First, a very merry Christmas to you all and a blessed new year.
As a preface, on a previous post I was accused of being a “troll”. Despite my struggles which are particularly odd and embarrassing, I assure you that I am nothing more than a young Catholic man who is seeking to see God’s will for me amidst a sea of emotion, confusion and doubt. I feel as much guilt and shame about this as anyone and this is certainly not easy for me to share.
For those who may think this story portrays me as a self-interested, self-pitying misanthrope please understand that I am certain my “cross” is NOTHING in comparison to the hunger, thirst, disease and death that torments our poor brothers and sisters around the world. I feel fortunate I’m not in that situation and thank God for it frequently. I’m just seeking answers to this.
The only way to approach this is to be blunt. I have had clinical OCD for essentially my entire life. It kept me awake at night as a 4,5, and 6 year old and has persisted with me throughout my life. When I was about six years old, I found myself with an odd fixation for diapers. Having had a younger sibling, I was able to steal one and wear (not “use” obviously) it in my basement in secrecy for a few months. Engaging in this behavior was the most comforting and exciting thing that, at the time, my six year old brain just could not comprehend. My mother discovered this habit and quickly rebuked me for it.
The desire remained, and, despite one or two periods of regression, I reached age 11 having kicked this cold turkey. I found a book about Hell in a Barnes and Noble and I was scared absolutely straight and worked on not only kicking the act but also the thoughts, google searches, and associated actions that I worried would count me among the sexually immoral. I immediately worried that I was no longer a virgin, as I had experienced a degree of erotic excitement (never a climax, but an erection). I unfortunately succumbed to extreme scrupulosity from there through high school.
This facet has never really affected me too much socially. I am and was known as thekid who goes the extra mile to ensure he does the right thing, but I am and was still well integrated into the social fabric. I played multiple sports in high school and in college I’m the head of the Arimathea Society and play a ton of intramural sports.
My senior year of high school, I was finally put on medication for my OCD. It helped me tremendously with my compulsions and help a bit to mitigate excessive rumination. I certainly did and still struggle, but the medication helped me to have clarity.
Even while on the medicine, from the age of 6 on up to the present I still cannot walk through a CVS without having to actively avoid looking at the incontinence section so as to preclude a “lustful” glance at adult absorbent underwear if I desire.
Fast forward to this year. I am a college student, and for the first time in almost 8 or so years, I wore a diaper. I went to the store and purchased a pack of adult incontinence underwear at CVS. While engaging in this behavior in private, there was absolutely no masturbation involved and a climax was never achieved. I did have occasional erections, but the overriding feelings were of excitement and comfort. Certainly, I was and am, very, very confused about how a varsity athlete who is committed to having a true relationship with God can be so weak as to buy a pack of adult diapers as a college student without a medical need, and feel anything good while doing it.
I talked to four different priests about it. One told me that wide is the way that leads to damnation and I certainly should avoid engaging in this behavior. Another gave me a more qualified response, saying it would be best to avoid it but it wouldn’t be terribly sinful to “try” it. Another said it was nothing more than a distraction and was little more than a enjoying a favorite childhood blanket. The last told me that it wasn’t hurting anyone and didn’t seem to find it to be a big deal.
My mother found out I had engaged in this and told me I must promise her not to ever do this again. She feels this way, as she says, not because it is a moral issue to her but that it would cause me far more harm than good in the long run. I can certainly see the validity in that.
Adding a final layer, I have a girlfriend at the moment. She of course does not know about this struggle of mine, nor would I tell her at this juncture. We’ve been dating on and off for about 2 years now. I don’t want to feel like I’m being untrue to her by engaging in this behavior of wearing diapers, and moreover want to ensure something like this does not prevent me from being a capable and loving husband in the future.
Without these external forces, while wearing adult diapers I (embarrasingly) feel this great comfort, joy and excitement. But God’s will must come first. I seek all of your advice.