i’m slowly emerging from the shattered pieces of another extremely severe spiritual depression, and trying to crawl back into the light. i’m so tired of striving so hard in my faith only to fall/fail, and i’m so tired of feeling like a worthless disappointment to God, of believing the lies that Satan constantly fills my mind with. i don’t know why i suffer so much, or why i have to deal with so much spiritual warfare. if i don’t spend every moment very carefully staying in the light, the lies will begin to attack me and try to drag me back down into the darkness i knew for two and a half years.
i am so ashamed. i feel so weak - i know that i need more courage if i’m going to persevere in my faith, especially since i deal with so much spiritual warfare for some reason. is this level of spiritual warfare even normal? could my past ties to darkness have opened something within me that lets the devil in to attack me more easily? * my faith almost died this time - i even considered giving up completely and returning back into the world to drown myself in darkness for the rest of my life, and end my life in mortal sin so that i could - this is literally what i thought - ‘go to Hell like i deserve.’ luckily, my sanity has been restored, no doubt because of the faithful prayers of all of you on here - such incredible people and such amazing, supportive friends - and i want tonight to spark a new beginning in Jesus, one of living for Him and loving Him as never before, and faithfully being all that God wants, needs and calls me to be. unfortunately, my faith has been weakened by this depression, and i don’t know how i can strengthen it so that it can not only reach its past level, but become as strong as God wants it to be. obviously, i have trouble trusting in God, and tend to trust in my own efforts to reach salvation, which is why i grow so frantic when i fall and fail once more. do any of you have any suggestions or resources on how to grow trust in God? i love Him with all my heart, but i know that i don’t love Him enough, for if i did, i would trust Him more. i’m just very weak and afraid. i struggle with despising myself, and when these depressions come on without warning, i struggle with urges to hurt myself or even to commit suicide. they make me very self-destructive and impulsive, and i’m terrified that if i don’t resolve this spiritual depression soon enough, i will end up doing something i regret – maybe even end up in Hell. i feel a lot of darkness around me, and i’m afraid that i won’t be strong enough to resist it. i feel so ashamed for my lack of trust in God – especially after He literally intervened with a miracle to save me from Hell after my suicide attempt! i just don’t know how i can grow to trust Him more, and so i desperately need your help. any advice and/or resources would be very much appreciated. i would also truly appreciate it if you could give any advice or resources on how to grow in strength in my faith, and most of all, how to deal with suffering.
i have begun to read Divine Mercy in my Soul, and now that my sanity has been restored, i think i’ll be able to read it without breaking down and wondering why i’m not special/good enough for similar experiences. i feel so ashamed comparing myself to this amazing saint – i can only pray to become like her one day – but when i read of her suffering, it sounds very much like mine. i feel like i’m much older than sixteen sometimes, not only because of my past darkness, but because of what i have to struggle through every day. the thread on how disabilities affect one’s spiritual life made me want to cry, because i am just so ashamed. i feel like a terrible Christian and a disappointment to God because of all the ways i don’t trust in Him enough, and i don’t endure suffering well at all. is there any way i can endure this suffering for the sake of the souls in Purgatory, or offer it up to Jesus, joining it with His on the Cross? if any of you have any information or resources on how i can grow stronger and holier through suffering, and endure it for God’s glory, i would very much appreciate it.
i am very glad to tell you that the depression seems to be over, and i am more committed than ever to restoring my faith and working on finding hope and healing in Jesus. i don’t know why i suffer like this, but it must be for a reason, and i do have enough trust in God to know that He will never give me more than i can handle, and that He knows what He is doing with me. i just can’t help but feel that He’s angry with me when i don’t trust in Him, or when i think of myself as worthless. i don’t want to disappoint Him, and i don’t want to make Jesus suffer because of my own weakness. after reading bits and pieces so far of Sister Faustina’s diary, i know that what i struggle with is a huge obstacle to holiness – and please, i’m desperately asking for your help. any resources and/or advice – i would truly appreciate it, also, if you could keep me in your prayers. i feel selfish asking for prayers when it’s my own fault that i suffer this way, but i know that i can’t do this alone, and i trust that all of you on here will help and support me through this. maybe this is God’s way of purifying me to answer my prayer of becoming a saint. i don’t know. all i know is that something deep within me desperately needs to change, and that i can’t make this change alone. i need your help.
thank you so much to all of you – God bless you all. stay strong, and stay safe, and take care of yourselves, and know that you are always in my constant thoughts and deepest prayers.
Jesus, i endure this for You.
oh, my Jesus, have mercy on me.
Jesus, i trust in You.
in the peace and love of Christ,