A Fixation

First, a very merry Christmas to you all and a blessed new year.

As a preface, on a previous post I was accused of being a “troll”. Despite my struggles which are particularly odd and embarrassing, I assure you that I am nothing more than a young Catholic man who is seeking to see God’s will for me amidst a sea of emotion, confusion and doubt. I feel as much guilt and shame about this as anyone and this is certainly not easy for me to share.

For those who may think this story portrays me as a self-interested, self-pitying misanthrope please understand that I am certain my “cross” is NOTHING in comparison to the hunger, thirst, disease and death that torments our poor brothers and sisters around the world. I feel fortunate I’m not in that situation and thank God for it frequently. I’m just seeking answers to this.

The only way to approach this is to be blunt. I have had clinical OCD for essentially my entire life. It kept me awake at night as a 4,5, and 6 year old and has persisted with me throughout my life. When I was about six years old, I found myself with an odd fixation for diapers. Having had a younger sibling, I was able to steal one and wear (not “use” obviously) it in my basement in secrecy for a few months. Engaging in this behavior was the most comforting and exciting thing that, at the time, my six year old brain just could not comprehend. My mother discovered this habit and quickly rebuked me for it.

The desire remained, and, despite one or two periods of regression, I reached age 11 having kicked this cold turkey. I found a book about Hell in a Barnes and Noble and I was scared absolutely straight and worked on not only kicking the act but also the thoughts, google searches, and associated actions that I worried would count me among the sexually immoral. I immediately worried that I was no longer a virgin, as I had experienced a degree of erotic excitement (never a climax, but an erection). I unfortunately succumbed to extreme scrupulosity from there through high school.

This facet has never really affected me too much socially. I am and was known as thekid who goes the extra mile to ensure he does the right thing, but I am and was still well integrated into the social fabric. I played multiple sports in high school and in college I’m the head of the Arimathea Society and play a ton of intramural sports.

My senior year of high school, I was finally put on medication for my OCD. It helped me tremendously with my compulsions and help a bit to mitigate excessive rumination. I certainly did and still struggle, but the medication helped me to have clarity.

Even while on the medicine, from the age of 6 on up to the present I still cannot walk through a CVS without having to actively avoid looking at the incontinence section so as to preclude a “lustful” glance at adult absorbent underwear if I desire.

Fast forward to this year. I am a college student, and for the first time in almost 8 or so years, I wore a diaper. I went to the store and purchased a pack of adult incontinence underwear at CVS. While engaging in this behavior in private, there was absolutely no masturbation involved and a climax was never achieved. I did have occasional erections, but the overriding feelings were of excitement and comfort. Certainly, I was and am, very, very confused about how a varsity athlete who is committed to having a true relationship with God can be so weak as to buy a pack of adult diapers as a college student without a medical need, and feel anything good while doing it.

I talked to four different priests about it. One told me that wide is the way that leads to damnation and I certainly should avoid engaging in this behavior. Another gave me a more qualified response, saying it would be best to avoid it but it wouldn’t be terribly sinful to “try” it. Another said it was nothing more than a distraction and was little more than a enjoying a favorite childhood blanket. The last told me that it wasn’t hurting anyone and didn’t seem to find it to be a big deal.

My mother found out I had engaged in this and told me I must promise her not to ever do this again. She feels this way, as she says, not because it is a moral issue to her but that it would cause me far more harm than good in the long run. I can certainly see the validity in that.

Adding a final layer, I have a girlfriend at the moment. She of course does not know about this struggle of mine, nor would I tell her at this juncture. We’ve been dating on and off for about 2 years now. I don’t want to feel like I’m being untrue to her by engaging in this behavior of wearing diapers, and moreover want to ensure something like this does not prevent me from being a capable and loving husband in the future.

Without these external forces, while wearing adult diapers I (embarrasingly) feel this great comfort, joy and excitement. But God’s will must come first. I seek all of your advice.

Thanks.

Please do not construe this as medical advice,but see a therapist as soon as possible.

I know you must have really felt uncomfortable opening up to perfect strangers about this, and that you are really struggling with this. First of all, I want to say that I think it’s very important to get some help for your OCD. I also think it would be beneficial to open up to a Catholic therapist so he/she will be able to guide you in relation to your belief system as you work on these issues, especially the diaper fetish. I think a therapist will be able to help you identify why you are turning to diapers instead of dealing with your need for security and comfort via other outlets. My prayers are with you! May God bless you!

K. Because I think you’re sincere in asking this question I’ll give you my take on this.

You’ve allowed these diapers to be mixed in with what your brain thinks is forbidden. A lot of time the forbidden excites a part of our brain. It sends us an adrenaline rush because 2 reasons. The forbidden is also oftentimes the dangerous. But also the forbidden is usually a secret. And secrets are exciting too. They get stuck in that part of the brain that obsesses about them.

So here’s what I’d advise you man. Obviously you’ve got to let this go. But to do that you’ve got to treat it like any other addiction. You’ve got to pare it back. You’ve got to get on top of it but good. Because if you play with this after you get married? Well man you won’t stay that way. This is too odd a thing for most girls to get right into.

So you’ve got to get this out of the space between your ears that signals it as forbidden. As a secret pleasure. As the danger zone. And instead slide it over to the part that pictures the look on your girlfriend’s face if she ever found out.

Because like any other unhealthy fetish it just doesn’t carry with anyone else. It doesn’t ring anyone else’s bell. So you’ve got to be the master of your own self. And shut this down. And soon.

Well you know all that. So the question’s how? By changing the association. Change it from a thrill to a gag reflex. I’ll leave the details of that up to you. But if you really want to know just PM me. I’ll lay it out in plain language.

Peace joso.

-Trident

Please see a professional mental health therapist— they are the one most qualified to assist you with this.

I appreciate all of your responses. I was planning on seeing a mental health professional regardless once I got back on campus. Would be very appreciative to hear others thoughts about my dilemma.

Some mental health professionals can be helpful; and some are not.

It may be helpful to seek out a therapist from the Association of Catholic Therapists. They are trained to see the whole person, emotions and spirit, in a Christian framework reference.

Thank you Dorothy

You are welcome…and have a Blessed Christmas and New Year!

Very brave to lay it out so bluntly! That’s a big step.

I talked to four different priests about it. One told me that wide is the way that leads to damnation and I certainly should avoid engaging in this behavior. Another gave me a more qualified response, saying it would be best to avoid it but it wouldn’t be terribly sinful to “try” it. Another said it was nothing more than a distraction and was little more than a enjoying a favorite childhood blanket. The last told me that it wasn’t hurting anyone and didn’t seem to find it to be a big deal.

This is why I get confused when posters here defer to priests so much. “Just ask Father, he’ll know JUST what to do, because all priests are the same and contain perfect wisdom.” :confused:

You’re a normal person. You just have an abnormal desire. Focus on the first part and the second will subside, along with some specific targeted efforts. TridentH is right on with his advice. Seeing a good therapist would help as well.

I didn’t recieve the Host at Mass today and I just watched videos of people wearing the diapers online. I am just so confused about these feelings I’m having. Please pray for me right now.

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