I have known one of my dearest friends for a few years. I am interested in him and have spent so much time in prayer over the past years discerning whether this is what I’m supposed to feel, and have come to an overwhelming peace that it is. While we have a friendship that has Christ at the centre, we don’t always communicate as we should. I am struggling to feel calm about the waiting for something else to transpire and always feeling anxious. I am trying to trust God more and more and more, and praying for grace to do so. However, I often fail. Friends always look down upon the way things are with us and blame it on him leading me on. They warn me to be careful.
We don’t have any sort of physical relationship, just to clarify. But he has led me on emotionally. A couple years back he knew I was interested and didn’t give me closure. Since then he’s mostly remained in my life, but sometimes I won’t hear from him for a while (which I’ve come to accept as normal behaviour from him). He’s very reserved and somewhat closed off (from everyone, not me–he’s actually more open with me, I think).
I don’t think how things are is very fair. But, I keep wrestling with whether God would have me be still and wait or initiate a conversation. It feels like over the years whenever a serious conversation has to be had I have been the initiator. I try not to harbour negative feelings about this, but I sometimes fall into resenting the fact that I have to be the vulnerable one. I know God wants me to let him lead. It is my nature to be controlling and I’m really good at planning stuff so sometimes I get frustrated when he doesn’t (the curse of Genesis 3, I suppose).
I’m always wondering what’s holding him back. I know the timing isn’t great as we both lead busy lives, but I expect he should at least tell me that’s the case and have a civil conversation about it. We are no longer in junior high.
So my question is: would I be out of line in my role as the girl in asking him a simple question of where I stand with him? Or do I need to wait?
I know I can’t rely on other people’s advice and have to listen to the Lord as I wrestle through this (for what feels like the thousandth time), but I would appreciate some solid Catholic advice. If nothing else, keep a couple of confused twenty-somethings in your prayers.