I know you’ll hate this answer, but it’s both. Sometimes when you feel yourself on the edge of lethal overdose, you cry for God, and he comes. Like many people, I always find myself looking for God when I feel the end is near.
The thing with pychs is if you have a bad trip, you always reach out for God wether you’re about to die or not—maybe becuase you always think your about to die during a bad trip. Maybe the fact that were still here is proof enough that he does, indeed, exisist. Then again maybe it was gut reaction that we pray for salvation during what we think is the hour of our death.
Honestly I don’t know, and I find myself put into this position where I must place a bet. If I’m an agonstic, then I believe in “something.” But what if God in the bible is the literal true God, and by me being a “lukewarm” beliver as is said in the bible, I will be cast to hell. So the alternative is to believe and serve the true God whole heartedly. Maybe that means forsaking my family whom aren’t true believers, or my very close freinds who are the same. Maybe it means giving up everything I loved and known.
That’s why I hate being a “true Christian” because it means forsaking eveything I thought I once loved. (Edited) Maybe the Fundamentalists have it right in detaching themselves from all worldly things in reverence for God, but I struggle with such a notion, and therefore I hate God and hate myself.
Perhaps I’ll struggle with this flaw until I die or until the rapture when I’ll see hell, and see that my struggle was just another instance of human pride. But until that day, I drink and drink some more, because I can’t handle the truth or the notion of what may be true.
Again, this doesn’t answer your question directly, but maybe it’ll help you in some way. And if not (Edited).