A family tragedy


#1

The thing with terrible news is that by definition you never know when it’s coming.

Here’s a fictionalized story about something deeply disturbing that recently happened to our family:

Officer: “Mr. [Montanaman]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Officer: “I’m afraid I have some disturbing news for you. It seems your father–”

Me: “What is it?”

Officer: “Montanaman, there’s no easy way to say this, but it appears your father has…are you sitting down? I really think you should be sitting down for this.”

Me: “Just tell me. Is he okay?”

Officer: “He seems to be coherent. He’s upbeat. In fact, there may be nothing wrong with him.”

Me: “Then what’s the problem?”

Officer: “You should know that this isn’t the end of your family. This has happened to many, many families, and through intensive treatment, it can even be cured.”

Me: “Do I even want to know what you’re talking about?”

The officer lets out a long sigh

Officer: “Your father has recently purchased a red 2005 Corvette. Eight cylinders. Mag wheels.”

The news falls on me like a dislodged 747 engine from the sky.

Me: “My father? But he…he’s always driven Ford trucks. He started with F150s and moved up to dualy 350s and even flirted with that Powerstroke model. No, this can’t be–my dad only drives Ford trucks. He’d certainly never buy a little roller skate–and certainly not a Chevy.”

Officer: “I understand that you’re in shock. But isn’t it true that he had a Datsun pickup in the eighties?”

Me: "Shut up! Shut your talk hole! …

Okay, I’m sorry I said that. It’s just that…well…mom and dad were just married. They were starting out in life. Dad had to do some things he wasn’t proud of just to keep the lights on."

Officer: “I see…”

Me: “Just tell me one thing, officer–has he grown a mustache? For the love of all that is holy, please tell me he didn’t get a vanity plate.”

Officer: “Are you sitting down, Montanaman? You’d better sit for this…”

Me: “Just tell me.”

Officer: “His plate says ‘AGELSS.’”

Me: [Weeping inconsolably…] You know it’s going to be bad, but you never expect it to be THAT bad…

Officer: “Here’s the number of a counselor who helps families come to terms with middle-aged Corvetitosis in loved ones. Good luck. We’ll all be praying for you down at the station. Oh, and one more thing, Montanaman…”

Me: “What? Please, no more…”

Officer: “I know you’re in a painful place right now, but I don’t care how old your father is. We clock him doing over a hundred in the country limits, it’s the highway to the Graybar Hotel, you got it?”

Me: “I’ll be sure to tell him.”


#2

I’ve already told DH I don’t mind if he goes out and gets a red convertible or even a Corvette, but if he brings it home with a Heather in the front seat, it’s over.


#3

[quote=puzzleannie]I’ve already told DH I don’t mind if he goes out and gets a red convertible or even a Corvette, but if he brings it home with a Heather in the front seat, it’s over.
[/quote]

Lol. Kinda goes without saying…


#4

:rotfl:

My dad bought a motorcycle when he turn 60. He was a retired engineer, suit and tie kind of guy, very straight laced. My dad gets not only the bike but then Harley boots and leather motorcycle jacket.

The bike was used and luckily it conked out the first week. We were worried. He never did get it running but it still sits in their garage 15 years later. Poor dad.:stuck_out_tongue:


#5

My dad has been an electrician, a builder, a contractor, and now he’s a Corvette-driving golf club owner.

I always suspected I didn’t really know what went on in that man’s head, but now I know. I mean, LOOK AT THIS:

http://www.roadfly.org/magazine/galleries/ny_auto_show_2004/photos/photos-05-2004/2005-Corvette-C6-Convertible-pic-12-6448468.JPG

I’m beginning to be genuinely concerned.


#6

I hope your mom can handle the competition. She looks pretty curvy!


#7

You don’t think he’ll be wearing gold chains next, do you?


#8

I don’t know what you do for a living but I hope it’s something that makes good use of your creativity. Your writing is excellent & so funny!

Swtiching from Ford to Chevy? That would be grounds for shunning in my family. :bigyikes:


#9

Just start having your family reunions at the end of a 10 mile long rutted logging road. He’ll be back in the pickups in no time. And the family reunions will be a hoot!


#10

[quote=dulcissima]You don’t think he’ll be wearing gold chains next, do you?
[/quote]

Heh. A few years back he was sporting a goatee. I nearly fell over. If this quiet, laid-back guy starts wearing gold chains, reality will crack, disintegrate, bond and fuse into a singularity, and suck the framework out of reality until the universe is an unintelligible, spineless mass of incomprehensibility.


#11

Oh, I don’t know. Before gas prices went thru the roof, I had been thinking about getting a 10-12-year-old 'Vette. Red. Convertible. I’m retired, and I’ll be 60 this year.

:windinhair:

DaveBj


#12

[quote=carol marie]I don’t know what you do for a living but I hope it’s something that makes good use of your creativity. Your writing is excellent & so funny!

Swtiching from Ford to Chevy? That would be grounds for shunning in my family. :bigyikes:
[/quote]

Thanks! I write grants, proposals and reports all day long in an effort to bilk corporations out of millions. Unfortunately, there’s virtually nothing creative you can do with a proposal on telecom or health care reform. All attempts have been rejected or lame on arrival:

"Dear Microsoft,

As the sun rose over Rosewood Elementary School, little Billy was sad. Little Billy, you see, was using a computer with a dial-up connection because outdated and unnecessarily restrictive telecom laws prevented his school from being able to afford Wi-Fi. Little Billy would tell you (if he had a computer that could send e-mail) that the only way to break the logjam of out-of-control telecom regulation is to open the market to choice and competition.

Of course, Little Billy won’t be around to see the benefits of such market reform, because in all likelihood, he’ll be dead soon. Partisan interests continue to imprison his single mother in expensive, complicated health care paradoxes. For Little Billy’s mommy, it’s a choice between food or medicine…"

That took me about three minutes to write. Writing the straight version of that for XYZ corporation takes me about three hours.

This job makes my skin itchy and gives my left eye an uncontrollable tick.


#13

Hmmm, maybe that is something a red corvette could cure. You never know…


#14

There goes your inheritance! (wink)


#15

Oh, no, see in my family switching from Chevy to Ford would be grounds for my dad to disown me.

Then again, he also has a 2003 50th anniversary edition corvette with a personalized license plate…

Yeah, Montanaman, you’re in deep doo-doo.
:smiley:


#16

Hey, at least if he buys a sportscar he can sell it again, if he gets a toygirl he can give her up …

my Dad, the quiet respectable doctor, got a tattoo when he turned 60 - fairly tasteful as far as tattoos go, but still a tattoo nonetheless. Ain’t no way he can get rid of THAT, at least not without a lot of pain and expense.

You should have seen my jaw drop when he showed it to me :bigyikes:


#17

:nope: You guys have heard about FORD, right?

boycottford.com


#18

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