A new old start


I have recently gotten engaged to a man who is the father to two of my children and he was at first very against the first pregnancy and tried to convince me to get an abortion which i know is a sin and i did not even consider it. Anyways he has not always been very supportive and actually kinda threatening once. But It has been about a 2 years now and I think he is making a concious effort to try to marry me and support me the right way and his children and is trying to become apart of the catholic community. Theres complications in this story with which are to extensive to get into but i just dont know it seems like its getting to go to fast i dont feel like i belong anywhere hes in love with me but i dont think i am " IN LOVE " with him i feel like i belong to my children and thats all.i have been alone for so long and i dont know even how to date anyone else. i am awkward and i say the wrong things and i guess he knows me and i dont know if i can date anyone else.
Should i be engaged with these feelings?


You shouldn't in my opinion be asking a bunch of strangers who have no true idea about your situation.

Please see a priest about these issues. He will be able to advise you.
I will pray for you.
God Bless you


Well from what you know what do you think because I am in this and i want someone who i dont knows opinion


[quote="Wedding_mama101, post:3, topic:241785"]
Well from what you know what do you think because I am in this and i want someone who i dont knows opinion


I gave my opinion. You should talk to a priest.


Wedding mama, it sounds as though you may have gotten conflicting advice from friends and are now trying to get some "impartial" advice. Asking total strangers, on an internet forum, is not the way to go, especially in the case of engagement and marriage. You yourself stated,

[quote="Wedding_mama101, post:1, topic:241785"]
Theres complications in this story with which are to extensive to get into.....


I'm not saying you should now explain these complications, there are some things which, rightly, should remain private, especially in a public medium like the internet.

Adrift has twice advised you to see a priest for advice in your situation. I second that advice strongly.



You said previously you wanted somebody’s opinion that you don’t know… Well, based upon what you wrote, this is my opinion: GET OUT NOW!!! RUN RUN RUN!!! See above: He has THREATENED YOU!!! This is NEVER okay.

I also believe that you need to speak to a priest. Of course. He will advise you further. But if somebody is ABUSIVE to you (threats) you need to LEAVE!!! That is NOT an okay relationship to show your children.

I believe that he may be an alright father, etc. He might be a great guy now, but threats are NEVER NEVER NEVER okay.

Please, do not think that those things get better. They do not. They get worse.

Perhaps I will get people on CAF who would beg to differ. But, please. For your safety and the safety of your children.


You are at a critical time in your life. You have lived alone for a long time as you mentioned and now there is a man who wants to marry you. He is not just any man but the father of two of your children. This means of course that you have other children who are not his.
Marriage is a very important commitment.You have to be absolutely clear in your mind that it is what you want and is what is good not just for you but for the children as well.
From the information you have given us, you are not sure at all that you want to marry this man.
Another complicating factor is that you have children who are not his. Is he the type of man who will accept another man’s child and treat as his own? Is he the type of man who may end up abusing you and your children. Is he catholic, does he pray. So many questions you have to ask yourself and answer honestly.
My opinion such as it is, is that you give yourself time. Tell him you are not ready to commit and turn to God for direction. Pray for guidance and I am sure that in time you will see clearly what is best. If he does not want to give you time, then the problem is solved. It was not meant to be.
Good luck .
God Bless!


He is trying to become catholic and i have talked to a preists and basically got nothing so i turned to god and i got that he is truely trying to change and thats all i am getting and now i am stuck what now.:confused:


Does he own up to what he did in the past? Is he sorry for asking you to get an abortion, or does he think it was justified at the time? Is he regretful that he threatened you? Or does he see it as, “If SHE didn’t do x, then I wouldn’t HAVE TO…”

The answer to those 2 questions will give you YOUR answer. If he has never truly repented for the past, as well as the threatening, then he cannot be part of your future, because you cannot trust him as a husband and wife should trust each other.


Give yourself time my dear.
Do not hurry to do anything. If he is really trying, so much the better.
He will understand your need to be absolutely sure marriage is the right step for the two of you. You know what they say: “Marry in haste, and repent at leisure”:slight_smile:


and what happens when you get awkward and say the wrong things? you say he has been threatening in the past (not to mention the threat of forcing you to murder his child). what is his reaction at these times? Is there verbal and emotional abuse? Is there a prospect of physical abuse than run don’t walk to Catholic Social Services for help getting out of this situation.

This is by your account a man who has never committed to you the mother of his children, or to them, and at least for the foreseeable future seems not to be free to marry you. After the first threat you actually stayed with him and got pregnant againt? Why? no don’t explain to me, explain to yourself why you are in this relationship because it sounds the way you express it as if fear of the unknown is the only reason. The last thing you even want to think about is dating in your current mindset which would mean the possibility of entering into another extra-marital relationship with no good prospect for your future.

Now it is not yourself but the welfare of your children which is your primary concern. The worst possible scenario is getting involved with another man before you find out why you let yourself get sucked into this current relationship. You have to know yourself first and get yourself right with yourself, and with God, before you can hope for any fruitful godly relationship with a man.

Much prayer, much humility, much honesty and much courage are required, but you are a mother and you have the strength of a mother, you can do this.


If the situation has you so concerned that you are looking for advice on an anonymous website, then i think you have your answer right there.

You can always wait to marry and see how things pan out, but if you marry and it turns out to be the wrong thing, you may have a disaster on your hands.

Only marry him if you really, really want to and can't imagine living without him. Yes, your situation is complicated, but that doesn't mean you deserve less or need to have lower standards!


If you have reservations, wait until they are cleared up before you attempt marriage. As long as you have reservations, marriage is not on the table. You don't have to defend them, you don't have to explain them, but you have to know with certainty that they are of no account with regards to your intent to be faithful to this man for as long as you live. Otherwise, don't pretend to attempt marriage; you could not make your vows honestly, if you did.

By your account, your sense is that he has violated your trust in the past. He seems to you to be someone you may even have cause to fear. It is his work to address those concerns with his actions. Those concerns were fairly earned, as far as you are concerned, yes? They are reasonable and legitimate, yes? If someone were to tell you her story, and it was identical to yours, you would not want her to rush into anything, right? There is no lack of charity in satisfying yourself that the concern is no longer necessary. Rather, you must have addressed all of your own reasonable concerns before you can give yourself with the totality that marriage requires.

It might happen. Don't feel any need to force it. As an earlier poster suggested, it will be worth your while to seek out orthodox spiritual direction on this matter that you feel you can trust.


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