A Different Side of the Wife Giving Up


#1

I feel that my wife has also given up on our marriage. This is NOT of her doing. I have read the thread about the wife giving up, but it that thread she seems to be the guilty party. In this thread, the wife is NOT guilty of anything.

I have been horrible to her. I have been unfaithful, unloving, uncaring, selfish, you name it. I have not been physically abusive, but my actions could be seen as emotional abuse.

I have taken a good woman and turned her unhappy. MY actions are inexcuseable and unforgivable. I know God will forgive me, but He has the capacity for infinite forgiveness.

I have a question or two built in here someplace, so please bare with me. Without the gory details, suffice it to say that I had cheated on my wife up until a year and a half ago. I stopped my ways, sought counseling (individual and marriage), went to group for sex addiciton, prayed every day, church at least once a week, confession at least once a week.

I stopped going to counseling. First it was a matter of funds, I filed personal bankruptcy. I stopped going to group, a matter of time I told her. I started confession about once a month. I was not acting out, I was not stepping out of my marriage in any way.

Now we have moved. New job, city, country. I started again. I did not actively seek anything, but the chance arose and I took it. I did not step out physically, but I used the internet and was talking to a couple of different women.

She found out. Now she is devastated. She thinks everything I said during counseling was a lie. She thinks that I am incapable of being the man I should be. I believe she is on the verge of ending our marriage. I know I hurt her and it kills me. I know this will make our children suffer. That kills me. I don't want to end my marriage. I love my wife. I am not allowed to tell her that anymore.

Where can I find in the Bible passages that may help me with my prayers?

Is there any hope for us? I know that I have to change. I knew that before too, but look what I have done since.

Please keep in mind that my wife had NOTHING to do with my failings. She has been open, supportive, loving, caring, kind, decent, etc to me. I am the one who was secretive and dishonset.

Any prayers are especially appreciated.

If anything is unclear, pleas let me know and I will address it. I am desparate. I don't want to think I am looking at the end (again).

Edited to add:

I truly felt as if she was my best friend. She is the one I want to see first thing in the morning. She is the one I see last before I fall asleep. She is the one I seek the most approval from. She is the one I have disappointed the most. I feel like I have not only lost my wife, but my best friend and part of my soul. I truly believe that we are supposed to be together. I try to tell her this, but they are just empty words given my actions. Aside from my children, I want to end her pain and suffering. I am willing to do whatever it takes, but I know she doesn't believe me. I have given her no reason to believe so.

Again, any prayers or advice, are deeply appreciated.


#2

Hi InNeedOfPrayer, I will pray for you and for your wife today at Holy Mass. All things are possible with God. Pray and trust God! Ask him to send you grace and strength, not to fall again.


#3

It’s going to be really hard for her to give you another chance. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Sometimes, we need to learn lessons the hard way in life. Sometimes, we take things for granted and don’t realize what we have until it’s gone.

You are not playing the victim card and I respect that. You are just going to have to accept whatever comes. Pray hard, but also don’t feel abandoned if your wife still leaves you after all of your prayers. God is listening to you and forgives you, but for your wife, forgiveness does not necessarily mean staying in the marriage. Forgiveness for her could mean leaving you and feeling sorry for you that you are weak when it comes to the flesh. She may pray for you from afar.

If it were me in this situation, I would leave. I know I would. I would leave; not divorce right away b/c I’d want to get my head straight. This is where you can win her back…during a trial separation. You better kiss her feet till the cows come home! A good woman like that is hard to find.


#4

Wow…so sorry-for you and your wife. I suppose I feel so bad for you b/c something of this nature happened to my ex and I. I-well, I gave up on him. I attempted to reconcile a few years later, but-I kid you not…it lasted one night. I can’t get into why, but trust, it was not pretty.

I still love my ex, but I can NEVER, never live with him. No. He’s someone I just-well, I don’t get him. I can relate to him on so many levels, except…I can’t trust him.

Perhaps…um, well…she won’t let you speak with her? Sounds like no…you’d have to show her by your actions that you really, really love her and that you love ONLY her.

Sad to say, it may be too little too late. But…you never know…

DON’T speak to other women (in the romantic sense) at ALL, no matter how tempting. K?

Why do you feel compelled to seek out other women? Is it the thrill of the chase, the forbidden fruit kinda thing? I think that’s the thing with the ex.
(he’s with another woman, btw, has been for years, I have scant contact with him).


#5

[quote="phoenixrrt62, post:4, topic:218017"]
Wow....so sorry-for you and your wife. I suppose I feel so bad for you b/c something of this nature happened to my ex and I. I-well, I gave up on him. I attempted to reconcile a few years later, but-I kid you not...it lasted one night. I can't get into why, but trust, it was not pretty.

I still love my ex, but I can NEVER, never live with him. No. He's someone I just-well, I don't get him. I can relate to him on so many levels, except....I can't trust him.

Perhaps.....um, well....she won't let you speak with her? Sounds like no....you'd have to show her by your actions that you really, really love her and that you love ONLY her.

Sad to say, it may be too little too late. But...you never know...

DON'T speak to other women (in the romantic sense) at ALL, no matter how tempting. K?

Why do you feel compelled to seek out other women? Is it the thrill of the chase, the forbidden fruit kinda thing? I think that's the thing with the ex.
(he's with another woman, btw, has been for years, I have scant contact with him).

[/quote]

I'm sorry this happened to you!

My father was a serial cheater (among other things). My mother left him and when she did leave him, there was no turning back for her. She was done. She wasn't interested in councelling, talking, dating, nothing.

My father hasn't changed and he's almost 65. He still goes to strip joints and ogles other women. It's just gross.


#6

You know - I had to stop think - what if my soon-to-be ex made a true apology and repentance like this and my answer would still be no because a year ago I heard it and I went back and the abuse got worse - and he still this day tells everyone there was no abuse - because without the help he cannot see it. Stay close to God - but sometimes there is a point of no return where God has given us all of our warnings and now we are simply that repentant voice in Hell calling out to please send Lazarus to our brothers. Just some thoughts.


#7

You stopped going to sex addiction group, then you did a geographical to get away from what might have been working? Where was your sponsor in all of this? Did you get a sponsor? Were you working the steps? (I’m assuming it was a 12-step group - that’s the only sex addiction group I know of - SAA) You should have had someone to hold you accountable and stop you from retreating from what might have worked. Getting rid of the internet is a start. If you can’t work without it, then you need something like Safe Eyes and an accountability partner to give the passwords to. This is not to get your wife back, this is to stop you from going any further with your descent.

There is a forum here for porn addictions, I would think that could help you too.

I am so sorry that you have hurt your wife so much. As another poster said, at least you are taking responsibility for what you have done, that is more than many men can do. That would impress me as a wife - just knowing that my husband is humble and knows where the fault lies. It might not bring me back, but it might be one saving grace in an awful time.

You moved your family out of the country and THEN cheated again? I know you said you hadn’t done anything physically but what is the purpose of talking to other women over the internet? Married men who are satisfied in their roles and relationships never open that door. I take it you didn’t have a healthy role model of what a husband ought to be…

Well, the best thing for you to do would be to get back to counseling and SAA or some equivalent. Whatever your wife decides to do, you will have your integrity if you help yourself.


#8

Well, you're lucky she stood with you through it the first time. I wouldn't put up with that if it happened to me. I'd be out the door and dang proud of it too. I wouldn't put up with a cheater. All trust would be gone forever. Considering the fact that most cheaters always cheat again. Not all, but most, and you are a great example of it! Why did you cheat on her in the first place? Pray as much as you can, try to make her see you changed (which I hope you really did, but I don't know you, so I cannot say). If she stays, you better not mess this up again, if she goes, you should have known it could be a consequence for your actions.


#9

I will pray for you. Your only hope is in God. He may allow you to keep this wonderful wife by your side, or he may allow that she separate from you. In either case, you must put God first in all things and cling to Him. You must do the practical work too, counseling, confession, sacraments, etc., but through it all your focus must be on Him. Pray everyday for your holiness and the holiness of your wife.
God bless you both.


#10

The link is in my sig below.

(I agree with the other posters: You’ve received far more trust than you’ve deserved. If you want any hope for the future, you’d better get yourself on the right path now, and permanently.)

Praying for us all,

  • curl

#11

Thank you all for your responses.

I have sent a request for the group mentioned by curl. I am actrively seeking an accountability partner. I am praying.

Please continue to pray for my wife and for her healing.


#12

[quote="InNeedOfPrayer, post:11, topic:218017"]
Thank you all for your responses.

I have sent a request for the group mentioned by curl. I am actrively seeking an accountability partner. I am praying.

Please continue to pray for my wife and for her healing.

[/quote]

You're a good man deep down. It's such a shame. I think you have an addiction personally. If she stays with you (and I hope she gives you another chance) you are one lucky guy with horseshoes coming out of the yin yang.

Even if she does leave, the changes you need to make will be for the better for yourself.

prayers


#13

Searp, I don't feel like a good man. If I were a good man deep down, why would I act as I have? acting selfishly = selfish person

I agree with most of the other posters. If I were in her shoes, I would not trust me in the least. I would be hard pressed to stay with me. I am me and I barely can stand myself.(insert chuckle here).

I ask that you all pray for her. If it is God's will that she take me back and let me show her how good I think I can be, then I will be eternally grateful and spend the rest of my days showing her the love I feel for her. If it is God's will that she does not take me back and we do separate in any form, then I will accept that and spend the rest of my days showing her how much I love her.

Thank you once again.


#14

Seriously??? Your wife did not marry a man, she married a selfish, weak little boy who dosn't know how to keep his pants zipped up.

If your wife leaves you, its because that is what you deserve. You don't love her, you love yourself and the sooner you get that, the sooner you can change with or without her.

The real victim here is your wife. She is needlessly suffering the prospect of losing the man she married. And as you pointed out, all because of your selfishness.

Of course, with God, all things are possible but, really your prayers are like a guy that has been smoking 3 packs a day for 60 years not to get sick. There are consequences to our actions...

The outcome is going to be based not on you but the strength and tolerance of the woman you claim to love.

In the meantime, start acting like a good and holy man or you will be a very lonely, unhappy person...


#15

[quote="cargau, post:14, topic:218017"]
Seriously??? Your wife did not marry a man, she married a selfish, weak little boy who dosn't know how to keep his pants zipped up.

If your wife leaves you, its because that is what you deserve. You don't love her, you love yourself and the sooner you get that, the sooner you can change with or without her.

The real victim here is your wife. She is needlessly suffering the prospect of losing the man she married. And as you pointed out, all because of your selfishness.

Of course, with God, all things are possible but, really your prayers are like a guy that has been smoking 3 packs a day for 60 years not to get sick. There are consequences to our actions...

The outcome is going to be based not on you but the strength and tolerance of the woman you claim to love.

In the meantime, start acting like a good and holy man or you will be a very lonely, unhappy person...

[/quote]

wow that was mean spirited to say the least.

I believe that this man has an addiction; just like smoking is an addiction. I have never had an addiction myself, but I can only imagine how hard it would be to break an addiction. People smoke knowingly that it can kill them; perhaps deep down they don't like who they are and continue to smoke (knowing they are slowly killing themself. There is a pyschological term for it that I learned in university - can't remember it).

People with addictions often subconsciously sabotage themselves. They hold themselves in contempt. They hate who they are and want out, but don't know how. OP probably on a subconscious level, allowed himself to get caught.

You don't know this man's childhood; where he learned his values; what he has been through.

Yes, the wife is the victim in all of this, but a little (if not sympathy) empathy instead of contempt, should be directed at this man. He has gone to the trouble of finding CAF and posting in a desparate attempt to seek how to win his wife back.

I liken this man to the Tax Collector quietly praying at the back of the church for forgiveness. Or the Tax Collector that vowed to give all of the money back 3 fold (I think it was 3 fold). Jesus definitely would not kick a man when he is down. He would tell him straight up that his behaviour cannot be tolerated and if his wife leaves, then that will become his penance. Jesus would tell him to stand up and face his evil temptations and overcome them with His help. Jesus would say that through him, OP can overcome his wrong doings and a place will be waiting for him in Heaven.

OP has a lot of hard work in front of him. The only way he can overcome his addictive behaviour is by continuing his counselling, group counselling, church, Sacrament of Reconciliation (weekly), etc.

OP, don't let it get you down. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.


#16

You're not a selfish man, you just committed a selfish act. We are all sinners, every human except Jesus has sinned. That means we need a savior and that savior is jesus/god.
Try to be more 'christ like' hence the term 'christian'.


#17

[quote="Serap, post:15, topic:218017"]
wow that was mean spirited to say the least.

I believe that this man has an addiction; just like smoking is an addiction. I have never had an addiction myself, but I can only imagine how hard it would be to break an addiction. People smoke knowingly that it can kill them; perhaps deep down they don't like who they are and continue to smoke (knowing they are slowly killing themself. There is a pyschological term for it that I learned in university - can't remember it).

People with addictions often subconsciously sabotage themselves. They hold themselves in contempt. They hate who they are and want out, but don't know how. OP probably on a subconscious level, allowed himself to get caught.

You don't know this man's childhood; where he learned his values; what he has been through.

Yes, the wife is the victim in all of this, but a little (if not sympathy) empathy instead of contempt, should be directed at this man. He has gone to the trouble of finding CAF and posting in a desparate attempt to seek how to win his wife back.

I liken this man to the Tax Collector quietly praying at the back of the church for forgiveness. Or the Tax Collector that vowed to give all of the money back 3 fold (I think it was 3 fold). Jesus definitely would not kick a man when he is down. He would tell him straight up that his behaviour cannot be tolerated and if his wife leaves, then that will become his penance. Jesus would tell him to stand up and face his evil temptations and overcome them with His help. Jesus would say that through him, OP can overcome his wrong doings and a place will be waiting for him in Heaven.

OP has a lot of hard work in front of him. The only way he can overcome his addictive behaviour is by continuing his counselling, group counselling, church, Sacrament of Reconciliation (weekly), etc.

OP, don't let it get you down. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

[/quote]

Mean spirited? I wonder which of our responses is more merciful???

You use all the PC buzzwords to validate and justify his obnoxious behavior. The reality is that "behavior" is a choice. It is an act of the will. Decisions like these are why some may land in hell.

My hope and my prayer is that the OP can experience real conversion. Right now, he needs tough, honest love...not a lot of excuses. Oh, and I could care less about his upbringing. He is an adult and he needs to get over the fact that someone may have treated him badly as a kid. His marriage and the state of his eternal soul and his wife's eternal soul is at stake...


#18

uhhh…wow…I wouldn’t want you in my life during time of trouble :eek:


#19

I agree that there is no excuse for what he did, but nobody is trying to justify his actions. He knows its wrong, we know its wrong, everybody knows its wrong. But what else are we supposed to do? Yell at him? Yeah, that just sounds so christ-like, doesnt it? :rolleyes: Plus hes gotten yelled at enough by his wife, im sure.

There is no excuse for cheating, however, when he comes for help, we are to give him help. he already feels bad enough for messing up his marriage by doing this. Yes, if she leaves, its a price to pay for those kinds of actions, but he can’t change the past, only the future. And thats what he needs to focus on.


#20

Here is what Paul said about our desire to sin: Romans:14-25

14 For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am made out of flesh, sold into sin’s power. 15 For I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not practice what I want to do, but I do what I hate. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 So now I am no longer the one doing it, but it is sin living in me. 1**8 For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For the desire to do what is good is with me, but there is no ability to do it. 19 For I do not do the good that I want to do, but I practice the evil that I do not want to do. **20 Now if I do what I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but it is the sin that lives in me. **21 So I discover this principle: when I want to do good, evil is with me. 22 For in my inner self I joyfully agree with God’s law. 23 But I see a different law in the parts of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and taking me prisoner to the law of sin in the parts of my body. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with my mind I myself am a slave to the law of God, but with my flesh, to the law of sin. **

I will be praying for you. Don’t listen to people who are cruel, read your Bible and pray, and get back to accountability.


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