A man at my parish has a crush on me - how do I handle it?


#1

One of the ushers at my parish has a crush on me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. He is a very nice person, but he flirts with me and it makes me feel awkward. He often comments on my appearance and tells me that he wishes I were single.

I don’t like this kind of attention at all. I always know when a man is attracted to me and I appreciate it much more when a man treats me with respect and doesn’t make any comments about the attraction (because I am married with children).

Two years ago, I gave this man my email. My husband has also met him and thinks that he is very nice. This man emails me pictures of church events, so I feel more included (since I can never go due to motherly committments). Every now and then, he calls me “darling” and it makes me shiver.

How do I handle this? This man is a very nice person and I gather that he’s lonely and wishes that he were in-love with someone. I don’t want to hurt him.


#2

I always know when a man is attracted to me and I appreciate it much more when a man treats me with respect and doesn't make any comments about the attraction

if men, who are not your husband, are routinely "attracted" to you, it's time to check the signals you're giving off.

He often comments on my appearance

if he says: you look pretty. you say: thank you. if he says: you look hot. you say: that's an inappropriater and unwelcome comment.

He... tells me that he wishes I were single.

you say: i don't. i'm happy to be married to my husband.

he says

darling

you say: oh you must be thinking of swomeone else. i'm not your darling.


#3

[quote="monicatholic, post:2, topic:218999"]
if men, who are not your husband, are routinely "attracted" to you, it's time to check the signals you're giving off.

I am pretty....that is the only "signal" that I have. I don't play any flirtatious games. I am just nice and friendly to everyone (equally) at church. I really don't think I am giving off any signals b/c I am not the only woman that he flirts with like this. He also makes my girlfriend feel uncomfortable and she ignores him, but I'm not like that. I am still nice to him.

if he says: you look pretty. you say: thank you. if he says: you look hot. you say: that's an inappropriater and unwelcome comment.

He has never told me that I look hot. He has, however, told my husband that he is lucky.

you say: i don't. i'm happy to be married to my husband.

Good idea...thanks! I already missed that boat, but if it sails again, I will use that line.

he says you say: oh you must be thinking of swomeone else. i'm not your darling.

[/quote]

Doesn't that darling comment come across as mean though? I really don't want to hurt his feelings. He must feel down already. He lost his job, he has no family, and he's not getting any younger. I honestly feel bad for him.


#4

I have a friend who’s a young, cute mom in her late 20’s, and she still gets a LOT of attention. Her way of handling it is simple: the more flirtatious a man is with her, the more lovey-dovey she talks about her hubby.

Trust me, the last thing a guy who has a crush on you wants do is stand around for twenty minutes and listen to you gush about every little thing you love about your dear hubby-wubby.


#5

[quote="Serap, post:3, topic:218999"]
Doesn't that darling comment come across as mean though? I really don't want to hurt his feelings. He must feel down already. He lost his job, he has no family, and he's not getting any younger. I honestly feel bad for him.

[/quote]

I think you need to worry less about hurting his feelings, and concentrate more on the inappropriate behaviors this man is displaying. You said in another post that its not only you that he is flirting with and making uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable yourself being direct with this man, take it up with the priest. Maybe this man doesn't realize what he is doing is very inappropriate, or maybe he knows EXACTLY what he is doing and in that case it needs to stop ASAP. What if he's making the same kind of comments to young girls? He needs somebody to address the situation, and if you don't feel up to it, the priest should talk to him.


#6

[quote="Havard, post:4, topic:218999"]
I have a friend who's a young, cute mom in her late 20's, and she still gets a LOT of attention. Her way of handling it is simple: the more flirtatious a man is with her, the more lovey-dovey she talks about her hubby.

Trust me, the last thing a guy who has a crush on you wants do is stand around for twenty minutes and listen to you gush about every little thing you love about your dear hubby-wubby.

[/quote]

great idea. it's not mean and it gets to the point. love this suggestion!!!!

btw...i'm pushing 40, but blessed with youthful appearance :p


#7

I don't know, it sounds to me like he is just a flirt if he talks like this to all the girls.


#8

[quote="PatriceA, post:5, topic:218999"]
I think you need to worry less about hurting his feelings, and concentrate more on the inappropriate behaviors this man is displaying. You said in another post that its not only you that he is flirting with and making uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable yourself being direct with this man, take it up with the priest. Maybe this man doesn't realize what he is doing is very inappropriate, or maybe he knows EXACTLY what he is doing and in that case it needs to stop ASAP. What if he's making the same kind of comments to young girls? He needs somebody to address the situation, and if you don't feel up to it, the priest should talk to him.

[/quote]

I was just going to pot something like this. Additionally, make sure you and DH are together in his sight as much as possible, holding hands preferrably.


#9

You started it and have been keeping it going for two years because you get something out of it that your husband is not giving you.

You handle it by following your husband's advice.


#10

[quote="Serap, post:1, topic:218999"]
One of the ushers at my parish has a crush on me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. He is a very nice person, but he flirts with me and it makes me feel awkward. He often comments on my appearance and tells me that he wishes I were single.

[/quote]

Use another door where a different usher is present or always have your husband with you. Have your arm around him or hold his hand close.

Two years ago, I gave this man my email. My husband has also met him and thinks that he is very nice. This man emails me pictures of church events, so I feel more included (since I can never go due to motherly committments). Every now and then, he calls me "darling" and it makes me shiver.

Email him a short, to the point note saying you no longer want mail at your present email address, and ask that he sends pictures to your husband's email, or *set up a family account *(that's all DH and I have) so he knows your husband may be reading it, too. Then block his email on your personal address.


#11

[quote="Apollos, post:9, topic:218999"]
You started it and have been keeping it going for two years because you get something out of it that your husband is not giving you.

You handle it by following your husband's advice.

[/quote]

My husband is giving me everything I need thank you very much.


#12

[quote="jazzbaby1, post:8, topic:218999"]
I was just going to pot something like this. Additionally, make sure you and DH are together in his sight as much as possible, holding hands preferrably.

[/quote]

Dh doesn't go to church. He is not a big religious guy. I take my 2 children to church alone as I want them to grow up with the church in their lives.


#13

[quote="sanctareparata, post:10, topic:218999"]
Use another door where a different usher is present or always have your husband with you. Have your arm around him or hold his hand close.

Email him a short, to the point note saying you no longer want mail at your present email address, and ask that he sends pictures to your husband's email, or set up a family account (that's all DH and I have) so he knows your husband may be reading it, too. Then block his email on your personal address.

[/quote]

This email advice is great! The more you project yourself as a family unit, the stronger the message sent to this guy that he's crossing the line.


#14

[quote="monicatholic, post:2, topic:218999"]
if men, who are not your husband, are routinely "attracted" to you, it's time to check the signals you're giving off.

[/quote]

Baloney (in this case).

It will take me some thought to come up with a response to the original post.


#15

[quote="happymommy, post:7, topic:218999"]
I don't know, it sounds to me like he is just a flirt if he talks like this to all the girls.

[/quote]

yeah.

no pregnancy ticker ? :p


#16

[quote="Serap, post:12, topic:218999"]
Dh doesn't go to church. He is not a big religious guy. I take my 2 children to church alone as I want them to grow up with the church in their lives.

[/quote]

Ah, that's too bad that he doesn't come. In addition to the obvious reasons for going to Mass, having your husband there would be an effective deterrent to would-be flirts.


#17

[quote="Serap, post:12, topic:218999"]
Dh doesn't go to church. He is not a big religious guy. I take my 2 children to church alone as I want them to grow up with the church in their lives.

[/quote]

Then can you use another door or go at a different time?


#18

[quote="Serap, post:15, topic:218999"]
yeah.

no pregnancy ticker ? :p

[/quote]

not yet, hopefully sometime this winter:)


#19

[quote="Serap, post:15, topic:218999"]
no pregnancy ticker ? :p

[/quote]

I need to find a "bachelor ticker" that estimates the age of the mystery items in the back of my fridge. :p


#20

[quote="Havard, post:19, topic:218999"]
I need to find a "bachelor ticker" that estimates the age of the mystery items in the back of my fridge. :p

[/quote]

there is one...it's called mold:p


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