A question for the men regarding porn


#1

I’ve seen several posts from women who have been crushed because their husbands or boyfriends use/view porn. They often feel betrayed by it at minimal. I know a woman who believes her husbands porn usage is what led him to using prostitutes and affairs.

From a male’s perspective, men, what do you think would be the equivalent? In other words, would you feel hurt and betrayed if you learned that your wife or girlfriend were looking at porn? Or would you be more hurt if she had Johnny Depp as her wallpaper on her computer/phone? Or, in your opinion, do you think men, in general, would not be bothered or upset if they learned their wife was viewing porn?

If some men google images of women’s breasts/cleavage… What if she were googling images of the male body/parts?


#2

I would think that she had a problem.

To repeat, I would think that she had a problem. No reflection on me whatsoever.


#3

If it was a rarity or something that occurred few and far between, I would probably just shrug it off. I would not want her to hide anything from me. I think if they were looking at it regularly it would bother me and I would want to know why they feel the need to view it. Another factor would be how much I percieve it to affect our lives. I’m a very understanding person and like to deal with anything that may become an issue head on and in a constructive/joint manner. I don’t avoid problems or pretend they don’t exist. I would do everything I could to maintain open communication about this type of thing. Chances are she would know that and we would be able to talk openly about it and figure something out.

When it comes to infatuation with celebrities… I think that is a different matter. I personally don’t get it and have no allure, attraction, or crush on any celebrity, and never have at any point in time. I think it is poor form to have a picture of anyone other than your spouse on the wallpaper of your tech devices. I view it as disrespectful and immature. I would probably share my feelings regarding that and hopefully she would understand and not do it anymore.


#4

In my opinion, viewing porn is very seductive. At first it might start out just looking at it out of curiosity. Unfortunately for the most part, it often becomes a habit and before you know you have a habit the habit has you. Porn is very degrading to both men and women. It takes the gift of human sexuality and turns it into something ugly, perverse, and immoral. It breaks down the human condition into a level of degradation. It has no respect for women or men. It can leave emotional scars that are hard to heal. The person viewing porn can become desensitized. It can also make a person feel worthless. I know, because I’ve been there. Only through God’s grace, my wife’s love and spiritual direction have I been able to free myself of viewing pornography. There are some wonderful Catholic websites that address the issue, and if anyone is dealing with this in their lives, seek help, seek spiritual direction so that your life may become the abundant life that God wants us all to desperately have. May the Lord’s peace be with you all. :blessyou:


#5

I would not be bothered in the least by a picture of Johnny Depp on my wife’s computer or phone. I don not expect her to not notice attractive men, nor do I think that there is anything wrong with admiring and even reveling in the beauty of attractive people.

Lust is wrong, and if there is porn, there is lust. That is a completely different issue. If my wife were viewing pornography, I would councel her that she should stop for her own good. I do not believe that I would feel betrayed or hurt by her porn use, but I would be concerned for her soul.


#6

Porn = cheating. For me anyway! I am not sure if I need to qualify that. But yeah, in marriage especially. I mean, any mortal sin is bad, and a married couple should be leading each other to God not to sin. But sexual sin especially.

I dont, and wouldn't look at porn and would expect the same (even with the stereotype in todays society that men looking at porn is just natural and actually funny). Hell, I don't even look at other women. When I was in a relationship (with a secular person who had secular [read: immoral/not so good] ideas of sexuality) I never looked at another girl. Even when she wasn't around. It's just not appropriate (for me). The woman you are with should be enough! And thats beautiful :o

If my wife had Johnny Depp as her wallpaper... hmmm. I dunno. I guess if I were married I'd be like umm rather have the kids or a cat or something. I dunno, I guess I have this idea of those frustrated kinda wives with pictures of famous blokes everywhere. I dunno, maybe thats just me, but it wouldnt make me happy. But an innocent statement like "ooh Johnny Depp is hot" wouldn't mean anything. If she went further then I'd lose repsect for her as an adult (if she turns into a fanatic 14 year old over a famous guy) and as a lady and my wife.

Anyway to the point. Porn bad. Porn is cheating. Sexual cheating.

Vicariously getting your sexual satisfaction. Cheating!!


#7

I would not have a problem with my wife looking at other men, or porn. So long as I'm the only one she's having sex with.


#8

If it were a random thing it wouldn’t bother me. As I have posted before there were times, before we were Catholic in which we viewed it together as a “marital” enhancer. We don’t anymore but there are definitely some movies we have seen which border on it so we often turn away at those times.

Of course it all goes back to the porn is cheating thing… I just don’t believe that at all. Yea yea I know what Jesus said but as I have pointed out before I don’t believe He meant that to be taken literally anymore so than He did the “call no man Father” quote which Protestant try to use against the Church.

I believe the point He was making is that continued unbridled lust will take away from your marriage and that is true whether it’s porn or your favorite hobby. Many men lust after many different things other than their wife, putting numerous things before them. The same can be said for a woman as well.

Lets also remember, as I have said before, that Porn isn’t just looking at naked people having sex. Personally I wouldn’t classify “googling boobies” as porn in the least - maybe, maybe not. Rather porn is something that is intended to get us sexually aroused outside of the marital bed. So yea that means probably half the TV shows people watch and even some commercials have “porn” in them, and yea romance novels are usually pornarific as well!

My point is that before you start condemning anyone, male or female, for searching for a nude picture many people need to take a step back and look at themselves. So your wife googled a picture of some hot guy while you spent the yet another evening outside working in the yard so you wouldn’t have to listen to her “rant” about something with the excuse that the grass looks better mowed twice diagonally and bagged … who is the guilty party here? Who is lusting after something else besides their spouse?


#9

Then, do you, our could you possibly give me your opinion of how and or why men look at porn while at work? Why would a guy need or want to get aroused at his office?


#10

You know, that’s a good question above. I can’t figure out the answer to it. The obvious answer is that it doesn’t make sense. But the guys at the SEC were wasting hours with this **** instead of doing their job of monitoring the Wall Street rip-off artists!

With respect to porn, I can say it’s pretty clearly got a strong addictive quality to it. So it’s best to avoid it entirely. It’s also immature; we know such things are fake and artificial and unreal and unsatisfying.

It’s natural to have sexual fantasies, and that helps explain pornography.


#11

[quote="missyfatcat, post:9, topic:198240"]
Then, do you, our could you possibly give me your opinion of how and or why men look at porn while at work? Why would a guy need or want to get aroused at his office?

[/quote]

Possibly because he is afraid to get caught at home? He should be more worried about getting caught at work and getting fired IMHO.

Different men look at porn for different reasons. When I have in the past it was always due to frustrations at home and I was always looking for someone who resembled my wife. It wasn't a "looking for something better" but rather a looking for something similar because my wife was too tired etc...

I know of other couples and guys who view porn to get ideas on how to spice things up in their relationship as well... this would probably be most of the people I know (Christians and non) who occasionally view porn... right or wrong, this would be their reason.

Some guys though, just like in the rest of their life, seem to be dissatisfied with everything (and there are women like this too). There was a thread about a relationship a few days ago where a young man told his GF that he just wasn't happy and couldn't feel attracted to her because she wasn't bone skinny and he knew it was just superficial but that was who he was... great honesty there, my suggestion to her was move on though...

These guys, which may be a very large group are looking for something different and better. My guess is they were / are looking at porn, wherever they are viewing it, because they are looking for or at something they believe is somehow better than what they have now. These to me are the same guys that would or do probably physically and emotionally cheat on their spouses. They can't be happy unless they have the latest and greatest and perfect (or as close as possible) everything... I believe this is driven by our materialistic US culture that has developed. This is the antithesis of Christian marriage, especially the Catholic understanding. Even though it may be wrong in the previous 2 scenarios it is the action that is flawed not the reasoning. The reasoning being to make their marriage better or compensate for a tired/notinthemood spouse while the latter isn't thinking about their marriage rather just themselves and wanting something different and thus not only is the action flawed but also the reasoning.

Honestly there use to be a time when I could look at a women, really evaluate their physical attributes in a sense and it not be lustful but rather admiration. Maybe it was all the psychological research I did in College but I just find people fascinating. One of my friends, a very good Protestant just couldn't ever do that. We had numerous discussions about it. I would always say "you can't just look at her for how beautiful she is and not think about sex?" he just couldn't. Then one day I found myself being unable to do it either... it really bothered me. I couldn't figure out why, I thought I was doing what God wanted me to more then than in a long time, I loved my wife and would never think of cheating on her etc... then I realized that I HAD been doing what God wanted but wasn't really anymore... after spending years researching the Church I had kind of relaxed off my prayer time and scripture reading and the those thoughts were obviously replaced with ones I didn't need. By working to keep the thoughts and desires that need to be there, I found it much easier to keep the ones I don't want out.

Maybe that is why I tell people to always treat sexual sins just like other sins, viewing porn is no worse and probably better IMHO than gossip.

The bottom line is that if a man (or women really) focuses on their spouse and how beautiful they are because of who they are in regards to their union the passion and desire can still be there, there is no need for porn. This is not easy as our culture is always putting other things in front of us, the key is Christ. By having Christ and their spouse present in their life it's attainable and they can continue to enhance the passion of a marriage no matter how long they have been together. But just like many other things, heh like becoming a Saint, you have to want it.

At least those are my beliefs and opinions...

Joe


#12

Easy summary:

I’m with the crowd who says it’s not cheating but it is serious and certainly affects your marriage and view of sexuality very negatively. It’s not a “personal” sin since it affects both parties and any children… and honestly no sin is “personal” anyway as we know from the mystical body of Christ.

I don’t put it in the realm of betrayal like adultery; I liken it more to someone who abuses the body with drugs or alcohol. Is that betrayal? No. But is it grave matter that requires reconciliation and possibly counseling if there’s an addiction and it can absolutely be destructive to families.


#13

Porn is demonic, it's as simple as that. Too many lives are being destroyed by it to think otherwise. Just my 2 cents.


#14

lusting and porn are stealing and betrayal, selfish and isolating, wrong and painful, to just touch on how they affect relationships, not even going into how bad they are for you personally.

lust and porn lower who your spouse is to you from precious diamond, to old driveway gravel. from beautiful, delicate rose, to irritating, common dandelion. from sparkling expensive celebration champagne, to cloudy, lukewarm, sulfur-smelling tap water.


#15

The human brain craves pleasure. The more you feed it, the more it wants. It can be stimulated by a more physical or chemical nature via sex, drugs, food, gambling, materialism, etc., or stimulated via the more emotional or spiritual True, Romantic Love and Holiness.

If one chronically chooses a life of selfish indulgence of the basic instincts, one will walk around like a person with a teaspoon and a sugar bowl: dipping the teaspoon into the sugar bowl frequently, taking a sweet lick that doesn't last, constantly searching for the next temporary high via sex, drugs, excess materialism, extreme vanity, gambling, food, pursuit of trying to invent something artificially different for the few seconds of shallow amusement it provides, to no long term satisfaction. Once the temporary high wears off, the search for the next shallow amusement continues indefinitely.

If one ultimately chooses to give one's life to the Church's way of sacrificial, true love for spouse and kids, one can experience the True love that makes one's heart sing and will rock you to the depths of your bones. Deep, romantic, sacrificial, True Love via God's Covenant for man and woman is The Way, The Truth, and The Life that BOTH man and woman will eventually need to commit to for long term success. One of the most difficult things in life is free willingly giving up one's own life (the child-like desire to please the self) so that others may live (spouse and kids). I think we have a good example of giving up one's life for others. :D


#16

I’d guess for some it is partly because they are bored. Also, porn is one of the things easily available at work because you can sit in your office chair with your hands on a keyboard, so you appear to be working productively. If they went to do something healthful, like shoot hoops in the parking lot, it would be obvious that they were not working.


#17

I have a question about the whole porn thing.

Would it be fair to say sometimes men hang pornographic pictures up in their lockers at work because they think it makes them look cool in the other men’s eyes? Do they sometime hang in up in the garage because they like how it hurts their wife?

Thanks


#18

Neither. We hang them up for the few seconds of selfish pleasure that it gives us. That’s all. I don’t have any because it would offend my wife. Life is one continuous battle to place others ahead of self. Then, it’s nice and romantic when others return the favor when they place you ahead of themselves.


#19

Agreed with the previous poster. Men are not thinking of other men or women when they look at porn, they are doing so because they like to. No more, no less.


#20

so it's not just my husband -- men just do what they want because they want to and the feelings of their wives, the rightness or wrongness of their actions, the consequences of their actions don't mean a thing to them at all. i feel like God must hate women to make us love men who are programmed to not care about us.


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