I am a 30 year old married woman. I love my husband very much. We have been married for five years. He works extremely hard for us and has always treated me with kindness, love and generosity.
I work outside our home because we are unable to have children, a source of great sorrow for both of us. We are open to adoption but have not pursued it very seriously because we have not yet, perhaps, given up hope that it will still happen naturally for us.
I was able to climb very high on the career ladder early on in life, and while I do have some major responsibilities at work, I have plenty of time to spend doing personal things as well. I am required to be online at work because I am employed by a major ISP. Here is where the problem started…
I seem to be addicted to lying online while chatting with complete strangers. It has led to phone calls outside of the computer, and me creating an entirely separate identity that I describe when first getting to know someone online. I spend an inordinate amount of time on phone calls to complete strangers, all of whom eventually want to meet and develop a relationship or friendship outside of the computer or phone. I have no desire to do this, and because I’ve (on occasion) been tempted to do so, I use the fact that I create a fake name and fake life story as a safeguard to keep me from actually doing so. When it reaches a breaking point, I either confess to them the truth or I make up some huge reason why I can’t bring myself to meet the person. It gets so bizarre and I develop emotional attachments that are inappropriate for a married woman.
I feel so confused and guilty. AND SO ALONE. Doing this and hiding the phone calls and online activities from my husband creates so much turmoil for myself and I can NOT understand why I keep doing it. It’s true that I feel so lonely and sad about the fact that we can’t have children, as I watch all of my real life friends and siblings having their second or third or fourth babies and no longer inviting me or my husband to hang out or spend time with them–because we don’t have the requisite baby.
I am very afraid of going to hell over this. I think it constitutes at least emotional adultery, as I don’t tell men that I’m married and pretend to be single and fun, etc. It’s like they serve as a distraction for me so I don’t have to think about my real life. I go to confession time and again and time and again…I go right back to doing it. My husband keeps asking me why I don’t receive communion anymore. I feel like God must not love me anymore, either.
My husband and I have been to counseling and to many doctors. Although, never to counseling about my issue with this. I am too afraid to tell him, or anyone, really. It is my fault that we can’t have children, not his. I feel like I am not good enough for him and I worry that he will leave me over it, even though he assures me time and again that he loves me so much and will never leave me no matter what. I feel like I am testing him sometimes and as if I want to beat him to the punch…when no punch is being thrown.
I am crying as I write this. I’m so sad over it and I don’t know how to stop and what scares me is that I’m not sure I want to stop. It keeps me from thinking all the sad thoughts about how disappointing my own life is, and all because of me. I love my husband so much, and he is soooo good and kind. He deserves someone better than me.
Can anyone help me? Please just tell me something, anything, that could help me.