A habit of blasphemous thoughts

Here it goes: about 2 months ago, I had intrusive blasphemous thoughts and totally panicked instead of trusting the Lord and being prudent. I couldn’t get rid of the thoughts, fought with them, got upset over them, and over time ended up consenting to and willing some of them. I turned my back on the Lord and went the other way. I also started having thoughts cursing and insulting other people (those I love and those I don’t even know), but I wonder whether I started willing the thoughts because I was in such a bad state of mind and soul. My psychiatrist thinks I have scrupulosity OCD, and when all this started at first I thought I did have scruples. But because I know for certain that I at one point turned my back on God and did will at least some of these thoughts, I think the situation I’ve put myself in is more complicated than a case of scruples. I actually think I developed some really awful mental habits (I think if I had full-blown OCD I’d be more distressed) and that my emotions have gone flat regarding them not just because of the meds I’m on but because my soul and conscience are in disorder. I have been constantly fighting with hateful thoughts which a lot of the time feels like a fight with myself, trying to avoid the bad thoughts I had before, negate the bad thoughts I have with prayer or blessing God’s name, trying to not will or recall the thoughts that I don’t want to have. Even when I mentally pray, thoughts sometimes bubble up, and trying to mentally and vocally pray at the same time has become harrowing because I can’t completely control my thoughts, and insults end up slipping into my mental prayer while I’m trying to vocally pray, and I don’t want to blaspheme Mary or the Trinity to their faces. Trying to read Scripture or spiritual reading also ends up with my mind grabbing onto some holy place or person and cursing it even though I don’t actually MEAN the thought or take it any further. It has become very difficult to discern which thoughts are just popping up, which thoughts I’m just remembering having had, and which thoughts I’m willing out of habit. I want to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind, be able to receive the Eucharist worthily (I’m concerned that I received unworthily this past Sunday after not receiving for weeks because of this), and stay OUT of mortal sin. I’ve seen a lot of advice on this forum regarding blasphemous thoughts and thoughts in general, but I honestly think I’ve formed mental habits of blasphemy, cursing, and insulting others, and gotten myself into a really gray area with which of these thoughts are mortal sins, which are venial, and what thoughts are just temptations. It has been really difficult to keep track of this for confession. I genuinely want to forget the bad thoughts I’ve had and change these horrible mental habits that are so offensive to God. I do have a new therapist, a Catholic priest with a degree in psychology, and I’m going to continue working with him on this. But I also know there are people on this forum who give really good advice as well, and I would deeply appreciate some feedback and help with this. God bless.

Honest opinion: you have recognized the problem, sought and found a counselor you can work together with to address it, and want it to change. Work with the counselor. All other input it just feeding OCD.

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Thank you, I will continue working together with him, but because I really, seriously fell away from God for a time and willingly had bad thoughts of Him during that time or didn’t care about having those bad thoughts, I just wonder how much of this I can attribute to OCD and how much to a bad will. I felt during that time (and still feel) something was wrong with my heart, not just my mind. Some of the thoughts I know have definitely been willed by me at one point or another, which is why I’m having such a hard time discerning between intrusive thoughts or just me. Like just today, I was thinking I need to trust God more, followed by a thought that cursed Him and then went “What does He know?” I’ve never had that one before. I disagreed with it, but there are times when I disagree with these thoughts it feels like me disagreeing with myself. I’m worried that I’ve developed a hard heart towards Our Lord. I’ll definitely be bringing this up with my counselor.

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