A little angry at DH right now


#1

…but I can’t figure out why.

I’m writing my exams this week, which is making me stressed because they are incredibly hard. I’m studying when I’m not writing them. DH comes home and asks whats for dinner. I say leftover spaghetti and he’s like “oh…”. So I offered to go to a restaruant because I just recieved gift cards and he says no, he wants to play his computer game. So i list off some options he says no to all of them. So finally I said, well, I’m gonna have spaghetti. He says “well what are you going to make me?”. I ask him why he assumes i’m gonna make it for him after every idea I presented he shot down? He just walked away. He offered to do the dishes last night, washed 4 or 5, leaving the rest of the counter undone, I ended up finishing they today. Ugh…there are so many things.

I finally just told him that I’m stressed from exams and feel like he’s taking me for granted. He told me that I only have 2 left, why should i be stressed.

I know that he doesn’t take me for granted, he does alot for me. But I guess what irks me is that he feels working 44 hours a week at his job is more stressful then what I do. I clean, cook, go to school full-time, work part-time, and manage the finances. I just wish there was a way for him to see how overwhelming it is for me.

I love him dearly, and I don’t want to fight with him. Maybe its just the stress this week that is making it bother me so much.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks


#2

I wouldn’t be a little angry with a husband who did that, I’d be real angry. It sounds like he’s having a “jerk” attack. I hope this is just a lapse, and not one of his major personality characteristics.

Why is it ok for you to slave and work and stress over your concerns all day long but he doesn’t have to have any consideration for your feelings and what you’re going through right now? My guess is that if the shoe were on the other foot, he’d expect you, as his wife, to cater to his every need.

Well, that works both ways. He’s supposed to hold you up and support you when you need it; you’re supposed to do the same for him, and you both do it for each other.

BTW, am I missing something and is he crippled and unable to stand up in the kitchen and prepare a meal?

Anyway, if I were you, I’d do whatever I want for dinner (make a sandwhich, have leftovers, go out) and let him do the same. And you need to have a long talk with him about mutual caring and support; that’s a two-way street.


#3

Then why did you tell him that?


#4

I told him that because that’s how I felt. But he brought up that fact that he drives me to school so I don’t have to walk, and if I want to go somewhere or do something he takes me. And for that fact now I feel like I’m taking him for granted. Perhaps we both are…this is why I’m so confused right now.


#5

I clean, cook, go to school full-time, work part-time, and manage the finances.

How much of your “stress” is self-imposed? In other words, things you took on without consideration of how they would impact your role as a wife.


#6

Well, I suppose much of it is. I’m almost done school, then I’ll only have to work full-time which would give me more time. The cleaning I do because I’m a neat-freak. I can’t stand the house being messy. I make the menus and grocery lists and cook because DH really doesn’t want to do any of that. Getting him to come to the grocery store is hard enough. If I ask him to cook dinner, he claims he doesn’t know how. If it were up to him, we’d have chicken and rice every night. He went grocery shopping once for me when I was sick. I gave him a list and he came back with everything plus $200 in cookies and ice cream etc. We had to be late on a bill because of it. The money, well, I guess I do that to myself as well. He isn’t good with money, he spends alot. We owe alot of money for student loans and, to be honest, I guess I don’t trust him with the finances, but at the same time, I wish he was more involved with them. And I am a hypocrite…

But how do i overcome taking on too much, and how do I (a control-freak) give the reins to someone else, even if it is my husband?

I admit, i sound like a terrible wife…


#7

Been there. :rolleyes:

When we first married I was working full-time and attending college full-time. We’d leave about the same time (6am)…I’d go to the gym and he’d head to PT (Army), but my day didn’t end until I walked in at 9-10pm after work. Then of course there was homework… DH was already home a good 3+ hours. Inbetween classes & heading off to work I’d fix dinner.

He never did anything in the house because honestly, he was raised that it’s women work. By example, I was raised cleaning & cooking is women’s work also. My dad never cooked or cleaned, but my mom did it even though she worked outside the home. My brothers are the same way from example…waiting to be served. They aren’t even married!!

Sorry…I think I was venting about what happened to me 15 years ago!!! LOL

Talk about it with your DH. I never did. Not until years later when I would bring up all I did & how sad I was that it didn’t seem good enough.

Find out what he expects…let him know what you’re feeling.
ESPECIALLY come to an agreement about expectations when it’s exam time or term papers are due.


#8

Wow, what a smart girl!

Do you know how long it takes most of us to get out of our own heads and see things from our spouse’s POV?


#9

Sarc,

Several possiblilities. 1. He may feel left out of your life right now. He is “acting up” wanting attention. Can you spare a few hours from studying and just give him that time?

Or: Is he happy about your going to school? Is he really supportive of your endeavour? My childrens father did everything he could to get me to fail my college classes. I withdrew from several classes simply because he made life so miserable. Of course he wasn’t any happier, but I did what I thought would make him happy. I did graduate, (on the Deans list every quarter) it was not easy. Ask him what he wants…you may be surprised that he can’t answer you. He may not know. After you graduate will you make a larger salary than he does? Does he have a college degree? Are you getting a lot of “atta boys” and compliments for going to school? My husband hated it when I got compliments of any kind…just a few thoughts to ponder.

By the way, good luck and “atta-girl”!!
Love and peace
Mom of 5


#10

Mom of 5,

He supports me in every way when it comes to school, but you may be right that he feels left out. Thats why I offered to go out for dinner tonight, but he didn’t want to. He would be just as upset as I would be if I failed a class. I probably will end up making more than him when I do get a job out of this. But our finances are combined and our goals, for the most part, are very similar so, as far as I know, that doesn’t really matter to him.

I do see his point of view, its hard, but I don’t want to feel like I am neglecting him at all.


#11

Mom of 5, what made you stay with this man? Did you really love him or did you just stay out of a sense of duty?
Your post makes him sound awful and clearly, as intelligent as you are, you didn’t need him for the money ?
What was it that made you stay?
I just saw and read the book The Prizewinner of Ohio about a 1950s mom whose husband treated her the same way, she stayed with him as well.
However, in her case, she had a lot of kids and I figured that she needed him for the support.
Was it your religious beliefs that kept you in the marriage or
was it something about him?


#12

You don’t sound like a terrible wife. He may be the president of the (your last name corporation), but you are the vice-president, not the peon.

Sounds to me like he really needs to delegate some very important things to you, and you need to seek his input on whether you’re taking on too much.


#13

I hear and understand your hurt… sounds like maybe it is time to contact Catholic Family Services and get some counselling… is a communication problem at the core? Sounds like there is some misunderstandings from both of you… you feel one way, he feels another. Effective communication skills might help the 2 of you to bridge gaps and set boundaries/expectations in your relationship? i.e., DH needs to understand that when you’re stressed out preparing for exams it would help you tremendously to not have to worry about making his dinner, or your dinner for that matter. Likewise, when he’s going through a hard time at work, you may have to make some sacrafices… yep, communication, because there are always going to be conflicts. I do admire your abilty to take a step back and see his side of things, probably one of the traits you will end up teaching him. However, as I’m sure you know, it is one thing to understand, it is totally another to act/feel that way when you, yourself are frazzled… I said a prayer that you are both able to move through this “glitch” in your relationship.
Take care… and best of luck with your exams!!!
BTW, does DH post here too? May not be the best place to air the family laundry… not judging, just wondering…


#14

Lion,

No her doesn’t post here, he doesn’t read forums…he thinks its geeky (while he runs to the store to get the newest RPG:p )…


#15

Cool! You stay cool too… “All things shall pass”


#16

So BTW, what the heck does “DH” stand for then? (i admit i’m not always so smart when it comes to acronyms on these sites :confused: :confused: :confused: )


#17

Hmmm…I would try talking this out with him. It’s when we let things go unspoken, and let things fester, that resentment starts building, and pretty soon…you’re not speaking at all. It’s best to share with him that you have a lot on you, just like he does…and that you both contribute. You are going to school…obviously to contribute to the family, I would imagine at some point, so he should respect that. I say should, doesn’t mean he will. I think talking things out should bring about some positive results. And always discuss things like…‘I feel like this…’ or ‘I really would like your help more around here…’ instead of ‘when you do this or that, it makes me mad.’ haha usually, that just makes men walk away. It used to make my husband walk out of many a room.:stuck_out_tongue: So…just pick a night…when you are both able to relax…not get up in the morning…and have a nice chat with each other. If he cares about the relationship, and wanting to make things work…which I’m sure he does…just something tells me this, I dunno…then, things will progress in a positive light. Good luck…you’re in my prayers.:slight_smile:


#18

DH – Dear Husband
DW – Dear Wife
DS – Dear Son
DD – Dear Daughter

D can also be Darling or if your very upset D can mean something else. :o


#19

You’re the best! Thanks! I kinda figured as much, but just wan’t sure :slight_smile:


#20

If you love him dearly and don’t want to fight with him, then don’t. Just don’t.

When you start tallying up who works more hours where, and who’s under more stress, it’ll never be anything but a lose-lose equation.

The Sacrament of Marriage: it’s a continual dying to self; the sanctification of our souls through charity and restraint, and a never-ending opportunity to minister to each other, and a thousand opportunities to be Christ to one another.

Don’t miss your chance!

Go give your husband a hug & start fresh.:thumbsup:


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