more out of devotion.
inside, underneath it all, i’m silently screaming, and i don’t know what to do to feel better. i know i have to give it up to Jesus, and i definitely plan to do that. i just don’t know why this is happening to me, or why it happens so often, and why i have to be this way. right now, i don’t feel well at all. i feel guilty because of the times when i sleep instead of pray at night, which is the only time i have for God. i feel ashamed for all of the ways that i constantly neglect Him and my salvation—miserable sinner that i am, how can i be saved without prayer? i feel broken because i feel like i’m not good enough to be a saint, like i’ll never be holy, like i’m worthless and pathetic and useless to God. (sounds rather familiar … the demon told me i was worthless and pathetic … and now i’m using the words myself. maybe i subconsciously allowed them to get to me, and now they’re manifesting in this depression? i don’t know what factors are going into this, all i know is that it hurts terribly, and i don’t know how to make it better.) i’m terrified of Purgatory again, and i’m terrified of death now as well, for i know that suffering to be purified would immediately follow my death. i’m not good enough for Heaven. i’m not good enough for anything. i must be such a disappointment to Jesus. i tire myself out writing evangelical letters to friends, but never find the motivation to finish them. my heart is broken for my friends and family who are either lukewarm or on their way to Hell, and i don’t pray for them enough. my heart is broken for myself, and for all the ways i’m not good enough for God or holiness or sainthood. i struggle with pride, with neglecting my salvation, with constant twisted thoughts and curses in my head that i can’t control (which may be part of my OCD), i condemn myself for my many, many sins and can’t see myself ever being a productive or even worth-something Catholic.
i feel like all the sins i’ve ever committed over the course of my lifetime are being shoved into my face and screaming. i feel like God loves people who are special and do great things for Him more than He could ever love me. i feel like curling up and crying and just giving up the path to holiness, because i feel like i could never make it with so many sins, weaknesses and worthless parts of me. i feel like screaming. please help me. i don’t know what to do. i get like this sometimes, and i don’t know why. i know that many of the thoughts in my head are lies, but at the same time, i feel that they are the truth. if i’m as blessed as people say i am, i shouldn’t be like this. i feel like i’m a liar and a fake when i smile and act like the “good passionate Christian girl” when i have a secret life of worthlessness and neglect. for Christmas, i want to give Jesus all of myself—but right now, i feel like that would be the worst gift ever to give someone. He deserves so much better than me.
i’d really appreciate it if all of you could keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and if you could give me any advice on how to get through this, coming from your own experiences or just from what you know. my faith in God is still as strong as ever, and i still love Jesus with all that i am and have. it’s my faith in myself that’s slowly dying. thank you so much—i have faith that i will find even more support and comfort on here than i already have through your responses to this. God bless you all—stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourselves.
in the peace and love of Christ,