A Personal Account: "I Came Out As Gay and Left My Family Behind. I Can't Believe How Selfish I Was."

see lifesitenews.com/opinion/may-i-please-speak-to-my-daddy
This account speaks of a disturbing thing overlooked, about forsaken children when gay people come out.

Interesting, a POV not heard often, and given the societal and liberal cultural and media slant, one not going to be heard by many.

So sad.

This is the first time I’ve heard this perspective.

A Personal Account: “I Came Out As Gay and Left My Family Behind. I Can’t Believe How Selfish I Was.”

The thing about this title is that he is not gay, and what he came out of was his marriage. So maybe a better title would be “My wife and I are straight people who got a divorce.”

He could still talk about selfish gay persons.

Edit: My mistake, he does describe himself as “gay”.

The very first paragraph seems to indicate he actually IS gay, or at least bisexual or “same sex attracted”:

When I was taking my first few steps out of the closet in the late 1990s, a guy who called himself Tex offered me a short version of his life story over drinks at a Dupont Circle bar. The conversation took an unanticipated turn: he explained that his current partner had moved halfway across the country, leaving behind an ex-wife and kids.

I looked this guy up and he actually has a whole series of articles about coming out and leaving his wife and children, only to eventually return to his marriage. Here’s one of them:

thepublicdiscourse.com/2016/07/17316/

I walked away from my marriage nearly twenty years ago because of my same-sex attraction. I made a stunning error in judgment. Thankfully, our marriage has been very happily restored for more than five years now. Along the way, I learned that marriage is more than just a tradition or a religious or social construct.

I suspect he’d rather describe himself as “SSA” these days than “gay” but he is definitely not a straight man, and there are prior articles from when he was only partially restored to his marriage, living with his family but not having remarried his wife yet and still calling himself “gay”.

ETA: Oops I see you corrected yourself already. But I agree the first article is a little confusing. I’m also not sure if I agree with him that all people with SSA who are in straight marriages should stay in them, and that also ignored the fact that many spouses who find this out would NOT want to stay in such marriages either. Many would find the chance of the SSA spouse eventually falling to temptation and cheating on them to be too great to risk. If the non-SSA spouse was ignorant of this issue at time of the marriage, he or she would even have a very strong case for annulment.

Indeed, I can think of a lot vitriolic posts directed at gay people who have “cross orientation” marriages on CAF, even from posters who mostly support the LGBT agenda.

Yeah, after reading it I thought the title referred to the unname gay father at the beginning (the partner of Tex) rather than the author. Then after the first time I posted on this thread, I thought to myself “Well, am I sure he’s straight? He didn’t say so explicitly.” then I looked at the beginning if the article and I discovered a reference to “out of the closet”.

Good post.

I don’t know a lot of gay people, and definitely not a lot who are in mixed orientation marriages, but from what I’ve heard and read it seems like even most who are happy in an MOM will say that MOMs aren’t for everyone. (Which is not to say that they would recommend those who are in one to get a divorce / leave their family.)

As a child of divorce, my perspective is a little different. I didn’t miss having A father, I missed the person who was my father. Perhaps the dynamics in my family would have been different, and I fully understand the importance of a male figure for a child, but that lack was not something that I felt at that time.

Excellent article.

As a gay man myself (chaste for a while now), I realize that gay men asking for equality are actually being immensely selfish in many ways not covered by the article.

We must understand that we should not project our self-esteem issues to the community. If I don´t feel equal, no amount of right-fights and marriage equality will resolve anything. There is no point in getting married for same sex people. If you want to feel an equal citizen, that’s a battle you should wage inside your own head.

Certainly any such marriage would require full disclosure to the heterosexual spouse, and I am sure many such marriages end not because the gay spouse decided “I’m gonna come out and be proud and leave behind this family that’s the product of a lie” but because the straight spouse decided “I’d rather be married to a man/woman who can REALLY love me, and who isn’t at risk of giving me HIV if they fall to their temptations”.

Also, while certainly this poster does not endorse adultery and neither do other openly gay people in such marriages in the Christian blogosphere; in reality it seems the MOM option is being chosen mostly by closeted gay people who go into marriage expecting to dabble in “down low” same-sex activity on the side as a matter of course. I doubt such a marriage would even be valid as (1) there is a fraud being perpetuated on the straight spouse and (2) such a person is getting married without intending fidelity.

One notorious example in the US is a former governor of NJ, who was certainly was married to a woman and later came out as gay, and divorced his wife. There was a pretty nasty court battle over it and one point of contention was whether the wife knew at the time of the marriage that her husband was a “gay American”.

I am sure there are cases of straight spouses knowing about the other’s SSA and choosing to remain with them for the sake of the children, but I don’t think such a person is obligated to stay with them, certainly not when the gay or bi spouse is committing adultery, that’s the case even for straight spouses committing adultery.

I think that’s the other side of the coin to this issue.

I can’t help wondering if when he “came out” as gay he moved to San Francisco – the gays have totally taken over a neighborhood and they had to close the Catholic grammar school in the area because there wasn’t enough children. I think the Church is still open but am not sure. The ironic “thing” is that 2 or 3 of my closest friends went to the grammar school in that Parish, many years ago.

Yeah we gotta watch out for “the gays”. :rolleyes:

I think there is an aspect of MOM’s that you haven’t seen. There are some good articles and testimonies as spiritualfriendship that I listed below. Now I still think that a mixed orientation marriage is the exception rather than the rule for a gay/ssa person, but there are those who make it work.

spiritualfriendship.org/2015/01/26/wait-a-minute-a-mixed-what/
spiritualfriendship.org/2015/05/11/clarification-on-our-mixed-orientation-marriage/

spiritualfriendship.org/2013/09/24/orientation-change-vs-mixed-orientation-marriage/

spiritualfriendship.org/2013/09/30/a-story-of-marriage/
spiritualfriendship.org/2014/04/21/walking-between/
spiritualfriendship.org/2013/10/04/further-considerations-on-marriage/

spiritualfriendship.org/2015/02/10/brian-what-makes-you-tick/
spiritualfriendship.org/2015/02/03/a-simple-reason-to-get-married-we-were-in-love/

I think again it’s a smaller minority of a minority of a minority who enter into a mixed orientation marriage (ii.e. gay/ssa people who are Christian, adhere to a side b ethic, and choose the vocation of marriage over celibacy). I also think if one is open about attractions within a marriage there is ‘more to lose’ and extra pressure on the spouse and the family from basically all sides while a celibate person only has the pressure on them. So there might be less incentive for a married person to tell their story especially when so many would co-opt it to push the ex-gay narrative or to critique them for not being straight while married.

Excuse my ignorance. What is a “MOM”?

Something tells me you aren’t talking about female parents.

My fault it is short-hand notation for mixed orientation marriage.

Another notation you may see is ‘side b’ which generally means the theological position that marriage is between a man and a woman, same sex sexual acts are sinful, but the orientation/inclination is not sinful.

So do you completely reject an “ex-gay narrative”, then? Obviously there is not much evidence supporting the possibility of orientation change for the vast majority, and I don’t think it’s realistic to have that the ideal, but does this mean there is 100% no chance? Yet, I’m pretty sure I recall at least one CAF poster stating she is an ex-lesbian who no longer has any attraction to women, though I realize women tend to be more fluid in their orientation than men.

Also, in the vast majority of the stories you linked on this issue, although the gay spouse was not “cured of SSA”, they still report SOME level of physical attraction to the non-gay spouse even if they don’t identify as “bisexual”. Many “Part A” types who’d find the idea of MOM horrifying would claim “if these men are attracted to their wives then they’re not gay, they’re bisexual, even if they deny it”.

And BTW while many seem to think “bisexual” means someone is 50/50 equally attracted to men and women and I think most people who claim this identity don’t actually mean that. Kinsey’s research is pretty discredited but I do think the idea that very few people are 100% gay/SSA or straight/OSA rings true.

Notably, there was a recent study showing that while the number of people who have sex exclusively with the same sex is about the same, the number of people who have sex with both sexes is going up, and this makes sense to me, as this correlates with the decreased stigma, and in some subcultures an actual “cool” factor, of same-sex sex.

Also, while I’m not sure how you feel about the SSA language, it does allow for the possibility of some co-existent OSA without forcing the person to decide “do I identify as bisexual or not”?

A “mixed orientation marriage” is one between a heterosexual spouse and a homosexual or bisexual spouse.

In any case to get back to the OP: I guess what struck me as a little off about the presentation was the idea that “leaving an MOM is always selfish” and also assumes it is always the gay person’s selfish choice to leave that breaks up an MOM.

It seems to treat the non-gay spouse as having no choice in the matter, or assumes in an IMHO borderline sexist manner, that “well a wife would much rather stay in a marriage with a gay husband, than to get divorced and live as a single parent”, since Mainwaring seems to tackle only the scenario of a gay man leaving a straight wife

This is what he stated in the article I linked before and will again now:

thepublicdiscourse.com/2016/07/17316/

When Christian rock star Trey Pearson announced he was coming out of the closet and separating from his wife and their two children after seven and a half years of marriage, he said that his wife had been his “biggest supporter” and that “she just hugged me and cried and said how proud of me she was.”

If this account is exactly true, it is troubling. Think about the degree of social decay required—especially within Christianity—for a Christian wife to be so conditioned by popular culture that she immediately congratulates her husband for abandoning her and their children, rather than reaching out for help to preserve their marriage and family. A man who walks away from a marriage because of same-sex attraction is no different from a man who abdicates his role as husband and father for sex with other women. We shouldn’t view Trey Pearson’s actions as heroically true-to-self, but as simply selfish.

My response to this was, “Hmm, or maybe Mrs. Pearson is not taking steps to preserve the marriage, because she just doesn’t want to be married to a gay man.”

While there’s no issue of adultery mentioned, I’m sure that while many wives who do face that issue of a husband cheating with other women, reaches out for help to save the marriage, others are happy to let the cheater walk away.

And if it’s selfish for a gay people to walk away from on MOM with children, is it also selfish to let them?

I guess I reject the ex-gay narrative in its current view and what it generally means now which is a rather toxic version of spirituality mixed in with gospel of prosperity heresy (i.e. if I believe enough and want it enough with my good faith God will give me X which in this case means making me straight).

However, I don’t neglect that for some, the same sex attractions diminish. There are also some people who indeed do have trauma from the past and when dealt with attractions become less strong. Sexuality is complicated and multifaceted so nothing is 100%. I will say there are plenty of people though who despite efforts and support through various organizations like Exodus had zero change and we basically defined as ex-gay only meaning not sexually active with the same sex despite still having attractions. On the other hand, some have more fluidity and other things like that. I just dislike the ex-gay push because often it is used to push the narrative that the most holy path (and implied only path to salvation) is to be straight and within a heterosexual marriage (IMO many different Church traditions have completely devalued the vocation of celibacy while almost idolatry marriage which has a lot to do with where our society is today.). Additionally most who had orientation change that I know where not actively pursing it like I must be straight to be holy rather it happened organically (some I know who did go through change therapy had initial placebo change only for the attractions to rebound with more intensity after). A lot of the ex-gay narratives, teachings, and support are based on essentially pseudo quack science that uses a lot of correlation = causation research which is why I think it basically has no value but has caused lots of false hope which has lead to lots of negatives in a person’s mental health.

I think mixed orientation marriage is a possible vocation for a gay/ssa person but it itself has a ton of landmines including making sure one is doing it because that is the vocation they are legitimately called for and not one they are pursing because it is what is expected, they want to appear normal, want to hide their sexuality, etc. In the examples I listed, all of the people where upfront about their attractions prior to dating with the attitude of let’s see where this goes. Eventually they determined that marriage was their vocation. I also know numerous people in similar situations who after dating an opposite sex person had to end the romantic relationship because they couldn’t develop anything more than a more or less fraternal love and affection for the other person. Thus they discerned that celibacy is more or less most likely their vocation. End long ramble lol :stuck_out_tongue:

I guess I reject the ex-gay narrative in its current view and what it generally means now which is a rather toxic version of spirituality mixed in with gospel of prosperity heresy (i.e. if I believe enough and want it enough with my good faith God will give me X which in this case means making me straight).

However, I don’t neglect that for some, the same sex attractions diminish. There are also some people who indeed do have trauma from the past and when dealt with attractions become less strong. Sexuality is complicated and multifaceted so nothing is 100%. I will say there are plenty of people though who despite efforts and support through various organizations like Exodus had zero change and we basically defined as ex-gay only meaning not sexually active with the same sex despite still having attractions. On the other hand, some have more fluidity and other things like that. I just dislike the ex-gay push because often it is used to push the narrative that the most holy path (and implied only path to salvation) is to be straight and within a heterosexual marriage (IMO many different Church traditions have completely devalued the vocation of celibacy while almost idolatry marriage which has a lot to do with where our society is today.). Additionally most who had orientation change that I know where not actively pursing it like I must be straight to be holy rather it happened organically (some I know who did go through change therapy had initial placebo change only for the attractions to rebound with more intensity after). A lot of the ex-gay narratives, teachings, and support are based on essentially pseudo quack science that uses a lot of correlation = causation research which is why I think it basically has no value but has caused lots of false hope which has lead to lots of negatives in a person’s mental health.

I think mixed orientation marriage is a possible vocation for a gay/ssa person but it itself has a ton of landmines including making sure one is doing it because that is the vocation they are legitimately called for and not one they are pursing because it is what is expected, they want to appear normal, want to hide their sexuality, etc. In the examples I listed, all of the people where upfront about their attractions prior to dating with the attitude of let’s see where this goes. Eventually they determined that marriage was their vocation. I also know numerous people in similar situations who after dating an opposite sex person had to end the romantic relationship because they couldn’t develop anything more than a more or less fraternal love and affection for the other person. Thus they discerned that celibacy is more or less most likely their vocation. End long ramble lol :stuck_out_tongue:

I think there is a big difference for a person to not disclose their attractions prior to marriage to the future spouse (I even think that is a possible grounds for annulment). All of the cases I mentioned the spouses know what they were getting into and I assumed spent lots of time in prayerful discernment though I think some still don’t quite get what it means. I’ve discerned that marriage isn’t for me so I’m not sure how much I can speculate on hypothetical about this though.

I think that if a person married knowing the attraction, I would expect them to incorporate into their marriage vocation. All vocations have a cross aspect to it and no one is promised that marriage will always be a cake walk just as I’m not promised celibacy will always be a cake walk. What we are promised is support to face our trials and tribulations as we pursue our own sanctification.

I certainly reject the prosperity gospel and it seems even many Catholics are now under the impression that a righteous Christian “deserves” happiness in this life, hence the idea that an “innocent spouse” who was abandoned “deserves a second chance” and that annulments should be handed out very liberally for “pastoral” reasons.

However, I don’t neglect that for some, the same sex attractions diminish. There are also some people who indeed do have trauma from the past and when dealt with attractions become less strong. Sexuality is complicated and multifaceted so nothing is 100%. I will say there are plenty of people though who despite efforts and support through various organizations like Exodus had zero change and we basically defined as ex-gay only meaning not sexually active with the same sex despite still having attractions. On the other hand, some have more fluidity and other things like that.

Thank you for this acknowledgement. I think what some people who reject the ex-gay narrative do is (rightly) reject the faulty science or the “attraction itself is a sin” assumptions attached to it, but (wrongly) completely ignore the idea that God may intervene miraculously in the lives of SOME people with this cross.

I think mixed orientation marriage is a possible vocation for a gay/ssa person but it itself has a ton of landmines including making sure one is doing it because that is the vocation they are legitimately called for and not one they are pursing because it is what is expected, they want to appear normal, want to hide their sexuality, etc. In the examples I listed, all of the people where upfront about their attractions prior to dating with the attitude of let’s see where this goes.

Certainly there is much need for discernment in these situations. Especially for Christians in a faith tradition that heavily pressures all young people to marry.

I think that if a person married knowing the attraction, I would expect them to incorporate into their marriage vocation. All vocations have a cross aspect to it and no one is promised that marriage will always be a cake walk just as I’m not promised celibacy will always be a cake walk. What we are promised is support to face our trials and tribulations as we pursue our own sanctification.

Would you say that even if the gay spouse falls to temptation? Now I know Catholics don’t teach “no divorce except for adultery” as many evangelicals do. And while a straight spouse knowing the attraction may remove the “fraud” claim for nullity, they may still have a case that “we did not have the required understanding of marriage”, for while you have selected stories of successful marriages, I am sure they are also cases of such marriages being entered into for the wrong reasons, and I am not sure there exists the same responsibility to essentially “stick it out and make the invalid marriage valid”.

I’m not sure. That might be something to consult a canon lawyer about. I do think it’s a very complex and complicated issue though. Like you are right I only showed the positive stories and I’m sure there are many negative stories as well. I do think at lot of what is applied to non mixed orientation marriages can be utilized here as well. However since I have discerned marriage isn’t my calling I haven’t looked deeply in a lot of issues like this.

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