I think that’s a perfect word for what it was. It was my first try at something deeper than just a friendship and I learned from it. There were times I could be myself but a lot of other times where I’d feel like I’d be upsetting her for hanging out with friends or silly things like playing a video game for a night. ‘You like your video game more than me.’
My friend told me to recognize what I liked about that relationship and also what I didn’t like so I don’t fall into the same thing again. He asked me some hard questions like if she came here right now and told me she was sorry and that she wants to look past it and move on. Part of me would want to take her back. But part of me would be like ‘No, you had your chance. You had 5 years of chances.’ He talked about how I need to find a backbone. He made the comparison to fishing. When a fish eats a worm, he doesn’t just give up and get reeled in, he fights.
I remember telling a friend how it feels like I’m trying so hard for it. He told me that I shouldn’t feel like I have to try.
This girl, I see a lot of my ex in her. But I also see me being able to actually discuss things without feeling like it’s one-sided and I already lost. When I was in the car with her about to sing, I asked her if she wanted me to belt it out or anything. She told me to sing how I wanted which felt nice.
I feel like sometimes, I should have brought up issues that bugged me with my ex. But like I said, I would feel like I lost before I even brought them up. I remember there were times when coworkers would ask if I wanted to go out after work and I’d know it’d already be a no even if I wanted to. I’d know she’d be waiting for me and if I told her they wanted to go out, she’d say ‘well do you want to go out?’ I couldn’t say I did because I know it’d cause her to be upset or disappointed. I didn’t want that so I just came home and called her which I mean, at least I could talk and be with her instead. I remember writing about how a friend would ask to go to a bar. I remember how I’d overthink the crap out of just that simple question and in the end, a no would lead to another night with her which wasn’t bad either, but I missed out on other opportunities.
Like tonight, if I was still with her. I couldn’t have stayed out as late as I did and had a good time with a friend. I remember even when I did go out, I’d be checking my phone constantly and texting her instead of being in the moment. In my mind, that was me being loyal to her and making her happy. And if she was happy, all was good. And I liked making her happy. And I was alright with that because it meant that I’d get to talk to her later on.